Can they snap out of dysregulation because of "survival" instinct?

[mitti]

Hello,

Excuse the subject heading, felt unsure how to describe this. And sorry if this is a more general question regarding BPD. It is very specific to my current circumstances though those circumstances are not important for the question.

When you know that you have protected them to the point where if you revealed the truth their whole world would come crushing down, they would look like an idiot to everybody and they would probably lose everything that is important to them, does anybody have any experience, that when faced with this potential damage a sort of survival instinct would kick in and they would realise it and see the potential damage to themselves and flip out of dysregulation and become more reasonable?

I am finding myself in a situation where however I decide to act, if my uBPDxbf refuses to see reason, it will probably ruin a lot of things for him. Also for me, but my life will be affected even more if I don't do anything. He is already dysregulated and I am split black.

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[sweetheart]

Hi mitti,

The short answer is 'no' even when everything is on the line survival instinct does not kick in. The boards here are full of people and relationships where everything as been lost because of emotionally dysregulated behaviours. It is not something that can be switched off.

Here is a link about dysregulations which covers why it can't just stop https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stop-walking-eggshells/201203/why-you-walk-eggshells-BPD-emotional-dysregulation

Of course pwBPD can and do sometimes learn skills to manage and moderate their moods and behaviours, but this takes time and commitment.

I can hear that you are very concerned about your exbf and that must be a very difficult place to be when you can see what might be lost and exposed, but he cannot. This of course is also part of the illness, often a lot of BPD behaviours are unconscious defences against a world that they feel under attack from. It is a devastating pervasive illness.

It is important that you are safe and that if there are others at risk including your exbf then this informs part of any decision you make. It sounds hard.

It will also be important that you are aware that risks may increase, so how can you protect yourself and who is there for support for your xbf in the event that his/your situation deteriorates ?

[mitti]

Thank you sweetheart,

No, I have never seen him not react but sometimes he flips out of it quickly when he realises that he will lose something important. Like his first dysregulations over the first few years we were together. When he saw my reactions to them he would get so scared of losing me over it that he almost at once flipped back. I suppose the fear of losing something valued forever became greater than whatever fear/pain caused the tantrum. Now he is not scared of losing me, but there is something else he might be scared of losing. And I have to write to him today and tell him some truths about this situation.

Yesterday, I wrote to him about the same issue trying to clear something up. I kind of knew he would fly into a rage about it. Now I have to just tell it the way it is. And then act. He has good job with lots or responsibility so it is not like he doesn't know know sense. What he has been doing in this situation is to be manipulative because he wants what he wants without having to be responsible about it.

I am not under any physical threat from him. I am trying to protect and clean my reputation. The smear campaign that he started years ago and resumes from time to time has really damaged my reputation and he has involved himself deeply within my social circle. But if I reveal the truth, he will look even worse than me and he values this circle so much.

I have not much support and that is also part of the reason why I feel I need to do what I writing to him today. Because I have protected him nobody around me really understands the situation and it has also made his version seem plausible or probable.

[sweetheart]

Can you maybe post your thougts about what you might write here so we could help?

I understand you may want to keep this private, but also want to let you know you can bring the letter here as well.

[mitti]

Yes, I always feel a little worried because this is a public forum and there are details of my story that are, or at least to me, feel very specific.

Short background

When I broke up with a few years ago he was so angry with me that he gave me 100% ST for a whole year. One reason why I tried to communicate a little is that our social circles overlap somewhat, though I have a much larger group around my dance interest since many years. He started coming back into my life 1,5 years ago insisting on coming to dance classes I assisted still silent treating me. His story to a lot of people was that I was stalking him because of the few messages I had sent him. He knows I hate that label. Yet he kept coming every week! He had also started dating, as i turned out, a very manipulative woman with sociopathic tendencies. She had been stalking me on social media I found out and started harassing both of us when she realised that he was still drawn to me. Without going into that story because it is very sick and outlandish, he left her and he and I resumed a r/s. He cheated and I broke up with him again and he begged me to take him back and I wouldn't. He went back with her to punish me as he knew that was the last thing I wanted. The woman kept harassing me, it becoming more and more disturbed. He and I stayed in touch because I needed help to stop this woman (he won't admit that she is behind it) and he because he still wanted me to take him back. It was a weird thing. They broke up but as I wouldn't take him back he would go back with her.

To now - Again he had removed himself from the r/s with this woman and it seemed that he would be strong enough this time. Very little contact between him and me and it seemed to deteriorate though I don't know why. He has these female friends who he has smeared me to and they all treat me as I am a threat to him. Anyway, I joined a new dance group and he came to the audition also. Then a few days ago, I received a new harassment text from the psycho-woman claiming that I was trying to sabotage his dance interest. She also threatened to come to the dance classes only to make me feel bad. I had no idea that he went back with her and it must have just happened then, probably because it made him angry I was at the same audition. I am concerned that they will tarnish my reputation so I contacted the choreographer and let him know that it had come to my attention that I had been accused of wanting to sabotage for my ex, that that wasn't the case and that I would not object if he wanted to join the group.

