saw my her by accident, feeling confused now..

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So, I haven't seen my uxBPDgf for almost 3 months now. I've stayed true to being NC. She discarded me pretty badly stating that  - "I've erased your phone number please don't contact me again". She also said "... that knowing me has caused her to feel badly about herself, and who she is and that being in a relationship with me has caused her to do things that are out of character for her ... "

So, yesterday, quite randomly a friend and myself where walking into get dinner a local place she was on the patio talking with her girlfriend... the place was kind empty and as i reach for the door, we locked eyes and she smiled SO BRIGHTLY and waved at me charmingly.

So, today I'm feeling confused; its brought up all these new feelings and questions.

For something who claims all these bad things I did towards her - Why did she not seem mean? Why did she wave at me first, cause i was staring at her? Why did she smile?... and not look away... afterall, I'm this 'horrible person -right'? IS she with somebody new and is happy and strong? I'm back on the dang "WHY" train!. Just when i was making progress...

Though i know its wrong, I have this overwhelming feeling to reach out today and email her say how great it was to see her, and that she seems to be in better space. And ask about how she's doing... Not to bring up the past (of course ) but to move forward and see if she painted me white again... And to see if we can have LC?

What to do!

[Mars22]

So, I haven't seen my uxBPDgf for almost 3 months now. I've stayed true to being NC. She discarded me pretty badly stating that  - "I've erased your phone number please don't contact me again". She also said "... that knowing me has caused her to feel badly about herself, and who she is and that being in a relationship with me has caused her to do things that are out of character for her ... "

So, yesterday, quite randomly a friend and myself where walking into get dinner a local place she was on the patio talking with her girlfriend... the place was kind empty and as i reach for the door, we locked eyes and she smiled SO BRIGHTLY and waved at me charmingly.

So, today I'm feeling confused; its brought up all these new feelings and questions.

For something who claims all these bad things I did towards her - Why did she not seem mean? Why did she wave at me first, cause i was staring at her? Why did she smile?... and not look away... afterall, I'm this 'horrible person -right'? IS she with somebody new and is happy and strong? I'm back on the dang "WHY" train!. Just when i was making progress...

Though i know its wrong, I have this overwhelming feeling to reach out today and email her say how great it was to see her, and that she seems to be in better space. And ask about how she's doing... Not to bring up the past (of course ) but to move forward and see if she painted me white again... And to see if we can have LC?

What to do!

[C.Stein]

She also said "... that knowing me has caused her to feel badly about herself, and who she is and that being in a relationship with me has caused her to do things that are out of character for her ... "

Sounds like something my ex would say now.

Who knows why she acted that way.  Perhaps she has "forgotten" all the things she blamed you for.

What would be the purpose for LC?  :)o you think it could be enough for you to take this at face value and be happy she doesn't hate you?

[Mars22]

She also said "... that knowing me has caused her to feel badly about herself, and who she is and that being in a relationship with me has caused her to do things that are out of character for her ... "

Sounds like something my ex would say now.

Who knows why she acted that way.  Perhaps she has "forgotten" all the things she blamed you for.

What would be the purpose for LC?  :)o you think it could be enough for you to take this at face value and be happy she doesn't hate you?

Is that what happens C.Stein ? - They forget that easily? I'm left in a crumbing pile of despair, going to Therapy for the first time in my life... and they just Forget?  

I guess my wanting, not so much LC but my desire it's 2 fold:

#1. to test the waters

#2. to see if she has painted me white again.

I'm just left wondering if she was generally happy to see me I guess... she could still hate me. And at that cause, why do even care at this point.

As mentioned, this has got me so confused today. I guess I would have rather she scowled and looked away from me. Instead she was happy and smiling at me... and I'm left here STILL healing and sad.

[C.Stein]

Is that what happens C.Stein ? - They forget that easily? I'm left in a crumbing pile of despair, going to Therapy for the first time in my life... and they just Forget?  

I don't think it is so much as she actually forgot, but rather it was all compartmentalized and shoved into some dark corner of her psyche where it does not intrude upon her conscious mind that often.

I guess my wanting, not so much LC but my desire it's 2 fold:

#1. to test the waters

#2. to see if she has painted me white again.

I'm just left wondering if she was generally happy to see me I guess... she could still hate me. And at that cause, why do even care at this point.

As mentioned, this has got me so confused today. I guess I would have rather she scowled and looked away from me. Instead she was happy and smiling at me... and I'm left here STILL healing and sad.

Why? (see bold)

[Mars22]

... to see if we can actually get along now? See eye to eye... to get in a better place eventually?

