Gaslighting - the whole relationships was in my head

[hotncold]

I broke up with my BPD almost a year ago.  I wanted to try and reconnect wiht her recently because I wanted to turn a new page, and needed to make a gesture.  She initially responded really favourably saying she was happy to hear from me, and we made plans to meet, which she then cancelled saying she was too busy.  I tried to see if she would reschedule but she simply gave a vague answer and has not been in contact. 

This has caused to me to really revisit our final fight... .from which we haveNt, spoken. At the time she told me that there was nothing between us, and there never would be, and that she was surprised, hadn't she been clear about this all along? And she was sorry if she had made me think otherwise, but it was important to let me know. 

To me it was all so bizarre. She turned it as though I was desperately in love with her, and that I was just a piece of garbage to her.  Its clear that this was not the case, but I did communicate to her that she was really important to me... .and as a result, she turned me into the one who was obsessed.  Could it be that she was projecting?  I have obsessed over people in the past, however they tend to be crushes and not people whom I am actually dating.  When I was dating her I was really unsure of what I wanted with her, because indeed I knew of way too many ugly episodes in her past, and I was sure they were going to come up and hit me in the face.  Plus, her messages were really mixed.  I admit that I played a role in things getting muddy between us... .I wish I had been able to be more clear about my own intentions and feelings - which would have forced her to be less wishy washy as well.  For me though, our connection was really special.  I still think so.  And I challenged her when she said there was nothing between us.  But then I just let it go.

Does anyone have any kind of insight? I mean... .there is clearly something here that I have not been able to let go of, and she tried to turn something really special to me, into something that was really just a pile of dirt.  She had a big impact on my life, and has in fact helped me heal from a lot of childhood abuse (not directly, but she caused me to understand my life very differently, because on some occasions she was extremely honest... .including telling me she has BPD). Still, after she said these things, I still cannot let go of how special my experience was with her... .This latest episode is now making me think: perhaps all this really was one sided.  I would be willing to accept it, if I could believe it... .but I don't.  When we were together we shared very many intimate, honest and special moments. 

I really want to turn the page on this entire experience, and I am getting there... .and this latest wishy washy mixed messages is telling me that a year later she's the same. But, I'm sad, because the fleeting moments of honesty that she did give me are gone... .only to leave someone who is completely flaky and unreliable.

[Lonely_Astro]

One thing that is certain is this: the r/s was 100% "real" to one of you and that's you.  You can't dwell on whether or not what she told you was true.  At the time, I'm certain it was real to her.  Everything she said to you was true.  Up until it wasn't.  It's hard to wrap your head around, but that's what it was.

A pwBPD invents themselves and reinvents themselves all the time.  If you no longer fit into that narrative, they discard/leave you.  OTOH, if they feel to close to you, they'll abandon you as a preemptive strike to avoid the pain of you leaving them in the future (which is a fallacy, but I digress).  The end of a BPD r/s is tough because it was "perfect", so "everything you've ever wanted" because the entire time you were with yourself (mirroring).  I'm not saying that all pwBPD are parrots, but it's a core trait.  They invent themselves to be like their partners and when something changes, that's when it all starts to unravel. 

Her making you sound over obsessed with her is a defense mechanism and a rewrite of history to better fit her current narrative.  Take my experience, for example.  J "couldn't wait" to have the life we always talked about.  As soon as life started moving that way, she discarded me.  Currently, she's seeing someone else and we haven't spoken in almost a week.  What did I do to her to make her do that?  On my end, nothing other than asking to spend time with me after a week of her "being to busy" to even have lunch with me.  On her end, she had decided I was going to leave her because she was "crazy" and she started seeking out a new partner who had a clean slate with her (she got really focused on that statement - "I wish we could have a clean slate, I wish I could take all I've done to you back so you'll trust me.".  Funny thing is she literally said "you never really trusted me, though I never gave you a reason to, but since you didn't trust me, I knew you'd leave."   She probably was right. I had been contemplating it for several months (she dated a guy for about a month in July and I never really "came back" after that).  But, she still saw it as my fault that I didn't trust her "no matter how much good" she did (even though she never did anything "good".

Anyway, the biggest thing to take away from all that is: she loved you once, it was all real, up until the moment it wasn't.  It's not your fault.  They are mentally ill and that won't change.

[SummerStorm]

I think a lot of us fall into this trap of thinking that pwBPD enter into relationships with the intent to destroy them and to manipulate the other person.  So, when the relationship ends, we think it was all a lie and that we were tricked.

But, as Lonely_Astro stated, everything she felt was real... .and then, it wasn't.  I have two great examples that illustrate this.  On May 3rd, my pwBPD called me her "soon to be girlfriend" and told me she loved me so much.  By May 10th, she didn't feel that way anymore.  I asked why she would say those things to me, and she replied, "I did mean them at the time.  I wasn't saying them for effect."  On May 16th, she told me she wanted to live with me and marry me.  By the 23rd, she didn't want that anymore.  On June 7th, when I visited her in the hospital, I asked why she told me she wanted those things if she really didn't.  She replied, "I did want those things... .sometimes."  So, when she felt those things for me, they were completely real to her.  She didn't enter into a friendship with me with the plan to eventually end it.  And when she considered dating me, she wasn't plotting out ways that she could destroy it.

Like all of us, my pwBPD wants love and happiness.  Unfortunately, intimacy is such a huge trigger for her that she has trouble continuing with any relationship that goes past the "puppy love" stage.  Every time she's lived with a romantic partner, it has gone downhill very quickly.  But the problem is that she really, really wants to live with the person she's dating.  If she gets close to the person but can't live with him/her for whatever reason, she sees this as abandonment and leaves the person before he/she can leave her. 

[Learning_curve74]

Good posts above explaining the mental illness.  

Remember for a BPDer, feelings are facts, so it's very possible she's being as honest with you now as she was in the past because that is honestly what she is feeling right now. On the other hand maybe she's lying for some reason or other. The question is how does that relate to you and your life? What does it change for you either way?

The insight you are looking for is simply the acceptance that she is mentally ill and her way of living and interacting with people close to her is unhealthy. If you're trying to find some understanding of her illness, then a starting point is understanding the distorted thinking processes inherent in BPD. If you've never read this article before or if you've forgotten it, this is a good starting point for educating yourself about BPD: https://bpdfamily.com/tools/articles2a.htm

[hotncold]

Thank you for the information.  I did meet up with my ex in the end. How do I feel about the meeting? I'm having a hard time understanding it.  I feel off.  I don't feel very good.  She seems to have projected on to me and thought that I was contacting her because I was in crisis.  I just wanted to meet up with her because I want to move on in my life, and I felt that the way we had left it last time really wasn't reflective of what had been.  I needed to give this thing what it deserved (in my mind) at least.  She agreed that the way we had ended it wasn't right.  That's pretty much all I got out of her. For the rest, she gave very little information about herself. She was shut down, while I was open and honest about as many things as I could be under the circumstances... .but it's hard to be open and honest when it is not being reciprocated.   I think that is what left me feeling really strange... .it was like talking in a dark room, and knowing someone in the dark is listening but will not make a sound or show themselves.  Sometimes I would ask her a question and she would answer something completely different to what I was asking... .it was very odd.  I suppose though this is probably the best thing I can expect under the circumstances... .