Need help not to break NC

[DreamerGirl]

I'm in the silent treatment or I'm not even really sure what it is, but he's cut me off and giving me no contact at the moment.  I feel so upset and I'm wanting to send him a text message telling him how I feel.  But I know that is not going to achieve anything, it will only make me feel worse tomorrow because he wont answer me and it's more power to him. 

I wish I could understand why, after all his abuse, I keep wanting him to love me.

[hurting300]

You're in good company here. It's like a drug right? He cuts you off and you feel like you would do anything to get him back right? It's ok to send a text explaining how you feel then leave it at that. At least then you'll feel better knowing you gave him one last change at being an adult. Did you break up with him or no?

[DreamerGirl]

So true hurting300, I feel like a drug addict.

It's a long story, a lot of turmoil over the last three months with him, he has been treating me really bad lately, making promises and not following through. 

I know if I send that text expressing my feelings, he will stay silent even longer.

I just want to move forward, without him.  This is going to be hard.  I truly hope he doesn't contact me so I can break this addiction.

[gundam94]

I understand completely. I'm addicted to her. I hope going NC will break me of that addiction. I'm terrified she's going to come back at some point.

[La Carotte]

DreamerGirl, I know exactly what you're going through as I'm there.

I have mixed feelings on the sending a text explaining how you feel. I do it each time, (there have been many times) because I tell myself that I'm being true to my need to express, and I have a right to express myself. Sometimes I feel good that I have sent it, and although I don't get a reply I'm glad I sent it, and sometimes I dont.  It almost always prolongs the ST though. But sometimes it doesn't! That's the intermittent reinforcement at play, keeping you hooked... .

I also feel like you that I hope she doesn't get in touch (although that isn't true exactly either, but I know on a head level it's best she doesn't get in touch) but I'm aware that the place to be aiming to get to is where even if she does get in touch, I'll be able to deal with it appropriately. Whatever that means.

Keep on keeping on DreamerGirl, it's all we can do. And keep posting and reading here, it's a huge support.  

[DreamerGirl]

Thanks gundam94 and La Carotte;

La Carotte same as much as I know it's best I never hear from him again, it hurts more than anything that he can just discard me like this, and I crave him contacting me, just so I can feel that maybe he really did love me.  I hate feeling this needy for love.

[gundam94]

I know that feeling all to well. She just walked away from our relationship. Like it was the easiest thing to do. She left just a week before I was going to propose to her. She didn't just leave, she completely destroyed me on her way out. Then expected me to stay her best friend. Now I'm "not normal or healthy" for not staying her best friend.

I have a 45 minute drive to work every night and for 2 1/2 years we'd talk on the phone on my drive. Every night... .the drives are so long now. I miss those calls terribly. I'm constantly looking at my phone expecting a text from her. Every time I get a call or text, there's a moment when I hope it's her and I am disappointed when it's not. But at least that feeling is getting less and less.

I can honestly say that I'm doing better then I was a month ago. I have learned a lot about her and myself. I was lost for a long time, she had me convinced I was a monster and I drove her from me. While I did make mistakes in the relationship (nobody is perfect). I know now that i wasnt responsible for the death of our relationship. It was her BPD that made her lie to me and cheat on me. She played with my head and feelings for a month before she finally left me.

The best thing I can tell you is just give yourself time. Reach out for support from friends and family. Find support on forums, which you're already doing. And if you want, start seeing a therapist. I am and it has helped me a lot.

[gundam94]

Sorry double post

[C.Stein]

I'm in the silent treatment or I'm not even really sure what it is, but he's cut me off and giving me no contact at the moment.  I feel so upset and I'm wanting to send him a text message telling him how I feel.  But I know that is not going to achieve anything, it will only make me feel worse tomorrow because he wont answer me and it's more power to him.  

I wish I could understand why, after all his abuse, I keep wanting him to love me.

When my ex coldly announced she had "moved on" and to never call or text her again I wrote an email that was as objective and honest as I could be at the time with no sugar coating.  This announcement essentially confirmed what I had been trying to ignore for months, that she had replaced me a couple of months before throwing me away.  

I did send it although I suspect it never got read nor did I get a response, which is too bad because some of the things I said she really needed to hear IMO.   For what it is worth ... .

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=287048.msg12705571#msg12705571

[thisworld]

DreamGirl hi,

I know the feeling. In my case, this is how emotional control worked every day. He gave me something, I like it and got used to it and then I was deprived of it. So, I wanted it. It happened with every little and simple thing, it happened with anything I felt good about. Maybe he didn't always do it knowingly. Maybe his lack of constancy caused him to do this with genuine feelings. However, from my perspective, I was truly deprived. Deprivation does it. It makes us want whatever we are deprived of. Interestingly, I experienced this with his negative attention as well. When I stopped receiving his hate mails, for one day I was surprised and even felt deprived. (Hey, where is my negative attention?) Being exposed to control results in very strange reactions in us.

I feel so upset and I'm wanting to send him a text message telling him how I feel.  But I know that is not going to achieve anything, it will only make me feel worse tomorrow because he wont answer me and it's more power to him. 

There is a lot of power in this thought. Have you tried the Wisemind technique in the lessons to integrate the thoughts in your head and the desires in your heart?

