Top Ten Red Flags Continued

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Wow! All things on the list are accurate except she had no drug problems.  22 months. 

Emotionally immature communicator along with temper:  I could never express my opinion if it was different than hers.  She would get furious, call me names and wouldn't discuss anything rationally.  Some of the issues were over ridiculous things, like if I said I like a certain restaurant and she would say the food there was garbage.  Then if I said the burgurs were decent there she would attack and say I don't know good food and that I like to eat crap and a slew of other insults.  Alot of times it would escalate to extreme rage where she throws things or a few times attempted to hit me. 

Dishonesty:  So many lies from not answering texts or phone calls and making up some story that she didn't see or hear them, the phone was off or she didn't have it.  She probably was out doing something I wrong.  Also lied about where she was and what she did even if it was nothing wrong.  Made up things that she claimed I said or completely denied saying things she said. 


Unresolved previous relationship:  She was living with her twice recycled ex and wouldn't leave because she feared if she moved in with me and it didn't work out she'd be on the street, plus she had a history of volatile relationships ending abruptly.  Her ex was totally addicted to her and I think she liked to keep him hanging as an option as she was completely dependent on others financially as she never had a full time job.  He was always doing things to cause us issues and when we were doing great he would get frustrated and tell her to get out and they'd have violent fights. 

I believe her BPD was caused from family issues as her mother and her had a very volatile relationship as a child and she worshipped her father and looked to him for comfort but her father abandoned her at that young age since he remarried, had children with his new wife and broke all contact.  She repaired those relationships and talked to her mother and father weekly but the damage was done. 

[steve195915]

Wow! All things on the list are accurate except she had no drug problems.  22 months. 

Emotionally immature communicator along with temper:  I could never express my opinion if it was different than hers.  She would get furious, call me names and wouldn't discuss anything rationally.  Some of the issues were over ridiculous things, like if I said I like a certain restaurant and she would say the food there was garbage.  Then if I said the burgurs were decent there she would attack and say I don't know good food and that I like to eat crap and a slew of other insults.  Alot of times it would escalate to extreme rage where she throws things or a few times attempted to hit me. 

Dishonesty:  So many lies from not answering texts or phone calls and making up some story that she didn't see or hear them, the phone was off or she didn't have it.  She probably was out doing something I wrong.  Also lied about where she was and what she did even if it was nothing wrong.  Made up things that she claimed I said or completely denied saying things she said. 


Unresolved previous relationship:  She was living with her twice recycled ex and wouldn't leave because she feared if she moved in with me and it didn't work out she'd be on the street, plus she had a history of volatile relationships ending abruptly.  Her ex was totally addicted to her and I think she liked to keep him hanging as an option as she was completely dependent on others financially as she never had a full time job.  He was always doing things to cause us issues and when we were doing great he would get frustrated and tell her to get out and they'd have violent fights. 

I believe her BPD was caused from family issues as her mother and her had a very volatile relationship as a child and she worshipped her father and looked to him for comfort but her father abandoned her at that young age since he remarried, had children with his new wife and broke all contact.  She repaired those relationships and talked to her mother and father weekly but the damage was done. 

[philo beto]

Ohh once removed this is juicy. In the last few days this website has really helped me a ton.

The funny thing is i was ready to move on, i had gotten to a point where my life was going so well that I could finally see the writing on the wall, the fog had lifted. When she finally pulled her last stuff I am more mad and than sad and its given me a lot f support i was doing the right thing. DO

I ache a lil, yes, loved her but I'm going in the right direction.

I selected three but all are accurate.

4. FOO: Oh man don't have enough space for the both of them. The father abandoned the family and mom melted down and she raised siblings, then he came back and then loved her conditionally, mom always bailed her out. Dad bought her fake boobs at 21 (funny i knew her before and they were perfect) so emotional insest. It was so bad that she had horrible anorexia (somebody told me that also might be from physical molestation.) Then mom left for another man. Family history of suicide and metal illness and alcohol related deaths. To this day dad still ___s with her (forgets her birthday etc.) the whole family to this day is in denial and allows her to not be responsible for her actions. I think to this day she gets 100k a year from him so she doesn't work.  One of the freeing elements is that I'm away form that toxic sludge pool.

