Should you respond to Blamespeak Email/Messages?

[EmpathyBoy]

Hi all!

My BPD sister and NPD father have fractured the family over baloney and as many know here the specific baloney matters less than the PD driving the behavior.

My mother is also BPD and had frontal lobe brain injury 20-years ago, which has healed significantly. 

I got a crazy Blamespeak email about 10-days ago that appears from my father, ghostwritten by my sister to create or enhance the dysfunction by banning my father from seeing me even for brunch until I "reconcile" by somehow agree to all her twisted or fictional accusations against me for ruining her life as her worst enemy.

It used odd terms "normalizing my relationship" and vague accusations "very mean" and hinted slurs ("12 step program" even though they are petty things that she twisted over the years plus I apologized long ago (thinking it might help and I have never had any such issues (drugs, alcohol, anger, etc.) ever needing any such steps as he/she suggests.

I have gone through a few drafts in BIFF format, trying to be brief, informational/factual, friendly and firm and avoid being preachy or argumentative, but I also think false and ridiculous and vague accusations should go unchallenged while all the other relatives walk on eggshells around them both.

I do not have a clear perspective and the fractures extend to my aunts, uncle, cousins, etc. who may not want to get involved, but still listen or hear the twisted stories my sister and father tell.  I am too close to this, but feel I should stand up for myself while trying to avoid blowback.  It may all be a tactic for them justifying changing the will as others suggest, but it is all B.S.

Respond and clarify and minorly defend my honor without trying to pour gasoline on the fire or am I being suckered in by my pride if I respond at all?

[Turkish]

Hmm. Maybe she's been reading some self-help books, or is even on some other forum, picking things up. Is there anything valid to address? Validate the valid, invalidate the invalid.

What's the goal here? Your honor (the truth, and your feelings based upon your values) aren't likely something she'll hear. How many sentences is your BIFF?

[Pilpel]

until I "reconcile" by somehow agree to all her twisted or fictional accusations against me for ruining her life as her worst enemy.

I never cease to be amazed by the similarities in BPD behavior.  I had a similar email from my BPD SIL several years ago.  After my husband and I decided to move out of state, she decided she wanted to reconcile with me  -since thing were very weird after I tried to help them with their wedding.  But her efforts to propose a reconciliation came across like: "You must acknowledge all the ways you've hurt, betrayed, and been an awful person toward me, and then all things can be made right after you say you're sorry and I officially forgive you."  Okay, she didn't say it quite like that.  But it wasn't that far off.  She's really from a different era in her way of thinking.  And... .I responded by JADEing.  Because I couldn't believe how twisted her accusations were --even making up conversations that I had with other people.  I've mentioned this story a few times on here already.  But it was such a huge learning experience for me.  Responding back with any sort of JADEing does not good.  You're better off not responding. 

Ultimately with SIL, I composed a letter that ended up being more for my sake than for hers.  I ended up formulating all the ways that she crossed boundaries with me with her letter.   And basically told that I wasn't going to put up with her accusations, and trying to control the narrative.  If she wanted to have relationship with me, she needed to make an effort to see the best in me, and not always assume the worst intentions in everything I do.  Aside from her being oddly finicky and controlling about odd things, her worst and most destructive trait is that she assumes the worst in people. She couldn't argue against that. 

That said, the letter really helped me more than anything, by allowing me to describe my boundaries.  She read it.  I know that she sort of understood it.  And in a lot of ways, she's respected those boundaries.  But I'll admit when it all came down to it, I felt like she saw  anything that I said as just a lot of talk and not getting to the point.  And the point was that she wanted her feelings acknowledged. We ended up having to meet face to face, using the method described in Stop Walking on Eggshells of reflective listening.  I think it's really hard to start.  But I do think it's the closest thing to having a rational conversation with a BPD when emotions and facts end up getting endlessly twisted. 

I wish you the best with this.

[unicorn2014]

I'm sorry you are going through that.

There is a part of me that thinks some contact is better then no contact.

At least your family pays attention to you.

I wonder if there is anything that you could glean from or benefit from that perspective?

---

I think validating the valid is a good way to respond.

[EmpathyBoy]

Hmm. Maybe she's been reading some self-help books, or is even on some other forum, picking things up. Is there anything valid to address? Validate the valid, invalidate the invalid.

