Introduction

[kirsten_2010]

Hi, I am new here and I am an adult female child in my late 20's of a borderline mother. I have spent years on and off in therapy trying to figure out what was wrong with my family and the conflict with my mother but it's only been the last couple years that I've figured out it's BPD. My mom has been in therapy on and off for most of her adult life and it never seemed to help.  I have been reading a lot about BPD including some of the recommended books of "surviving a borderline parent" and "understanding the borderline mother" so I feel like I have gained some education about it, which is good. I'm joining this discussion board to hear from others and hoping to gain some validation about the difficulties of my experience and help with setting boundaries with her. Thank you.

[Turkish]

Hi kirsten_2010,



You've got some good background resources already. What types of issues are you currently strugglng with regarding boundaries? We're here to support you 

Turkish

[kirsten_2010]

Hi Turkish,

Thank you for the welcome, I appreciate it. One of the boundaries I primarily struggle with is visits with my mom and family and the holidays are especially hard for me to navigate with her.  For my own personal well-being, I try to visit my family only two or three times a year.  I always have a hard time after visits and come back emotionally drained and it takes me a few days to recover.  I have a hard time saying "no" directly to her when she asks me to visit because I have a hard time dealing with the consequences (which is usually manipulation, guilt trips, and her telling me what a horrible daughter I am). I have a hard time not taking these things personally and not feeling bad. So my prior strategies used to be avoidance and making up excuses such as busy with school, can't afford the cost of travel, etc. However, my circumstances have now changed and I am now in a job that gives me a lot of time off during the holidays and my job ended up moving me closer to where my mom lives and so now my previous excuses don't work as much anymore. I also am married now and have to consider my husband and his comfort level with visits.  My reactions to my mom and trying to navigate that relationship also cause conflict with my husband, especially around the holidays.  One of my biggest issues and what I need help with is not taking her negative reactions personally and not feeling like I am a bad daughter.