Know that a bad day MUST come after a good one?

[Depression = 72% of members]

So, overall, I DO think things are better than when I first found this forum.  But I guess as I try to stand back and see patterns and when things get bad, I realized that it usually follows a really good period.  Like all the good gets used up and then the anger, rage, and moodiness come out to play in a big way. 

We had a wedding to go to this weekend.  I had already made it clear he did not have to go, but since we are very close to the family of the bride, best friends with her brother the last 20 years, I'd go and then make our excuses for not going to the reception.  He insisted he wanted to go, but had nothing to wear,which was true.  He has lost a lot of weight, and the suits he had were all falling off him.  Our shopping choices are very limited in our small town, and we both work, so jaunting off to buy a suit over an hour away was not really an option (I think most on here agree that pre-planning is not a BPD strong point as far as making it on time to events).  But we lucked out, and a local store had a suit in his size, even on sale, and we bought it.  He was still uncertain about going, and so Saturday, he realized he wasn't going to make the ceremony (He thought he could dry his clothes without heat in the same amount of time as with heat - so his pants were way to wet to wear).  I told him, since I was already ready, I'd do as I'd planned anyway, and go, and pick him up for the reception. Miraculously, this did not set off a rage, he asked me to text him when I was heading back for him.  He was dressed and ready - another miracle, and we drove there, and even after I got confused by some bad parking directions, he did not yell at me.  We had a nice night, and then got home, and he felt like going out to the local bar, so I went on the sleep.  A cold front came in, and of course he decided to walk home (He IS good about not drinking and driving) instead of calling me, and it aggravated the intermittent cough he has been fighting for weeks.  Overall, it was a decent day, a decent week, and rages and other nastiness was not present.

Yesterday started okay, even though it was cold, I bundled up to take advantage of it being sunny and get down the Christmas lights.  I fully intended to to a good job this year, (I got really sick last year and when I got around to it, chunked them into the shed, not bagged, not really put away.  And some were left up because I couldn't reach them without a ladder and was too sick to climb one), putting them in zip locs and into the storage container for lights.  So I brought them in, it only took about an hour to get them ALL down this year.  As I came in a few times, his mood seemed to be dropping.  After I was done with the lights, I decided there was enough light to mow the front yard, which really needed it, and did that, then came in.  He started complaining about me "smelling like outside", even though I'd changed clothes, and had a few more "dirty tasks" I wanted to do before showering.

He got angrier, telling me I was making him cough, I was being inconsiderate for not showering immediately, and then, since they'd been outside, our cats were fascinated by the lights and their storage container, and were getting into things, and yes, being cats, knocked them over.  The cats do stuff like this all the time - he ignores it, thinks it's funny, or in the odd case, freaks the hell out.  I am the one who gets up, chases them around, and gets them out of things, and tries to be consistent in what is allowed and not, using the same tone and words over and over to try to train them.  He flipped out this time.  He chased them around, deciding he was going to wack them with a belt.  He then railed at me for "sitting on my fat butt" and never taking care of them or doing anything, spending all my time falling asleep (yet all housework is done by me - not a griping point, it's something I overall have accepted, but still, I really hate being accused of doing nothing when I JUST MOWED THE LAWN), and that I needed to clean up everything in the sun, again I was making him cough (not walking home in 40 degree weather from a smokey bar), etc.

It feels like when we have good days, he needs to do this to pull away or push me away, because I can tell about like clockwork when this looks like a storm cloud will brew.  Good day?  He's gonna yell tomorrow. 

I did what I could to "not make things worse", but I think sometimes it just has to run its course

[isilme]

So, overall, I DO think things are better than when I first found this forum.  But I guess as I try to stand back and see patterns and when things get bad, I realized that it usually follows a really good period.  Like all the good gets used up and then the anger, rage, and moodiness come out to play in a big way. 

We had a wedding to go to this weekend.  I had already made it clear he did not have to go, but since we are very close to the family of the bride, best friends with her brother the last 20 years, I'd go and then make our excuses for not going to the reception.  He insisted he wanted to go, but had nothing to wear,which was true.  He has lost a lot of weight, and the suits he had were all falling off him.  Our shopping choices are very limited in our small town, and we both work, so jaunting off to buy a suit over an hour away was not really an option (I think most on here agree that pre-planning is not a BPD strong point as far as making it on time to events).  But we lucked out, and a local store had a suit in his size, even on sale, and we bought it.  He was still uncertain about going, and so Saturday, he realized he wasn't going to make the ceremony (He thought he could dry his clothes without heat in the same amount of time as with heat - so his pants were way to wet to wear).  I told him, since I was already ready, I'd do as I'd planned anyway, and go, and pick him up for the reception. Miraculously, this did not set off a rage, he asked me to text him when I was heading back for him.  He was dressed and ready - another miracle, and we drove there, and even after I got confused by some bad parking directions, he did not yell at me.  We had a nice night, and then got home, and he felt like going out to the local bar, so I went on the sleep.  A cold front came in, and of course he decided to walk home (He IS good about not drinking and driving) instead of calling me, and it aggravated the intermittent cough he has been fighting for weeks.  Overall, it was a decent day, a decent week, and rages and other nastiness was not present.