I am not sure how any of this is self-help... .if she figured out she has BPD, this is the wrong approach.  She still does not admit to having any social problems.  It also, like my father seemed generally vague... .leaving little to challenge except odd accusations that imply something nefarious.  My father brought up a few up on her behalf at these brunches and I tried to do exactly that.  He did not like discussing or admitting the facts or petty nature of these complaints years later.

My father or sister have not actually typed out or listed what her current beefs are except implying it is this long vague.

What's the goal here? Your honor (the truth, and your feelings based upon your values) aren't likely something she'll hear. How many sentences is your BIFF?

BIFF is 10 sentences and 223 words to his/her 139 words, but it is much easier to make vague accusations than respond to them and clarify.

Goal?  That is the question I am not really sure of.  On one level I want to call out the B.S. for what it is.  On the other level I want to have brunch/lunch with my father every month or two even if my sister is NC.  I am trying to avoid feelings, but I am hurt and upset by this and that he purposefully did it at the holidays... .again.  I know my non-response will be twisted even more than a response, so I would prefer something in writing.  It has bothered me enough that I have had sleeping issues for the last 10-days I would like to have my say, but not get into a war/drama over it.

[EmpathyBoy]

I never cease to be amazed by the similarities in BPD behavior.

Definitely true and thank you for the story.  Actually this is not really a good time for me to get involved in my sister's drama anyways - I got my own stuff to deal with in regular life.  My NPD father has seemingly rejected getting my sister to anyone who could properly diagnose or help her for a decade - because it would be admitting failure on his part in some way (my interpretation of NPD ego protecting behavior).

Tying not to JADE or justify, argue, defend, and/or explain and more in the BIFF form clarify the situation, the facts, and take some of the wind out of my father or sister's justification without directly challenging or defending (it was extremely non-specific).  I feel like I need to respond for my own closure.

For example at one point I state, "reconciliation is likely impossible without communication or attempts to clarify and reach a common understanding."

[EmpathyBoy]

I think validating the valid is a good way to respond.

The funny thing is this email mentions a letter I sent 2-years ago at Xmas (by mail only) responding to my sister sending back her birthday cards/gifts with an awful letter months earlier.

It was long at about 1,100 words, but most of those words were focused on facts and clarification of reality and my position as I saw it without arguing.  I still listed some of her more ridiculous beefs to point out I had apologized even for those silly ones long ago.  I indicated that I did not know what her full list was (and still don't).  In the letter I again stated that I would not see the world in black/white terms or take sides in a pointless family war, esp. against my aunt or cousins who was defending me... .just because it pissed my sister off.

It was a bit preachy no doubt, but it clearly illustrated the difference between how I see reality versus how my sister and father does.  It drew boundary lines on what I would not be dragged into.  It responded to her vague accusations in the letter from months earlier asking for specifics.  I called out the blamespeak explicitly, mostly indicating that if it helped her in her life to blame me and she moved forward in her life, then perhaps it was not that bad at all as I wanted her to be happy.

What has changed in the 2-years since I wrote that letter.  Nothing.  My father brought it to a brunch and had me read it (without the original crazy letter it was responding to) and I told him I stood by every word.  The email mentions this letter as "justification for your actions"... .avoiding any specifics, providing the clarification it requested or challenging the facts in the letter.

Again the email reads more like my sister than my father in words and tone.  NPD get worse as they get older, so who knows.  The truth is I likely do not want to talk with either of them for a couple of months anyways after they messed with my holidays again.  I also have my own stuff to deal with and feel unless my father is willing to get my sister to a real expert therapist (with BPD experience) it is likely futile as he is just enabling her denial.  He has never been a good mediator or peacemaker and got into political fights professionally all the time, so he could be stiring the pot merely for attention.

[busybee1116]

One thing that has worked for me when I get in a mood to set someone straight (particulary uNPDf or uNPDm)--I give myself a cooling off period. Write a draft, put it away, and just take a few days off. Sometimes it helps just to get the thoughts on paper and get my mind into the middle/wise mind so I can respond instead of react.

