Big urge to get back at her

[Musicmaker1]

Intro: After a relationship of almost 3 years and a marriage of 1 year, last october I couldn't hold on any longer and I broke up with my BPD wife. All the insults, the lies, painting me black, the pulling and pushing... .I was broken down and I had to protect myself. To read my whole story, check out my topic here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=287599.0

Getting back at her: This week I found out that 2 weeks after we broke up, she was already hanging out, partying, being quite intimate with another boy (saw it on party pictures on Facebook). I felt so betrayed, how sincere did she love me in the 1st place if she discards me this easily. I feel the big urge to get back at her.

Partially, I already did. She's from Algeria, divorcing is considered to be quite a shame in that culture, or at least in her family. I send all the pictures I found to her parents and her brother. I also told them how much she betrayed me and that she's hanging out with another boy now.

However, I feel like I'm still hungry for more "revenge" so to speak. Revenge is not really the right word... .but it's sort of getting a little more justice in the world, after all the injustice that has been done to me. I prefer not to lower myself to her levels, but if you keep getting hit in the face over and over and over again... .at one point you want to hit back.

Do these feelings resonate with some of you? And how did you manage them? Any insight is greatly appreciatied.

[borderdude]

Do you revenge the person or her disorder? Do you distinguish between? She will always be unreliable with any she meets, they are only attachements for her supply, should you and other victim take it personally?

.

What about pointing the finger at yourself and answer what you gain by revenge? For her any attention is good and will feed her ego. Did she put you through or did you do it. They use denial of responsability as s weapon , do you do the same?

When did you know you where being manipulated? Did you chose to look at it , listen to yourself  and end the rs? Did you chose to be dazzled by her attention , boundaried be moved but you did still not listen to what you felt.

At some point along the road you share the responsability.

[Musicmaker1]

Do you revenge the person or her disorder? Do you distinguish between? She will always be unreliable with any she meets, they are only attachements for her supply, should you and other victim take it personally?

what is it about you that needs to carertake and become a codependent part in another persons disorder? If you shall fix her, are you a trained terapist? If not you are most likely worsen her condition  and not least strenghten your codependent unhealthy patterns by playing them out in a rs. The combination is deadly destructive for both of you. Caretaking between adults is unhealthy if its done extensively in an adult-child manner.

What about pointing the finger at yourself and answer what you gain by revenge? For her any attention is good and will feed her ego. Did she put you through or did you do it. They use denial of responsability as s weapon , do you do the same?

Thanks for your reply. Do I despise the person or the disorder? That's difficult to answer since they're intertwined. Imagine someone with a lust for killing, murdering someone you love. You'll probably feel hate towards that person right... .you don't really think about his disorder apart from the person, the disorder is part of him.

As for the reason why I want to do this: No not to fix her, or to even try that. I'm convinced that's a dead end and I don't want her back in my life. It's getting hit a million times and feel like you wanna hit back, just a few times. That's not gonna level her million hits at me by far, but at least it's something.

I point the finger at myself for not noticing the red flags earlier. I was blinded by love and I didn't have the knowlegde about BPD that I have now. I'm most probably not codependent. That's not being in denial, when I look at myself, my previous relationships, how I feel about myself, etc. there's not one bit resonating with me.

[Musicmaker1]

When did you know you where being manipulated? Did you chose to look at it , listen to yourself  and end the rs? Did you chose to be dazzled by her attention , boundaried be moved but you did still not listen to what you felt.

At some point along the road you share the responsability.

We had LDR for 2 years, visiting each other as often as possible. This gave her the chance to hide her BPD and show me the amazing incredible seductive mask of her. After 6 months of living together I was depleted 100% and I had no choice but to end it. It was a hard decision (also a lot of good memories with her, my dreams shattered), but I stuck by it.

[once removed]

hey musicmaker1 

i think most of us have felt similarly at one time or another, i know i did. seeing your partner seemingly moving on so quickly is really devastating  .

