Diagnosis + Treatment
The Big Picture
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? [ Video ]
Five Dimensions of Human Personality
Think It's BPD but How Can I Know?
DSM Criteria for Personality Disorders
Treatment of BPD [ Video ]
Getting a Loved One Into Therapy
Top 50 Questions Members Ask
Home page
Forum
List of discussion groups
Making a first post
Find last post
Discussion group guidelines
Tips
Romantic relationship in or near breakup
Child (adult or adolescent) with BPD
Sibling or Parent with BPD
Boyfriend/Girlfriend with BPD
Partner or Spouse with BPD
Surviving a Failed Romantic Relationship
Tools
Wisemind
Ending conflict (3 minute lesson)
Listen with Empathy
Don't Be Invalidating
Setting boundaries
On-line CBT
Book reviews
Member workshops
About
Mission and Purpose
Website Policies
Membership Eligibility
Please Donate
May 02, 2025, 10:43:22 AM
Welcome,
Guest
. Please
login
or
register
.
1 Hour
5 Hours
1 Day
1 Week
Forever
Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins:
Kells76
,
Once Removed
,
Turkish
Senior Ambassadors:
EyesUp
,
SinisterComplex
Help!
Boards
Please Donate
Login to Post
New?--Click here to register
How would a child understand?
Shame, a Powerful, Painful and Potentially Dangerous Emotion
Was Part of Your Childhood Deprived by Emotional Incest?
Have Your Parents Put You at Risk for Psychopathology
Resentment: Maybe She Was Doing the...
91
BPDFamily.com
>
Children, Parents, or Relatives with BPD
>
Parent, Sibling, or In-law Suffering from BPD
> Topic:
Had a baby
Pages: [
1
]
Go Down
« previous
next »
Print
Author
Topic: Had a baby (Read 619 times)
Aerials
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 47
Had a baby
«
on:
December 31, 2015, 09:51:15 AM »
It has been almost two years since I went NC with BPD mother due to her abusive ranting in emails before my wedding when she realized she would need to share visit time with other family members before the event. We ended up not inviting her and sent her a short email that we hope she gets help for her BPD, but until then, we cannot have communication with her. She later sent an email about visiting us (in many states away) or for me to visit her and choose a psychiatrist, but right before the wedding, this seemed less of a sincere acknowledgement of her lifelong abusive behavior and more of an attention-seeking time-suck that would help her look like the hero for bringing me to a psychiatrist. My email specifically stated that she, not we, needed to seek cognitive behavior therapy.
I had a baby two weeks ago. My husband and I are thrilled! Of course, we are also really exhausted and even now I am squeezing this post in between feedings during a quick nap she's taking. I just got a text from my mother that "whatever happened... .happened... .I want to see my precious grandchild." Again, no responsibility for those disgusting emails where she insulted us and my husband's family for pages and pages, and of course no responsibility for being an abusive daughter, sister, wife, mother. Each day I spend with my baby, I realize how disgusting her behavior was: lying to my dad that I was his child when I had a different father, screaming at me and my dad, using war terms ("I am your only ally" to describe family relationships. I do not see any place for her in our lives, and I have not missed her. I guess I am posting to just admit that rather than posing a specific question. I wish I had a mother to miss, but this is the way it is, and I have managed to create an awesome life with an amazing husband and now beautiful healthy girl and when I am not on mat leave, a fulfilling career working with elementary school student, not because of her but despite her. Feeding time is approaching.
Logged
Notwendy
Online
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 11456
Re: Had a baby
«
Reply #1 on:
December 31, 2015, 10:18:58 AM »
Congratulations on the baby!
First, take care of yourself. You are post partum, hormonal, and tired. If you don't feel you wish to respond, then don't. If you feel that this would escalate things- to not respond, then a short text back saying you can't talk at the moment, would like to think about this is sufficient.
I was not NC with my parents and BPD mom so they did visit when I had children. Mom was not helpful in terms of cooking or domestic things- not her style, but both my parents were willing to help by running errands, going to get something at the store, or bringing food in and I was appreciative. My father also enjoyed being with my kids, and he and my mother were a pairs- so time with him had to include her. My kids loved their grampa and it was worth it to have them have a relationship with my parents for that. However, I think it would have been more difficult to just have my mother visit.
Since many of my mothers' peers and family were grandparents, the role of "grandma" was an identity for my mother and so she was very motivated to hold it together when they visited. I did not leave her alone with the kids, and she knew that if she acted up, that would be that. She was actually OK when they were little, and dad was with her all the time. It was when they became teens that things got stranger since she was able to be more of "herself" with older kids.
