Am I using BPD as an excuse?

[Lou12]

So after minimal contact from my BPDbf for a few weeks I get a crisis call a few days ago.

His world is falling apart, he feels incredibly down and he wants me to drop everything and get to him right away! (Plus many other words along the same lines)

He couldn't have contacted me at the worse time. There was no way I could get to him until the following day without causing a huge amount of disruption to my children's day. I wasn't prepared to do that.

After 3 phone calls for a large amount of time I managed to calm him down and told him I would be there with him the very next day.

I turned lots of things around at home, cancelled some plans I had and arranged to go the next morning.

The next morning comes and I message him to let him know what time I would arrive! Low and behold... .total transformation and he's got other plans and now doesn't want me to come.

I was furious but handled the situation I think rather well.

I explained that I had changed numerous plans and with a little sarcasm said 'well thank you for doing that' enjoy your day. I could have been a lot worse but there was no way I could validate what he had done.

Can anyone shed any light on what may have occurred here? I thought that maybe he was ashamed of his previous day's behaviour?

I do feel like he feels incredibly against needing me in anyway and telling me how he truly feels(unless in crisis) leaves him to vulnerable.

The issue I have at the moment is that I feel very used. Well actually I don't! My friends tell me I am being used. Picked up and put down, pushed and pulled and that his actions indicate that he doesn't really care for me.

I on the other hand see behind that mask. I tend not to consider his words to much as they fluctuate but I can tell that he cares for me greatly when we are together and I'm fully aware that his love is more of a 'need' type love rather than a healthy love and this I accept.

I worry sometimes that I am using his BPD as a cover for myself to let him away with more behaviours. Does anyone else feel this way? Am I using BPD to cover for him? Is this wrong of me or is this the reality of the situation?

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[Notwendy]

I think the larger question here is about you, and what boundaries you wish to have.

My mother w BPD has had these "crisis" calls over situations. I think for my mother, the "crisis" was what was going on with her emotionally- her abandonment fears. If she had a "crisis" and I came running, then this helped her deal with them. In addition, my dropping everything to come running was reinforcing this . It was working for her.

But it came at a "cost" to me. I have kids and responsibilities. To come at the last minute meant arranging child care, changing plans. I realized that for my own sanity, I had to have some boundaries.

I had to think of my kids and my responsibilities. I really did feel torn, but I had to decide that I could not drop everything at a moments notice. The personal cost to me was also sadness that I would miss some times that my parents ( who were getting older) did me and I would want to help. But to be available at a moments notice would require me to relinquish my family responsibilities and I could not do that.

What I think happened with your Bf is that, there may have been an external reason that triggered his feelings- but what happened was that your Bf's crisis was about fear and abandonment. At this moment, he was in real emotional crisis. He was likely feeling pure panic when he called you, like he just couldn't continue for one more second without knowing you were there. Then, when you arranged to be there, his panic was solved and so was his need for you to actually come.

So, the question is really about you. How much of this can you do for him? If he really needs help- what other resources are there?  He may resist getting the help he needs locally because he thinks, if he did, that you would not come running and he would feel abandoned. The other possibility you must face is that, if you don't come running, he may need you and you wouldn't be there.

This is a tug, between his needs and yours. The issue is really for you. He can tug all he wants to and he has no reason not to. It isn't about using you, or doing this maliciously. When he is in emotional pain, all he wants in the moment is relief from it. And you relieved it by arranging to come. The cost is to you- your life, your needs, your responsibility. But whose responsibility is it to take care of his emotional pain? His, and by doing it, you become his rescuer. You can do this, but at a cost to you. There is also a cost to deciding that you can not do this. He may not like it and you may not be there at times he needs help. This comes down to a real choice: your needs or his.

[Notwendy]

As to being used. I don't think that the pwBPD in their crisis is thinking about using someone in the sense of consciously taking advantage of them, or wanting to disrupt their lives. I do think ( and this is my opinion ) that in the moment, they are seeking relief for their emotional pain and so are using the other person for pain relief in a way that people would use alcohol, drugs, or any other addiction to get relief- and so in that sense, the term "using" applies.  This kind of using isn't an attempt to hurt the alcohol or drugs, or other person,  or even about them ,but the focus is on the emotional pain and getting relief.

But if we jump in as rescuers, then it can be said that we are doing the same thing. Are we using this "crisis" for relief of our own abandonment fears, to feel needed ,for the security of being a rescuer? Because if we really think about it, this kind of thing transports us out of our own reality, gets us emotional and so, is an escape for us, as well as an emotional rush. People can get an addiction to their own emotional highs and so getting into a crisis style interaction can have a payoff for both sides.