[FallBack!Monster]

So, I haven't seen my uxBPDgf for almost 3 months now. I've stayed true to being NC. She discarded me pretty badly stating that  - "I've erased your phone number please don't contact me again". She also said "... that knowing me has caused her to feel badly about herself, and who she is and that being in a relationship with me has caused her to do things that are out of character for her ... "

So, yesterday, quite randomly a friend and myself where walking into get dinner a local place she was on the patio talking with her girlfriend... the place was kind empty and as i reach for the door, we locked eyes and she smiled SO BRIGHTLY and waved at me charmingly.

So, today I'm feeling confused; its brought up all these new feelings and questions.

For something who claims all these bad things I did towards her - Why did she not seem mean? Why did she wave at me first, cause i was staring at her? Why did she smile?... and not look away... after all, I'm this 'horrible person -right'? IS she with somebody new and is happy and strong? I'm back on the dang "WHY" train!. Just when i was making progress...

Though i know its wrong, I have this overwhelming feeling to reach out today and email her say how great it was to see her, and that she seems to be in better space. And ask about how she's doing... Not to bring up the past (of course ) but to move forward and see if she painted me white again... And to see if we can have LC?

What to do!

Just like us, so called normal folks... .we sometimes say things when we are mad and after we are done feeling in rage, it's like in the past.  I smile from a pwBPD can leave you perplexed.  I saw my exPBD and as usual we always share at least one good laugh before we leave from each other, even if the visit is short.

Don"t study every move. It will drive you insane.

[C.Stein]

... to see if we can actually get along now? See eye to eye... to get in a better place eventually?

So what has changed?  Why would she be any different now than she was 3 months ago?  What place do you expect to get too other than right back where you were before?

[FallBack!Monster]

... to see if we can actually get along now? See eye to eye... to get in a better place eventually?

So what has changed?  Why would she be any different now than she was 3 months ago?  What place do you expect to get too other than right back where you were before?

Ask yourself... .was it good when it was good? and are you willing to?  or do you just want out.  if that's what you want... .maybe stop overthingking

[Mars22]

... to see if we can actually get along now? See eye to eye... to get in a better place eventually?

So what has changed?  Why would she be any different now than she was 3 months ago?  What place do you expect to get too other than right back where you were before?

Well. for starters, she *seemed* happy to see me. That has changed from 3 months ago... .compared to the ending where she calling me D*&k! and slamming the phone down on me?

I guess my expectations are to not trigger her if i reach out.

[Mars22]

... to see if we can actually get along now? See eye to eye... to get in a better place eventually?

So what has changed?  Why would she be any different now than she was 3 months ago?  What place do you expect to get too other than right back where you were before?

Ask yourself... .and are you willing to?  or do you just want out.  if that's what you want... .maybe stop overthinking

Hey AudB73... it was good when it was good.  I will add , she was "quiet borderline " so, she wasn't that abusive per say, she just was always so down on herself and could not express herself well when she was mad... But, ST is abusive too...   I'm sorry - what do you mean.?.  "maybe stop overthinking?"  The confusion for me is, she seemed happy, unlike she was the last we spoke. So, I'm seeing this as a possible beginning point to reach out and see how she is... Am i white again?

[C.Stein]

Well. for starters, she *seemed* happy to see me. That has changed from 3 months ago... .compared to the ending where she calling me D*&k! and slamming the phone down on me?

I guess my expectations are to not trigger her if i reach out.

I think you might be expecting too much here.  I can totally see my ex seeming "happy" to see me and at the same time wanting nothing to do with me.  I caution you to not leap to conclusions here and make this into something it isn't.  IMO, I wouldn't give this any meaning other than a friendly acknowledgement.  If she wants further contact she knows where to reach you.

[Cardinals in Flight]

Something similar has happened to me in the last day or so.  Unexpected "bringing up of the name" of my xBPDg/f.  I'm anxious and teary eyed, I am the one who put the period at the end of the sentence this time and now I'm all over the place.

I'm happy for the first time in a couple of years, mostly relaxed and enjoying a new, easy, relaxed dating relationship. 

WTH?  I spent almost 6 years with this person, came here long ago to learn how to better cope, know that recycles turn out poorly for the most part and yet today? if she were to walk in the room I'd probably run to embrace her... .

To ground myself? I think back to the last recycle from two years ago when I also began dating, and how she showed up in my life saying, "I don't want to ruin anything you have going on with anyone else" and well? sleeping with me knowing I do not sleep with more than one person at time.

Those few weeks where everything was perfect, isn't really worth all of the sadness, and the realization that love isn't really enough.  I love her still, deeply, but I cannot be with her.

