Why do they do this?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hello everyone,

Thanks to everyone on this website and their knowledge, I'm able to understand what went on in my then-relationship better. I've learnt a lot about abandonment, engulfment, splitting etc. Here is another thing and I would like to learn the mechanism behind this:

Whenever my ex and I talked about us (and he is still doing this to the best of his power in LC), the moment the issue shifted from his blaming me to what I needed, wanted etc, my ex managed/manages to go away. This escape may be in many forms, he's gotta sleep all of a sudden, a headache hits him, he needs to something (anything) but just drops it and leaves. Even when I ask for something very clearly (ex: "You are an empathetic person, you know you read me so well and I so need your empathy right now." I thought maybe this is something he does to not dysregulate, but maybe it's about not taking responsibility, it certainly felt invalidating when we were together (it doesn't anymore). But does this happen and what kind of feelings does the pwBPD go through when they are doing this?

[thisworld]

Hello everyone,

Thanks to everyone on this website and their knowledge, I'm able to understand what went on in my then-relationship better. I've learnt a lot about abandonment, engulfment, splitting etc. Here is another thing and I would like to learn the mechanism behind this:

Whenever my ex and I talked about us (and he is still doing this to the best of his power in LC), the moment the issue shifted from his blaming me to what I needed, wanted etc, my ex managed/manages to go away. This escape may be in many forms, he's gotta sleep all of a sudden, a headache hits him, he needs to something (anything) but just drops it and leaves. Even when I ask for something very clearly (ex: "You are an empathetic person, you know you read me so well and I so need your empathy right now." I thought maybe this is something he does to not dysregulate, but maybe it's about not taking responsibility, it certainly felt invalidating when we were together (it doesn't anymore). But does this happen and what kind of feelings does the pwBPD go through when they are doing this?

[JohnLove]

Hello thisworld, I too have experienced this many times and have read the reasons given why pwBPD have this dysfunctional behavioural mechanism. It is repeatable.

I have tried to understand it from a technical perspective and these "explanations" are unsatisfactory... .and there does not seem to be any real solution for the non.

I like your question.

I'd like an answer even more.

[thisagain]

My theory is that it goes back to the fear of engulfment. Having another person want or need something from them is scary to them. Even asking for what you want in a totally normal and healthy way can feel to them like you're trying to control them, and trigger their defiant toddler reaction of "you can't tell me what to do!".

I think it could also have to do with their core shame. If you are less than 100% thrilled with how they treat you, they hear that and jump straight to thinking they're not good enough and will never be good enough. These are not comfortable feelings for them, so they might rage, shut down, or go do something impulsive to prove that you don't control them.

A few times I told my ex that I wanted her to hold me after sex and be emotionally present with me (for example, not start cackling maniacally about something I clearly don't think is funny). She felt like I was trying to control her, and found it really disturbing and threatening. Briefly, she actually decided to change her sexual orientation and demand an open relationship -- just so she could prove to herself that I didn't have control over her.

I'll take the headache or sleep over a rage! I'm not sure if it's even a conscious choice to go to sleep instead of raging. I think sometimes my ex got so emotionally overwhelmed that her brain literally shut down and she HAD to sleep.

[Lonely_Astro]

J was the same way with me fairly often.  She'd ask me how I was doing and when I'd start talking, she would pick up her phone and scroll through her Instagram feed or something else.  But heaven forbid I "dismiss" anything she ever said.

J is a waif, so I constantly had to hear about aches and pains all the time.  She always had some ailment, typically headaches unless Aunt Flo was coming, then it was major cramps.  If I ever had a headache and mentioned it, she would say "my heads killing me to," then launch into why it hurt or whatever. 

It's all about the attention.  They can't stand for someone else to be the "center", they have to have it.  At least that was my experience with J.  She would often pipe up in a conversation (or if the topic was over her head, she'd sulk and pout) about something off topic just to bring it back to her (once a co-worker and I was discussing a tv show we both watched and J blurted out "I found some really cute boots I think I'm going to buy".  Another thing that she would do is walk over my topic.  What I mean is I would talk to a co-worker about a tv show that J didn't watch.  This same worker watched a show J did but I didn't.  So right in the middle of the co-worker and I talking about our common show, J would insert "hey, did you watch Empire last night?  I can't believe such and such did that to such and such!"  Kind of bizarre in hindsight as it had nothing to do with boots or empire that we were talking about.  She was just mad she wasn't "included" in the conversation.

[thisworld]

Thank you for your comments ThisAgain, they all sound very credible to me. Unfortunately, my ex exhibited this any time I chose to "exist" really.

Lonely_Astro, I think playing with the phone would reflect as narcissistic, truly invalidating behaviour on me. I think it's worse than the immediate sleep hit actually.   

[apollotech]

Wouldn't the examples given above indicate that a pwBPD valued the attachment much more than the actual person that they were attached to? It's a child's way of valuing another person. Many times, as soon as the other person (the Non in the case of a BPD relationship) expresses his/her needs or something about themselves, the child becomes dismissive. IMO, what we all experienced in these similar scenarios is one facet of our respective exSO's emotional immaturity. We, to them, weren't important; having us was important.

[once removed]

hey thisworld 

ive been brushing up on schemas lately; you might read up on the detached protector schema mode. im reading that pwBPD spend the majority of their time in this mode, and though im not fully confident in my understanding of it yet, i get the feeling what you are describing is related.

[thisworld]

Thank you once removed, i'll definitely look at it.

Apollotech, sure it does signify our absence, especially because our (at least my) partners never came back after this break (sleep, headache etc) and said "so you were saying something the other day... ." i personally think even this situation, where you have to one-sidedly chase an issue to get heard, would be detrimental to one's emotional health in the long run. (Sorry for the spelling, im on a silly phone)

[Learning Fast]

apollotech,

Spot on.  We are viewed as objects that fulfill a need as opposed to people to be loved.  Fulfilling a need is a one-way street while loving a person is two-way.  Hence the one-way direction of what's been described in these posts.

LF

[thisworld]

Still, even if we don't exist as separate subjects, i suppose there could be times where they simply dont feel that they have to run away. İ know that narcs do similar things when there is threat of a narcissistic wound, i suspect something similar is at work. Maybe even an extremely fearful or avoidant attachment style. There wasnt a single time my partner was not accidentally hit by an ailment right at that exact moment. İts almost too systematic.