if I would have known?

[mylifeisgoodnow]

Could I have managed this better? My exBPDbf is 13 years my junior. He thought I would be safe and not ask for commitment. I see this now. And everything pointed to this but I pushed out of my own insecurities.

Now I'm still texting him trying to appeal to his softer side with no replies.  He said he blocked me but I refuse to believe. Maybe he is really done this time. And maybe I should be glad?

9 months of off and on with 3 weeks on/3 weeks off. Slowly deteriorating his feelings for me and amount of attention/privileges. Met family in week one... .now a secret and hidden from his entire life for personal/ child custody reasons with ex (emotionally unstable as well)

I was concentrated on the passive aggressive trait only until I stumbled upon BPD and I think it's too late.

I have read to give him time. And I try. It's just hard when I wake all night from dreams of him. He's so deeply ingrained it scares even me. My caregiver in me just wants to help him. My human side craves him.

Help. Please.

[thisworld]

Hello MyLifeIsGoodNow 

And welcome to the BPD Family 

I'm sorry for what brought you here but I'm glad you're with us. We are all here to help and support each other. You will see from reading the posts here that you are far from alone.

What happened recently to bring your here? Please tell us more about yourself, and your situation, as you get comfortable here. You say "Could I have managed this better?". It sounds like you are questioning your own actions. What makes you think like that?

My thoughts are with you,

TW

[mylifeisgoodnow]

Thank you for replying. I am questioning my actions and my own sanity. As he left things saturday on the "you're crazy" note. I am still on a roller coaster of emotions. One day knowing I am better off. But today thinking if I only knew his condition sooner.

I could have let him go easier when he needed space and felt too consumed.

This is no way to live... .I know. But I care for him so deeply.

To think someone can discard another person with no remorse. Go from loving to just using for sex. With no communication in between meetings. And I am crazy because I can't handle it.  And want more of my basic needs met.

I am still at the point where I refuse to believe this is him. But after reading every article and now this site... .it is hard to deny. I do not like to diagnose anyone but the signs all point to BPD.

I thought he was just a "normal" person.  Just younger than me so wasn't ready for commitment. But all his relationships prior were the same. Textbook.

Time will help. I just wish I knew what I was dealing with early on.

Regret. And ashamed for how I reacted to everything. It was and is crazy making.  Even when I thought I was stronger than that. I got sucked into the drama of it all.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey mylifeisgood, Don't beat yourself up!  Who knew?  BPD is an extremely complex disorder.  I suspect very few Nons have any idea that BPD exists until they find themselves in the midst of the hurricane.  We're all playing catch-up when it comes to BPD, so go easy on yourself.  I doubt anything you might have done would have changed the outcome, sad to say.  In general, a BPD r/s is not built to last, as you are discovering.  My suggestion: be kind and caring to yourself, before you jump back into the ring with your xBPDbf.

LuckyJim

[thisworld]

I agree with Lucky Jim. You are newly out of an emotionally exhausting situation and it's important that you treat yourself with care and compassion. Do you look after yourself well nowadays?

And I am crazy because I can't handle it.  And want more of my basic needs met.

No, you are not crazy for not being able to handle it, neither are you weak or insufficient in any sense. And you are only human for wanting more of your basic needs met; and a self-respecting human with boundaries. These relationships are called crazy-making for a reason. My own healing process is built around seeing my own role and the reason why I agreed to have this relationship even though could see the red flags from day 1. But that came only after reading a lot of posts here and making sense of what I went through with the help of other people. (And I discovered that so many things that I thought were unique to my relationship were actually behaviours stemming from BPD). For some people here, these relationships have something to do with our family of origin; there is something in these relationships that speaks to our core wounds so we click. For some others, it's the attachment style that causes a lot of reactions because we keep on triggering each other I suppose. Not only these but some sane expectations (like expecting rationality from our partners) also make things difficult sometimes. And yes, we could have reacted differently but the disorder would not go away, would it?

My ex was a volatile person and we experienced severe communication problems. At one point, almost anything caysed him to dysregulate. Dysregulation caused him to overdose. I feel bad for this. After I came to this site, I realized that I could have handled it better. But at the same time, I realized that it wouldn't result in an improvement in intimacy because between fears of abandonment and fears of engulfment, my ex would have never been able to build true intimacy for me. Of course, every person is unique and this differs for everyone in terms of degree.

