After a whole year, it still feels as though it was yesterday

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I don't know what happened, but I recently looked at the calendar and realized a whole year had just gone by since my exBPD left, and the anxiety and stabbing pain of her moving on instantly hit right back into my gut. What the hell? I have this fixation on her once again. I'm scared that I'm going to just give in and check her social media any second now. She most likely looks completely different (BPD self-image issues) and her life has most likely changed drastically, and UH! there's the massive pain again! confirmation of her forgetting my existence while I was just stuck the whole time... .

At first I thought it was just regular breakup feelings (though it was my first relationship), but the pain has lasted a whole year. I've done other things in my life during that time, met a lot of old friends again and traveled a lot. I always felt happy with that kind of life, but this past year, no matter what I do it's like I'm constantly zoned out and detached... .my brain is so unable to break free from the pain that I can't come back to reality and genuinely enjoy life anymore. She dug into my head with the shock of monthly suicide threats and emotional instability, causing me to have intense fear of what would happen if I left. And she just got a new guy right away. And at this 1 year anniversary the pain is back to what it was on day 1.

When will this pass? What can I do? Anybody experience anything similar? I feel so alone and scared of relapsing, and I'm too embarrassed to tell anyone close since it's been a whole year.

[skittles22]

I don't know what happened, but I recently looked at the calendar and realized a whole year had just gone by since my exBPD left, and the anxiety and stabbing pain of her moving on instantly hit right back into my gut. What the hell? I have this fixation on her once again. I'm scared that I'm going to just give in and check her social media any second now. She most likely looks completely different (BPD self-image issues) and her life has most likely changed drastically, and UH! there's the massive pain again! confirmation of her forgetting my existence while I was just stuck the whole time... .

At first I thought it was just regular breakup feelings (though it was my first relationship), but the pain has lasted a whole year. I've done other things in my life during that time, met a lot of old friends again and traveled a lot. I always felt happy with that kind of life, but this past year, no matter what I do it's like I'm constantly zoned out and detached... .my brain is so unable to break free from the pain that I can't come back to reality and genuinely enjoy life anymore. She dug into my head with the shock of monthly suicide threats and emotional instability, causing me to have intense fear of what would happen if I left. And she just got a new guy right away. And at this 1 year anniversary the pain is back to what it was on day 1.

When will this pass? What can I do? Anybody experience anything similar? I feel so alone and scared of relapsing, and I'm too embarrassed to tell anyone close since it's been a whole year.

[hope2727]

You are not alone. I am so sorry you are experiencing this. It takes way longer than I thought it would to recover.

Its been 1.5 years for me. I still think of him daily. I can barely focus to function sometimes. I am still struggling with C-PTSD symptoms. I still sleep either constantly or not at all. I am still in therapy. I still have physical symptoms of trauma. I still have outbursts of spontaneous crying. I am still 30 pounds overweight. I still come home each day with tons of ambition to do things and end up immobilized doing nothing. I am told its all part of the process.

Google narcissistic abuse and read up on the subject. It explains so many of the things I have experienced. I think you may find some comfort from knowing others have also endured these kinds of journeys.

I can say that I am WAY WAY better then when he left. I couldn't function at all when it first hit the fan. I recently joined a new gym. I only go 1 x week so far but it is ok. I can't seem to make myself go to my old gym at the moment.  I am slowly paying off the financial debts left behind. I have made a couple of new friends. I am purging my house of all possessions (really slowly I admit). I go to dinner with a friend(s) about once a week. I cooked real food tonight. I walked 3 km today. So all these things come with time.

You endured a horrible trauma. Never minimize the harm that has been done. It will take time. Keep going. You are worth the work to get better. At least you can. I doubt my pwBPD ever will and that is really sad. I am focusing on what I have learned from all of this. I am so grateful that I have learned about PDs now. It explains so much that I have seen and experienced in my life. All I can do now is work on being my best me.

hugs and best wishes to you. Happy New Year I hope 2016 brings you much joy and peace.

 

[VeraTrue]

When will this pass? What can I do? Anybody experience anything similar? I feel so alone and scared of relapsing, and I'm too embarrassed to tell anyone close since it's been a whole year.

