Verbal Abuse

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I've been in law enforcement for 29 years and certainly worked in some tough neighborhoods. I've certainly been called my fair share of names in my career it's the nature if the busniness. You have to have a thick skin to say the least. I have to admit that my BPDex has called me some of the cruelest vilest things on a constant basis. I've certainly seen the direct result of domestic violence and in every one verbal abuse precipitated the end result.

Here are the things i was called on a weekly basis for at least 5 years.

C--t

Motherf-----r

Piece of s--t

S---bag

Fa--ot

Take it in my a--

Sackless b----h

Balless motherf----r

P---y

Wimp

Want a man not a b---h

A--hole

D--kbag

Your no father

Dumb motherf----r

C---sucker

I hope you die

Drop dead

Now i know when people become angry things are often said and apologies are usually given when things cool down. I would say this was what i was called on at least twice weekly basis for the past five years. Never once was there an apology for any of this as she felt justified in her behavior. I know that it was an abusive relationship. Verbal abusive leads to emotional abuse. Has anyone else been fed this steady diet of abuse? Now that i tell friends and family what transpired they are in awe. No one can believe that this beautiful woman could treat someone like this. No one can understand why i would put up with such abuse.

[Lexisdad]

I've been in law enforcement for 29 years and certainly worked in some tough neighborhoods. I've certainly been called my fair share of names in my career it's the nature if the busniness. You have to have a thick skin to say the least. I have to admit that my BPDex has called me some of the cruelest vilest things on a constant basis. I've certainly seen the direct result of domestic violence and in every one verbal abuse precipitated the end result.

Here are the things i was called on a weekly basis for at least 5 years.

C--t

Motherf-----r

Piece of s--t

S---bag

Fa--ot

Take it in my a--

Sackless b----h

Balless motherf----r

P---y

Wimp

Want a man not a b---h

A--hole

D--kbag

Your no father

Dumb motherf----r

C---sucker

I hope you die

Drop dead

Now i know when people become angry things are often said and apologies are usually given when things cool down. I would say this was what i was called on at least twice weekly basis for the past five years. Never once was there an apology for any of this as she felt justified in her behavior. I know that it was an abusive relationship. Verbal abusive leads to emotional abuse. Has anyone else been fed this steady diet of abuse? Now that i tell friends and family what transpired they are in awe. No one can believe that this beautiful woman could treat someone like this. No one can understand why i would put up with such abuse.

[Rock Chick]

The BPD in my life (my bfs mom) has called my bf, my bfs dad (her ex-husband), her 2 daughters, her other son, her daughter in law, her family members and myself a whole bunch of names and phrases. Some of these are ones you mentioned... .she also likes to call her son in a very negative and sometime angry tone 'stupid' or 'stupid boy' or she says his name in 2 ways his name can be said/called 'Is it *** or is it *****' or your an awful son, your a f***ing liar etc etc. She also seems to have the same emotions and body language and tone to her voice when talking about something from the past its like whatever it is just happened instead of when it happened (few months a go, 7 yrs ago, etc). She is also very inaccurate and delusional when it comes to recalling things that have happened when she was married to my boyfriends dad. Like when her and my boyfriends dad had fights or arguments. Even when my bf was right there and witnessed things. She will call my bf a liar and say she knows what happened and his dad has an agenda and go on and on and her voice will get louder and louder etc. So yes we too have been feed this emotional verbal mental abuse you speak of too and its usually on an everyday to almost everyday basis and she has gotten worse with time esp. since she hit her 50s (about 2 yrs ago... .she turns 53 in July i think).

[fromheeltoheal]

No one can understand why i would put up with such abuse.

Do you understand Lexisdad?  A relationship with a borderline is a great way to get a spotlight shined on our beliefs about ourselves and the world and the reasons we do what we do, tolerate what we do.  That spotlight can make things glaringly obvious and the wisdom about ourselves we get from it and the growth it inspires can be the gifts of the relationship.

What did you think and feel when she called you one of those?

[Lexisdad]

I felt horrible after hearing those names. I'm a pretty strong person but i have to be honest i was stripped of all dignity and confidence in myself. Towards the end i couldn't even look at myself in the mirror. I told her why are you talking to me like that and her answer was because you piss me off. I looked her in her eyes and told her and thats why i havent moved in with you because you act like a savage and i expect a butcher knife to be plunged thru my back by you.

[fromheeltoheal]

I felt horrible after hearing those names. I'm a pretty strong person but i have to be honest i was stripped of all dignity and confidence in myself. Towards the end i couldn't even look at myself in the mirror. I told her why are you talking to me like that and her answer was because you piss me off. I looked her in her eyes and told her and thats why i havent moved in with you because you act like a savage and i expect a butcher knife to be plunged thru my back by you.