It feels like you regret going after him when he was engulfed. Do you have other regrets? We can talk about them as much as you like here. I guess all of us did similar or worse things so this is a very humble board

Please keep posting so we go through these early stages together. You are not alone

[mylifeisgoodnow]

Yes I regret going after him. As of today texting all day trying to break thru to him. Because it worked in the beginning phase but not now.

I regret lashing out in anger in the past to make him respond. So now that is held against me as he never lets anything go.

I long for the sweetest person I've ever met to return. But I am shut out air tight. I saw and felt his pain in his eyes. But I know he has retreated into himself again. Where he stays for such a long time.

why is it so hard for me to let go? Why do I want one more chance to prove myself?

Is it impossible to find a balance with them? I want him to trust me and I mean him no harm. I feel I understand it more so now I'm ready?  But I'm not because I can't even leave him be longer than  two days.

thank you so much for probing for more information as I feel brow beaten right now and I'm really not sure if I should talk at all anymore. I feel like a burden. And my esteem is low. I have been hidden and feel shame for just wanting intimacy. But for him it is just sex. But when we're together it feels real? Is the act enough to make him feel engulfed? Too much emotion expended during the act that he is depleted?

Anyone else experience the "nsa" request because he can't handle more than that when other life situations arise? It's so degrading when it was once so beautiful. I denied the nsa thing Saturday and I was cut off. He said he blocked me so I don't even know if he is reading my pleas to reply.  I just want communication and he withholds. "In my opinion you're too crazy to handle half way" is the last I hear. Then "blocked" (after I lashed out and said he needs help... .or age) that was the final straw.

[thisworld]

Hi again MyLifeIsGoodNow  

Thank you for taking the time to reply and please know that we are here whenever you are. The important thing right now is that you look after yourself well to the best of your power and do things at your own pace. Sometimes we just want to vent, sometimes we want to find answers and sometimes we just want to read. Whatever you feel like, really. We all come out of these relationships with low self-worth and we feel like a burden sometimes. But this what this web site is for. We are very happy that you are here and please know that everything you share, at whatever length, will be eye-opening for someone else as well because someone will find a similarity. We are all helping each other.

Yes I regret going after him. As of today texting all day trying to break thru to him. Because it worked in the beginning phase but not now.

Relationships with persons with BPD (pwBPD) have a cycle of idealization, devaluation and discard. Depending on where the pwBPD is and how strongly they feel, their reactions change. So, what works at one point doesn't change at some other. This is very confusing and heart-breaking for us but it's a part of the disorder. Unfortunately, their emotions do not have consistency. Certainly, every pwBPD is a unique individual but what he is doing right now seems part of the disorder, and your reactions are very understandable. Some of us lash out, some of us become dismissive, some of us become even more loving or understanding. But once a pwBPD is triggered, we have little control over the situation. Do you think you could accept this at this point (even if your heart says otherwise)?

I long for the sweetest person I've ever met to return. But I am shut out air tight. I saw and felt his pain in his eyes. But I know he has retreated into himself again. Where he stays for such a long time.

why is it so hard for me to let go? Why do I want one more chance to prove myself? Is it impossible to find a balance with them? I want him to trust me and I mean him no harm. I feel I understand it more so now I'm ready?  But I'm not because I can't even leave him be longer than  two days.

My heart goes out to you. All of us here are familiar with this feeling. This is what makes break-ups so painful. If there wasn't that sweetness (in ex's case a certain boyish innocence for instance) we wouldn't be feeling like this now. We want that to come back. Unfortunately, everything else is a part of this person right now. At the moment, the one thing you can control is yourself and I think you need to keep yourself as strong as possible. Are you looking after yourself well?  

Have you come across this article

https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

I have been hidden and feel shame for just wanting intimacy. But for him it is just sex. But when we're together it feels real? Is the act enough to make him feel engulfed? Too much emotion expended during the act that he is depleted?