I'm convinced that's a dead end and I don't want her back in my life.

BPD is a persecution complex. attempts at revenge reinforce her world view, and the black with which she may have painted you. it does not achieve justice, it wont achieve her feeling remorse, it does keep her in your life, and it will not help you attach.

you ended the relationship. i know that makes her actions no less painful  . live your life. become the best version of you. revenge, too, is a dead end.

[woofbarkmeowbeep]

I completely relate.

My BPDex convinced me to move across the country to stay with her, only to cheat on me 1 week later and kick me out two weeks later. How I wish to take revenge on her and F her over somehow...

I'm not sure how to do it though or what it would achieve... I also know what she is capable of and that she could potentially get me back 100 fold in numerous ways via her lies and manipulation.

I guess the only way to get her back would be if she came back to you and asked for forgiveness. You then 'forgive' her and take a completely unemotional approach to the relationship - using her as nothing more than a sex toy then perhaps ditch her in the middle of it.  But again, I doubt that would achieve much. These people move on to the next prey pretty easily.

[NYCIntrospect]

Do these feelings resonate with some of you? And how did you manage them? Any insight is greatly appreciatied.

They definitely resonate with me.  While I fully acknowledge that it takes two to tango and that our inner issues contribute to these toxic interactions, I saw a shrink4men video interview that kept me from placing too much blame on myself; in it the guy made a distinction between a BPD and other types of sociopathic behaviors.  For example, someone like a ponzi scheme perpetrator or financial con person. The conman capitalizes on people's greed - an unenviable trait.  BPD people capitalize on your sense of compassion and decency - enviable traits that make us human.  It's sick and deplorable how they'll push buttons to get a reaction.

[Aussie0zborn]

I understand how you feel. The problem in seeking this type of revenge is that you give them the attention that they crave. And then any vengeful action is "proof" that your are victimising them "again". So it can only backfire on you. Dropping down to their level or even lower makes you a worse person than they are - you are supposed to be the healthy one and yet you act like a jerk. You can't win this by exacting revenge.

The best revenge for you "abandoning" her is it put you in jail. It's your job not to fall for it and give her what she wants. Facebook means nothing... .Everyone on FB has a "great life".

The best way to "win" and get your revenge is to get the toxicity out of your system and move on to a better and healthier life. Your thoughts are best focused on yourself and your healing. She will never change.  Your "revenge" could be as simple as knowing that she will constantly fail in relationships and have a miserable life. You can have a great life if you choose to. This is a good time to make that choice.

[once removed]

heads up: shrink4men is a hate site. not only do they advocate revenge, but in equating BPD to sociopathy (which is not the slightest bit clinically sound) i can see how a person would be encouraged to take it. a clinical understanding of BPD goes a long way toward a balanced perspective on our relationships and detaching from them.

we have a couple of reviews here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=273744

and here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=238014.0

[Musicmaker1]

Thank you so much for all the responses. Glad to see there are more that experience these feelings. I try to think about like this: I cannot want what I want. I want revenge, that just pops into my head, I can't help that. What I can do is choose how to act on these feelings. That's where I have to make the difference and to try and be strong.

Deep down inside I know I'm better than that and that lowering myself to that kind of level isn't me. I know this is the exact advice I would give someone else. I know it's not going to magically make my bad feelings about the relationship go away... .and still there is that urge! I guess it's time to show life that I can be disciplined. That I have the willpower to grow from this and emerge a better person.

Makes me think of what UFC Bantamweight champion Dominick Cruz said last week (he came back winning the title after being absent from the sport for about 4 years due to injuries). He said something like: - When it rains, it pours. So what do you do? You put on a big coat and you get through it. Step by step. And the rain will eventually stop and you will see the grass has grown. I'm standing in a field of grass right now. - Very simple words but they resonated with me.