As an example, my uBPDm was trying to figure out how to make a trip to my part of the state, where she used to live. Just a random trip to visit me, friends. It was the worst time of year for her to visit me (work issue) and I had to ask her to delay her trip. I explained that I still wanted to see her, but the time she picked was just not going to work for me or my husband. If she visited then, we wouldn't get to spend much time together at all and I wanted to be sure to find a time that worked for both of us. I gave her some alternate dates. She sent back an email that sounded like a wounded animal. She told me she would delay her trip and not to "stress out"--I was not, but triggering for me as I was often told how to feel and feelings invalidated a as kid (plus, why does a schedule conflict have to be an emotional roller coaster?), sorry to be a distraction--as in not important, very disappointed but she understands my schedule is more important   and of course she has more flexibility being retired and not an important working person  blah blah blah. Also lashed out at several family members and friends--at least not at me, but gave me a clue about how upset she is. I wrote back a very JADE draft that I wasn't stressed out and work is busy blah blah blah and then put it away for 2 days. I thought about my goals for her trip (I really do want to see her, but also within my boundaries) and also my goals for what I want with her--better communication. So getting to the middle, why not take her at her word? She is flexible, she gets that it's not a good time at work (even though disappointed). The rest is just noise. So I just sent a very simple BIFFy email that said: "Thanks, Mom!"--THAT IS ALL, to acknowledge her being flexible/willing to delay trip, then changed the subject to something blooming in my yard. I think it was 4 sentences. Because in the middle--she still wants to visit and so do I.

EmpathyBoy: Your goal is to have visits with your dad occasionally, even though it sounds like he is in a dance with your sister (he wrote email but you think written by your sister). Is it possible your dad has no idea that the letter was written? Did she send from his account? Or you think he wrote with her coaching? If dad has no clue, then just ignore it. Who cares. It's just noise. Email in a month and suggest a brunch date. If you think he's in on the email, how can you get to the middle? That's where the magic happens. Could you say something along the lines of "I've read the email you sent carefully [to validate]. I'm sorry my relationship with sister is so fractured. I'm not sure how to repair that, and sister obviously feels hurt as well to the point that perhaps it's best sister and I part ways. I still want to meet with you, Dad, and look forward to our next brunch!" AND END!

[unicorn2014]

Empathy Boy, do you want to have a relationship with your disordered parent or sibling?

[EmpathyBoy]

One thing that has worked for me when I get in a mood to set someone straight (particulary uNPDf or uNPDm)--I give myself a cooling off period. Write a draft, put it away, and just take a few days off. Sometimes it helps just to get the thoughts on paper and get my mind into the middle/wise mind so I can respond instead of react.

Thanks for the suggestion.  That is pretty much what I did and I am doing while I ask for input/feedback on the board since so many of us deal with the same things, but books versus practical experience are different.

Since this initial email, my mother has had two conversations, one with my sister and then later with my father.  From what she about the conversations (not very clear what they said as much as what she said unfortuntately)... .it seems like this sudden shot across the bow is related to other stuff behind the scenes (hinted, though not admitted).

... .sorry to be a distraction--as in not important, very disappointed but she understands my schedule is more important   and of course she has more flexibility being retired and not an important working person  blah blah blah.

I always find it a bit interesting when I can hear they self-martyrdom in my head... .like a visualization of someone nailing themselves to some planks of wood (no offense to anyone religious)... .like I can hear that hammer striking down on the nails.  My father and sister both do this, but the BPD sister is the pro.

The rest is just noise. So I just sent a very simple BIFFy email that said: "Thanks, Mom!"--THAT IS ALL, to acknowledge her being flexible/willing to delay trip, then changed the subject to something blooming in my yard. I think it was 4 sentences. Because in the middle--she still wants to visit and so do I.

Makes sense.  In many ways it would have helped if my father (or sister ghostwriter) was more clear on what the heck is the actual beefs or goals, but vague blamespeak and manipulative words, phrasing and timing is more the game or tactic.

EmpathyBoy: Your goal is to have visits with your dad occasionally, even though it sounds like he is in a dance with your sister (he wrote email but you think written by your sister). Is it possible your dad has no idea that the letter was written?

My mother asked him point blank if he wrote it or had my sister over his shoulder as editor and he claims it was all him, but I know how the two of them talk and speech or writing patterns are like fingerprints.  She clearly "helped him" tailor the message or gave him "suggestions" by repeating it every day for months until he gave in.

Your suggested BIFF is not bad either.  To your point in terms of my goals versus the likely or predictable behavior or response.  I think I want a break from them both for a couple or few months to deal with my own life challenges first and grant their requested time out.  My mother had two annoying phone calls on the matter and I have not even responded yet except for my response over the phone on the first call.  Past experience has shown me that I have trouble handling my sister's reponses/attacks/harrassment while trying to deal with major life issues of my own.