I think I know exactly how you feel. Sex was an area of control for my ex, so soon after he felt I was emotionally available for him completely, he started controlling me through deprivation. For instance, he would initiate sex and stop when he felt I was engaged. He had a grin on his face and he would say "This much is enough." I felt shame for wanting intimacy. Also, this man who used to want me so much started to have this repulsed look in his eyes, it was confusing because it shook my reality as I understood it. This happened in a very sensitive area for me as a woman, and it was very difficult to deal with. I personally think the act enough may be making some pwBPD engulfed as my ex avoided intimacy at whatever cost during sexual acts (he wouldn't have eye contact, he would avoid symbols of intimacy like the bed and he preferred positions that would minimize bodily contact and eye contact). He also started avoid cuddling and little acts or touches of love - and this man couldn't stop cuddling in the beginning, I had never been held or cuddled that much in my life before. He also slept like a big friendly dog with his arms and legs over me but towards the end, he was doing everything in his power to sleep on the very edge so that our bodies would not touch. All this was painful for me. If I tried to speak about it, he would dismiss angrily, minimize, deny. Basically, anything but empathy. Add to this his online harem of his "young online groupies" and his collection of exes all of whom occupied too much space in our relationship, everything was very very invalidating.

Anyone else experience the "nsa" request because he can't handle more than that when other life situations arise?

I didn't get this but I have read similar experiences here.

I denied the nsa thing Saturday and I was cut off.

How do you feel about it? Do you feel good because this was an independent value for you and you are happy that you have protected your boundary (though sad that you lost him) or do you feel that you could alter that for him?  

Looking forward to your reply whenever you would like to.

Stay safe,

TW

[mylifeisgoodnow]

Tw... .Thank you so much for your words. After being in silent treatment for the better half of none months i am grateful. I feel like I'm being heard where I haven't for a while.

Your story parallels mine so it again leaves me with mixed emotions. Relief that it wasn't just me.  And sadness realizing this is what it has been.

The boyish charm/sweet eyes are hiding something much bigger than I am equipped to handle.

I feel proud of myself for setting my boundaries back into place. Even if it means losing him. It isn't him I am losing though. It's who I though he was. He's sick and I can't help.

I bent as far as I could. But have been feeling stronger and more myself since our last encounter the beginning of January.

I lost him a long time ago and I have been stuck in bargaining and depression since August when he said he stopped loving me. Doing things this whole time hoping it would come back.

I was ready and told him friday I was letting go. Just to receive a late night text to reel me back in. I got out of bed... .took a bath and got ready. By this point the blizzard was starting and he told me to stay home. Waving it in front of me and taking it away as he often did throughout.

I will stay on these boards because I know this will be along road. I can't look back anymore. I almost hope he did block me so he didn't see my final pleas. Add embarrassment to the list of emotions.  But at least I feel.

Thank you again... .so much

[apollotech]

I think I know exactly how you feel. Sex was an area of control for my ex, so soon after he felt I was emotionally available for him completely, he started controlling me through deprivation. For instance, he would initiate sex and stop when he felt I was engaged. He had a grin on his face and he would say "This much is enough." I felt shame for wanting intimacy. Also, this man who used to want me so much started to have this repulsed look in his eyes, it was confusing because it shook my reality as I understood it. This happened in a very sensitive area for me as a woman, and it was very difficult to deal with. I personally think the act enough may be making some pwBPD engulfed as my ex avoided intimacy at whatever cost during sexual acts (he wouldn't have eye contact, he would avoid symbols of intimacy like the bed and he preferred positions that would minimize bodily contact and eye contact). He also started avoid cuddling and little acts or touches of love - and this man couldn't stop cuddling in the beginning, I had never been held or cuddled that much in my life before. He also slept like a big friendly dog with his arms and legs over me but towards the end, he was doing everything in his power to sleep on the very edge so that our bodies would not touch. All this was painful for me. If I tried to speak about it, he would dismiss angrily, minimize, deny. Basically, anything but empathy. Add to this his online harem of his "young online groupies" and his collection of exes all of whom occupied too much space in our relationship, everything was very very invalidating.

Thanks thisworld, that's an excellent writing on the distinction between intimacy and sex! Like you, I experienced much of that with my BPDexgf. She could do sex, but intimacy was a no no.

mylifeisgoodnow,

If you want intimacy in a relationship, if I were you, I wouldn't be looking for a pwBPD to provide that. You called it in your OP: intimacy causes engulfment, so a pwBPD avoids engulfment via avoiding intimacy. Continue to read on the boards and you'll see this story told over and over again, different cast, same script.

