Self-Sabotaging Martyred Mother, the Holidays and the Dreaded Letter

[appleman]

I have been almost entirely no-contact with my U-BPD mother for the better part of the last 2 1/2 years.  This was my decision after numerous times of trying to set boundaries that were constantly broken. I finally couldn't take the constant negativity, mother's self-pity about how EVERYONE was constantly mistreating her (though she was incredibly manipulative and putting everyone in her life in a no-win situation).  I would never know if I would get a normal mother when I would call or if I would get an hour long monologue of self-pity and martyrdom. I came to realize she preferred pity over the love people would try to show her. I would literally shake and be nauseous for hours before and after talking to her.  I grew up being my mom's sounding board for all her marital discord and every neighbor, my brother, every co-worker etc. that she felt had done her wrong. My job as her son was always to somehow "rescue" her.  Counseling over the last couple of years has helped me come a long way in getting myself healthy

My mother divorced my Dad when I was 3-years-old.  Throughout my childhood and being a young adult, my father was villainized and I was trained to hate him. Any contact my brother or I might have with him was met with being made to feel guilty and given the silent treatment for days. Now in my early 50s,  over the last few years I've come to realize that while I'm sure my father wasn't a saint, he obviously wasn't the evil demon my mom depicted.  I realized this as she had developed a pattern of demonizing anyone who didn't conform to exactly how she expected to be attended to.  She began to talk about my step-father (who I know well and is a GREAT guy) in the same terms she talked about my father.  I feel horrible over my (encouraged) mistreatment of my original Dad.  He passed about 24 years ago and I still lament the fact I never got to have a relationship with him.

Over the last couple of years, my brother and I both became no-contact with her, as she would not honor boundaries we set.  That left her with my step-dad and a home help service, Comfort Keepers (that would help with groceries, her cats, cook meals, etc.) My step-dad essentially did everything else for her.  My Mom mentally is still very sharp in spite of her advanced age.

My brother and I could have almost predicted what has happened over the course of the last year. Self-sabotage in order to play the victim and have her sons come rescue her... .so we could then be subject to more of her mistreatment.  She has now essentially thrown my step-dad out of the house, blaming him for mistreating her.  Truthfully, she emotionally and mentally abused him and I'm happy for him to be free. 

Fast forward to this Christmas... .I've dreaded the holidays for years, but was trying quite hard to find enjoyment in them this year.  They started out quite tolerable and almost enjoyable... .Until last night.  First, my in-laws were visiting and I've always had a great relationship with them.  Well... .my father-in-law had a bit too much wine after my wife had gone to bed and started interrogating me over my relationship with my mother.  Not my ideal Christmas night.  I got through it, but it certainly wasn't pleasant.

Then this morning... .I got the letter I've been dreading and expecting for several months;  a lengthy letter from my mother about how awful her life is.  She's alone and destitute.  Her social security and pension aren't enough to live on and she even had to let Comfort Keepers go.  I predicted this... .not because of the cost, but because it was the one thing standing between her self-imposed situation and having her sons rescue her.  She explains she will not touch her savings (which my brother and I believe are quite substantial) because she knows if she has to go to a nursing facility the costs will be exorbitant. She talks about driving herself to the grocery store and having to have someone walking by try to get an electric cart for her and that all she eats is tv dinners. 

My brother knows much more about her finances than do I and he believes she has MUCH in savings. My brother hasn't received such a letter (yet) because I believe my mom is using one of her common tactics of divide and conquer... .driving a wedge between the two of us. (Her letter explains how cruel my brother has been to her, how awful my stepdad was to her, etc.)   

I cannot for my own mental health get involved with her again.  My guilt can be overwhelming, but contact with her was leaving me a basket-case. 

What on earth do I do about this letter?

[GeekyGirl]

That's a tough call. I can imagine the feeling when you saw the letter... .that punched-in-the-stomach feeling. I'm sorry that you're in this position. I know that balancing your own needs and worrying about what will happen to your mother isn't easy.

What did your mother ask for in the letter? What is your mother capable of, and how much help does she actually need? It sounds like she acknowledges that someday she'll need to move into an assisted living facility--is this the time? What does your brother say? He might be able to give you some additional perspective and help.

If you aren't up for being your mother's caretaker (and I can't blame you there), but you are in a position to help, by hiring someone or helping your mother find an alternate living situation, you might find some peace of mind. If you're not in a position to help, that's understandable. You have to respect your own needs. I would answer the letter, either offering assistance (in hiring back Comfort Keepers and a financial planner, or finding an assisted living arrangement), or answer with some empathy, but keep your boundary.