I also emailed my ex about this, explaining I wanted to set things straight. He dysregulated and accused me of stalking him, apparently being back with this woman defending her harassment of me that he knows has cost me my health and my job. When I let him know how I felt this autumn I all of a sudden opened the door for him to hurt me and this is now payback time for him. I realise that it is his incentive.

Because of the harassment and his and her accusations that I am stalking him and how badly this could hurt me around the dance community I need some damage control. I have tried the slow approach around the harassment for 1,5 years and it has not helped because he has no defences against her. The reason I even mention that is that she comes after me whenever they have problems or are broken up. And as soon as I move on he tries to leave her as he is only with her to hurt me and because he doesn't know how to get himself out. And then she comes after me.

What to write - What I am thinking of writing now, the main thing, that I am hoping might throw him into survival mode is the threat she made to come and disrupt dance classes. He knows I have PTSD from all of this and that her being there could trigger a panic attack in me. So I know the people at the dance school for many years and I am telling him that I feel it is my duty to warn them of the threat this woman made in her text - so I have proof - and does he really want to be associated with that. In fact I am not really bothering trying to validate him. I think that would not help at this point. He hates me but he would care about his reputation with the dance school.

I hope this wasn't a messy explanation. I never meant for it to be this long. Sorry, feeling worn out today  :'(

[Lou12]

Hi Mitti, what an awful time you are going through! It sounds horrible and you must be soo stressed out with it all?

One thing I would urge you to really think about is... .what is your honest motive here? To protect yourself? To get a reaction from him? To push him to paint the other female black? To split them up? To send him running back into your arms?

All of the above are perfectly OK to feel, been there for the tshirt.

If you are totally honest about your true motive then ppl here can help you to understand how each scenario will likely play out.

Hope that makes sense...

[mitti]

Hi Lou12, and thank you so much and sorry for taking time to respond to you. Life is just really hard right now. I have been trying to be strong and ignore all the things that were and are happening to me and you can only do that so long before you break.

Truth be told, my motives change a little bit with each day, but mostly, I want to, and need to, protect myself and my life. He has been telling lies about me, and about our relationship almost since the very beginning and I have never defended myself, or tried to set things straight. I took the high road and thought that this would serve both of us.

Another reason for this was that I didn't know how I could tell the truth without it either reflecting badly on him or simply without it just becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy about me. If somebody tells everybody around them that you are an unstable insecure and jealous girlfriend, or ex, who keeps stalking them or who wants to create drama, how can you ever react to that and not have whatever you do just strengthen the perception of you in people's minds that that is exactly what you are.

Update

I did write to him already and it is now more than a week ago. I wrote it as though my audience is everybody, since he has no integrity whatsoever, and this is really about damage control for me. I wrote how I have supported him always through his severe attachment disorder, explaining our pattern and saying he knows this is true and that I have tons of texts and emails to support that. So for him to not fabricate things and make up stories about me anymore. And then I asked if he felt that the masses of macabre and disgusting harassment texts, emails etc that she has sent me can be shown in combo with his email to me where he calls her patient! Do they support his claims about me, and if they cannot be shown to everybody then why is he defending them? I also said I have to inform the dance school of whatever threats she makes to come there and create drama. He hasn't responded and I didn't think he would because I knew I backed him into a corner. At this point it really will not do me any good to validate him because I am too black to him and I cannot validate the invalid and if I were to now validate his feelings (also very difficult since he is so passive aggressive) that would only support his story to everybody that I am stalking him. So this is about protecting myself and clear my name and the best way I can do that as I see it is to tell the truth. If he dysregulates that actually would serve me, as people would see his disorder.

I just feel so uncertain how to tell the truth without it seeming vindictive. How is it that he can say whatever about me and be believed but when I try to defend myself and clear my name it seems - to me - that I am being unfair to him?

[mitti]

Just these past days I had a break in this harassment case but for this particular thing I need my ex to help me, nobody else can do it. If I do nothing about it the chance will pass. It is so strange and typical in a way because I said in my message to him two weeks ago that I will not contact him again, and I meant it and felt ok with it, and then something like this comes up. I don't mean that I can't contact him because we do have this pattern where he tells me to not contact him and he gets angry if I don't and so often I have. But I really didn't want to this time.

I would really appreciate if anybody has any idea how I can approach him.

My motive is to end the harassment. How I feel about him I am not sure at the moment, but whatever happens we do need to find a way to co-exist in the dance community. And I am worried that I will give him fuel to continue to claim I am stalking him.

Sorry if I am not making myself clear, but feeling very tired when writing this.