Did my first CBT session today

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Did my first CBT session today, been very down so compensated with two cookies and one brownie. Not a good day

[NCEA]

Did my first CBT session today, been very down so compensated with two cookies and one brownie. Not a good day

[fromheeltoheal]

Did my first CBT session today, been very down so compensated with two cookies and one brownie. Not a good day

Good move with the CBT; does it help?  Did you notice anything new or different?

[Mutt]

NCEA,

That's great that you're doing CBT. Was your first session tough?

[NCEA]

NCEA,

That's great that you're doing CBT. Was your first session tough?

I just told her part of the story (2% of it) and we couldn't really do any work. I'm not sure how good is she. She asked me 3 times "so what do you want to work on?" and I kept repeating myself (obsessive thoughts, hurt etc)

[MapleBob]

Is there an epidemic of madness due to our lifestyles? Fear of losing out, too much social media, too much TV and sex everywhere, and the world is just going crazy?

That's a bit grim, but I think that there IS a current lack of relationship accountability, and an excess of selfish behavior and poor boundary skills. Until recently, I was a teacher. They say that you first see the ills of a society in its children, and I've definitely seen an increased lack of empathy, responsibility, and focus.

You know, "Why bother being a good person? I want to find someone who is good to me." With "good to me" being defined as "lets me be unaccountable."

[Mutt]

NCEA,

That's great that you're doing CBT. Was your first session tough?

I just told her part of the story (2% of it) and we couldn't really do any work. I'm not sure how good is she. She asked me 3 times "so what do you want to work on?" and I kept repeating myself (obsessive thoughts, hurt etc)

NCEA,

Rome was not built in a day. It can be hard for some people to go to therapy. She's a professional. I would advise to trust her and let her work with you. I think that going to your first session is something to celebrate. Nice going  

[NCEA]

Rome was not built in a day. But it was burned in a day.  

I might have written this on another post but it is articles like these that blinded me when it came to my ex:

www.elephantjournal.com/2015/08/you-dont-need-a-man-you-need-a-goddamn-warrior/

"You are the strength of Turkish coffee at sunrise darlin’ and don’t try to pretend that you’re not. You are one of the wild ones, and no matter how you tried to hide that fact, you can’t be anything other than what you are—and that’s okay. You are just as you are supposed to be, magnificently wild in all of your chaotic beauty."

All this new age stuff about worrier women and sexual polarity and raging femininity... .I have it on my Facebook from different people who share this stuff.

Turkish coffee my A$$.

Most of these "wild" girls are just crazy. And because I was traveling for a long time, doing things like Burning Man and festivals and backpacking,  I've met many of them.

My real "revenge fantasy" is to sit in front of her with my "BPD map" (4 pages) filled up with all her behaviors and explain her how awful she is. And then just look at her reaction. Because when we split up I still didn't really understand anything about her and now that I do, probably more than she does understand herself, it will just blow her mind.

3 more days and the "90 days NC" period I've enforced on myself is over. In theory I could write and pretend I want to be friends again and we'd meet within weeks.

"I know you’ve had your heart broken and I know that you don’t understand why it always seems to never work out, but I’ve finally figured it out: You don’t need a man, you need a goddamn warrior."

She doesn't need a warrior. She needs a straitjacket.

[once removed]

choosing a therapist can be a process, not unlike finding the right doctor.

please keep working with her and trust her, but if you find, ultimately, that she isnt a fit, i would encourage you to search for other therapists as opposed to abandoning therapy.

regardless, congratulations on taking this huge step, and if you can, celebrate your first day. its an important milestone  

[Moselle]

determined to do the work and not fall into the pit again.

. Yes it's hard work. I'm determined too.

[Newton]

Hey NCEA I hope the CBT is as beneficial for you as it was for me... .very glad you are being so proactive with your recovery   .  A very short course of CBT caused a profound shift and impact on how I 'felt' about the most recent breakup (much more so than years of couch based 'talking' therapy)... .each to their own  

I hope you feel comfortable providing updates on how beneficial you find the CBT.  Personally... .it made a vast improvement to my perception of my situation, my feelings followed suit rather quickly    

[fromheeltoheal]

3 more days and the "90 days NC" period I've enforced on myself is over. In theory I could write and pretend I want to be friends again and we'd meet within weeks.

"I know you’ve had your heart broken and I know that you don’t understand why it always seems to never work out, but I’ve finally figured it out: You don’t need a man, you need a goddamn warrior."

She doesn't need a warrior. She needs a straitjacket.

The desire for revenge is natural and normal when we're angry, but play it all the way out.  Going at someone with a mental illness, someone who has been developing tools to deal with it their entire life, is a losing proposition, you'll lose, she'll lose, the only winner will be the disorder.  You can find a lot of examples of what happened on these boards if you want more info.

But anger is always a secondary emotion, there's something under it, usually hurt, and it's more productive to do what you need to do to burn up the energy of the anger without involving her, to work through that, and then start looking at the hurt, or look at it now if you're ambitious.  The only way out is through, and the lessons learned by going through are invaluable.

And you may be thinking 'shut up FHTH, I want to kill the btch', which is fine, I understand, but at least listen a little, there is light at the end of this tunnel and it's not a train.  Take care of you!

[NCEA]

3 more days and the "90 days NC" period I've enforced on myself is over. In theory I could write and pretend I want to be friends again and we'd meet within weeks.