[borderdude]

Thank you so much for all the responses. Glad to see there are more that experience these feelings. I try to think about like this: I cannot want what I want. I want revenge, that just pops into my head, I can't help that. What I can do is choose how to act on these feelings. That's where I have to make the difference and to try and be strong.

Deep down inside I know I'm better than that and that lowering myself to that kind of level isn't me. I know this is the exact advice I would give someone else. I know it's not going to magically make my bad feelings about the relationship go away... .and still there is that urge! I guess it's time to show life that I can be disciplined. That I have the willpower to grow from this and emerge a better person.

Makes me think of what UFC Bantamweight champion Dominick Cruz said last week (he came back winning the title after being absent from the sport for about 4 years due to injuries). He said something like: - When it rains, it pours. So what do you do? You put on a big coat and you get through it. Step by step. And the rain will eventually stop and you will see the grass has grown. I'm standing in a field of grass right now. - Very simple words but they resonated with me.

you want to revenge a person that will never be able to feel love, intimacy, able to trust anyone else, a person witch is infantile, immature  towards hes, hers behavior, on survival , maybe at the impulsive stage.

Think how much greater you are as a person, that choose to come her and digest your feelings, integrate, and grow, develop, while the other part avoids pain, responsibility, and just go on to the next victim. It also a right time to just realize you are a level over some persons, and direct your energies to fulfill your goals in life, it is also to misuse your energy. your own greatness is measured in one single label= your ability to take responsibility for your position and make space for the next healthy rs in your life, take responsibility to define your boundaries so you can trust yourself, and others can feel secure around you.

[Pretty Woman]

Hey Musicmaker,

         Revenge only hurts us (the non). To the disordered person they are already the victim. By seeking revenge all you are doing is fueling the "woe is me" and are technically victimizing them through revenge.

You are PROVING them right.

It is not worth it. We have ALL been there. You are hurt and your feelings are valid.  Once you are devalued and discarded it is never the same in the BPD's mind. That is why so many recycle and go through the same junk... .all over again. This wasn't a normal, healthy relationship.

She will never feel the same pain you are feeling. Revenge might make you feel better for a few minutes but you will still be suffering until you fully work through this.

She will not see this the same way you are... .just as she viewed your union vastly different.

Hang in there friend. I am glad you posted.  Posting helps! We all have these moments.  Thing is this: take a moment to reflect... .don't be impulsive. Think about things. Hopefully what I said made sense to you. I hope you chose to work on healing rather than acting out of anger. You really are better and more aware than that.

PW

[Mr. Magnet]

You can't get back at them

mine just told me I alienated her from her family!

LOL

The projection right now is out of control

[thisworld]

Hey Musicmaker,

         Revenge only hurts us (the non). To the disordered person they are already the victim. By seeking revenge all you are doing is fueling the "woe is me" and are technically victimizing them through revenge.

You are PROVING them right.

It is not worth it. We have ALL been there. You are hurt and your feelings are valid.  Once you are devalued and discarded it is never the same in the BPD's mind. That is why so many recycle and go through the same junk... .all over again. This wasn't a normal, healthy relationship.

She will never feel the same pain you are feeling. Revenge might make you feel better for a few minutes but you will still be suffering until you fully work through this.

She will not see this the same way you are... .just as she viewed your union vastly different.

Hang in there friend. I am glad you posted.  Posting helps! We all have these moments.  Thing is this: take a moment to reflect... .don't be impulsive. Think about things. Hopefully what I said made sense to you. I hope you chose to work on healing rather than acting out of anger. You really are better and more aware than that.

PW

I agree with every word of this. When I get any urge related to my ex (being sarcastic, being hurtful to him, going and proposing to him, whataver, any, any, urge), I remember an old slogan: HALT (so I don't do anything when I'm any of these: Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired). Only one them is enough. This always saves me from acting on my urges. This is because I never get the urges if I'm any of these: full, calm, with people I love or energetic. If I did, I think it would pass quickly. I think it's good to recognize that the urge belongs to us and stems from us.