I also think my mother and others have a point about their being a financial aspect (changing the will) to this and I think I will try to sidestep the issue carefully and by extension call out the pettiness on my father's and greed on my sister's part, to play games with family over money.  If my father wants to give her everything, that is his call, but he does not need to manufacture some baloney excuse of me being a bad son to massage his ego and I see no reason to provide him that opportunity.

While I do not want to inflame things, would like some time with my father before he dies and knowing that he will never change (for the better)... .I see no reason to indulge or reinforce or leave unchallenged their denigrating fictions that attack my character or reputation.  I am a very good person and shame on them for treating me otherwise.

[EmpathyBoy]

Empathy Boy, do you want to have a relationship with your disordered parent or sibling?

Yes and no.  Not sure if that is helpful or not. 

I think I can only have a relationship such that I have contact once every month or so at best and otherwise keep up strong boundaries.  Getting two involved or entangled in their lives drains energy, distracts me from my own stuff, causes stress and opens myself to exploitation and abuse.

My father is old, 77 and as an NPD will never get better and does not care anymore if he ever did.  As his student and former student narcissistic supply gets cutoff, he will likely be more of a challenge to deal with according to everything I have read.

My BPD sister, is busy manipulating my father for fun and profit so to speak.  I do not want to be harsh, but it does seem like extreme BPD's can show a lack of conscience and empathy to others normally seen from true psychopaths.  There may be reasons for this, but the level of active tactical manipulation seems to not really be impulsive, even if it is a socially adaptive survival trait.  I noticed this when my parents divorced and I as young, the explosive unpredictable BPD rages and reactions made my father's NPD self-centered focus on ego stroking seem tame by comparison.  NPD's seem much more predictable IMHO.  It does not help that I think my father will prevent my sister from ever getting useful professional help as long as he is alive as he is more concerned with her BPD could be connected to his bad parenting (he is a smart NPD) and admission failing on his part... .and he is infallible of course.  I tried to talk with him honestly about it over a decade ago now and he has yet to come any closer to agreeing that she needs real help to survive in the world, let alone get along with her brother.

I think there are three conclusions I have come to in terms of what I would like, but not what is possible/feasible:

1) I would like to have a meal in person with my father every month or two to catch up and see how he is doing and if he likes see how my life is going.  No more than that expected, been trying hard since I was 11... .never going to have a real father/son relationship as it is beyond him with NPD.

2) I think contact with my sister needs to be limited to once or twice a year, or once every three months/quarterly at most until she gets professional help for her BPD (therapy, CBT/DBT, etc.).  If it needs to be NC for either of us, I see no reason to push otherwise as it is futile and my father should not try to emotionally blackmail me when he cannot articulate what she wants for reconciliation either (at least anything approaching reality).  I also want her to have no excuses for not getting on in her life.  Any contact she has where she creates another crisis from nothing is just another excuse for her to do nothing in life or purposefully fail while claiming victim-hood.

3) I want to have contact with my extended relatives not actively engaged in "sticking up for my sister".  No clue which ones that is exactly, but I need to bypass my father and sister and make my own arrangements from now on.  I avoided some of them in the last few years because I did not want to create a blowback situation with my sister... .who seems to take pleasure in "punishing me" by cutting me off from my father's side of the family.  I have 5-6 years of their crazy stories about me behind the scenes without knowing what was said as a backdrop to deal with too, but I feel enough is enough.  They are my family too and my sister's issues should not keep me from them anymore.  Still not sure how to talk about my sister if they bring it up even if I am avoiding the subject.

Anyone have any other thoughts, feedback or perspective to provide?

[unicorn2014]

Empathy boy I stopped reading right here

My BPD sister, is busy manipulating my father 

Is this thread about your narcissistic father or your BPD sister? If its about your BPD sister, if I may, you seem to be thick with resentment. Do you think you could take a step back? Based on how you seem to feel right now, I would say that you should not respond to email or messages from your sister.

[mauian1]

Hi Empathy,

I went through a similar situation with my BPD /NPD mother and enabling father so many times during the past several years.  What I have learned from my wonderful therapist over the past 2 1/2 years is how to better evaluate these situations from a different point of view then make realistic decisions for my own responses.  Is there an objective person you can talk to, or a group you can attend? My situation, like yours, was a pattern of behavior that kept being repeated.  Oh sure, different situations over time showed how creative my BPD can be to blame me for problems she imagined. Therapy taught me: they are not going to change, and I cannot change their dysfunctional behavior and my role as the scapegoat. Your situation has a lot of similarities!  Maybe look up projection, and scapegoating as adult family abuse? 

