Living with the aftermath.

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi there!

I don't really feel like I am able to talk about what goes on in my head with anyone that I know so I thought this forum would be a good place to start, as I am sure this is the place where people can relate.

I am a 27 year old female, an only child who grew up with a single mother with BPD. Needless to say it was painful chaos and there was no-one around to relate to, validate what I was going through or tell me it wasn't all in my head like I had been told many times before by my mum.

I moved to the other side of the world for a few years to try and process it all, this did help me heal slightly, to be away from her, however she is still now a part of my life. I say this because I completely understand those that would cut contact with a BPD parent. Unfortunately I have always felt that that would be too dramatic of me or cruel to my mum.

I have known for a few years now that she had BPD and it has helped me heal the pain by being able to make sense of what the first part of my life was about due to her illness.

I am writing on here today however because although I know why she did the things she did and I know that is not my fault, it has sadly left me with many troubles of my own.

When reading the article on here about children of parents with BPD and being shamed, I can relate to pretty much every single effect on the list that it can have on you.

I struggle with stress management, liking myself, liking the way I look, commitment and relationships. I have BPD traits of my own. I struggle with seeing things through to the end, flitting from one to another. I get angry. I suffer anxiety. Narcissism - due to the fact I am so caught up in just trying to deal with life. There are many more.

I am absolutely terrified of the fact that I could have BPD myself and just wondered if there are any other children of BPD parents out there, who have suffered themselves and have any advice on how to get to grips and really kick the bad habits you don't want to have and become more resilient and happy?

Any comments welcome 

Thank you,

Me x

[castaway]

Hi there!

I don't really feel like I am able to talk about what goes on in my head with anyone that I know so I thought this forum would be a good place to start, as I am sure this is the place where people can relate.

I am a 27 year old female, an only child who grew up with a single mother with BPD. Needless to say it was painful chaos and there was no-one around to relate to, validate what I was going through or tell me it wasn't all in my head like I had been told many times before by my mum.

I moved to the other side of the world for a few years to try and process it all, this did help me heal slightly, to be away from her, however she is still now a part of my life. I say this because I completely understand those that would cut contact with a BPD parent. Unfortunately I have always felt that that would be too dramatic of me or cruel to my mum.

I have known for a few years now that she had BPD and it has helped me heal the pain by being able to make sense of what the first part of my life was about due to her illness.

I am writing on here today however because although I know why she did the things she did and I know that is not my fault, it has sadly left me with many troubles of my own.

When reading the article on here about children of parents with BPD and being shamed, I can relate to pretty much every single effect on the list that it can have on you.

I struggle with stress management, liking myself, liking the way I look, commitment and relationships. I have BPD traits of my own. I struggle with seeing things through to the end, flitting from one to another. I get angry. I suffer anxiety. Narcissism - due to the fact I am so caught up in just trying to deal with life. There are many more.

I am absolutely terrified of the fact that I could have BPD myself and just wondered if there are any other children of BPD parents out there, who have suffered themselves and have any advice on how to get to grips and really kick the bad habits you don't want to have and become more resilient and happy?

Any comments welcome 

Thank you,

Me x

[Kwamina]

Hi castaway

Welcome back here

I am sorry you are having these struggles. Being the only child of a single BPD parent can be very tough indeed. When I was a kid I lived alone with my mother for many years and it definitely wasn't easy, particularly on a psychological and emotional level.

Many children of BPD parents find themselves struggling in their adult lives with certain traits that might remind them of their parents. This doesn't necessarily have to mean that you have BPD yourself, often it are also unhealthy behaviors that we learned or copied from our BPD parents. Or certain coping mechanisms we developed as children to deal with the difficult BPD environment we were living in, but might not serve us so well anymore now that we are adults. Fortunately, these learned unhealthy behaviors and developed coping mechanisms can through hard work be better managed by us. Not too long ago we had a thread here about this subject, I encourage you to take a look at it:

Recognizing and dealing with our own unhealthy behaviors and coping mechanisms

You mention struggling with stress management, liking yourself and liking the way you look. Do you perhaps feel like you've internalized your mother's negative or critical voice? Do you now find yourself dealing with an inner critic/negative inner voice? We have a thread here about dealing with automatic negative thoughts and talking back to our inner critic, I think you might also find it helpful:

Automatic negative thoughts: Talking back to your inner critic/negative voice

Take care

[HappyChappy]

Firstly, I can relate to much of what you say. So the good news is your fears are very normal and understandable coming from someone who been brought up by a BPD. I’m glad you found this website, because it certainly helped me heal, and you’re sounding the way I did when I first arrived here. There’s also Therapy and a range of good books on the topic that may help.

It’s unlikely you have BPD or NPD, as central to the illness is a strong believe that you’re always correct so any issues must due to  someone else, hence why they project their guilt and blame away. But we all do pick up “flees” i.e. attribute from BPD, but we can change those so don’t worry too much about that. If anything you sound very self aware, which is step one on your road to recovery.

Children of BPD parents often have eating disorders or PTSD. Even without this, we often get triggered by bad childhood memories, does any of this apply to you ?  Welcome to the site.

[anon72]

Hi Castaway,

I know that you wrote this almost a month ago!  However, just wanted you to know that I can totally relate to what you wrote, particularly about stress management, liking myself etc. etc. 

I think that these are fairly normal characteristics for children of a BPD parent from what I have read (although am still very much a newbie).  What I have been doing to try and help myself is:  CBT, mindfulness, exercise, healthy eating, lots of sleep, therapy (twice a week - because I need it at the moment) and working on trying to change these destructive thought patterns.

I am so glad that you have realized this at 27 - even though it is horrible - I am now 43 years old - and only just realized this a month ago.  You will get there - be kind to yourself!  Am only repeating stuff that I have been told - as I am still learning like crazy on a daily basis.

Cheers,

Anon72