Going away tomorrow and I'm glad, I need the break and quiet reflection to center myself once again and know that I am doing the right thing.

Hang on Mars22, try and just process completely what you are thinking, be brutally honest with yourself.

Peace,

CiF

[Meili]

Soo, what if you are white again right now? Does that mean that you'll remain that way?

What if you do see eye-to-eye right now? Do you think that it will stay that way?

I think that the more telling thing here is that she hasn't contacted you, apologized for what she did, explained why she did it, explained what she is doing to change the behavior, and backed it all up with action.

I can only imagine how intoxicated and elated I would feel if I saw my x and she were to smile at me. I am certain that my heart would skip a beat and I'd be wanting nothing more than to run over to her and profess my undying love for her. Of course, all of that would happen without a single thought to the pain that I suffered at her hands. The first time that things got tense, I would be triggered and start to believe that nothing has changed and things would go right back to where they were. If it wasn't me that got triggered, it would be my x and the end result would be the same.

So, my advice to you is to look past the smile and at the totality of the circumstances. Has she does what you need her to in order for you to truly feel safe and trust that things won't go right back to where they were before? Are you willing to risk that based only on a smile in passing?

[Mars22]

Something similar has happened to me in the last day or so.  Unexpected "bringing up of the name" of my xBPDg/f.  I'm anxious and teary eyed, I am the one who put the period at the end of the sentence this time and now I'm all over the place.

I'm happy for the first time in a couple of years, mostly relaxed and enjoying a new, easy, relaxed dating relationship. 

WTH?  I spent almost 6 years with this person, came here long ago to learn how to better cope, know that recycles turn out poorly for the most part and yet today? if she were to walk in the room I'd probably run to embrace her... .

To ground myself? I think back to the last recycle from two years ago when I also began dating, and how she showed up in my life saying, "I don't want to ruin anything you have going on with anyone else" and well? sleeping with me knowing I do not sleep with more than one person at time.

Those few weeks where everything was perfect, isn't really worth all of the sadness, and the realization that love isn't really enough.  I love her still, deeply, but I cannot be with her.

Going away tomorrow and I'm glad, I need the break and quiet reflection to center myself once again and know that I am doing the right thing.

Hang on Mars22, try and just process completely what you are thinking, be brutally honest with yourself.

Peace,

CiF

Thank you for sharing your feelings CIF. This is hard for me because, she NEVER would reach out to try and resolve issues between us. But, I feel like she always enjoyed and wanted me to run after her ... It's like I had to prove my love by being the one to try and make sense of things for us. So, I guess while I see she is happy to see me (compared to the discard 3 months ago) I see and opening where I can perhaps say hello, and keep it neutral and light ... She if she can actaully have an adult engagement?

That's all I want to see.

[Cardinals in Flight]

I can also relate, it was ALWAYS me to reach out after an extended Silent Treatment, usually because I directly asked for something as small as "please hold me", or "please hold my hand".

There comes a time I guess where you have to stop, and you aren't done until your'e done.

If love were the answer?  I'd still be all in, this is difficult... .

If you are in any way shape or form moving forward and feeling better? I'd let it go that you saw her, as difficult as that would be to do.  There is no real friendship, as it's always unequal, unbalanced and all about their needs and wants.  We are better than just "crumbs" to be had.

Hugs.

Peace

CiF

[once removed]

hi Mars22  

it sounds like seeing her, and her reaction triggered a lot of anxiety and ruminating. i imagine id feel very similar to you how you are feeling right now.

heres the thing: trial and error has taught me two things. the first is that its usually best not to act out of anxiety. second, those feelings of anxiety will pass, and settle. things are raw, it hasnt been long (in the grand scheme of things 3 months are not a long time), so each incident, each trigger, it all tends to feel and seem 'bigger' and more urgent than it is - it will pass. think of it this way: if you wind up reaching out, which you always have the ability to do, a day from now, a week from now, a month from now, wont make much of a difference, except that youll be in a better place with a clearer head - or you will no longer feel like reaching out.  

give yourself permission to give it some time, and hang in there.

[myself]

Mars22, perhaps some of the following may apply/ be helpful:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

Looking more into any that ring true for you will keep you moving forward.

[Mars22]

Mars22, perhaps some of the following may apply/ be helpful:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

Looking more into any that ring true for you will keep you moving forward.