Keep us posted on how you're doing. Hopefully your in-laws will continue to be supportive, despite the uncomfortable conversation on Christmas night. Sometimes it's really hard or impossible for those not affected by BPD to understand.

[Notwendy]

I could actually feel dread reading your letter as I have an elderly BPD mother. It is really hard on our consciences to not help an elderly person. On one hand they are elderly. On the other hand, as manipulative and dysfunctional as ever.

I think you do have some leverage here. She has savings. She can hire help. One contingency of your being involved might be for her to agree to let you have access to her savings. I don't know how well this will go over. I tried this once with my mother and it went over like a lead balloon. But that was a while ago.

I think self care is the key here. I literally felt dread at the idea of a letter like this, even though I am not NC with my mother. This is something she might do if she thought it would work. She might also try it to test me.

Do you think your mother is testing the waters here with you? She may not be in dire straights, but just testing to see how you respond. My mother brings up the idea of moving near me. However, I also know she is testing to see what my reaction is. I try to stay medium chill with this. The truth is, she can move where she wants.

I think the first thing to do is not respond at all until you have some time to think about it. One option, is that since you are NC, to not respond. This letter might just be a fabricated crisis to see if you bite the bait. If you are certain she has savings, then it is her choice not to spend them. It is her choice to not hire help ,and to eat TV dinners. You are not responsible for that.

If you think you wish to respond, then it may be a good idea to decide what you can do and what you can not, and hold onto that boundary. You are not obligated to spend your money on her if she has her own.

[appleman]

Thank you so much, GeekyGirl and Notwendy for your thoughtful replies.

The more I think about it, the more I think Notwendy may have hit the nail on the head.  It was a letter to test the waters. In re-reading it, she doesn't really specifically ask for anything.  She termed it that she just wanted me to "be aware of her situation."  i.e.  1. Induce guilt  2. serve to justify in her mind that if I ignored the letter that it just confirms that I am the uncaring, ungrateful and heartless son she has painted me to be.

I also found about a third of the letter consisted of her talking about how my brother had turned against her in her time of need (no, he tried very hard to help her only to have her continually turn on him and verbally and emotionally abuse him) and about how my stepfather, seemingly out of the blue, had called her a manipulative liar, raged and basically left her all alone.  The truth is, she projected her actions onto him and she was the one who constantly berated, emotionally abused him and ordered him out of the house. In short, just more of her warped way of thinking.

I truly think the whole getting rid of Comfort Keepers due to being destitute is a red herring.  I think it was a way of gaining attention to her now being "totally helpless" and to draw my brother and me back in.  I believe she does have considerable money in her savings, that should she choose to use it, would afford her a quite comfortable lifestyle and with Comfort Keepers helping around the house.  For her, there's always a reason not to accept potential solutions.  1.  It would mean she wouldn't be miserable and worthy of the pity she craves and 2. It would mean her sons wouldn't race in to her rescue and allow themselves to be subjected to her abuse again.

[Notwendy]

I am glad it is a test in the water. If you are NC, then there isn't a need to respond if you don't wish to.

This is a tough situation. I've been my mother's black child and much of out relationship was in a triangulation with my father, who I was very attached to, and being that they were married, visits were to both of them. When my father was sick, the pattern was crisis-rescue. I had been in the role of rescuer/co-dependent in my family. It was a way to feel approval from my father. I was not allowed to upset her. But I had my own family and so, felt the risk of emotional burn out. I would come to see Dad, but the visits were about taking care of her, and that was more than I realized or understood at the time. The result was that they both got angry at me.

When my father died, she had pretty much disowned me. She did the crisis- rescue thing with some of his belongings which were sentimental to me. She would refuse to give them to me, then call me up to tell me to come get them- "now, because I am cleaning up and won't keep them". Then, if I did, she would let me go through them and then, refuse to let me have them " Oh I changed my mind". I had to let go of any attachment to what she had, and I did.

I didn't go NC with her, mostly for me. Like many people on this board, I would struggle ethically with this at her age. She seems to have "forgotten" the events at the time of my fathers last years, and I am not disowned. Her current attempts at reconciliation with me are, I believe, because I don't think she has anyone else to rely on, not any emotional attachment.

