It took six months for her to leave?

[Scopikaz]

Ok. Was thinking. For those that know the story and those who don't. I made mistakes in my r/s especially early on before she moved in last year.  Main mistake was I had been single for so long and I have female friends and in a couple cases ex interests who I maintained a friendship with. So I was texting them some. She found out. Wanted me to block them on Facebook and my phone. I made an argument out of instead of just doing it. Then a few months later I contacted one of my ex gf again. In fact I was with this woman at the time my exBPD and I met and became involved.

So in May my exBPD found out and I lied about it. I panicked. It wasn't right I know.  Well six months later - six months of her saying I love you. Still seemingly idealizing me.  Good times. A few trips. Painting my house and redcorating the way she wanted etc. six months of her saying i don't want to lose you etc. she left at end of November.

I just don't understand how if she were that heart broken or empty in may why she waited six months to leave.  Six months of pretending she loved me etc.

Is that common. Or when triggered do they leave right away instead of letting it fester.

[Anez]

I just think they're mentally ill and when their brain tells them to go, they go.

[FallBack!Monster]

I agree with Anez

[cosmonaut]

So in May my exBPD found out and I lied about it. I panicked. It wasn't right I know.

I agree that this is where it probably ended.  Once trust is lost in a relationship, it is very difficult to restore.  Many couples aren't able to do it - BPD or not.  Sometimes we hold on in the hope that we can move past these things, and sometimes we can't.  Perhaps her disorder played a role in this, but it's equally probable that it didn't.  Honestly, from what you've said, her behavior doesn't sound particularly irrational or disordered.  There are plenty of non-BPD couples who have been through a similar slow burn.

I'm sorry, man.  I know you miss her.  It's good to reflect on these things, though.  We can't change the past, but we can change right now.

[joeramabeme]

Scopikaz, I read your post and was immediately reminded of a line out of the "Stop caretaking the borderline" book that says;

"The BP can instantaneously change from seeing a loved one as a precious and supportive person to seeing the same loved one as a threatening enemy."  Further in the same paragraph; "the BP sees no reason to apologize or even discuss what happened because as far as the BP is concerned, it never happened or is all in the past".

I think this speaks volumes about the sudden changes that our BP loved ones can make without a moments notice and little to no explanation, never mind an explanation that we will think is rational. 

Further, as a self-proclaimed expert at taking blame, you are trying to rival me in thinking that somehow an action you took 6-months earlier could cause her wild and unpredictable behavior. Just kidding, but seriously, could your behaviors have had an impact on her feelings?  Yes!  However, a person who was able to control their feelings would confront them and inquire (inquire = a healthy dose of 'I should ask before assuming' - scary thing to do if you feel like you don't know what you are doing) as to whether or not they were valid and likewise express their feelings in an effort to move in the direction of being together. 

Sounds like your ex simply checked out one day.  Guessing at what the reason was is akin to guessing why she behaves the way she does at any given moment; Mental illness is probably the best approximation you can make unless she tells you otherwise.

Phew, hang in there man.  It is a tough ride coming out... .

[Fr4nz]

I just think they're mentally ill and when their brain tells them to go, they go.

I agree.

[Fr4nz]

So in May my exBPD found out and I lied about it. I panicked. It wasn't right I know.

I agree that this is where it probably ended.  Once trust is lost in a relationship, it is very difficult to restore.  Many couples aren't able to do it - BPD or not.  Sometimes we hold on in the hope that we can move past these things, and sometimes we can't.  Perhaps her disorder played a role in this, but it's equally probable that it didn't.  Honestly, from what you've said, her behavior doesn't sound particularly irrational or disordered.  There are plenty of non-BPD couples who have been through a similar slow burn.

I'm sorry, man.  I know you miss her.  It's good to reflect on these things, though.  We can't change the past, but we can change right now.

But he did not cheat on her. Also, I don't find wrong to maintain civilized contacts with exes, and if some partner pretend to cut all innocent contacts with exes... .then for me, that partner has issues with jealousy... .

[Scopikaz]

Ok. Someone mentioned maybe she doesn't have BPD. But here are things she did that cause me to think she did:

1.  Married twice and at least one other bad relationship between first and second marriage. 

Doesn't accept blame in any of them. She's the victim and left all of them for different reasons.

2. Lost custody of children from first marriage after having them for two years.  Not totally sure why other than moved allot And I expect poor living choices or partying going on. Again doesn't accept blame. She's victim of bad judge and her ex manipulating system.  And she didn't have good lawyer or represented self.