[EmpathyBoy]

Empathy boy I stopped reading right here

My BPD sister, is busy manipulating my father 

Is this thread about your narcissistic father or your BPD sister? If its about your BPD sister, if I may, you seem to be thick with resentment. Do you think you could take a step back? Based on how you seem to feel right now, I would say that you should not respond to email or messages from your sister.

It is about a situation involving both of them as I clearly indicated.  The problem is not that I cannot separate the two, but they live together and are in a surrogate BPD/NPD relationship (similar to dynamic with my mother when they were married).  They are linking the relationships and my sister is in no mood for and shows no interest in reconciliation anyways at this time... .this indicates other motives are involved.

It is hard to exactly diagnose my sister, but I went over a bunch of it in detail with an expert beyond my own reading and she is at least a BPD with likely OCD.  Having such conditions still allows for other negative personality traits that are interrelated or overlap too.

It is unclear who is manipulating who in interactions with NPD and BPD.  That is a theory of my mother and cousin and in practice my sister has been extremely tactically and socially manipulative in many instances I know of.  More often than not, when money is involved she really digs in... .actually with most people money messes things up more than normal.

The email was supposedly from my father, he claims he wrote it, but parts of the wording and tone sound much more like my sister.  She could have just repeated the complaints/ideas for months until he wrote the email - who knows.

I have to stick with the premise that the email is from my father, but will be read by my sister.  I am not sure how pointing out the situation is being "thick with resentment" and she has caused a fracture preventing the extended family for possibly ever having Xmas together again... .not to be unsympathetic to her condition, but I find that appalling and incredibly selfish of her.

I am trying to work out ideas and approaches for the long-haul and still want to respond to the email eventually without causing a new fight.  I am pissed off that they waited a couple of months until right before Xmas before pulling this latest stunt.  I am sure it would have bothered me less if they did this in Oct, Nov or early Dec too... .so I think the timing was also tactical to be as much of a jerk as possible.

[busybee1116]

It is about a situation involving both of them as I clearly indicated.  The problem is not that I cannot separate the two, but they live together and are in a surrogate BPD/NPD relationship (similar to dynamic with my mother when they were married).  They are linking the relationships and my sister is in no mood for and shows no interest in reconciliation anyways at this time... .this indicates other motives are involved.

Well, IME, then you can't see one without the other if they are in a NPD/BPD pair. I have a uNPDf and uBPDm. I would love to be able to spend time alone with my Dad, but it just creates all sorts of jealousy and havoc for my mother. It's really hard (or impossible in my case) to be NC with one and not the other or to have boundaries with one and not the other as they act as ONE person. It sucks.

[EmpathyBoy]

I have to stick with the premise that the email is from my father, but will be read by my sister.  I am not sure how pointing out the situation is being "thick with resentment" and she has caused a fracture preventing the extended family for possibly ever having Xmas together again... .not to be unsympathetic to her condition, but I find that appalling and incredibly selfish of her.

I realize I did not really explain that in this thread as I was trying to focus on the whether or not to respond to this single blamespeak email.  Short version is after an event 3-years ago at Xmas and then the following Feb there was a split:  Myself, my mother, my aunt and her daughter and son on my side[5].  My sister, father and his brother, wife and their son and daughter[6] on their side-seemingly.

I sort of tested this when I visited my male cousin(J) last year after Xmas and a conversation with the cousin already on my side this year (S), sort of indicated that they may just be staying out of the middle and no one wants to cross my father, esp. his brother.

In some ways as my aunt pointed out which stirred up the hornet's nest, this is a 2nd generation splinter now (for no good reason) after her husband's behavior cause the initial fracture decades ago.

Although the email initially involves my sister and father, it has implications with the extended family and it is clear that they both are willing to turn and twist things out of context to their advantage.

One of my long term goals regardless is to reconnect with my extended family directly and no longer allow my sister or father to be a firewall keeping me from them.

Like many things involving PD's or multiple PD's in an extended dysfunctional family, there are more things going on and the PD's always want to drag as many people in on things no matter what you do.

[EmpathyBoy]

Thank you for the response busybee!

Well, IME, then you can't see one without the other if they are in a NPD/BPD pair. I have a uNPDf and uBPDm. I would love to be able to spend time alone with my Dad, but it just creates all sorts of jealousy and havoc for my mother. It's really hard (or impossible in my case) to be NC with one and not the other or to have boundaries with one and not the other as they act as ONE person. It sucks.