I am not talking about the occasional situation where people do drop everything, but a pattern of emotional crisis- relief- crisis-relief that in itself serves both parties on an emotional level. This pattern invites drama and is tempting to people with rescuer tendencies. Ironically, that can lead to the rescuer abandoning others, including themselves. Yes, we can abandon yourself and others- when we disregard our needs and commitments to rescue someone. We can also "rescue" ourselves when we manage our own fears of abandonment by being the rescuer. We "use" this to relieve our own fears in a similar way that the person with BPD can "use" us to relieve theirs.

Stepping out of this pattern can be a challenge as it can feel uncomfortable for both partners.

[Lou12]

Lol Notwendy I think you have just described the whole dynamic of our relationship to a tee.

Unfortunately my bf is not in therapy and says he doesn't need it  I suppose what I believe in my heart is that if I don't rescue him he will find someone who will and I'll be dropped.

I think I done the right thing in not dropping everything there and then and running to him. I did assure him and give lots of validation on the telephone and he did totally calm down after he knew I was there for him. But that was the problem he then discarded me when he calmed down hence my fear that if I'm not there for him there and then he won't want me anymore! Is this likely the case with a BPD?

If a situation arises like this again, how would you handle it? Please bare in mind that I really don't want to lose my bf but I am willing to do what it takes.

Thanks notwendy the above reply was really invaluable to me

[Lou12]

With regards to the boundary question... .I am not sure how I see my boundaries here if I am honest. My thinking is... if I can be there at a drop of a hat I will be but not when it comes to making my children have huge disruption. I've explained this to him before.

[Notwendy]

Lou, I think the key to this is this :

I suppose what I believe in my heart is that if I don't rescue him he will find someone who will and I'll be dropped.



I think this is a fear that many of us share in one way or another, and there are different ways of stepping into rescuer mode on the triangle.

In my case, my fear was anger. I was afraid of my parents being angry at me. I WOE around my H to try to keep him from being angry at me. Sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn't, but my FEAR was greater than the COST of being a rescuer.

Somewhere along the way, if we hit a point where the emotional cost of being a rescuer is greater than the fear, we get motivated to change. This doesn't necessarily  mean the fear goes away. In the case of my parents, the emotional cost of pleasing and rescuing them had me so emotionally distraught I didn't feel I was at my best for my kids. This hit a boundary for me. A boundary is a value so important to us that if we compromise it, we feel distress. They can be different for different people. That boundary was the well being of my children and so this became a motivator to deal with dysfunction.

Yes, at one point I also feared my H would replace me with someone and she would get all that wonderful side of him. Then I learned about the nature of relationships and how we match our partners in the dysfunctional dance. I realized that if he chose to replace me, then that person would  likely fill the same role, and also that the same thing would likely happen to me if I did that. We take our own dysfunctional relationship styles with us and are attracted and attract others who fit it. This, then became a huge motivator to work on myself.  If I focused on my contribution to the drama triangle, I could work on that and hopefully the relationship would be better for it.

This is probably the hard part to face: when we change, the people connected to us will not feel as comfortable with us at first, because we have interrupted the familiar and comfortable ( even if it has its stressful moments) patterns that match us. This is where the lessons and how to do this are important, because if we don't know what to do, the tendency is to do more of the dysfunction- withdraw, rather than pursue, or get on the triangle and play the role of persecutor or victim instead of rescuer.

When we make changes, we have to face our fears as the outcome is unknown. The truth is, the other person always has the choice to leave if they don't like the changes.  The other risk we take is that, if we do the work, we may not see the relationship in the same light. The payoff for staying in our role as rescuers is that it does work in a way and is predictable, even if there is an emotional cost. I only know that at one point, that cost was high enough for me to take that risk of an unknown result.

Then, there is a long term perspective and the pros and cons that are individual to us. At first, my H didn't like the changes and it was rough, but now, there is less conflict. My parents were furious and basically disowned me, but now, I have a better relationship with my mother ( dad is deceased) than I did before. When I say better, I mean less drama, less feeling emotionally trampled, and also I don't get into these triggering high conflict situations. It is always a work in progress which involves an unknown. I basically have traded a familiar, predictable situation for one that is not to me as it means learning new behaviors.

[unicorn2014]

Wow, that's deep! I actually saw your subject in the list and was going to take a look at it. I can totally relate to what you're saying here. So I would take this to the next step, if you are using BPD as an excuse, then what?