My father fell and I want to reach out to my ex Stop me

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My 90 year old dad had a fall. Thank God nothing is broken but I am wanting to lean on my ex. We've been no contact over 60 days! I know it wouldn't be good! He used and abused me, and my dad fell in September and he knew about it . That was when we were just breaking up and he wasn't there for me at all. My dad never trusted him. And my dad loves everyone! He saw through his games . I don't know why I think I need my ex. He didn't even give me closure and was cheating on me, cruel and abusive to me. How can I even entertain wanting to reach out to that low life. He really turned out to be the worse person I've ever met let alone date. How can part of me think to contact him. It's a fool's errand . Nothing good can happen . And at least right now as things stand I have my power back. If I email him and he doesn't respond that would make me feel worse I know it.

[Itstopsnow]

My 90 year old dad had a fall. Thank God nothing is broken but I am wanting to lean on my ex. We've been no contact over 60 days! I know it wouldn't be good! He used and abused me, and my dad fell in September and he knew about it . That was when we were just breaking up and he wasn't there for me at all. My dad never trusted him. And my dad loves everyone! He saw through his games . I don't know why I think I need my ex. He didn't even give me closure and was cheating on me, cruel and abusive to me. How can I even entertain wanting to reach out to that low life. He really turned out to be the worse person I've ever met let alone date. How can part of me think to contact him. It's a fool's errand . Nothing good can happen . And at least right now as things stand I have my power back. If I email him and he doesn't respond that would make me feel worse I know it.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Itstopsnow, It sounds like you are trying to convince yourself not to do something that deep down you want to do: reach out to your Ex.  You have listed a number of reasons why reaching out is probably a bad idea, yet I get the feeling that nonetheless you have a strong urge to get in contact with him.  What is that all about?  Suggest you sit with your feelings and just observe, without the need to do anything.  Why do you think you are having such strong feelings about him?  Is it really about him, or something deeper?  It's your task to figure it out, which only you can do.

LuckyJim

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Options:

1)  You reach out to him.  You feel bad.    

2)  You don't reach out to him.  You feel bad.  

Either way you feel bad.  So since that is inevitable, which "feeling bad" option is better for you in the long run?   Which option better aligns with the person you want to be?  Which option affirms you?  Which option nourishes you?  Which option takes care of you?  Which option loves you?  Which option trusts you?  

[Knight]

Don't do it !

You know better.  Please don't reach out to him

[Confused?]

Let me tell you a story. My ex replaced me a little over a year  and a half into our relationship. That ended about a month into it and we got back together. I didn't see any changes in her behavior when we got back together. We lasted about three months until a very similar thing started happening. She became distant again and started the push pull behavior. Well my grandma died around my birthday. I reached out to my ex and basically begged to see her. I felt so empty and alone and just thought I needed her so badly. She agreed to see me after begging so I drove about an hour to see her after the funeral. When I saw her she seemed distant. I told her to tell me the truth about this guy i noticed popping up lately. I told her if she wanted to be with him fine. If she is seeing him and still wants me in her life then get rid of him. She assured me he was "a friend". Two weeks later they are dating officially and I am left in complete shambles. Looking back on it I can see she was never there when I needed her most. I have had family issues, deaths, and personal issues and she somehow always made it about her. That is not someone I want in my life

[Itstopsnow]

Thank you all. I really need to hear these things. I don't want to lose my dignity once again to this unavailable person. I agree he was never there for me when I really needed him. Which kills me because I was there for him everyday! Also I don't know lucky Jim, maybe part of me still wants to talk to him. To see where he's at in his mind. Also to be as close as we were with all our trips and deep connection. He was with me 24/7. To get no closure or explanation . I'm still reeling from that, when I know what he says wouldn't change what he did. I can't believe my pain is still so raw . He wasn't a good boyfriend . It was an illusion! Why am I missing scraps from a guy who only loves himself.

[once removed]

Why am I missing scraps from a guy who only loves himself.

because your father falling is scary and painful for you and youre feeling vulnerable, itstopsnow. im really sorry to hear about that  . i think its normal to want to reach out as a result of all of that and feeling vulnerable. im glad you chose us to reach out to. were here for you  .

[JaneStorm]

There is nothing so bad that a BPDex won't make so much worse.

[Lucky Jim]

He wasn't a good boyfriend . It was an illusion! Why am I missing scraps from a guy who only loves himself.

Hello again, Itstopsnow, That's the right question and it's your task to find out the answer.  I'm not suggesting that you contact him in order to find out.  That's up to you.  What I am suggesting is that you take a hard look at yourself and figure out what is causing these feelings, which I suspect are not entirely due to him, but also to someone else or some other painful events in in your past.  Worth thinking about it, because within the answer lies your freedom and happiness, in my view.

LuckyJim

[Itstopsnow]

Hi Luckyjim,

I do realize he has a lot to do with my mother. She died in my arms when I was 18 . Three weeks before my senior prom. My mom had a lot of mood swings, and anger issues at times but other times very loving and protecting. I guess the situation with my ex felt familiar . But my mom didn't hurt me the ways he did. I do understand that. Parts of my ex were wonderful and loved him dearly, but now I see that those parts that were so great he was doing the same things with other girls too. I wasn't something special. And he will eventually treat them terribly at times too. It was so hard with my ex because he uses religion to make himself seem sincere and trust worthy. He didn't drink ever which was great bc I don't really like to drink. He never talked down to me about my body or appearance . He always made me feel like I was so beautiful . Out of his league he would say. But then I see he was cheating on me all the time. My faith is so important to me, he acted as if I would never find a guy that prayed like him with me. He was the biggest hypocrite and disappointment in my life. I'm not only crushed by his betrayal but by the fact that he wasn't even the type of guy who he portrayed to be. And still I can't fully hate him. Which is good I don't want to hate. I just want to forget him. He screwed up my head in so many areas . I never imagined him being a former priest could do such cruel things to women and objectify them like that. He used his family too. To bail him out of trouble and help him. He was a taker . I should be happy to be free. But I'm still hurting bc my love for him was so deep. We packed a 5 year relationship into 18 months. Over 3k pictures of all our vacations . And he told many hurtful lies about me at the end which weren't even based in truth. I stayed too long with the emotional abuse. But that didn't happen all the time. Just periodically . The other half he seemed totally invested in us. It's just so twisted what they are willing to do and how they are willing to compromise any sort of integrity they could have just to make sure they are never without a person to be with . They can't tolerant one night alone with themselves . How sad is that.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Itstopsnow,

Give yourself credit for making the connection with your mother.     Great work!   

I'm so sorry you lost your mother at such a young age.  I'm guessing, and this is just a guess, that you may have submerged some feelings back then.  If so, perhaps you have more grieving to do.

Now that you know one reason why you are "missing scraps from a guy who only loves himself," you are in a position to heal and make positive  changes.  Part of the journey towards authenticity, in my view, is learning to love and accept oneself.  The goal, in my view (and this is just my personal view), is to get to a place where you care enough about yourself that you are unwilling to ever again allow yourself to be the object of someone else's abuse.  That's the bottom line, for me.

LuckyJim