Received an email, do not know how to respond

[kookaburra13]

Hello all,

My mother was fine for a while, and now she is going through another bad phase as usual.  Today, she sent me an email and said she "expects a response".  Naturally, it is pretty nasty, and I do not know what to say.  I know she wants me to grovel at her feet, which I refuse to do.  I also know that nothing I say will be good enough.  Any ideas?

I can post the email if you would like more context, but it is pretty darn long.  A basic summary of the email would be that she is proud of me for my accomplishments, but I am still a bad person.  That I think I am smart, but am actually stupid and do not make intelligent decisions.  Nothing I do is good enough.  I "never" say thank you and when I do, it does not mean anything.  The same goes for apologies.  I am a disappointment.  I am always wrong in my actions and thoughts.  I am ruining a "good relationship" with my family.  She cannot handle the hurt anymore.  I am so nice to other people and not my family.  I do not care.  And then she proceeded to tell me about "real life" where things don't go my way and informing me that drama will always find me and that she will always have something to say.

I have no idea how to react.  The email is just a bunch of ranting about how awful I am.  Thoughts?

Thanks

[Panda39]

Hi kookaburra13,

As we often say around here... ."don't validate the invalid".  If this were me I would simply not respond it sounds like her email doesn't deserve one.

Panda39

[broken-nose]

Hi Kookaburra13,

I just joined this site, and was reading your post. I'm really sorry you have to go through this. I'm a little luckier, my mother would never put anything in writing because of her paranoia, but such is not the case with yours. It looks like she's just projecting her own feelings onto you. I agree with the other poster, "don't validate the invalid." I would tell you to remember that you've been through a prolonged ordeal and somehow, are still functioning and signing your posts with a smiley face. That is not a person who is stupid or bad, that is your mother's s*it projected onto you. It's a bit cheeky but, I'd send her a mirror and tell her to look into it the next time she wants to send you one of those emails :D

It looks like there are a lot of us out there, we're not alone. The more we talk, the more empowered we become. Be good to yourself and remember that you didn't deserve anything that happened, it's all part-and-parcel of her disorder. The trick is to not be punished anymore for being a good person who probably tried like Hell to help her, just like I am trying so hard to learn this now.



broken-nose, because that's what I used to get when I talked back to her.

[busybee1116]

What is your goal with mom? Do you want to keep a relationship with her/family she mentions? What is your status now in terms of contact?

Assuming you want to stay in some form of contact with boundaries, I might say something like... .

(keeping it BIFFy!)

Hi Mom,

I read your email carefully and I appreciate the kind words you said about my accomplishments. I have worked hard. I feel that whatever I do otherwise is not good enough for you and I'm tired of hurting as well. Since you also can't handle the hurt anymore, I'd like to respect that and would ask that you not contact me either for the time being.

Busybee