Ugh my girlfriend

[dexman]

I'll try to keep it short.  I have been with my girlfriend for 3 years.  We did not start our relationship in the best situation.  We were both married.  Early in the relationship she was overly flirtatious with other men and I had suspicions of her fooling around with other people.  When I would bring up the behaviors she would just dismiss them as she was having fun when we go out and that she only wanted me.  She would apologize and say she wouldn't do them but she would.  This lack of trust made it hard for me to see how this person could go from being what seemed absolutely in love with me to not even acknowledging I was around. 

She pushed hard to start a new life with me to move in and act like we were married, however didn't want anyone to know that we were together.  When she did move in she was always gone to have a drink with other people and didn't want to be around me.  She eventually moved to another state for a job she said would help her career.  We have been doing the long distance thing for a while and I has worked for the most part but we have been fighting a lot lately.  I finally got my the divorce finalized 6 months ago but we have been fighting lately.  I have been trying to change the things that I do that she doesn't like and she would tell me how she is always scared and alone, from which I took that we needed to be closer together.  I would ask her what her plan was in 2 years when she is done with work, if she was going to stay in the other state and she would say she didn't have a plan and that I was pressuring her to much. 

Recently it has now come to the point where she says she is upset and in a dark place.  That the reason she left in the first place was that she knew I wasn't going to get the divorce and that it took so long for me to do it.  She said she needed time and space to sort through her emotions.  She said that she wasn't ready for me to be out of her life yet but wouldn't tell me what space and time meant.  Now she isn't talking to me and I have tried to respect her space by limiting the amount of contact I have with her because it just turns into a fight.  She will not tell me if she is wanting to break up and I don't want to either but we don't communicate at all now.  I have been trying to read the lessons on here and I have realized that a lot of the communication problems are on me too.  Everyone I know tells me she is no good for me but it is hard to let go.  Any ideas or questions would be greatly appreciated. 

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[livednlearned]

Hi dexman,

It's confusing when the person we love tells us they want us, and they also want to be apart. 

This article about why we struggle in our relationship made a lot of sense to me, especially helping to explain what drives the push/pull in a BPD relationship.

When is the last time you both communicated, and how did it go?

LnL

[dexman]

I texted her telling her that it is not ok to treat me the way that she has and she said that I have been supportive and she was very thankful.  I told her about this site but I don't think she is open to looking at it. But the last time that we talked on the phone was New Year's Eve in which she just screamed at the phone and I couldn't even say anything with out her twisting it and interrupting me. The last text I sent asking her is she felt like she was at a point where she felt we could talk. She said "Honestly probably not. I have had the worst three weeks at work. I am so stressed and I am not in a place to deal with anything other than waking up". I just sent her a reply stating "I understand how you feel" for which she replied "no. You don't". So my final reply was "I don't know how you feel and I'm sorry. I do understand how you can feel that way and how you feel is ok."  Thank you I will look at the link. Direction is always the hardest when you don't know the way.