It is interesting that your parental PD's are reversed - that is rare as far as I know.  The NPDm/BPDf is far more common and the King/Queen of PD couples, but I am reversed does not change the psychological dynamics too much.

Since I stayed home for 3-months, 3.5-years ago after dumping my home, I was able to confirm by first person observation what was a theory with my expert - that my sister had taken on the surrogate role of my BPD mother before... .very creepy IMHO, but I am sure Freud would agree it makes sense.

My father ruined about half of the brunches we had by turning them into argument/battles instead of visits/conversations... .coming armed by whatever windmill my sister wanted to fight about that week/month.  If that is all the brunches are, then they are pointless. 

If my sister cannot sit down in public and discuss things without causing a scene, then how does my father doing that help.  He never remembers the conversations very well either and twists things accidentally, subconsciously or on purpose... .hard to tell with NPD's... .he barely listens to what anyone else has to say anyways.  I have said to my father consistently that is the first step if reconciliation is possible.  We have to be able to have a meal in public without causing a scene and talking like adults.

Maintaining boundaries is a key factor.  Previously back in 2009 I think or over 6-years ago I had to go NC with both of them for that exact reason.  I was busy with a political battle at work - fighting for my job/career and was getting calls/emails/texts over baloney from my sister during work as well as late at night.  Cutting her off or ignoring her calls only shifted it to my father doing the same and I had to go NC with both to maintain my focus and sanity.

What triggered my sister going all NC, and banning me from Xmas?  My father letting me come back home for 3-months while I found a new job.  Nothing else really except that unlike her expectation of me getting fired because I am a bad person or something... .here we are 3-years, 4-months later and I am still employed and she is still at home working on her degree (27+ years now on the same one!).

[busybee1116]

I realize I did not really explain that in this thread as I was trying to focus on the whether or not to respond to this single blamespeak email. 

Personally, I would not challenge the blamespeak. It's just noise, the response will be more dramatic and vengeful and it won't help you accomplish the goal of trying to spend time with your father. Being painted black is awful and I'm not saying you shouldn't stand up for yourself, be assertive with boundaries and clear up any falsehoods, but if accusations are vague and written just to anger you, you'll get no where. Oddly enough, your father may be trying to get you to feel bad and want to spend more time with him, grovel a bit to boost his ego. Who knows. Try to get to the core meaning/message of his email--is it to hurt you? Split you and sister? Be a persecutor for your sister? Something else?

[EmpathyBoy]

Personally, I would not challenge the blamespeak. It's just noise, the response will be more dramatic and vengeful and it won't help you accomplish the goal of trying to spend time with your father.

I agree.  I am thinking a much shorter BIFF email response than I was planning and then dealing with a different, but likely intertwined issue by phone or in person briefly and conflict free as I did after I left my house over 3-years ago.

Oddly enough, your father may be trying to get you to feel bad and want to spend more time with him, grovel a bit to boost his ego. Who knows. Try to get to the core meaning/message of his email--is it to hurt you? Split you and sister? Be a persecutor for your sister? Something else?

I am not entirely sure, but my father and sister especially could give Machiavelli lessons at times consider the complexity of some of their social manipulation and schemes in the past.  Three different people (mother, cousin, friend) all seem to agree this seems a financial scheme and long-play by my sister.  My father seems to be slowing down and my sister is grossly exaggerating that indicating things like he should have his driver's license taken away when he has not had an accident in decades and no close calls yet.  She may have power of attorney over him already, is the executor of the will and may be trying to get him to change the will and cut me out completely over a small loan I still owe him and planned to finish paying back again soon.

I was put in the position of having to become 100% financially self-sufficient since they indicated they would let me die homeless before letting me come home again - over a FB message my aunt sent to my sister saying she was treating me poorly and unfairly.  She has likely drained almost a million dollar from both of my parents over the years without paying back a dime or getting a job and has the gall to twist him into giving her everything because I am the bad one?  Seems unbelievable, but likely true and she tried to get him to cut me out of the will before at least twice.

The only skill she seems to have acquired after 46 years is manipulating our parents into supporting her lifestyle and this is likely a small part of her bigger game to get it all.  I really do not care that much about the money either - she will likely need it, but these tactics to justify his decision instead of just admitting she cannot survive without it is sad.  I told him years ago I was fine if he left everything to her for those reasons.

[busybee1116]

... .so why do you want to spend time with your dad?