She has done better than we expected, with household help. For many years, she was in some dysfunctional relationship with a caretaker, but recently, she painted her black and fired her. There has been a push/pull between them, so she may or may not recycle, but for now, the caretaker is out of the picture.

Your post was a reminder of these dynamics and the dilemma of what to do. I am not going to be too concerned about an unknown future, but I realized the challenge of an elderly parent with BPD. When Dad was alive, we looked at retirement/assisted living facilities and one of the questions I wondered about was- how does the staff deal with this? Mom created the same kind of drama with her caretaker as she did with her family.

Thankfully, I don't think your mother is in a crisis at the moment, and neither is mine, but I think it would help to know what resources are available as well as learn from others who have experienced this.

[busybee1116]

I have responded to similar "woe is me" letters with a simple "Thank you for the update. I'm sorry to hear you aren't doing well." If you felt so inclined, like Notwendy suggests, you could end with "I'd be happy to refer you to a financial planner or senior case management service when the need arises." My mother also tries to pit my brother against me/divide and conquer. When this happens, we respond TOGETHER. You could phrase it as "Thank you for the update. I've shared your letter with [brother], we're both sorry to hear you aren't doing well." to clue her in that NICE TRY, we are on the same page.

My in-laws had a family member who soaked them for YEARS. She had mental (probably BPD or high functioning schizophrenia) and physical health issues and told them a pack of lies for years that she was abused by husband, in unstable living situation, unwell, unable to afford food/clothing/basics. So they sent her checks out of FOG. Finally, they decided to hire a private investigator and lo and behold, she has a pension, stipend, gov't assisted housing and transportation. And no issue with husband, no calls for domestic violence to police like she had claimed. She attended doctor appointments regularly. She didn't need their help at all. They did not tell her they knew what was really going on (pointless) but advised her they could no longer afford to send her money any longer and wished her the best. She raged, and then cut off all contact.  It might be worth hiring a PI to find out exactly what her situation is--they might be able to make a credit inquiry.

I'm guessing you're not in the US appleman--but here we have Adult Protective Services. You could contact them (anonymously) or similar service if available where you are to check in on her as she is frail and elderly; they can refer her to services (like meals on wheels, reduced cost transportation, social worker) etc.

I work in healthcare--sometimes you just have to let a crisis occur. If she's competent, she is still able to make her own decisions, even if they are BAD decisions. if she has money, she will ulitimately tap into it. An example--a (probably BPD) client fell and broke her hip after tripping over a stack of hoarded newspapers in her home. APS and social workers got involved when it was clear she could not return home and had alienated all family who could help her. She was sent to a skilled nursing facility and then assisted living and assigned a conservator who managed her finances. The family never had to get involved.

Best to you! 

[Notwendy]

This is helpful information. Dad left my mother plenty of money- yet we don't know how well she manages it. Naively trying to step in (when I didn't know better ) was a mess. We have had this discussion with my H. His parents did not mismanage money-so he didn't have an issue helping them if we could and they needed it. On the other hand- if mom needed help it would be because of her decisions. It is good to know the resources that are available. Help us one thing but I don't want to be an enabler.

[appleman]

Thank you, busybee1116 and notwendy for the additional replies.

Busybee, I am in the US and my Mom is in Indiana.  You gave me a lot of good ideas for community resources that could be of help. 

I do believe the intent of the letter was 1. to induce guilt and 2. draw me back into her warped world so I can again be part of the pity party for her (self-induced) suffering.

I am very hesitant to reply to her at all, as it has been taking me considerable time and counseling to get on the road to healing myself from a lifetime of emotional abuse.  But if I do reply, I think it may be something along the lines of the following. 

1.  She has a concern that my stepfather, whom she kicked out of the home, will try to stake claim to the house she paid for (with cash) prior to their marriage.  I would tell her I cannot help her with this and she should contact her attorney for her concerns. I'm pretty sure they had a pre-nup.

2. Suggest that if she has savings (I'm pretty sure they are substantial) that she use those to re-hire Comfort Keepers if she insists on staying in the home.  She cannot take it with her.  What else would her savings be for?  I'm sure my brother and I were taken out of her will long ago... .and good gosh has it been worth it to go NC and escape the emotional abuse.

3. That she consider talking to her banker about a reverse mortgage, that could provide her with monthly income in addition to her social security and pension.

4. Provide her with the local brochure and phone number for Meals on Wheels.  (I'm sure she's already familiar with it).

5. Provide her with information on the local transportation service for the elderly and their phone number.  The service provides door to door service to wherever she would want to go in town, including grocery shopping if she insists on not re-hiring Comfort Keepers.  The transportation service charges just $1.00 each way.

