Help For Family Members

[Roho]

Hello!  I'm hoping to find some help here.  My nephew (age 40) has BPD, at least that's what he shares with me.  He is on disability and sees a county "therapist" 1X month who basically provides him with medication.  I'm the closest thing he has to a caring mother right now.  We live several states apart and he calls me regularly - increasing lately from once a month to every week and sometimes now more than once each week.  Sometimes he seems almost normal - the way a person suffering from Alzheimers does.  But he obsesses about emotional issues that happened 30 years ago (his dog getting hit by the school bus), wanting to buy an elderly aunt's home, to issues between his grandmother and mother.  He is paranoid, admits he has few friends anymore, "it's so hard for him to go out and do anything" and people just don't understand what his life is like.  He "has no money" but thinks the solution to his problems is buying the home mentioned above because it will be his 401K as he ages.  I try to remain calm when talking to him but am increasingly frustrated because he goes on and on about the same issues every time we chat.  The past call was 2 hours!  Are there materials I can turn to so that I know how to respond to him?  Is there any way to help via these phone calls?  What does he need from me?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hello Roho,



It sounds like your nephew really relies on you and trusts you with his thoughts, feelings, dreams, and concerns. 

It can be somewhat bewildering to us when we hear the same things over and over and references to events from years ago.  My best guess is that he has suffered some trauma related to the school bus incident and that he doesn't know how to move from concern to problem solving when he repeats himself.

What can you do during these phone calls... .validate his feelings.  Sometimes when we feel heard and understood it gives us the opportunity to self soothe.  He may then be able to move from emotional mind towards looking at solutions for his concerns (reasoning skills).  You can help him there too by asking validating questions... .like "what do you think can be done?"  "have you come up with any ideas on how you could buy the house?"

Here is some info to help you get started learning about validation and asking validating questions.

 

COMMUNICATION:  Validation, Stop Invalidating Others

POLL: The Power of asking Validating Questions

Let us know if you need help teasing it out into your particular situation.  We are here to help.

lbj

[livednlearned]

Hi Roho,

I wanted to join lbj in welcoming you to the site 

Your nephew is lucky to have you 

It sounds like you care about him, and also want to establish some boundaries as he increases the frequency of his calls. Are you finding it hard to end the calls?

What a sad story about his dog  :'(

It's a good sign that he knows he has BPD and is willing to share that with you. Unresolved loss can be processed when someone validates how we feel, and it sounds like he has not been able to do this for the past decades of his life (with the sad story of his dog being hit as an example).

Validation is a powerful communication skill that can be easy to apply, though I find myself in practice mode constantly, always trying to hit pause and validate instead of rushing into things to fix and fix and fix. The validating questions link that lbj shared was a game changer for me with my son. I had to learn to let go of two urges: one was to solve everything for him, and the other was to feel frustrated that he had no problem-solving skills. I didn't realize how much I was actually contributing to his learned helplessness by depriving him of the confidence I had in his ability to problem solve.

Let us know if you tried validating your nephew and whether you noticed any changes.

LnL