Practicing SET on ourselves (our feeling brain)

[Depression = 72% of members]

One of the things that has made this breakup (and the relationship itself) so tough is that for a while I've had a big conflict between my rational brain (that thinks it makes sense that we broke up) and my feeling brain (that loves her deeply) and I think that maybe the same validation tools that can be useful in BPD communication (if only I used them more!) could be useful to communicating with our own feeling brains. Does this make sense as a SET communication between them?

FB (feeling brain): I miss her so much. Maybe we can have dinner and get back together.

TB (thinking brain): Oh yes, FB, this is very painful. What are you feeling?

FB: I miss her smiling at me and being in her arms.

TB: Oh yes, those were wonderful things. Definitely things to miss.

FB: Yeah (tears).

TB: It's gonna be okay, you know. You're gonna be okay. It is good to feel the feelings.

FB: yeah, huh?

TB: you can hold on to the memory of the super good things okay? It must have been hard to go to the wedding [I went to a wedding this morning] and hear all those nice things about love.

FB: yeah it really was. It made me think of all our wonderful things, all our hopes, the joy of the connection.

TB: those were real, you know. It is just she has this very difficult illness, one that makes her lose faith in other people and in love more quickly. If it didn't end this way, it would have ended in another, perhaps more difficult way.

FB: sad about her illness too .

TB: yeah, hopefully she can get help and find her way. She's resourceful you know? It will take some time and she might not be ready for it yet-- better to move on for now. 

Does that make sense as a SET conversation? Can anyone else give an example of using it on ourselves?

[kc sunshine]

One of the things that has made this breakup (and the relationship itself) so tough is that for a while I've had a big conflict between my rational brain (that thinks it makes sense that we broke up) and my feeling brain (that loves her deeply) and I think that maybe the same validation tools that can be useful in BPD communication (if only I used them more!) could be useful to communicating with our own feeling brains. Does this make sense as a SET communication between them?

FB (feeling brain): I miss her so much. Maybe we can have dinner and get back together.

TB (thinking brain): Oh yes, FB, this is very painful. What are you feeling?

FB: I miss her smiling at me and being in her arms.

TB: Oh yes, those were wonderful things. Definitely things to miss.

FB: Yeah (tears).

TB: It's gonna be okay, you know. You're gonna be okay. It is good to feel the feelings.

FB: yeah, huh?

TB: you can hold on to the memory of the super good things okay? It must have been hard to go to the wedding [I went to a wedding this morning] and hear all those nice things about love.

FB: yeah it really was. It made me think of all our wonderful things, all our hopes, the joy of the connection.

TB: those were real, you know. It is just she has this very difficult illness, one that makes her lose faith in other people and in love more quickly. If it didn't end this way, it would have ended in another, perhaps more difficult way.

FB: sad about her illness too .

TB: yeah, hopefully she can get help and find her way. She's resourceful you know? It will take some time and she might not be ready for it yet-- better to move on for now. 

Does that make sense as a SET conversation? Can anyone else give an example of using it on ourselves?

[Mutt]

Hi kc sunshine,

I understand that conflict and it makes complete sense.

rational brain = head

feeling brain = heart

Your heart has not caught up to your head. You're exploring your feelings 

[eeks]

Hi kc sunshine,

I do my own inner observation that is not necessarily a dialogue between two "parts" of myself, but what you're doing here makes sense to me. 

I am curious, did you notice a shift in your emotions during or after this?  It sounds like your "thinking brain" was validating your "feeling brain", were you able to receive that validation?

eeks

[kc sunshine]

yes, interestingly I was able to feel the validation, and release the tension between the parts of me a bit. Also as I was doing it (writing it down here), I was also able to feel the sadness more straightfowardly or something. It is making me understand on a deeper level why SET is a helpful communication approach in times of distress.

Hi kc sunshine,

I do my own inner observation that is not necessarily a dialogue between two "parts" of myself, but what you're doing here makes sense to me. 

I am curious, did you notice a shift in your emotions during or after this?  It sounds like your "thinking brain" was validating your "feeling brain", were you able to receive that validation?

eeks