6. Provide her with the brochure and phone number for the local senior center. It provides social interaction (she won't like anybody) as well as a daily hot meal for free (though a $1.50 donation for the meal is appreciated).

I fully expect my mother to have some reason none of these options will be sufficient and there will be a problem with each of them.  She has always found reasons why logical solutions don't help, because essentially she wants to show all how much she is suffering. 

What I don't want to do is get dragged back into her life.  And I do fear sending her this reply would just provide her with an "opening" to bring about further correspondence (probably about problems with all my suggestions and how obviously uncaring I am for even suggesting them).  If I do send the reply it would be with the tone of communicating with a reasonable adult.  But, if she does take it in a rational way, it would be a first. 

I do care about her, but want no part of any contact with her if that makes any sense.

[Notwendy]

It makes sense.

I am not sure how much contact I want with my mother, but I know our relationship is not a typical mother-daughter relationship. One thing that has helped me has been to work on my own issues through T, co-dependency groups. There came a time where I realized that I didn't feel as easily triggered by her. She would say the same things that used to upset me, and they didn't. Instead of reacting, I would think " well that's odd" and that was that. It felt like a miracle. That doesn't mean I want to be with her a lot, but it meant it was easier when I was. Being less reactive to her also made a difference in our relationship- as I didn't trigger her as much. It may not seem fair that I had to work on my issues- she is far more affected than anything I deal with, but it helped me in general, and so it is worth it.

I know that no matter what I do, my mother may or may not be happy with it. I also know that anything I do in a co-dependent manner is likely to backfire. If I am interacting with her in any way to control her- her mood, what she does, how she reacts, well that is something she can react to.

One thing I did learn is how my attempts to help can be perceived by her as invalidating. Even if they are not intended to be. Once I could listen to her feelings without reacting, I could see how she sees things and not defend them. I don't agree with how she sees things, but this is who she is, and understanding that helped. I try to avoid any advice or the word "you", even in an expression. Once she was having some work done in the house. I recalled how this caused some mess in my house, and I wish I had covered some things with a sheet or plastic. Off the top of my head, without thinking, I said " you might want to cover some things". That triggered her. She started screaming at me. What she heard from me was " you can't even take care of this one thing, you are too stupid to cover the furniture" . One I realized that this is how she heard advice from me, I just stopped, and let her do things her way.

You may want to consider this if you reply. Instead of saying " you hire Comfort Keepers". you could say that " I am not available to help in the absence of Comfort Keepers" and leave her to choose to hire help or not.

What I do for her has to come from me, without expectations. If I act from my own sense of what I can do, and what I can't, then her reaction doesn't effect me as much. If NC is what you wish to do, then that is it. I think we all feel a sense of guilt and loss that things are not different, but it is what it is.

[busybee1116]

I am very hesitant to reply to her at all, as it has been taking me considerable time and counseling to get on the road to healing myself from a lifetime of emotional abuse.  

Don't feel you have to reply. In a way, perhaps it's reassuring to know there are services (many) available to her and if the time/need arises (including a crisis) she may either figure out on her own how to call Comfort Keepers again, access funds/equity to pay for her care-or the social safety net will step in. You could even send the brochures anonymously in a packet or call APS anonymously--claim to be a concerned neighbor or whatever. She may be even more receptive to the info if she doesn't think it comes from you! Like Notwendy said--my mother has at times reacted similarly, my attempts to help are seen as invalidating. I can offer advice/suggestion and she gets offended. A clerk or real estate agent makes same suggestion--she totally follows it.

[Notwendy]

And the more random and remote the source of advice is- the more "valid". "The cab driver told me his mother's great aunt's hairdresser said she likes that brand so it must be good! "

[busybee1116]

  So true!

[appleman]

Thanks again notwendy and busybee.  The idea of sending the information anonymously without the letter may be the way to go.  I'm sure she'll know it's from me, but it avoids any chance of her perceiving anything in my letter as editorializing, yet gives her resources that she can choose to either pursue or ignore.  She has no internet access, so these printed items may at least help provide phone numbers and info on availability. 

I don't want to get into a letter exchange back and forth.  Her intention was not really to get solutions to her issues, it was to induce guilt and to lure me and my brother back into her world.  No thanks.  The information will probably just p*** her off, but only because it didn't elicit her desired response. 

Thank you so much for your help.