My teen daughter's BPD is becoming an obsession

[michmom]

For four years now I am unable to detach myself from trying to help my daughter.  I work full time in an office but am on call to her 24/7. I read everythink I can get my hands on. At least an hour a day.  I read research and breakthroughs on drugs and new therapy. I take her to therapy, doctors appointments, testing, drug store runs, talk to high school faculty and support staff,  deal with the police, angry parents, make large payments for her mistakes, had to hire an attorney, etc.etc. etc.  I am married to my daughters father for 26 yrs.  We are great friends but he cannot handle the drama.  I know he's waiting to have a marriage again.  I feel like this will never get better.  I am trying to figure out how to now get therapy for myself when I can't stay two steps ahead of my daughters BPD challeges.  We waited a year to be accepted to the DBT Center.  She is in weekly therapy but the adolescent and parent skill groups have not formed yet.  I haven't accepted that my life will never be the same again.  I fight depression over this because I know I have to think, when my daughter can't.  I have hope but it is slowly fading.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[donnab]

Codependency in those who love someone with BPD is a natura response, but unhealthy for us. Have you read any resources around codependency? Might help. You can learn to be a separate person to your BPD loved one while still caring for them, just not being consumed by them.

It's a learning curve for sure, one that I am trying to learn, although for me I have had to separate almost completely to learn to be a person in my own right again

[michmom]

I haven't read any resources regarding codependency for caregivers. Might you suggest some good material? I would appreciate it.  Thank you.

[lbjnltx]

Hello michmom,  

Welcome to the Parenting Board.

I understand and have been where you are... .with my daughter, with my husband, with my thoughts, with my feelings.

How long has your d been in DBT therapy now?  Any results?  How old is she?

What do you think of the DBT skills she is learning?  The same skills can help us manage our emotions and there are many resources available to learn these skills (we have a great deal of info here on the site).

One of the DBT skills is Radical Acceptance.  Radical Acceptance (Accepting) is part of the grieving process as well.  We are all grieving and it's helpful to acknowledge this and be aware of it.  Here is a link to a workshop about grieving:  

Grieving Mental Illness in a Loved One

As I learned the communication skills, learned about my d's disorder, and practiced radical self care I was able to reclaim my life, help my daughter, and be a healthier me.  I hope the same for you and we will be here to support you!

lbj

PS:  The Lessons to the right of the page are highly valuable.  There you will find info on Co Dependency:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=114267.msg1125526#msg1125526

The info is directed at significant others and can still apply to us, as parents.  A certain degree of codependency is natural, especially for the parent/child under 18 relationship.   

[donnab]

I have just finished reading "stop caretaking your BPD / narcistic and end the drama". Honestly had been so helpful. Am also reading "codependent no more " by melody beattie. I've read this before and found it really helpful. Of course these books and other resources for codependency are just the beginning point of helping you see your behaviour. The real challenge is keeping the awareness and practicing the strategies

[michmom]

My daughter who is 15 started seeing a DBT therapist twice a week in October 2015.  This was a GAP measure while we continued to wait for an opening in the Full DBT Center that offered skill building in an adolscent group platform.  Her current therapist in the DBT center just took her on as a client in mide December.  My daughter is gaining an understanding of the concept of the skills but not yet able to reinforce them for herself with exercises.  I have the workbooks at home and have read them but she is not motivated. I can see she tries sometimes to make the effort.  It depends on what the trigger is and how many people are engaged.  I have embraced the concepts fully and thought that I would lead by example, however, her peers are her greatest influence and some of them have greater regulation issues then she does. I think the adolescent group skill building program will be the encouragement she needs.   If only it would get up and running.  My daughter is only out of the hospital two weeks from a suicide attempt and I am trying to grab on to anything while I wait for the other shoe to fall, again.  Thank you for the links lBjnltx and the suggested reading Donnab.  I will reveiw them later.  My lunch hour is up.

[lbjnltx]

You are correct michmom,  you can lead by example.  I found it very helpful to let my d know what skills I was using (skills she was familiar with) and encouraging her to do the same or more... .ie

"This conversation is going poorly.  I am going to take some self time and get into my wisemind.  We can talk about this again when we are both in wisemind."


lbj

My d didn't have access to a full DBT program, our individual therapist learned about DBT from books I gave him.  We eventually sent my d to an RTC where some of the DBT skills were taught by her individual therapist.  The equine therapy combined with her individual therapy and the group therapy model (Positive Peer Culture) were very affective with her.

[michmom]

Thank you. I am still processing "grieving mental illness". I have spent four years trying to solve every problem and never made the connection that I had to deal with my own emotions about this,  I just turned my emotional self off.  WOW. this will have to wait. but thank you lbjntx. your thoughtfulness is appreciated.  I wonder if my daughter is also grieving her unfulfilled ideas of the self she wanted to be. This would give reason to her anger. Will DBT skills help resolve these kinds of issues ones faces.

[lbjnltx]

DBT teaches coping skills... .regardless of the stressors at least one of the skills is applicable... .usually most of the skills are applicable... .they work for me   

This is why it's important to have someone around who knows the same skills our child does... .so they can "remind" them of the skills at their disposal.  We can't make them use the skills and we can still use them ourselves.

[michmom]

Ibjnltx, Thank you for the support. I am hanging on to hope and trying desperately to work with d therapist.  Currently my daughter is not actively in school and her therapist wants me to stay in the background and let my daughter confront these issues of triggers at school while working her dpd skills building.  If my daughter cannot accomplish the outline of school work this year she will have to repeat her sophmore year.  She thought she wanted to work on school as an independent.  She is very smart but has learned she cannot live without the social interaction but the social interaction contributes to the triggers. School is the last thing on her mind.  I am trying to keep my distance but yesterday reminder her that she was suppose to contact her assigned homebound teacher. To her, that is me, showing no faith that she can handle her situations.  Hmmmmm.  What do you do when you want to "fix" and your BPD isn't motivated to take care of matters.  My loving acts are unwanted but she continues to suffer more compounding consequences if I don't.

[lbjnltx]

I get it... .been there done that. 

There are 2 requirements as parents that I see:

1. hold them accountable ie... .privileges are earned, if you don't take care of your responsibilities you don't earn privileges.

2. let them learn from their choices.

For example:

My d wouldn't get up for school.  I would wake her twice and she still wouldn't get up.  On the third attempt I would ask her "Are you going to school today?" and make her choose while leaving it her responsibility.  If she didn't get up and go then she would have no privileges that day... .no friends, no going anywhere.

At the same time I had to talk myself off the ledge... .I  would tell myself "1000's of kids don't make it to school today, it isn't the be all and end all of her educational career."  If my mind started going to the "What if's... ."  What if she fails and has to repeat a year?" I would talk myself down from that too... ."1000's of kids will fail this year... .it's isn't the end of the world".

I had to make room for my reason mind to overtake my emotional mind and stay calm and centered.  It sucks that I even had to do it... .and it is what it is. 

lbj

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders