Dealing with my sister

[SoulSisters1980]

I'm struggling quite badly to deal with my younger sisters behaviour.

We are close in age, I'm the eldest and she was born 2 years after me. Even as a baby she was difficult and angry. My mum tells stories about her snarling at people while she was still in her pram.

I have another two siblings (4 of us altogether and I am the oldest), a brother then a sister. They aren't very close with her at all now that we are all grown. Her and my brother in particular have always clashed quite badly and in their teenage years it was physically violent at times. My youngest sister has withdrawn nearly completely from the relationship with her and the rest of us because she can't handle the entire family dynamic. That leaves me as peace keeper and since primary school I have been acting as the voice of reason between all of my family members.

My family doesn't believe that any of them have issues but... .

My Dad is emotionally disconnected, he finds people hard to understand and is often angered by them. He takes offence at others actions constantly and has cut a huge portion of his family (brothers and sisters) from his life completely.

My Mum has finally admitted that she has a problem and has sought help for her condition. She wouldn't tell me what her diagnosis was but I think it is anxiety and depression. She was always mad when we were kids and swung between yelling constantly or giving us the silent treatment. She was great at cutting put downs. She has also cut herself off from the rest of her family and refuses to have anything to do with them.

My brother was identified as gifted and talented at age 8 and was doing uni subjects by the time he was in high school. As a kid he had, and still struggles with, having no social skills and doesn't like people in general. He would often tell us that his studies were more important than family and would be nasty or cold towards us. He has had no official diagnosis but his wife (a doctor) and myself believe he is on the spectrum, perhapt asbergers.

My youngest sister suffers from intense anxiety and body image issues. She withdrew from the family almost completely when my parents disapproved of her boyfriend when she was 18 and continually bad mouthed him. A few years later she got a tatoo and my mum lost her mind over it. Called my sister a whole heap of awful names and refused to talk to her at all. She was convinced my sister had done it just to piss her off.

Then there's my other sister, the one I am struggling with now. As I said she has always been angry and hard to deal with. I have had to smooth things over for her with the rest of the family continually when she looses her temper and verbally attacks them over the slightest provocation. Despite this her and I have always been very close, in high school we often wished we were twins so that we could be in the same year level. She always said I was her best friend and that she loved me more than anyone else. We've had so many good times together but then we'd have a disagreement and she'd turn on me. Suddenly I was the worst person ever and she hated me. Sometimes if I argued with her long enough she'd suddenly switch from outrage and anger to self loathing then I'd feel awful for making her so upset. I always ended up feeling like everything was my fault. Looking back now I realise how manipulative she was being.

Fast forward 20 years and our family dynamic hasn't changed much even though we've all left home and married. I'm still smoothing things over between my sister and the rest of the family. None of them understand her very well and her anger baffles them. All of us constantly feel like we walk on egg shells around her and we never know what will set her off, I'm the best at avoiding the 'mines' so I set her off the least. I feel like I know her the best but I still have a lot of anxiety in my relationship with her worried I will say of do the wrong thing.

I should probably add here that I myself am struggling with my own demons. I have generalised anxiety and am a perfectionist. For the last 10 years in particular while my children were being born and were/are quite young I constantly have had a knot in my stomach and an elevated heart rate from feeling like I was doing the wrong thing. I am always tired and close to tears. I had no feelings of self worth and thought there was nothing at all I was good at. That if I ceased to exist it wouldn't matter. I continually replay social situations in my head and berate myself for saying or doing the wrong thing. My internal dialogue is awful. With help I've been slowly improving but I have a long way to go... .

... .which is why my latest argument with my sister has dealt me a huge blow. I've suspected for the last two years that she has BPD after my therapist suggested it to me after listening to me describe her. Since then I have been reading up on the condition and, more and more, it sounds exactly like her. For the most part we have a great relationship despite me always feeling on edge around her. She tells me all the time how lucky she feels to have me in her life, that she loves me and that no one else understands her as well as I do. Even her husband. We catch up every week to walk, go to the movies, shop or have dinner together. She is funny, kind and caring. Always on my side when I'm having issues with other people. I love her so much!

