Trying very hard not to fall apart

[BPD-Dad-67]

My 17 year old daughter has BPD symptoms. One moment she can be sweet and funny and caring. Other times... .(like right now) asking her to get up for school can turn into a screaming, threatening, suicidal mess. I'm about spent.

It's been going on for 5 years or so, and while certainly not the only cause, the drama and turmoil has already contributed to the demise of a 21 year marriage and threatens every last bit of quietude and stability I can muster.

I am torn and conflicted. I love my daughter, but I can't go on like this. I have her every other weekend and 2 nights during the week. After she leaves, my nerves are shattered. Its to the point that I dread her coming here. I hate myself for feeling like this.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jbmom]

I totally understand.  I have a 17 yr old too, who behaves very similarly.  Its hard to know moment-moment who you are going to get- the fun sweet kid or the hot mess.

We are counting down the days to high school graduation. We have over 6 marking periods (18 months) before we feel we can really say -- go.

Its exhausting.  We have spent the last couple of months focusing on our son, trying to keep his life normal and buffered from his sister. That has helped us get through a lot. We now give her the option of participating or not in family events (including dinners) because if she says no, its just a lot more peaceful for us.

No great advice from me... .just hang in there. You are not alone.

[js friend]

Hi BPD-Dad-67,

I just wanted to commiserate with you and let you know that you are definetly not alone.My dd is now 21yo but I remember those awful teenage years just like it was yesterday.

BPD certainly takes its toll on all our lives.The extremes of behaviour are certainly difficult to deal with. All I can say is try to chose your battles with your dd and try not to get sucked into the drama she creates. It took me a while to realise that there was a pattern to my dd's behaviour. She would purposely stir up drama and arguments so she could justify herself in walking out of our home to meet up with friends or boys. She has since moved out and we now have a LC r/s but  I believe what has helped our r/s when it comes to communication has been the use boundaries, S.E.T statements  and Validation. Validating my dds feelings make her more open to listening so I can begin to have a conversation with her. Using validation takes time and a whole lot of patience but I have had some success with it.

It is a lot to take in at first and seems like learning a whole different language but dont be put off.Learn it your own pace. Take a breather and come back to it when you are ready if you like. You say you feel spent and you may not want to know even 1 more thing about BPD atm and that is ok too. I felt like that for a while and most of us parents on here probably have at one time or another.

When you feel up to it the tools on the right are a great place to start if you havent read them already.

Also remember  that it is important to look after yourself. Rome wasnt built in a day so change will be a slow process.

Looking after your own mental health right now has to be a priority. You have to get yourself right first  if you are to help your dd effectively.

[bpdmom1]

Understand!

We kicked our daughter out of the house and put her in a hotel.  One top of that she has a physical disability.  I really couldn't stand another minute.  I was in tears every day trying to figure out what to do and the hotel wasn't a good option.  She is in a RTC now.  My heart is still broken, but I know she is safe and getting help.