That is very painful and confusing Lexisdad, I understand, been there.  If you dig deep, do you know why you stayed after the first few times, why you put up with that abuse?  Our inner critic can give us all kinds of answers to that question, but don't let it, just calmly and from a detached place look for the real reason you didn't bale immediately, that's where the growth is.

[Lexisdad]

Heeltoh,

Looking back think i stayed because i thought i could save this woman. She had a "sh----y childhood, failed relationships and single mom. I'll admit i misses all the red flags. I sent her an email dating back to december 2010 of her behavior and at least once a year since. I think alot of it may have been the way she treated me daughter"severely disabled". This woman s rages are scary and i'll admit i put up with the abuse hoping for the better. In hindsight i shouldve bailed years ago.

[Turkish]

Those are horribly abusive things to say...

Do you think that the nature of your job may have inurred you to such insults, in that it took a long time for you to step out of it emotionally and realize what was happening?

[Lexisdad]

The nature of my job may have. I've certainly been in relationships before and never had anyone call me the names my BPD ex did. It certainly was on a steady basis and i have an email that i sent dating to dec 2010 regarding her verbal abuse and rage. That was 6 months from the start of the relatiionship.

I can remember no time after the rage subsided where she would apologize for her behavior. It was like it never even transpired in her eyes. Proballly my occupation made me of the beleif that if anything i could handle this. I never really looked at this as an illness until i delved into what could make a person act this way.

[fromheeltoheal]

I can remember no time after the rage subsided where she would apologize for her behavior.

Yes, someone experiencing intense emotions they can't soothe has to vent the steam somehow or they will explode, so out comes the rage, and then the shame for raging and being abusive, too much shame, another intense emotion, the main one since BPD is a shame-based disorder, so compartmentalize, project, distort reality, whatever it then takes to not feel that shame.  Owning up to one event might open a floodgate of shame, so don't go there, ever.

Looking back think i stayed because i thought i could save this woman.

Loving and caring about someone, and be loved and cared for in return, is why we get in relationships, healthy, and then there's a line where caring becomes rescuing, unhealthy.  And think about it: in an adult-to-adult relationship, a partnership of two autonomous individuals, there is no rescuing, there may be helping, supporting, but no rescuing.  A relationship where one partner needs to be rescued is a parent-child relationship, not equal, and to add to the fun, a borderline can overcompensate and take the one-up position, to try and climb out of the one-down position; folks who work with borderlines have said they've never met one who wasn't narcissistic. 

Anyway.  There could be some value in looking at your motivation for rescuing LD, maybe the belief that you need to give, to perform, to be loved, with the underlying belief that you aren't inherently lovable, or maybe the belief that if you give and give she will 'owe' you and not leave, or maybe something else?  Lots of opportunity for growth there, lots of opportunity for turning the experience into a win, something with value in it, something that was supposed to happen so you could grow in directions that support you as you create the life of your dreams, something to think about?  Take care of you!

[Euler2718]

Looking back think i stayed because i thought i could save this woman.[/i][/color]

to add to the fun, a borderline can overcompensate and take the one-up position, to try and climb out of the one-down position; folks who work with borderlines have said they've never met one who wasn't narcissistic. 

can you explain maybe with an example? My BPD was sometimes haughty and condescending when she was in the distancing phase. It was gross to have someone treat me that way. She seemed to have no empathy at those times. Is this what you mean by the narcissistic aspect of it?

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey tim-

Looking back think i stayed because i thought i could save this woman.

to add to the fun, a borderline can overcompensate and take the one-up position, to try and climb out of the one-down position; folks who work with borderlines have said they've never met one who wasn't narcissistic. 

can you explain maybe with an example? My BPD was sometimes haughty and condescending when she was in the distancing phase. It was gross to have someone treat me that way. She seemed to have no empathy at those times. Is this what you mean by the narcissistic aspect of it?[/quote]
Narcissistic is a somewhat loaded term, so let's not use it, let's use 'control'.  Think attachments with borderlines: a borderline must attach to someone to feel whole, a consequence of not having a fully formed 'self' of their own, and once they do, a borderline will fear abandonment constantly, which has nothing to do with the reality of the relationship or their partner, it's a characteristic of the disorder.  And also, since a borderline doesn't have that fully formed self, she will fear getting too close to someone, losing herself, being swallowed up in the other person, engulfment as it's called formally.  So those two opposing fears, abandonment and engulfment, are constantly present, the goal being to straddle the fence between them to keep them at bay and find some bliss, and a common way to do that is be in control of the relationship.  Tools used to do that include berating someone enough to trash their self esteem so they won't leave, while also controlling the emotional distance in the relationship so a borderline won't feel the fear of engulfment.  None of it malicious necessarily, a borderline is just trying to survive like the rest of us, although they're trying to survive with a mental illness that makes things especially difficult.  Help?