Yesterday started okay, even though it was cold, I bundled up to take advantage of it being sunny and get down the Christmas lights.  I fully intended to to a good job this year, (I got really sick last year and when I got around to it, chunked them into the shed, not bagged, not really put away.  And some were left up because I couldn't reach them without a ladder and was too sick to climb one), putting them in zip locs and into the storage container for lights.  So I brought them in, it only took about an hour to get them ALL down this year.  As I came in a few times, his mood seemed to be dropping.  After I was done with the lights, I decided there was enough light to mow the front yard, which really needed it, and did that, then came in.  He started complaining about me "smelling like outside", even though I'd changed clothes, and had a few more "dirty tasks" I wanted to do before showering.

He got angrier, telling me I was making him cough, I was being inconsiderate for not showering immediately, and then, since they'd been outside, our cats were fascinated by the lights and their storage container, and were getting into things, and yes, being cats, knocked them over.  The cats do stuff like this all the time - he ignores it, thinks it's funny, or in the odd case, freaks the hell out.  I am the one who gets up, chases them around, and gets them out of things, and tries to be consistent in what is allowed and not, using the same tone and words over and over to try to train them.  He flipped out this time.  He chased them around, deciding he was going to wack them with a belt.  He then railed at me for "sitting on my fat butt" and never taking care of them or doing anything, spending all my time falling asleep (yet all housework is done by me - not a griping point, it's something I overall have accepted, but still, I really hate being accused of doing nothing when I JUST MOWED THE LAWN), and that I needed to clean up everything in the sun, again I was making him cough (not walking home in 40 degree weather from a smokey bar), etc.

It feels like when we have good days, he needs to do this to pull away or push me away, because I can tell about like clockwork when this looks like a storm cloud will brew.  Good day?  He's gonna yell tomorrow. 

I did what I could to "not make things worse", but I think sometimes it just has to run its course

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[Chilibean13]

My H can be like this too. It's like he starts to feel himself get comfortable and then has to create some kind of drama. It sucks for us because we want to be able to fully enjoy those positive, fun times but at the same time we constantly on the look out for signs that the weather is changing. We know that happiness for them is fleeting. And like you, we can time it perfectly.

I also think it has to "run it's course." It's like the tension builds and builds and he can only take so much. He has to find a release for the tension before he can return to baseline. THe difference between the nons and pwBPD is that us nons find other less explosive ways to release. We can self regulate that tension. I know when I'm running too high and need to relax. For me that involves taking naps, reading books, or vegging out on Netflix. For my H he just keeps going, making it worse for himself, because he isn't aware of what is going on inside. He thinks more obsessing over whatever will make the tension go away. WHen I think of his inabilty to control his inner emotions, I really do feel sorry for him. He really is like a child in that way. :'(

[globalnomad]

My H can be like this too. It's like he starts to feel himself get comfortable and then has to create some kind of drama. It sucks for us because we want to be able to fully enjoy those positive, fun times but at the same time we constantly on the look out for signs that the weather is changing. We know that happiness for them is fleeting. And like you, we can time it perfectly.

I also think it has to "run it's course." It's like the tension builds and builds and he can only take so much. He has to find a release for the tension before he can return to baseline. THe difference between the nons and pwBPD is that us nons find other less explosive ways to release. We can self regulate that tension. I know when I'm running too high and need to relax. For me that involves taking naps, reading books, or vegging out on Netflix. For my H he just keeps going, making it worse for himself, because he isn't aware of what is going on inside. He thinks more obsessing over whatever will make the tension go away. WHen I think of his inabilty to control his inner emotions, I really do feel sorry for him. He really is like a child in that way. :'(

This is my experience too. The worst dysregulations I have seen in my partner have happened after long stretches of peace. Unfortunately with BPD, it appears that stability eventually breeds instability. I think you hit the nail on the head. Us nons find healthy ways to release the everyday stresses of life. Our BPD partners are not able to do this, so the tensions build up and build up until there is inevitably an explosion. This explosion comes as a surprise to us, because it seemingly comes out of nowhere.