Skittles, just in the last couple of days I posted a new thread with almost an identical title. Please go easy on yourself. This is a challenging time of year anyway, the holidays and NYE. All that PLUS it's the anniversary. PTSD and grief and trauma does not care what our time frame preferences might be, huh. My uBPDexgf played the suicide game expertly too, and that takes a really specific toll. That kind of terror that if you don't do it all exactly right (even though nothing quite makes sense) will result in the death of the love of your life is just... .I mean if you haven't experienced that, it is hard to understand. I think we have to be OK with ourselves for having feelings a year later. I recall some movie where the villain placed a victim in this position of doing some impossible task in order to save the life of their helpless family. The situation we lived through is actually Hollywood-level torture and we went through it for someone who then discarded us. Holy sh*t. Of course it hit us at the anniversary, right after the holidays. I hope you realize I'm writing this for me as much as you... .I was feeling so angry with myself since NYE... .like HOW CAN THIS STILL BE A THING? Then I remember: not a regular breakup. I can't put regular parameters around it. As I write this feel a little angry at the social expectation that we should just be all better by now, so I'm just gonna rip on that for a second, ok? If we were walking along one day and our partner got shot and died in front of us, nobody would be like, "It's been a year, why aren't you happy yet and forgetting that fool?" Because it obviously wouldn't have been a regular relationship loss. What we've experienced isn't as obviously unique. From the outside it looks like a regular breakup and one that should be providing some relief since it was all so awful. They don’t get he trauma and say things like, "Well now you can relax and enjoy life! She took too much time, now you can focus on yourself!" Enjoy life? Focus on myself like pick right up where I left off? Maybe enjoy a little mimosa mani/pedi girltime to get over this? Um. PTSD, collapsed adrenals, anxiety attacks, major depression, job lost, burning through savings and my heart has never been so destroyed. Focusing on myself has meant a year of the hardest therapy ever 2x a week, acupuncture, various healers, doctors and specialists, all to repair damage that should never have been done. Yes, there’s underlying issues that I’ve been discovering and addressing. But it is still not OK that deceptive violation led me to this process.

You are so not alone, what you are feeling is normal. Don’t panic and don’t go farther into the spiral. Maybe try closing your eyes and simply breathing, remember that you’ve made it this far, and that you will get through this rough patch. Maybe it helps to remind yourself of how far you’ve come? Do something super nurturing for yourself, like watch a favorite movie or cook a really good meal, get a massage, anything you would enjoy. Do it to demonstrate to yourself that you are the one in charge of the love that is present in your life, that you are worthy of love and that you will make sure you give yourself love because love is your birthright.

You're going to be OK.

[Fox Mulder]

Hey Skittles. I'm a little more than a year out and though I'm doing better bit by bit, I still feel like I'm healing more slowly than I should be. My ex dug into my mind too. She was my best friend and, oftentimes, my only confidant. We did everything together, to the point that just about everything - music, movies, video games, traveling, food, clothes, sex - reminds me of her. It really sucks. I shared every single day with her. And then, one day, she hated me instead of loved me. And so she left me for someone she already had lined up.

Don't check her social media. The urge is strong. For me, I feel the urge to check because of sick curiosity about what she looks like now and also because I want to find some clue that she's unhappy with the decision she made to leave me for someone new. I last checked about five months ago and it set me back quite a bit. She looks absolutely gorgeous with her new blue hair and her skin is practically radiant. And her blog was just a constant parade of positivity and happiness about her new man and how perfect they are together and how - ugh - she has wild, amazing sex with him. Nothing about it helped me at all. It probably set my healing back months.

I'm actually on vacation right now and seeing awesome sights and visiting amazing places. I appreciate the experience but, like you, I walk around in a daze. I feel like I'm walking around missing half of myself. And when I see happy couples, it's like a kick in the ribs. I miss my ex so much, but at the same time I think about how she mirrored and idealized me, and then I'm sad because the person I loved was an invention of hers. It leaves me feeling confused and exploited and emotionally damaged.

It's going to take us a while to recover. I used to give myself grief over not being over her in a couple months, but I did some reading and decided that the old formula for getting over long relationships (half the length of the relationship) probably applies in my case. Which means I've got 10 more months of this to look forward to.

Hang in there, you're not alone.