[JQ]

Heeltoh,

Looking back think i stayed because i thought i could save this woman. She had a "sh----y childhood, failed relationships and single mom. I'll admit i misses all the red flags. I sent her an email dating back to december 2010 of her behavior and at least once a year since. I think alot of it may have been the way she treated me daughter"severely disabled". This woman s rages are scary and i'll admit i put up with the abuse hoping for the better. In hindsight i shouldve bailed years ago.

Hey LD,

You might already know this, but it's more for the group here ... .that you & & I and pretty much everyone here are codependents. As such we are perfectionist, we are people pleasures, we are the knight in armor protecting others from themselves or others who would do the BPD harm. WE are the Sheriff with the white hat & polished badge riding in to save the BPD from themselves ... .it's all classic codependent behavior ... .and in some way shape or form we've all done it ... .me included.

Would it surprise the group that most codependents aka "care givers" have careers in LAW ENFORCEMENT! hint hint, Military "that one's me", others are therapist, physiologist, Medical Doctors, Nurses, fire fighters, paramedics,  ... .is anyone else seeing a pattern here?  At our core we want to save people ... .in a way it's how we find self worth. 

In the beginning of my relationship with my exBPDgf she told me of her abuse as a child from her older brother & sister, absent mother & father, failed relationships & 2 ex-husbands and all the bad things she accused them of doing like cheating on her, physically abusing her ... .now I'm not so sure it wasn't the other way around. Then as the relationship progressed, she would tell me this ex bf would be a sickly person and would do things, one bf was a drunk, got fired, couldn't find a job, etc. etc. etc. ... .she painted me white as she painted them black. Then she would paint me black and gravitate back to them painting them white. Finally I had enough of the sex triangle and said good bye ... .I haven't look back since.

The more I learned about BPD the more she would check all the boxes again and again on BPD behavior ... .it was a NEVER ENDING cycle. I too sent her email after email telling her of her behavior and how it hurt ... .stung ... .and I was't going to deal with it anymore.  She would call and paint me white several times ... .I think the paint was about an inch thick at times ... .    some humor.  Then when I was back within in her good graces ... .the bad behavior & the triangle would start again ... and the cycle would repeat.

Like you LD, I had enough ... .as a lifer in the military I knew when it was time for new tactics. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over gain expecting a different outcome ... .so goes the life & relationship with someone who has BPD.

It's time to block her phone from text, calls, FB & all other social media ... .but as a 29 year vet of Law Enforcement I'm not telling you anything you don't already know.

Thank you for your service and your families sacrifice for all these years of community policing ... .I for one am grateful for those like you who stand watch in our cities each and everyday !

J

[Lexisdad]

JQ

Thanks again. Tough weekend with daughters bday tomorrow. Ive decided after tomorrow i'm going full nc with my BPDex. It's been torture and not once in 8 weeks any apology or talk of saving this. I gave it 2 months. I dont need several insignificant texts a day from her just to ensure her i'm still here on earth. I gave it my all and she could have had a very nice life. Now that she's made the wine she can drink the cup. I dont ever wanna hear from her again and i live far enough away that i'll most likely never run into her. I'm not on social media so there isnt even a temptation to see how she s doing. In my eyes all she is is someone that i used to know. Thanks again

[JQ]

JQ

Thanks again. Tough weekend with daughters bday tomorrow. Ive decided after tomorrow i'm going full nc with my BPDex. It's been torture and not once in 8 weeks any apology or talk of saving this. I gave it 2 months. I dont need several insignificant texts a day from her just to ensure her i'm still here on earth. I gave it my all and she could have had a very nice life. Now that she's made the wine she can drink the cup. I dont ever wanna hear from her again and i live far enough away that i'll most likely never run into her. I'm not on social media so there isnt even a temptation to see how she s doing. In my eyes all she is is someone that i used to know. Thanks again

LD,

YOU are more then welcome brother ... .you got this and you seem to have crossed that line in the sand ... .those who suffer from BPD mental illness seldom if ever apologize due to their outlook on life ... .you know this. I was some how looking for it too at one point ... .then when I learned that it would most likely never come ... .like you I went total NC and moved on with my life ... .and I'm a much better person for it ... .in a much happier place.