I have read all that very early on in this journey. In fact, that very article is what introduced me to these forums.

hi Mars22  

it sounds like seeing her, and her reaction triggered a lot of anxiety and ruminating. i imagine id feel very similar to you how you are feeling right now.

heres the thing: trial and error has taught me two things. the first is that its usually best not to act out of anxiety. second, those feelings of anxiety will pass, and settle. things are raw, it hasnt been long (in the grand scheme of things 3 months are not a long time), so each incident, each trigger, it all tends to feel and seem 'bigger' and more urgent than it is - it will pass. think of it this way: if you wind up reaching out, which you always have the ability to do, a day from now, a week from now, a month from now, wont make much of a difference, except that youll be in a better place with a clearer head - or you will no longer feel like reaching out.  

give yourself permission to give it some time, and hang in there.

Once removed, yes, perhaps you are right. I am anxious bit seeing her again. And seeing her happy. I am ruminating... these are in fact triggers. I feel like I'm back to square one here now. The only difference is that it feels like she can engage with me now 'cause she was seemingly happy to see me... when i know, she probably wasn't, won't or can't... .I'm being delusional.

I can also relate, it was ALWAYS me to reach out after an extended Silent Treatment, usually because I directly asked for something as small as "please hold me", or "please hold my hand".

There comes a time I guess where you have to stop, and you aren't done until your'e done.

If love were the answer?  I'd still be all in, this is difficult... .

If you are in any way shape or form moving forward and feeling better? I'd let it go that you saw her, as difficult as that would be to do.  There is no real friendship, as it's always unequal, unbalanced and all about their needs and wants.  We are better than just "crumbs" to be had.

Hugs.

Peace

CiF

Your right CID... being with her was always one-sided, unbalanced and unequal. We are better than the crumbs they give us...

I know what i have do to but, last night w/o any sleep and now today I feel I've been setback in my healing... I can'y understand why this is so tough for me...

Soo, what if you are white again right now? Does that mean that you'll remain that way?

What if you do see eye-to-eye right now? Do you think that it will stay that way?

I think that the more telling thing here is that she hasn't contacted you, apologized for what she did, explained why she did it, explained what she is doing to change the behavior, and backed it all up with action.

I can only imagine how intoxicated and elated I would feel if I saw my x and she were to smile at me. I am certain that my heart would skip a beat and I'd be wanting nothing more than to run over to her and profess my undying love for her. Of course, all of that would happen without a single thought to the pain that I suffered at her hands. The first time that things got tense, I would be triggered and start to believe that nothing has changed and things would go right back to where they were. If it wasn't me that got triggered, it would be my x and the end result would be the same.

So, my advice to you is to look past the smile and at the totality of the circumstances. Has she does what you need her to in order for you to truly feel safe and trust that things won't go right back to where they were before? Are you willing to risk that based only on a smile in passing?

I guess I really have no real desire to BE in contact very much at all really... its more about just seeing how she doing now, keeping it light and ending our conversation in a better way then it was. But, i guess I'll always want more from her. To ignore the white elephant in the room would be tough I can imagine. I sway from being compassionate to being angry. When I though i was past most of this.

[FallBack!Monster]

Now I am confused... .

Yesterday, ex called me.  Asked if I could bring over something she left at my house. I didn't notice the text until this morning but I didn't reply until my lunch at 1:30 pm, the next day. 

1:30 pm... .

Me: I will bring it to you today after work

ex: (nothing)

6:30 pm... .

Me: Can I drop it off around 8:00 pm?

ex: (nothing)

7:00 pm... .

Me: Do you still want it

ex: WOW! there you go

   

7:10 pm... .

Me: What are you talking about?... .WOW What?... .There you go what?

7:25 pm

ex: Did you ask me if I still wanted it because I didn't respond right away?

Me: No! I asked because I text you at 1:30 pm and got no reply. Thats not right away.

ex: (nothing at all after that)

END OF TEXTING SESSION.

For those who might be wondering... .no I did not take it to her. I didn't do it to be spiteful. I didn't because I WAS CONFUSED. 

[sweet tooth]

Mars, I know exactly how you feel. I was also told not to contact me ex again, and I haven't (although I suspect she is harassing me). This would also confuse me very much. Good luck.

[Mars22]

Mars, I know exactly how you feel. I was also told not to contact me ex again, and I haven't (although I suspect she is harassing me). This would also confuse me very much. Good luck.

Hey Sweet tooth. Its been tough today. yes.

[sweet tooth]

Mars, I know exactly how you feel. I was also told not to contact me ex again, and I haven't (although I suspect she is harassing me). This would also confuse me very much. Good luck.

Hey Sweet tooth. Its been tough today. yes.

I can think of a few possibilities why she acted that way:

1. To save face in front of your friend: Maybe she wants to appear cordial around other people to hide her true nature. You've already seen this nature during the discard. You are no longer fooled. Others, however, are a different story.