The argument we had on the 10th January was over a small issue. I tried to tell her I was upset by something she had done (I had a fully loaded trailer ready to go to the tip/dump but she needed the trailer so dumped everything out onto my driveway and left it there so she could use it). When I told her I was upset about it and asked for an explanation (being careful not to sound angry or yell) she turned on me and began abusing me over the phone. After ten minutes she hung up then proceeded to ignore me. The next two times we saw each other, once when she returned the trailer and helped us reload it, then again at her sons birthday party she avoided eye contact and said the bare minimum to me. In the past when we've argued I haven't been able to stand her giving me the cold shoulder so I've tried to make contact until she's forgiven me (but not before making sure I knew exactly what a horrible person I am). This time I decided not to persue her and so four weeks went by with no contact. Eventually I recieved an email from her titled 'Things I need to say' where she launched into a 3 page email detailing all the things I've done to her in the last 10 years to upset her. Some of the issues I was aware of, she'd told me about them before and I'd apologised for them. Many of them however were new to me. Although most of her greiviances had a kernal of truth a couple of them were just outright lies. The letter was intensly upsetting as it was written in the light that I'd been taking advantage of her and punishing her constantly. That I was a selfish, hypocritical person who held her to a high standard while basically doing whatever I wanted to her. It hurt. Real bad.

In the weeks since the letter I've been struggling with what to do. With my husbands support (he is a mental health worker) I wrote a letter back to her right away telling her how much I love and value her and apologising for any times I've made her feel otherwise. A week has gone past since I sent it and she has gone back to ignoring me.

Deep inside I am so angry. I know all the research says it's the BPD condition and 'not her fault' she acts this way but god damn it I don't know if I can handle it anymore. In the past I've held my tongue, never telling her the damage she does to me in fear that she will cut me out of her life which she has threatened to do before. I've also seen her do it to others and it terrifies me, especially now that she has a son and daughter and I can't handle the thought of not seeing them again. I've already missed out on seeing my niece crawling because of all this ___.

But I feel violated. How can she say all this stuff to me and just get away with it? Why can't I defend myself? Some days all I want to do is sit down and write her a letter just like she wrote me and explain in great detail all the ways she has hurt me in the last 10 years ending with a great big F U! at the end. I think about cutting her out once and for all, trying to end the pain of these arguments.

I've tried to put boundaries into our relationship before, I've asked her not to dump on me and stick to the issue at hand. I've asked her to tell me at the time if I've upset her and not bottle it up only to unleash at me later. I've told her that if she starts yelling or threatening me that I need to walk away but she refuses to let me do that, threatening me that she will cut me out of her life if I don't stay and let her say what she needs to. Last time we argued and we tried to talk it out in person she resorted to getting in my face, swearing at me and mocking me. At one point she started hitting herself in a threatening manner.

I love her so much, what do I do? When everything is good it is so awesome but when she turns I don't know how to deal with her. How do I make allowances for her BPD without loosing myself? My anxiety makes me freeze during conversations with her.

Sorry for the long post... .

[Turkish]

Hello SoulSisters1980,

About your sis as a baby: the current consensus by clinicians is that BPD is 60% environmental and 60% biological. That is, her brain was wired differently from birth to not be as emotionally resilent as you, say.

That being said, mentally I'll or not, everyone is still responsible for their actions. We've heard this point drilled home by past members here who have recovered from BPD. For your sister, growing up with your parents who had their own issues likely contributed to her behaviors (and kudos to your mother for reaching out to help herself!), but the past is past.

Being the peace-keeper or fixer in the family may have fallen on you due to birth order, and your natural resiliency. Whatever the dynamic, resiliency only goes so far before resentment and anger builds. You have a right to be who you are regardless of who others expect you to be.

It's hard to change how you interact given decades of being The Rescuer, perhaps. Many of us here struggle similarly, so you're in good company 

You've told your sister how you feel, and she's challenging this. You've changed the dynamic of your r/s. You needed to. It's time.

We talk here a lot about validation, but you also have a right to uphold your boundaries to protect yourself. Take a look at the Suggested Reading at the top of the board. Here is a good place to start:

BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence



Turkish

[ineedaconfidant]

Hi SoulSisters1980!

Your story just broke my heart a little. Only because I've dealt with the same feelings and emotions due to being the peace-keeper in the family (which also fell on me due to birth order). My younger sister is BPD. She's 3 years younger. I also have generalized anxiety, and it's not fun! Thankfully my sister doesn't have children; I dread the decisions I'll have to make when there are children involved. I'm not sure how much I can help except to say that you're not alone! I've personally had a lot of luck with going no contact or limited contact. Your sister is certainly manipulating you and I sense that you feel the need to placate her and take responsibility for hurting her (even when the alleged hurt is small, unknown, or outright false). Setting boundaries and sticking to them is the best tool I've found. It's HARD! BPDs know how to stick it to you right where they know it will hurt the most. The thing is, you deserve better. You're not a bad sister. You're not a bad person. She's mentally ill and that is not your fault. I hope it gets better! Feel free to message me anytime. I'm also new here.