The reality of a BPD relationship is this: you cannot have a healthy relationship with an unhealthy person. By what you've written, I don't think that you want an unhealthy relationship. I think that you want something real, something stable, something substantial. As he is now, does your ex seem like someone who can provide that?

[mylifeisgoodnow]

No I know he cannot. I am still in denial that this is him. But every day that passes and looking back at the entire time it is hard to deny.

still wishing he'd snap out of it and afraid to let go.

I think just one more text will make him reply. One more will bring him around. One more and he will feel what he once felt. I am working through the addiction. To him. To the passion we did have. And the sense of comfort we felt just sitting across from each other.

I think if he only sees me just one more time he will know. As he always did. But he hides. And runs.

Does this take strength on his part? Or does it come with ease? Is he hurting too? Or am I just an annoyance to him?

[apollotech]

I am still in denial that this is him.

Hi MLIGN,

That ^^^^ will pass at some point and you'll move into acceptance. I think most of us went through the stages that you spoke of----denial, him magically getting better (snapping out of it), just one more time will fix everything, etc. Unfortunately, unbeknownst to many of us, we were dealing with people with a very real and a very serious mental disorder. The nastiest parts of BPD don't show up until after the emotional bond is established (engulfment rears its ugly head). By that time, it's too late, we're all in.

As you gain distance from the relationship and knowledge about the disorder you'll begin to come further and further out of the FOG. As a tool to keep you from reengaging with him, you might want to keep in mind what you already know, what you have already stated----he cannot be the type of companion that you want in the type of relationship that you want.

[C.Stein]

I think I know exactly how you feel. Sex was an area of control for my ex, so soon after he felt I was emotionally available for him completely, he started controlling me through deprivation. For instance, he would initiate sex and stop when he felt I was engaged. He had a grin on his face and he would say "This much is enough." I felt shame for wanting intimacy. Also, this man who used to want me so much started to have this repulsed look in his eyes, it was confusing because it shook my reality as I understood it. This happened in a very sensitive area for me as a woman, and it was very difficult to deal with. I personally think the act enough may be making some pwBPD engulfed as my ex avoided intimacy at whatever cost during sexual acts (he wouldn't have eye contact, he would avoid symbols of intimacy like the bed and he preferred positions that would minimize bodily contact and eye contact). He also started avoid cuddling and little acts or touches of love - and this man couldn't stop cuddling in the beginning, I had never been held or cuddled that much in my life before. He also slept like a big friendly dog with his arms and legs over me but towards the end, he was doing everything in his power to sleep on the very edge so that our bodies would not touch. All this was painful for me. If I tried to speak about it, he would dismiss angrily, minimize, deny. Basically, anything but empathy. Add to this his online harem of his "young online groupies" and his collection of exes all of whom occupied too much space in our relationship, everything was very very invalidating.

Thanks thisworld, that's an excellent writing on the distinction between intimacy and sex! Like you, I experienced much of that with my BPDexgf. She could do sex, but intimacy was a no no.

My ex could be very intimate during sex but she also needed to be physically satisfied, even if she said she didn't.  In the beginning she told me she needs to have a certain type of orgasm once a day, which didn't happen easily.  That alone probably should have triggered a red flag alert.  This wasn't a problem for me though as I get most all of my physical pleasure from giving it to the other person, always trying to outdo myself.  That said, as the emotional damage increased the sex, closeness and intimacy decreased and it was this intimacy and closeness that I wanted the most.  

The sex for me started to become very robotic because I wasn't feeling emotionally safe with her.   It was like I was there to satisfy her sexual needs, even if she didn't ask for it directly.   For me, when I "make love" I open myself completely (emotionally) to the other person.  It is a time when I allow myself to be entirely emotionally exposed and vulnerable but it is also a time when I connect/bond to that person on a very deep level.  It is an intertwining of energies, or as some might say, a bonding/sharing of souls.   I wanted to look into her eyes, into her "soul" and she didn't really shy away from looking into mine, but there is a huge difference between the look of love and the look of sexual (animal) desire.  There were many times when we did emotionally bond at a very deep level, deeper than I had ever experienced with any other woman.   However when my emotional security was compromised by her behavior (outside of the bedroom) it severely impacted my ability to be emotional intimate and close to her in the bedroom.   To put it simply ... .I became afraid to emotionally expose and open myself to her.  