It is up to you to decide what to do, either keep her out for good, or give her limited visiting contingent on the boundary that she behave herself with them. This can change, as it did with my kids. They never witnessed the kind of behavior that I did as a child. Moreso it was manipulation and poor boundaries as they got older. One example is asking them about dating and being a bit too invasive with the questions. The other is taking them aside and telling them stories ( some made up ) about me. A recent one is talking about who I dated with them, but I am not sure who she is talking about because so much was fiction and I've been married for decades. The kids are aware of her issues, and thankfully they are not as affected by her behavior as I was. One thing that concerns me is setting an example- one of kindness to parents and strong boundaries- which appear less than kind but it really is for the best to have boundaries. It makes me sad that I do this, but it is what it is. I don't see her as a typical mother to me.
I guess my main point is that the choice is up to you, and even later. What you choose now can possibly change. You are your child's mother and so can make the best decision for your child at any time.
And, the best decision for your child is the one that allows you the most peace and sanity
I later had to limit contact with my parents because it was upsetting me, and I needed to be my best for my kids.
Also, any decision is best made when you are rested, calm and peaceful. Take as much time as you can with your new baby and take care of you first. I recall being way too tired as well as just wanting to relish the joy of a new addition- as a family- without that drama. Take the time that you need- and no decision needs to be made until you are ready!
Logged
Turkish
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned by SO in Feb 2014; Mother with BPD, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety: RIP in 2021.
Posts: 12183
Dad to my wolf pack
Re: Had a baby
«
Reply #2 on:
December 31, 2015, 11:00:04 PM »
Congratulations to you and your husband on your baby!
I'm sure it does feel sad not to have a grandma there to help, and also with whom to share. Do what you feel is right to protect your little family, as they are your primary family now.
Busy times, but joyous ones, and the milestones pass quickly. I'm smiling for you just thinking that these times were not too distant for me with D3 and S5
Logged
“For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
Aerials
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 47
Re: Had a baby
«
Reply #3 on:
January 10, 2016, 09:43:44 AM »
Thank you, NotWendy and Turkish, for your thoughtful replies. I am always still surprised when I read about other parents with BPD at the similarities. My mother would also love to be a grandma for a baby. She would be appropriate for now because she would love to shower a baby girl with bows and dresses, as if she is playing dress-up with dolls. She also would not be help in any way as she identifies as a person who does not cook, as if she is above it. But babies grow up, and I also know that she would not be able to maintain a healthy relationship with an older child in the future. She would at best be cold and distant and at worst inappropriate or divisive, trying to portray herself as the victim of the family, abused by her parents, my dad, her ex-husbands, siblings, me- basically, everyone who has ever had any kind of relationship with her.
My last email to her said that my husband and I would no longer have contact with her until she went through cognitive behavioral therapy for BPD. She has not shown any indication of that. It also makes me sad to have to send an email like that and discuss with my husband how we will eventually explain her existence to our daughter, but I also cannot even imagine her walking into our apartment and holding our baby right now after everything she has said and done. Thank you again for sharing your experiences.
Logged
hope2727
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1210
Re: Had a baby
«
Reply #4 on:
January 10, 2016, 10:01:54 AM »
Congratulations on you wonderful baby girl! I am so happy for you.
I do not have children but 2 of my siblings do. I am total NC with my father for over 15 years. It is so peaceful. I watch my nieces and nephews and how their contact with my father impacts them. It is NOT good. The ones who live farther away are less affected but even they bear the scars of you will.
It is really sad to see from the outside with time, distance and clarity how manipulative and abusive the coercive behaviour my father consistently exhibits is. He is 88 years old now. 88 years old and totally unchanged. The only difference is he is less physically able to drive himself to rage or play his 'practical jokes' or show up unannounced. He is frail and somewhat limited in his travel without a licence yet I bet he still drives when no one is looking. It should be noted with 15 years of no contact he still calls my house at least once a week (usually in the middle of the night). He called last night. I didn't pick up as usual. I suspect he will call again tonight. He has no extinction burst.
He has NO self insight. He never will. He will be himself until he is in the grave and even then I fully expect a nasty attack in the will. I want nothing from him. I want none of the money, land etc. I want only to be left in peace. But he will leave me some horrible nasty property to dispose of or something. They always sweep the harm they did away and leave one last dig at us behind.
I would understand anything you choose to do but I know if it was me I would do anything to keep my child away from my father. Children do not understand when promises are broken, harsh words are said, cheeks are pinched to hard etc. We are responsible for teaching them that they can set boundaries. We are responsible for teaching them to respect other peoples boundaries. But my father can't do either and my nieces and nephews are confused, frustrated and hurt by that.
I hope you figure out what to do. PM me anytime if it helps. Congratulations again and many hugs to you and your beautiful family.