You got this ... .BTW ... .sometimes it helps when I go to the gun range ... .like today ... .something therapeutic about it ... .funny thing ... .when I was going through my PTSD counseling ... .my Ph.d had told me it was a good thing to do ... .who would of ever thought.

I sincerely want to wish your daughter Lexi a very happy birthday!  I want to wish you peace on your continue journey and continued strength you show. Don't make yourself a stranger ... .come back and let me and others know how your doing brother ... .

stay safe

JQ

[Lexisdad]

JQ,

About 3 years ago i bought a vacation home in fla. BPDex has been there twice. Well needless to say this is where i went past 2 weeks. Obviously i can retire with my 29 years. I did some inquiring while i was there regarding employment and it looks like i can transition right into another career in law enforcement. When i returned this week i gave myself until this weekend to hear what i needed to hear from my BPDex. I heard nothing.

With that being said my ex wife had already asked for permission to also move to fla this summer. It is much more conducive with my daughters condition and i consented. That being said this week i will be retiring from my currrent law enforcement job. By next weekend i will have tied all my loose ends up and will be moving. I had planned on retiring when she had the baby to take care of it so she could continue her career. I'm not telling her a thing. We have no more ties, no more connection and the next chapter of my life will begin. I've put my life on hold for this woman and got shafted in return. I owe no one in life anything except my daughter and myself. I'm sure if and when she finds out it will put her in a complete tailspin as tonight i told her my daughters not feeling well to see her tomorrow. She texted that she s not fine with what happened and that she's hurt. It's to late in my book i've reached the point of no return with her.  Thank u buddy

[JQ]

LD,

Having retired from the military 2 yrs ago to AZ ... .I can say I don't miss all the drama, juniors with attitudes, Seniors with attitudes ... .I enjoy having coffee in the morning not rushing to where ever it is that I was needed. I enjoyed the awesome weather!  I enjoyed the laid-back lifestyle ... .I'm much more calmer ... .blood pressure is again normal ... .I'm swinging clubs, walking, enjoying nature, the sun, ... .did I mention the weather ... ..

YOU have certainly earned it brother!  I'm excited for you and Lexi & the new and fun journey you two will share with your ex. You are truly an amazing person!  Enjoy the adult beverages in your Hawaiian shirt ... .one for each day of the week! Enjoy the flip flops or candles ... .enjoy the tropical breeze, sand, sun and surf & fresh squeezed orange juice!  I have no doubt that you will meet someone who is worthy of your kind heart, giving soul. 

Let us know you 2 made it safely to the "sunshine state" ok and that fresh squeezed is better then concentrate!

JQ

JQ

[Lexisdad]

Jq

Brother i'll still need to be right here with everyone else because i've got a long way to go to get over this. I look at it as i was willing to give this woman the world and more. I often told her i believed she had BPD. I would tell her if you can home today and told me you had breast cancer and needed a double masectomy tomorrow do you think i'm walking out on you. Of course i wouldnt! All i asked was to get into therapy and i believe she knows it as well.

You can't force someone to seek treatment unless they want it. I can say that i stayed way longer than i should have, was absolutelly verbally and emotionally abused and all for what. I've discussed my situation with friends and family and they agree that this woman decimated the man they once knew. I spent all evening last night with my brother, a firefighter, and wtc 9/11 survivor. His words were this woman is gonna cost you big time. It's only a matter of time before she physically hurts you or accuses you of something. In turn your gonna risk everything you worked so hard for but especially your reputation. His words resonated thru me and made me realize that no matter how much i love this woman or what i did theres never gonna be a stable relationship. His exact words were " get away from this woman while your still alive,let her be some one elses problem". You know what, he's right let some one else deal with it. Yes, she's a beautiful woman but beauty is only skin deep. Everyone ages, we all get grey or bald, gain weight, boobs sag and so on. Life is to short to live like this.

[JQ]

LD,

We will have more conversations and exchange of ideas & information in the near future. I was right where you were at one point ... .we give all that we have to them but because of the mental / behavioral illness they have it'll never work. Its like I said, "all the kings men & all the kinds horses couldn't put Humpty Dumpty back together again".  My clinical physiologist friend of mine told me those with BPD will be forever broken ... .there isn't anything anyone can do to "fix" them. My exBPDgf is self aware & been going to therapy on and off for 25 plus years ... .LOVE DOES NOT CONQUER all ... .we both had to learn that difficult lesson ... .but the good news is we learned.

You will miss her at times ... .and that's ok ... .you will still love her to some degree ... .and thats ok. But you are on a good path ... .you have a loving family and friends that are true friends looking out for you when you were blinded by things.  You can never put a price on a friendship or family like that. God bless your family and let him keep your brother safe while he protects others.

