I'm new and need support

[bdyw8]

Hi all, I just joined here.  I'm in the grips of trying to get away from my ex-girlfriend of 4 years that has BPD.  The relationship ended 4 months ago.  I asked her to not contact me and I blocked her on my phone, social media, etc. 

She started coming by my home 3 weeks after and even was waiting for me in the backyard one day because I wasn't answering the door when she came to the front.  After almost getting sucked back in, I asked her again to leave me alone and not come by. 

Just before christmas she came back with apologies and saying she knew what she was doing wrong and she would change.  Being depressed at the time and missing her, I let her back in and she seduced me with sex and I agreed to try the relationship again.  After 3 or 4 days of being totally different (the way I remember her from the first year or so of our relationship), we slipped back into the same patterns and one day after telling me she wanted to be my wife and be with me forever, she dumped me again.  That was two weeks ago.

She hasn't tried to contact me as I again blocked her but she saw me on a dating website and tried to flaunt her profile to show me that she was out looking for a new man.  This made me incredibly hurt and jealous.  I immediately deleted my account from that site.  I'm so devastated right now.  I was making progress before Christmas until she showed up again and I let her back in.  I feel like I don't have it in me to go through this break-up again and I'm so scared she will come back and try to draw me in again.  I feel like I can't live with the pain anymore and all the doubts and confusion regarding my feelings for this person that so badly abused me... .HELP!   

[Itstopsnow]

Hi BDYW8,

Hang in there! It must be devastating for you! 4 year and then to have her come back to do it again. Please try and remember she is a borderline... This is pretty much text book behavior and not personally about you or any short comings you may be feeling. I loved my ex so much I would of done anything for him. And towards the end he was acting out so bad! I was just walking on eggshells! I wanted to keep him any way I could. But they aren't well. Stay NC! Don't let her in anymore! Take it one day at a time! Read All you can on BPD. Journal, go to the gym, go to a movie, I started a new series on Netflix, do whatever you can to get through the days snd nights. One step at a time! In a little bit you'll calm down. Right now you're coming off a high and low. It's like an addiction. You feel desperate for her. But it's not real. It's just your nervous system is all screwed up. Go for a massage, acupuncture or something holistic for your body, know that you are whole and safe on your own. And realize we all have been there. It's nothing you did or didn't do. This is who and what the disorder is all about.

[Rmbrworst]

I think most of us here know the extreme pain of letting your exBPD back in, only moments later to have the whole world collapse from underneath you . . . AGAIN!   

Putting the pain into words is impossible, and I know how much you're hurting.

It sounds like this happened very recently, so just go through those bad feelings if you need to.  Grieve the loss if you need to.

But when you start feeling better, remember that you do not deserve this.  You are better than this, you are worthy of real love and real commitment. 

What's helping me is to remember (as the poster above said) . . . sadly . . . they are sick.  Even sadder still . . . there's nothing you can do.   They can get into treatment if they want, but many wont . . . and it's not your job to go down with the ship. 

Stay strong.  I hope you find the support here that you need. 

Would you be willing to go to therapy?  Try to find someone who knows this disorder well, so they can help you move on.

Much love, my heart goes out to you

[bdyw8]

Thanks so much Itstopsnow and Rmbrworst - I love those user names by the way, I should have come up with something better!

I always felt I was moving in the right direction until I saw her on that dating website.  She said all these "noble" things to me about how she couldn't date anyone right away because she had only wanted to be with me, etc. etc.

I'm feeling right now that EVERYTHING she ever said to me was bull and I feel so STUPID for buying in.  I always thought I was a smart guy and could get a good read on people, but man, did she ever do a number on me.  

I have been going to counselling and I'm about to see a new counsellor this week to try EMDR.  See if that helps with all my PTSD from this relationship.  I wake up sweating and screaming many nights after dreaming of all the times I begged her to stop being so mean and ask her where the woman I fell in love went... . 

As a recovering addict/alcoholic, I almost relapsed several times because of this relationship and was standing on a bridge more than once.  She lives a block away from me and it's so hard to have to drive by her street 4 times a day.  I'm holding to the NC and PRAYING that she respects it this time, or perhaps I will get a restraining order to save myself any more emotional trauma - I really don't want to have to check into the psych ward, or worse... .

Thanks guys for your support.  It means a lot!

[Rmbrworst]

My exBPD also said those same "noble things".  Just thinking about it makes me so upset.

"I need to be alone.  I'm still processing the break up with my ex and it's not fair to either of us to put us through this."  etc etc etc . . .

It's all bull.  They never broke up.  They were together the full 6 months I dated him.

I forgot to delete his comedy page on Facebook from my likes, and I saw a post for a Valentine show he's doing.

Guess who's coming?

The "ex boyfriend" he's no longer with . . . uh huh.  Ya sure buddy.  

Sometimes I wonder if I have PTSD from this relationship as well . . . I need to talk to my therapist about it but she had to cancel and I'm in between insurance.  This couldn't happen at a worse time!