3. Bad childhood growing up. Feelings of worthlessness from it.  Didn't know biological father.  Mother and step father divorced. Etc. basically abandonment from men and mother was strict and made them feel guilty rand worthless.

4. When we met it was an affair (risky behavior on her part and mine too admittedly)

5.  Very emotional.

6.  Overly jealous (which I contributed to no doubt).  As example she texted a girl I've known 30 years due to jealousy. Told her I was hers and to please back off. The girl is in another state. we are friends and nothing more.

7.  Very needy to point of requiring almost 100 percent attention on her

8.  Very good sexually.

9.  Mentioned suicide a few times when referring to not Having her children. Said if not for them she has nothing to live for and would end it.

10.  Manipulative

11.  Had one rage or meltdown at friends after the incident where I lied about texting the other girl.  I've never witnessed anything like it. It happened publicly at my good friends house.

12.  Self loathing

13. Work relations Also had issues in which she jumped rank. Complained about manager on several occasions.  They weren't sure of her agenda. Mainly complaining about things that couldn't be verified easily etc.

[C.Stein]

But he did not cheat on her.

Cheating is not the only way a persons trust can be betrayed or broken.  I agree with cosmo, once the trust is lost it is extremely difficult to regain it, especially if the person who betrayed the trust doesn't accept responsibility for it and does nothing to repair the damage.

Ok. Someone mentioned maybe she doesn't have BPD. But here are things she did that cause me to think she did:

1.  Married twice and at least one other bad relationship between first and second marriage.  

Doesn't accept blame in any of them. She's the victim and left all of them for different reasons.

2. Lost custody of children from first marriage after having them for two years.  Not totally sure why other than moved allot And I expect poor living choices or partying going on. Again doesn't accept blame. She's victim of bad judge and her ex manipulating system.  And she didn't have good lawyer or represented self.

3. Bad childhood growing up. Feelings of worthlessness from it.  :)idn't know biological father.  Mother and step father divorced. Etc. basically abandonment from men and mother was strict and made them feel guilty rand worthless.

4. When we met it was an affair (risky behavior on her part and mine too admittedly)

5.  Very emotional.

6.  Overly jealous (which I contributed to no doubt).  As example she texted a girl I've known 30 years due to jealousy. Told her I was hers and to please back off. The girl is in another state. we are friends and nothing more.

7.  Very needy to point of requiring almost 100 percent attention on her

8.  Very good sexually.

9.  Mentioned suicide a few times when referring to not Having her children. Said if not for them she has nothing to live for and would end it.

10.  Manipulative

11.  Had one rage or meltdown at friends after the incident where I lied about texting the other girl.  I've never witnessed anything like it. It happened publicly at my good friends house.

12.  Self loathing

13. Work relations Also had issues in which she jumped rank. Complained about manager on several occasions.  They weren't sure of her agenda. Mainly complaining about things that couldn't be verified easily etc.

Some of these could be BPD related and some(most) are not IMO.   Have you asked yourself why does it matter?  

For me it matters because the alternative is my ex is just a bad person which is something I don't want to accept.  

[FannyB]

My ex was a quiet 'acting-in' type who didn't like confrontation. She told me that she had a 'filing-cabinet' in her mind where she stored things that hurt her. Once the cabinet was full - you were history. I'm sure yours hadn't forgiven nor forgotten your indiscretion and that the straw that ultimately broke the camel's back was probably something quite innocuous. 

However, what if you could turn back time Scopikaz - and you erased the error you made. Do you think you'd live happily ever after? Of course not - with a borderline you get to play emotional Russian Roulette. Sooner or later that gun's gonna go off whatever you do. Who the hell wants to live like that? They have no choice - but we do. Be thankful she set you free to find a less tumultuous path to happiness!


Fanny

[Scopikaz]

That's what I keep thinking too. What was the inevitable  outcome going to be?  It potentially could have been so much worse.  I don't know.

[Dutched]

Scopikaz

I am sorry for you, really you can’t rationalize that behaviour.

It is our nature to rationalize, however you have to get your emotional mind aligned with your rational mind.

There is nothing wrong with that, it is even a healthy process.

That takes time and as a saying here go’s: a hart that once loved, will remember that love. 

The behaviour you witnessed in your ex was: a close bond, being cold as ice, sincere, lies, love, hate and all of that in a moment.

Like Alice asked the Rabbit:

Alice: how long is forever?

Rabbit: sometimes a moment.

As FannyB brings up. What will be your live in case of. As you replied, ‘that’s what I keep thinking too’…

Take a moment to look back and see how far you are already detached, you will surprise yourself.