Your mission / tasking for the immediate future is to have a wonderful retirement!  Organize your move & get settle in Florida with your family to live a safer and fun life. Lord knows you've certainly have earned it.  When you get settled ... .then come back when you want too ... .if you need to check in before then ... .we'll be here for you brother.

Thank you for your nearly 30 years of service and keeping us safe and thank your family for me for their 30 years of sacrifice letting you serve your city & the people who visited.

God speed in your travels LD.

JQ

[Surg_Bear]

I felt horrible after hearing those names. I'm a pretty strong person but i have to be honest i was stripped of all dignity and confidence in myself. Towards the end i couldn't even look at myself in the mirror.

I can totally relate to the experience of not being able to look at myself in the mirror.

My borderline wife said some terrible things about my body, and withheld sex because of it.

I got to the point that I was uncomfortable being naked in my own home, alone in the bathroom. 

I know that everything she said was a projection about the real way she feels about herself, but it was so terribly hurtful to hear these things directed at me.  She is so filled with shame, she felt the need to share with me.  So kind.

I have come a long way since this stuff happened to me, since I stood up for myself, and walked out on our marriage.  I would not accept being married to someone who believes these things to be true.  It might be projection, but she is not aware of the projection (because this is the nature of projection- it comes from the unconscious). 

I can now look at myself in the mirror and see myself as attractive.  I found someone else who feels the same way about me in my nakedness, and this level of validation goes a long way to healing from the vile, inexcusable abuse I have received from my borderline wife.

It is SO abusive to be in a relationship with a borderline.  No amount of validation, SET, and boundaries can insulate from the abuse like detachment does.

I spent 26 years with this person, and day by day, I am leaving the abuse behind.  Now that she sees that I will no longer accept her abuse, she has withdrawn in shame, and is leaving me alone to create the life I deserve- one filled with respect and joy.  Emotional abuse, name-calling, and rage are three things that should never occur- in ANY relationship.  As far as I am concerned, this stuff is as terrible as physical abuse.  The effects on the abused are the same.  Beaten into submission, we accept these things and normalize them.  Pretty soon, we have so little self respect, we can hardly shave the man's face who is looking at us in the mirror.

Maybe that is why I stopped shaving a year ago... .

Free yourself from the demon.

Good luck.

Love,

Surg_Bear

[Ceruleanblue]

Hugs to you. It's funny, but the "tougher" we feel, the more it seems like we think we can put up with this stuff. That doesn't mean we have to though, and it's good to hear you want a better life for yourself. No one deserves to be treated so horribly by someone that is supposed to love them.

My Mom always says "Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone", and "Pretty is, as pretty does". I've had an issue with men wanting to be with me because they think I'm pretty, but that's where the connection ends, they were in some way emotionally unavailable. The most recent being BPDh.

I'm sure your needs were not being met in a lot of ways in this relationship too. You now have a chance to have a full life, alone, or with someone else at some point. Relationships aren't supposed to drag us down, and make us feel like a martyr. I've been there, and am trying to climb my way out. Trying to not be codependent, and stop taking blame that isn't mine. Peace at any price, truly isn't peace.

You are so strong, and your story really encouraged me.

[Lonely_Astro]

JQ

Thanks again. Tough weekend with daughters bday tomorrow. Ive decided after tomorrow i'm going full nc with my BPDex. It's been torture and not once in 8 weeks any apology or talk of saving this. I gave it 2 months. I dont need several insignificant texts a day from her just to ensure her i'm still here on earth. I gave it my all and she could have had a very nice life. Now that she's made the wine she can drink the cup. I dont ever wanna hear from her again and i live far enough away that i'll most likely never run into her. I'm not on social media so there isnt even a temptation to see how she s doing. In my eyes all she is is someone that i used to know. Thanks again

Congrats on your retirement!  It's time to enjoy the retired life, far removed from the drama and headache of a BPD.

I, too, had to listen to all sorts of bs from my ex (diagnosed, meds, DBT).  She never said things to me like yours have but she did call me disordered once, in a round about way.  What I mean was she said she read something in a book she agreed with: disorder attracts disorder.  I directly asked her if she was suggesting I was disordered.  She basically said yes.  I just snickered.  I've been in therapy for awhile and I asked my T if I was disordered... .I was questioning my own behavior/sanity because of my ex.  It turns out, I'm not.  My T said it was normal with those people in a r/s with a BPD to question themselves because of the amount of abide they've been subject to. It's also common for the non to start showing BPD traits, be depressed, etc.

So, carry on and enjoy your "new" life!