4. Perpetual victim. I could write a book. however thats her role in the family dynamic. NEVER NEVER NEVER HER FAULT.

9. dishonesty. This is where I FAILED MYSELF! I HAVE A PAPER WEIGHT ON MY DESK THAT SAYS HONESTY ! It is a core value. Time and time again she lied and asked me to and i did it ! In the end i caught her in a huge lie and it cost her her best friend and me. Her family believed her SECOND lie even when evidence was shown she was lying , ___ing denial man. She always had her phone wiped clean, so many dishonest traits. Whats nice about this is the lies REALLY creeped me out so it really snapped me back into reality. Its scary when you think how sick this person is and in truth a f... ing relief i never married her or more had a baby with her WHICH SHE WANTED BADLY.

10. Unresolved relationships: I really wanted to put this one up here so you all can see how sick these people are/can get. Her ex and she had a very bad relationship. She had approached me in the past about dinner while she/i was married, i did not take bait, i did not and would never cheat on my wife. Ok fast forward three years and i'm in throws of divorce. GUESS WHO! Of course i get sucked in, affair, the whole time she's saying telling me he's gay. THIS GUYS DESTROYED HER FINANCIALLY (NARC like dad), she worked all the ti,e while he played (true but thats her fault) i sucked it up, all of it I CAN RESCUE HER! Ok they split up and i find him on A GAY WEBSITE! He was all along . Here is where it gets wacky. Now you would think a man that did this to an honest/healthy woman she would want nothing to do with him but co parenting? WRONG! She charmed him back so it was the classic (lets all go on vacation, why are you upset i love you not him , I'm doing for the kids (many an arguement over that one) Now he is in a relationship with a great guy (met him) and that guy wants to have their own life no ex. She is less than pleased, flipping out actually. She charmed back her gay ex man that cracks me up.

I could answer more on this sheet but in end everyone on here should be lucky we got out, we all have many years left on the planet, this pain will hurt months but if we are still in these relationships we could lose more years. Time is precious for all of us and we could have wasted more. Rereading what I wrote above makes me actually laugh, did i need a tattoo across her forehead that said TROUBLE. What above wasn't enough .

Lets all look for the answers in ourselves to see why we put up with this stuff for so long. Most of us are not totally without blame, i am. I like it on here because i have found brothers and sisters who have walked in my shoes, i do believe though, the more time i spend on here is still giving her control over me. Gotta be careful.

[philo beto]

oops, i am not without blame  .

[philo beto]

Bruceli,

great question. I dated this woman in college and i met her dad and that was enough to say "ill pass", dug her like crazy but could feel the instability. She literally chased me for eh next 2o years and at my weakest point, I caved. I mean it was all there, so yes we love bad things. Furthermore, we love to save and wanted when we were rejected somewhere in ourlives.

[flourdust]

Wow, I'm sorry I missed this thread before. This is fascinating.

Relationship length: 12 years so far ... .please don't make me convert it to months.

Red flags I saw: All but drug problem.

Top three:

#4 Complex FOO Issues: Apparent immediately, from month 1. She had allegedly been sexually molested by her paternal grandfather. (I say allegedly because #9 dishonesty.) She had a tempestuous relationship with her father, an undiagnosed NPD/BPD. She painted her maternal grandparents and mother white. Childhood issues with her younger brother, too.

#10 Unstable employment history: Apparent immediately, from month 1, but I didn't realize it was a repeating pattern until around year 4. When I met her, she was locked in some kind of power struggle with her boss, who she said was trying to force her out at work, in a conspiracy with another employee or two. This pattern repeated at all subsequent jobs -- dramatic struggles between heroes and villains, often ending in her being reprimanded, demoted, or fired. I list it as one of the top three problems, because her happiness in her job helped keep her stable at home, and job problems translated to hell at home.

#6 Temper/#1 Emotionally Immature Communicator/#5 Perpetual Victim (apparent around month 5, but I didn't really figure out this was a problem for a long time): These are bundled together in her. She's argumentative and won't back down, is perpetually taking offense and demanding apologies, and explosive if there's any resistance to her demands. It forms a toxic mix in what I used to think of as our "fights" and now I think of as her dysregulation and cognitive distortions.