As I think back on the relationship, the times when I allowed myself to emotionally open up to her completely, when we were the most emotionally close (in and out of bedroom), these times were followed by something she did to sabotage that (eg. emotionally hurt me and consequently push me away).  It didn't happened immediately after a very intimate "love making", but it did happen eventually.   I really don't know if this was due to a fear of intimacy (BPD) or just coincidence.  

She also used sexual release as a coping mechanism which might suggest a sex addiction.  I do think there is a strong possibility for comorbid HPD with her.  In our relationship I believe she placed way to much importance on sex and used it as a measure of how healthy our relationship was.  Frequent sex = healthy relationship (for her).   I believe a healthy sexual relationship includes both sex and making love.  This satisfies both physical and emotional needs.  When one outweighs the other then problems start to occur.  At this point I don't really know what "making love" meant to her, or for that matter what "love" means to her.

To be honest this all confuses the hell out of me.  How one can achieve such a deep bonding, a profound "love" with another person, yet some of their actions and behavior say they don't really "love" you at all.

[apollotech]

As I think back on the relationship, the times when I allowed myself to emotionally open up to her completely, when we were the most emotionally close (in and out of bedroom), these times were followed by something she did to sabotage that (eg. emotionally hurt me and consequently push me away).  It didn't happened immediately after a very intimate "love making", but it did happen eventually.   I really don't know if this was due to a fear of intimacy (BPD) or just coincidence.

Hi CS,

Yep, I learned very quickly that if intimacy was involved the night before that a rage from her was going to follow the next day. You could set your clock by it. If it was just the mechanical copulation that you describe (robotic) then everything was fine the next day. Mine too equated a good relationship with lots of sex (and I do mean sex, not intimacy). Her view was not a view that we shared together. I will take quality (intimacy) over quantity any day of the week.

[mylifeisgoodnow]

Still no replies from him since last Saturday. I spent the day crying with the reality that I've been discarded.  I refused to be a sex toy... .asked for more. And poof.

as in every other week he has strung me along... .Fridays have been my acceptance days and that is usually his bait day/night. When i dont text at all he tries to lure me back.

Although I am quite certain he blocked me I am not going to pretend I have a clue what to expect this week. I think he is done. I am black as far as I'm concerned.

Another 24 hours I will be free of questions. Relief may be in sight.

I thank you all. I have found strength this past week from all of you. Clarity is setting in. The fog is lifting. It has been and will continue to be a journey. I'm trying to look forward. It's just been such a ride.

Kisses to you

[ajr5679]

I just want to say u are not alone. The first brake up was the worst for me and I felt the same way u left and I went back to try to prove that I could do better. Please learn from my experience u don't want them back. It is like they have complete control over u and ur self esteem  .

[Penelope35]

Although I am quite certain he blocked me I am not going to pretend I have a clue what to expect this week. I think he is done. I am black as far as I'm concerned.

Another 24 hourqs I will be free of questions. Relief may be in sight.

Hi mylife. I know it's hard for you to undestand or accept right now but it really is for your benefit if he is done with you or paited you black as you said. I remember my friends telling "we hope he is gone forever" and I would get mad at them for not understanding how I was feeling and how much I needed him to come back. The reality without him is still hard for me but I am really trying to remember that I am grieving the loss of who I thought he was. Not the loss of the real him... .

Hung in there. It will get better. But please try to start accepting who he really was and looking at the relationship for what it really was. Deep down we all know this is not what we want for ourselves... .

[mylifeisgoodnow]

Well I'm not blocked and he's talking.

Now whether I am really crazy enough to continue this and try a "halfway"

I told him I will expect him to vanish and be surprised if he stays instead of the other way around.

If BPD people are emotionally stunted does it help to approach it as a child? To expect any sort of adult reaction to anything would be irrational. He acted like a child when he was hurt.

Like I don't have anything else to do besides figure this out