2. Control: It's possible that it was a deliberate ploy to confuse you. This gives her the "upper hand" so to speak.

3. Confusion: Maybe she was caught off guard as much as you were and she didn't know how to appropriately respond.

This is all 100% speculation on my part. Nobody is capable of knowing what she was feeling with the exception of herself, and with a person who has BPD even that is iffy.

Are you hoping for a reconciliation? In my opinion, a discard where somebody insists that you do not contact them again is especially cruel. It's like saying, "you are now my enemy" or worse, "you no longer matter at all."

[Mars22]

Mars, I know exactly how you feel. I was also told not to contact me ex again, and I haven't (although I suspect she is harassing me). This would also confuse me very much. Good luck.

Hey Sweet tooth. Its been tough today. yes.

I can think of a few possibilities why she acted that way:

1. To save face in front of your friend: Maybe she wants to appear cordial around other people to hide her true nature. You've already seen this nature during the discard. You are no longer fooled. Others, however, are a different story.

2. Control: It's possible that it was a deliberate ploy to confuse you. This gives her the "upper hand" so to speak.

3. Confusion: Maybe she was caught off guard as much as you were and she didn't know how to appropriately respond.

This is all 100% speculation on my part. Nobody is capable of knowing what she was feeling with the exception of herself, and with a person who has BPD even that is iffy.

Are you hoping for a reconciliation? In my opinion, a discard where somebody insists that you do not contact them again is especially cruel. It's like saying, "you are now my enemy" or worse, "you no longer matter at all."

Hey ST - Yes, all these are a possibilities... Truth is, she has 'lost it' before in front of my friend in the past. And I'm sure she full well knows I told everything she has done. Also, It was odd because I was looking at her and was certainly not smiling. So, yes perhaps she was 'saving face' but, one will never really know.

I told my T what happened and he said that. It was odd she did not go stone and look away, especially after given all the things she claimed I did to you her; or made her feel. If somebody has truly harmed you emotionally and is a horrible person to you, would you show them any kind of warmth in anyway? Yeah, most of us wouldn't. Or, at very best would NOT glow a smile towards you 'abuser'.  There would be no saving face. He feels she is 'pulling' me back by with her actions. Its up to me whether I want to take the bait and reach back out to her. Thats what i'm struggling with now.

[sweet tooth]

Mars, bare with me since I've been drinking all afternoon. I apologize if this is incoherent.

Maybe she is trying to suck you back in. It's up to you if you want to re-engage. I would just remind you of how horribly this person treated you, and how she had the potential to treat you that way again. These people are severely mentally ill. They're delusional. My dad has been in the mental health field for 40 years. He said he's seen BPDs become truly psychotic when he worked in the psyche ward. Keep that in mind before you make any decisions.

[myself]

Is she pulling you in or are you pushing yourself in that direction?

[Mars22]

Is she pulling you in or are you pushing yourself in that direction?

myself - It could be a combo of both. She's Pulling me in by looking like the sweet girl she was when i first met her. I really didn;t expect her to initiate the wave. Granted, she could have been laughing in the conversation with her friend but, when we locked eyes, she was smiling bright and waved. kinda a cute wave actually. So, thats questionable in my book. Has my T said - if somebody 'wronged you' you dont throw them a warm friendly wave. It was very inviting to say the least. In a mature breakup, that act would have invited a conversation. Its a friendly signal... .To me it says ." Hey, its you... come on over and say hi...  kinda like nothing ever happened between us... "  so odd these ppl.

Am I going in that direction?. Yes, perhaps i am. Do I want to be on better footing wit her? I do. And its very tempting to reach out and say "Hey, great seeing you the other day. You look well and a happy... " How are you?"...  See what i mean? NOW, if she seemed mean and looked away and didn't even acknowledge me?... I'd say that's still keeping the conversation AND contact CLOSED. Actions being what they are.

Mars, bare with me since I've been drinking all afternoon. I apologize if this is incoherent.

Maybe she is trying to suck you back in. It's up to you if you want to re-engage. I would just remind you of how horribly this person treated you, and how she had the potential to treat you that way again. These people are severely mentally ill. They're delusional. My dad has been in the mental health field for 40 years. He said he's seen BPDs become truly psychotic when he worked in the psyche ward. Keep that in mind before you make any decisions.

Sweet tooth -  I agree with you. My T agrees, my own research has taught me to agree with your dad. But, we always feel perhaps that our situation is different. That our experience with our pwBPD can be better. Its a very powerful draw (as we know). Its the mythology of Mermaid Siren call... saying... " Look at my alluring beauty, come closer and get me... come closer the dangerous rocks... "