"I know you’ve had your heart broken and I know that you don’t understand why it always seems to never work out, but I’ve finally figured it out: You don’t need a man, you need a goddamn warrior."

She doesn't need a warrior. She needs a straitjacket.

But anger is always a secondary emotion, there's something under it, usually hurt, and it's more productive to do what you need to do to burn up the energy of the anger without involving her, to work through that, and then start looking at the hurt, or look at it now if you're ambitious.  The only way out is through, and the lessons learned by going through are invaluable.

Look everybody... .I know exactly what my "hurt" is.

I'm Jewish. My whole family has a Jewish nose.

Me and my two siblings all had a nose job when we were teens.

My mother used to say that I'm ugly. I spent most of my teens avoiding being in profile to people so they won't see my big nose.

I was hyperactive. I was on Ritalin between 9-12 years and I was kicked out of school from a private school from the 1st grade back to public school, they didn't want to give me my report card at the end of the year. They read everybody's names alphabetically and the teacher skipped me  and told me that if I want my report card, I should take it from the secretary. (where I spent  half the year because they kicked me out from half the classes). I WAS SIX YEARS OLD and I remember it as if it was yesterday.


My mother used to tell me, when I was a kid, that she's afraid I'll end up homeless.

Fast forward to my 20s. I started a business and made my first million $ by 25, while completing a BA and MA with a 4.00 GPA and winning every award to be won. I practically retired at 32, left for a trip around the world and did more in the last 4.5 years than most people do in a lifetime, times 3. I've been and done everything, including a flight to the edge of space and  a trip to the North Pole. Most people who meet me say that I'm the most interesting man they've ever met.

And yet, due to my childhood, I feel "not enough" sometimes but probably much less than most of the population and due to the fact that I've been traveling for 4.5 years and did not stay in one place long enough to create strong bonds, a large circle of consistent friends, etc. I was living in hotels and AirBNB flats for 4.5 years. And tents. And on planes.

So all these things put together made me very vulnerable to a hit and run by a BPD. I fell in love with her and suddenly had a feeling of an "emotional home" for a few months, because at first it looked promising. A wild crazy loving girl I could grow with. Turns out she's just crazy, period.

How is that for self analysis?

Oh and as for the nose issue, I'm probably in the top 1% of attractiveness now. I'm 36 but look 28. And I've replaced the lack of self confidence with skills at pick up. I've been sexual / romantic with more than 120 girls in these passed 4.5 years.

[fromheeltoheal]

How is that for self analysis?

Very good, and I especially like how you shifted the focus from your ex to you.  The other key is to shift the focus from the past to the future.  Amazing life you've lived BTW.

Oh and as for the nose issue, I'm probably in the top 1% of attractiveness now. I'm 36 but look 28. And I've replaced the lack of self confidence with skills at pick up. I've been sexual / romantic with more than 120 girls in these passed 4.5 years.

So there's a reference that you have the skill to change an emotional state.  How can you use that skill to deal with your current anger?  What else can you make it mean?

[once removed]

How is that for self analysis?

its very impressive NCEA, thank you for sharing. frankly my heart breaks for what you experienced in your childhood. how invalidating, how isolating. your success in life is a testament to you.

im glad youve connected the dots, too, because i think you have your answer. it often occurs to me that those of us here on this board have more in common with each other than any of our exes do.

simply put: do you think that you are emotionally available to healthy, intimate relationships?

when it comes to your skills and success with women, you say it yourself, they are coping skills for a lack of confidence, for a feeling of being "not enough" (which was wrongfully reinforced for a great deal of your life). this can certainly lend itself to romantic success; i picked up a lot of avoidant attachment skills and i did have greater success in some areas, only to land (and stay) in a disordered relationship. i was not emotionally available to a healthy, truly intimate relationship.

[Newton]

NCEA... it sounds like you were surrounded by emotional bullies in your formative years... .I have that t-shirt   and I didn't choose to wear it... . others dressed me back then.

As a result of feeling so physically and emotionally bullied and vulnerable I chose, as a young child, rather than joining the football team... .to immerse myself in learning how to kick ass rather efficiently with minimal effort.  I went on to make a career with that skill set by protecting 'vulnerable' people (who often had vast disposable income... .hence required protection)... .Codependents often choose caring professions... .no coincidence!

A consequence of deciding to seek help for various mental health issues was having my IQ (amongst other things) tested... .I was rather pleased with the results.  None of this 'success' has anything to do with my 'EQ'... .which was totally stunted and made me a perfect candidate for people suffering from BPD.

So I could wade into a 5 man brawl feeling rather comfortable with that  ... .yet I would start physically sweating when I parked my car at my home and saw a light on which meant 'she' was home and I'd have to deal with a potential rage from my BPD gf... ... ..So you can make great business decisions... .and yet it seems your decision making skills of partners isn't so clued up... .

In reference to your initial post... and responses... .I think the 'official' stats re:cluster B traits in the populous are WAY off... .surely they are only relevant to those who present themselves to clinicians... .with a diagnosis.

I've trained many door staff (bouncers)... .over the years.  My pep talk for each shift started the same way, along the lines of ... ."We have 2000 people in the club tonight... .a certain percentage of those are really not very well in the head... .they are the people you will end up having to 'deal' with tonight, add drug dependency/abuse and you have a potential powder keg... .do NOT react with your emotions".  

Easy to say... .bloody hard to do.