Logged
Notwendy
Online
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 11456
Re: Had a baby
«
Reply #5 on:
January 11, 2016, 05:24:48 AM »
What to say to your child and how to say it is much like any other information that takes maturity- facts of life, dating, relationships, current events. I've always felt strange discussing my mother to my children. On one hand, I didn't want to encourage disrespect for parents, and on the other, I wanted to be honest, to tell the truth, especially growing up in a family that denied my mother's condition and mostly forbid me to talk about it.
I can't say I did this well all the time, but in a way, the situation just unfolded itself as the kids got older. They became aware that they felt strange around grandma or noticed her behavior was odd at time. It was at these times that I began to reinforce their feelings, their boundaries. I was especially sensitive to this because this is the time when I was told that my feelings were not accurate which led to me having poor boundaries.
When I do talk about my mother though, I am careful to do it in context of me, not her. I want to role model how I cope, rather than focus on her. I began attending ACOA groups and working on co-dependency and I don't hide this fact from my kids. What I say is that, yes, my mother is mentally ill, and I grew up learning behaviors that don't work for me now. I am trying to learn new ones. I want to model to them that there isn't shame and secrecy about taking steps to get help if anyone needs it. However, the kids were teens before I began to discuss her mental health in that context, but by then, they were aware of mental health issues from news, school, people they knew.
For families with a dysfunctional family member, there is the person with BPD, and then, there is how the family reacted to that. To me, the family secrecy, shame, and denial was a form of dysfunction in itself. This is the pattern I wanted to change.
You will do this too, over time. Right now, you have a baby, so enjoy! As that baby grows and asks questions, the discussion will unfold.
Logged
Kwamina
Retired Staff
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 3544
Re: Had a baby
«
Reply #6 on:
January 13, 2016, 08:16:59 AM »
Hi Aerials
Congratulations on the baby! That's wonderful news
It's very sad and unfortunate that your mother behaves the way she does. It is what it is though and her behavior stems from her disordered mind which causes her to have distorted thinking.
Boundaries are for protecting yourself and I understand why you have taken steps to create some distance between you and your mom. No matter how you move forward with your relationship with your mother, being mindful of your own needs and well-being is very important.
Have fun with your baby girl
Logged
Oh, give me liberty! For even were paradise my prison, still I should long to leap the crystal walls.
Please help
Offline
Posts: 270
Re: Had a baby
«
Reply #7 on:
January 13, 2016, 08:56:22 AM »
Congrats on the baby and for breaking the cycle of insanity. I too just had a baby and broke NC with my F to let him know. My M is not in picture. I sent him a pic and it's been about three weeks.
He called me asking when he could see baby but was more concerned with finding out if I could check on outstanding warrants for people.
He then went on to tell me I am an a**hole for not communicating with my family. I felt like saying what about him not talking to me for 20+ years.
Somehow we are not seen as children but were labeled as people that could help these BPD's. I think the T's would call this enablers. I do notice they treat non-enablers a bit more like children and us as doormats who they simply scam and use.
My point is you should keep her out of your life. I felt guilty with myself for breaking NC. Kind of like cheating on a diet I guess. After a few brief phone calls getting updated on the insanity of everyone he knows , dropping insults at me while building himself up as a bigshot in business, I have to spend hours on this forum to get my head back together.
I can assure you , nothing has changed. It's going to be your M using your child to hurt you and feed her own emotional drama.
I am looking at my baby while writing this and realize his Gfather will never take him fishing , show him how to build stuff , give him money , etc. I contacted him on the off chance he had changed as I owed it to my son. I did not want to deprive him of a gfather.
My advice - PROTECT YOUR BABY AND KEEP THIS WOMAN THE HELL AWAY !
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?
Pages: [
1
]
Go Up
Print
BPDFamily.com
>
Children, Parents, or Relatives with BPD
>
Parent, Sibling, or In-law Suffering from BPD
> Topic:
Had a baby
« previous
next »
Jump to:
Please select a destination:
-----------------------------
Help Desk
-----------------------------
===> Open board
-----------------------------
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
-----------------------------
=> Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup
=> Romantic Relationship | Conflicted About Continuing, Divorcing/Custody, Co-parenting
=> Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship
-----------------------------
Children, Parents, or Relatives with BPD
-----------------------------
=> Son, Daughter or Son/Daughter In-law with BPD
=> Parent, Sibling, or In-law Suffering from BPD
-----------------------------
Community Built Knowledge Base
-----------------------------
=> Library: Psychology questions and answers
=> Library: Tools and skills workshops
=> Library: Book Club, previews and discussions
=> Library: Video, audio, and pdfs
=> Library: Content to critique for possible feature articles
=> Library: BPDFamily research surveys
Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife
Loading...