I wish I could understand why, after all his abuse, I keep wanting him to love me.

In my case, this is related with my family of origin issues. My mother has NPD although she is somewhere in the middle of the scale. I also know that children of NPD mothers have a lot in common with ACoA. I have read your comment in another thread and I wonder if there is a similarity between us here. My relationship with my mother taught me that when someone hurts me, it's my duty to try to win their love. Because there was the natural parent-child bond anyway, wanting this only felt natural. I wasn't even aware that I was doing it. I remember, when I was a child, my mother would get angry with something (formally, she would get "HURT"! by behaviours of her 9 year old child (me) and shut her bedroom door on her child's face. Then she wouldn't get out. I couldn't go back to my normal life until this was resolved. Ultimately, we would experience this strange scene where I would literally beg in every way I knew so that she would talk to me (she would be very queen-like.) This was my "normal". I think this stopped because my father discovered it or something - or I became a rude teenager. And until I started recovery myself in my twenties, I thought we had a perfect family. I even didn't remember this. Then it surfaced. In my difficult relationships, I feel that I have been "dating" my mother over and over, this time expecting different results.

Do you think you may be experiencing what you are because it triggers somehow similar childhood experiences of emotional unavailability?

Stay strong!

[FallBack!Monster]

DreamGirl, I know the feeling.  What I did was sleep a lot.  I really did.  Every time I got up there would be a msg on my phone, but nothing worth reading. One or two words. I knew it was a game.  I also knew that if I let her get away with it she would push for more emotional abuse.  Like a child when they try you.  They know you don't want them to touch it and they touch it anyway, just to see your reaction.

I would look at it this way... .you want him to care and love you as you love him.  you don't want to know that this is the type of behavior you're going to have to endure as long as you're dealing with him.  Don't fret. Sleep, watch t.v., go to the gym, go shopping, call a friend you have not talked to in a while.  A real cool one not a boring one, go visit family.  In general, anything you can think of that will keep your mind busy even if you keep checking your phone to see if he msg you.

There was a time when you didn't know him and you were able to breathe so learn how to do that again when he acts that way.  For what I read her and because what I've experienced I know they do that a lot. Get use to it or find a way.  I'm not trying to be cold. I'm actually saying to you the things I told myself by the second time the silent treatment came my way.

If you want to tell him how you feel you can.  no one can stop you, but you yourself said its not going to achieve anything.  In fact, it will make you feel worse.  I know, I don't like being ignored and I bet he wouldn't like it if you did it to him.  That's because no one likes being ignored, especially when they are expressing feelings.

It is normal to want to be loved.  But just as I learned about myself, you have to do some soul searching.  They do it all the time and they do it to the ones that love them the most.  The only people they don't do it to are people they have just met.  Don't take it personal. Go watch some tv

[DreamerGirl]

Thank you everyone for your replies, I appreciate them all and find I relate to so many of you.

He did send me a text message this morning. 

It was like time stood still.  His silent treatment hadn't even happened.  His missing promises he had made to me, didn't happen. 

A very happy and lighthearted text message, ending with his love for me.

In the past, I was ok with this.  It hurt, but I needed him and to just know and feel he loved me still meant more than his treatment of me.


I still feel very vulnerable and sad, but I also feel hurt enough from his cold silent treatment of me to not put up with him treating me this bad. 

I know I'm worth more, I'm sure there are men out there who would love me and treat me with respect.  Why can't I treat myself with the respect I deserve and I give to others?  That is something I need to find out and hopefully fix.


thisworld - Our childhoods sound similar. 

I always tried to make my mother happy.  Like you, I couldn't go back to 'normal life' until she was happy again.  I also cried, begged, did whatever was needed to get her to love me and make my world feel safe again. The emotional pain was terrible growing up.  I think you're right that somehow this is re-triggering my childhood pain.  I have so much I need to work on, but I actually have no idea where to start...

[thisworld]

DreamerGirl hi,

I think we've all started at some point already, we must have made a lot of life decisions related to this; when I think of my dysfunctional intimate relationships, I see them as a way to deal with this - albeit ineffectively. Still, sometimes these experiences may be there to bring us closer to ourselves, perhaps. At least, that's how I believe.

I also think we have tremendous power in us; look at what have survived. Perhaps, it's time to focus on thriving now, dealing with the past from a strong point. We are much capable than when we were young.

The awareness forum here has helped me a lot. Because I was aware of my own issues to a degree, I started that forum without having detached from my ex 100%. That forum helped me own my own issues and that lessened the emotional importance of my ex in my world. (There are also very good book recommendations there). His "role" in my world has changed due to this as well. Now, he isn't at the centre of this hurt but is an actor - like me- in this dynamic. I also know that he is in it not fully because of me as a person - he is trying to deal with some issues through me as well. He has his own scenario to try to re-enact expecting different results. This idea helps me a lot. (But then everyone's recovery only belongs to themselves and what works for one person does not work with someone else.) But this is how I'm doing it this time. Previously, I have benefited a lot from support groups and blogs for and by daughters of NPD mothers, 12 steps, therapy, and journaling. Getting in touch with my own inner child and learning to treat her better helped me a lot. This wasn't easy as I was taught to repress my feelings. But one day, it happened and then things got better.

I wish you all the good things in your journey.