Much love.  I know the exact pain you're feeling.

It's so damn weird how everyone's story is SO SIMILAR!

[LostInMemories]

Wow... So similar! Especially the noble things like: I'm diffrent than all those ppl nowadays, I won't be able to start a new relationship after a recent breakup, I will never cheat on you, or leave you. All BS lies... .I can totally relate buddy, and I know how hard it is. The whole relationship feels like a lie. The only thing I can say is keep you head up, you can do it! Theres ppl on this earth that actually love you, and will give you real commitment and affection.

Much love, and stay strong! If you ever need support or just want confirmation from someone who has Experienced something similar, im here, for anyone

[GoingBack2OC]

Wow... So similar! Especially the noble things like: I'm diffrent than all those ppl nowadays, I won't be able to start a new relationship after a recent breakup, I will never cheat on you, or leave you. All BS lies... .I can totally relate buddy, and I know how hard it is. The whole relationship feels like a lie. The only thing I can say is keep you head up, you can do it! Theres ppl on this earth that actually love you, and will give you real commitment and affection.

Much love, and stay strong! If you ever need support or just want confirmation from someone who has Experienced something similar, im here, for anyone

It really is a trip how different people are isnt it?  Me personally; I have always been the dumper. This last one, my exBPDgf... .she dumped me.

But even when I dumped (2 other long term relationships). I didnt date, or even think of dating for a long time. I think after girl one I was single/didnt date at all for a year or so. Girl 2: I think 8 or 9 months.

I'm heartbroken right now. I couldnt even think of dating. I think I'd be a mess, and wouldnt want to hurt a girl by trying to date or fall in love. Im just not there.

But my 2nd girlfriend, the one I dumped, and I didnt date for 8-9 months. I heard later she was online dating and going out within 2 weeks.

Its bizarre to me; to be able to be so close, intimate, and love someone, so deeply, and then just be able to kiss, hold hands, or be intimate with another person. For me it just takes a damn long time to get into a place where I can let that in.

But different strokes for different folks. I wish I could heal faster... .or actually I dont. I like who I am, and I have no problem with the fact that honestly; I love deeply, and don't get over the loss of that quickly. I question how one could.

[LostInMemories]

Wow... So similar! Especially the noble things like: I'm diffrent than all those ppl nowadays, I won't be able to start a new relationship after a recent breakup, I will never cheat on you, or leave you. All BS lies... .I can totally relate buddy, and I know how hard it is. The whole relationship feels like a lie. The only thing I can say is keep you head up, you can do it! Theres ppl on this earth that actually love you, and will give you real commitment and affection.

Much love, and stay strong! If you ever need support or just want confirmation from someone who has Experienced something similar, im here, for anyone

It really is a trip how different people are isnt it?  Me personally; I have always been the dumper. This last one, my exBPDgf... .she dumped me.

But even when I dumped (2 other long term relationships). I didnt date, or even think of dating for a long time. I think after girl one I was single/didnt date at all for a year or so. Girl 2: I think 8 or 9 months.

I'm heartbroken right now. I couldnt even think of dating. I think I'd be a mess, and wouldnt want to hurt a girl by trying to date or fall in love. Im just not there.

But my 2nd girlfriend, the one I dumped, and I didnt date for 8-9 months. I heard later she was online dating and going out within 2 weeks.

Its bizarre to me; to be able to be so close, intimate, and love someone, so deeply, and then just be able to kiss, hold hands, or be intimate with another person. For me it just takes a damn long time to get into a place where I can let that in.

But different strokes for different folks. I wish I could heal faster... .or actually I dont. I like who I am, and I have no problem with the fact that honestly; I love deeply, and don't get over the loss of that quickly. I question how one could.

Exactly! I would never be able to be any kind of imtimate, or even thinking about it shortly after a breakup. I dont get how ppl

just 'jump' from the one person to another so soon. And i think no healthy person can do that. It wouldnt feel right, even if it was your desicion to break up. Its been a year now since my ex dumped me and i can't even think about being intimate with someone else yet! That might be an extreme case, but 4 months or so at least seem pretty normal to me. Also it shows a little respect to your ex partner, to wait a few months before starting anything with anyone else. I think its highly distespectful to do that weeks or sometimes even days after a breakup. Yet again, with all respect, borderline people are not healthy, so that probably explains why it happens so often

[GoingBack2OC]

Wow... So similar! Especially the noble things like: I'm diffrent than all those ppl nowadays, I won't be able to start a new relationship after a recent breakup, I will never cheat on you, or leave you. All BS lies... .I can totally relate buddy, and I know how hard it is. The whole relationship feels like a lie. The only thing I can say is keep you head up, you can do it! Theres ppl on this earth that actually love you, and will give you real commitment and affection.

Much love, and stay strong! If you ever need support or just want confirmation from someone who has Experienced something similar, im here, for anyone

It really is a trip how different people are isnt it?  Me personally; I have always been the dumper. This last one, my exBPDgf... .she dumped me.

But even when I dumped (2 other long term relationships). I didnt date, or even think of dating for a long time. I think after girl one I was single/didnt date at all for a year or so. Girl 2: I think 8 or 9 months.

I'm heartbroken right now. I couldnt even think of dating. I think I'd be a mess, and wouldnt want to hurt a girl by trying to date or fall in love. Im just not there.

But my 2nd girlfriend, the one I dumped, and I didnt date for 8-9 months. I heard later she was online dating and going out within 2 weeks.

Its bizarre to me; to be able to be so close, intimate, and love someone, so deeply, and then just be able to kiss, hold hands, or be intimate with another person. For me it just takes a damn long time to get into a place where I can let that in.

But different strokes for different folks. I wish I could heal faster... .or actually I dont. I like who I am, and I have no problem with the fact that honestly; I love deeply, and don't get over the loss of that quickly. I question how one could.

Exactly! I would never be able to be any kind of imtimate, or even thinking about it shortly after a breakup. I dont get how ppl

just 'jump' from the one person to another so soon. And i think no healthy person can do that. It wouldnt feel right, even if it was your desicion to break up. Its been a year now since my ex dumped me and i can't even think about being intimate with someone else yet! That might be an extreme case, but 4 months or so at least seem pretty normal to me. Also it shows a little respect to your ex partner, to wait a few months before starting anything with anyone else. I think its highly distespectful to do that weeks or sometimes even days after a breakup. Yet again, with all respect, borderline people are not healthy, so that probably explains why it happens so often

I can say with 100% confidence that the most productive times of my life; where I grew as a person, spiritually, professionally, where I upped my game, started my business, improved my fitness, etc- everything. The periods of "rapid growth" were the years I was single.

I dont know what it is. But sometimes, being alone, as wonderful as it is having that one and only, can be a rewarding thing too. Use the time to make yourself the person you want to be; and then you will find someone who is more in line with "who you will be" and not "who you always wished you could have been".

[Rmbrworst]

I've always been the dumper too, and I've always been good at it.   I've let people go, but when I did, I reassured them that I cared for them, and I would help them through the break up.  It's what you call "amicable".  I still love all of my ex boyfriends, and most of them I am amazing friends with to this very day.

To be dumped . . . and completely ignored and discarded . . . when I gave so much.  Sacrificed everything I could to make him happy . . . and he wont even speak to me. 

It hurts so much . . . I feel awful.

It just isn't right.  It's now how you treat the person you loved.  It just isn't . . . I would never be so cruel.

Sorry for veering off track, just sad and venting.  Hope you guys are pulling through. 

Much love.

[LostInMemories]

I've always been the dumper too, and I've always been good at it.   I've let people go, but when I did, I reassured them that I cared for them, and I would help them through the break up.  It's what you call "amicable".  I still love all of my ex boyfriends, and most of them I am amazing friends with to this very day.

To be dumped . . . and completely ignored and discarded . . . when I gave so much.  Sacrificed everything I could to make him happy . . . and he wont even speak to me. 

It hurts so much . . . I feel awful.

It just isn't right.  It's now how you treat the person you loved.  It just isn't . . . I would never be so cruel.

Sorry for veering off track, just sad and venting.  Hope you guys are pulling through. 

Much love.

I hear you. The way BPD people treat you, after they dump you, is horrible. The feeling is hard to describe in words. It's not right indeed, to treat the person you have loved for years, like that, even after a breakup. It feels like they just 'suddenly switch' from loving you to hating your guts in sometimes a matter of minutes. They block all contact, call you the worst names possible, when the only thing you try to do is get answers, or just care about them and want to try and make it right, because it (seems like) it doesn't have a reason.

Check out this thread,:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=289136.0 

It really made me understand that this is nothing about you personally, this is typical Borderline behaviour, and you deserve better! Although I know that (like myself) many people don't WANT better, they want that very person they lost, no matter if they have BPD or not...

Stay strong, much love

[bdyw8]

Thanks for the support you guys.  Yes, the more I look back, the more I see that she used these "noble" statements to suck me in closer.  And when she saw that I was all in, that's when she pushed me away.  It's so insane to see the cycle.  Then when she pushed me away I would angry and upset and then I would be the "crazy" one for questioning her behaviour.

I'm seeing, too, that nothing was real.  Just like the accusations she made towards me of being crazy and over-bearing were not real, the nice "sweet" things she said weren't real either.  The whole relationship was her manipulating me into doing what she wanted me to.  It's so subtle and under-handed that I actually believed I was the crazy one.  I have countless emails where I'm apologizing to her for screwing up her life and being such a Fxxk up.  She always enabled and allowed me to take all the blame and come off as the sane one.

So in response, yeah, if they want to go out and date again, I guess it's good luck to them and sorry to whomever they find next.

I totally related with making the most growth in my life when I was single.  I guess I should focus on my kids and on my friends right now and try to grow to a healthy place so I can attract a healthier person one day.  Right now, I don't have a lot of faith that one will ever want me though.