Not sure what to do anymore...

[Mr Pink]

Hello, I'm not sure what exactly to say. I've been married to my UBPDW for over 5 years.  I've read much of the material on the site and the recommended books as well. I do have a great T, but i'm still struggling. I'm 100% convinced my W has BPD. I guess I've been the worst/best fit for her as i'm obviously co-dependent.  I love her even though i'm constantly walking on egg shells.  We have one child together, which makes things extremely complicated. We haven't been doing well for months now, and my W served me with divorce paperwork a couple of weeks ago - although she didn't file with the court?  We are still living together, and trade off  parental duties nightly.  Last weekend my w had an affair, I feel crushed and haven't slept all week, constantly in tears. She continues to say sorry, but we are separated and she really likes the new guy.  I understand that we haven't been doing well, on the verge of divorce/separated and she is lonely, but I find it to be so cruel to have slept with another man.  Now she is pining over him, although she says she's cut off contact.  If not for our little one this would be so much easier to go. I'm rambling I know, just not sure what to do anymore. 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[C.Stein]

Hi Mr. P

I am so very sorry this has happened to you.  Something like this brings you to you knees and creates such an immense amount of conflicting emotions within you.  I understand the constant tears, been there myself. 

At this point do you want to try and save the relationship?  Is she open to trying?  Is she open to seeking a diagnosis and help if she is suffering from BPD?  How is you little one doing?

[Circle]

I've been there too. Sorry that you are struggling with this. Keep yourself healthy. Don't give up on doing the things you love throughout this. Keep taking care of your self and your child. Keep posting too-

[Mummyfixit]

Hi,

I'm sorry I have nothing to offer, but my thoughts are with you. The physical pain takes you by surprise. It is too sad that there are so many of us in similar situations. I truly hope things work out well for you and your child.

[Mr Pink]

Thanks for the kind thoughts everyone. It helps to know so many are going through hard times with similar situations.  I do not think the marriage is salvageable. We've not ever been truly good, struggling with these problems (codependency and BPD) and now the infidelity on top of it.  It is hard to imagine my life without her in it, but i know things will get better.  It is just hard to think about and feeling like i'm getting the short end of the stick. I've put so much work into the marriage, and was hoping things would work out.  I know I'll do things to try to make my life better and healthier for myself and my son, but she'll continue to spiral out of control.  It is hard to see her move on so quickly, makes it seem like our relationship wasn't important or valued at all.  I'll keep on surviving though, because I will be happy and healthy. 

[Circle]

Yeah, it's kind of mind-blowing how quickly things change with BPD people. And, how as co-dependents, we put so much of our interest into them; only to find it not reciprocated at the same level. I'm kind of at the same point; I could probably stay with the lies, fluctuating-interests, be a punching bag for the BPD person, or not. So far, I have kept coming back at some level, and it's often difficult, and painful.

[Grey Kitty]

Hello and welcome, Mr Pink!

You've got a horribly hurtful and confusing situation in your marriage, especially with a child that you are responsible for. 

I'm going to recommend that you work a bit on what you can do to improve things with your wife, no matter the outcome--you are likely to have her in your life at least as a co-parent for the next decade or two, so it is worth trying to make that go better.

If she's talking about divorce, and especially involving courts or lawyers, I strongly recommend you do your own research and homework about it. We have a board here for family law and custody disputes. Please go there and post what you have heard so far regarding divorce from your wife--you will find that the senior folks there are very pragmatic and realistic about what can happen and how you can make things work out for the best if it does end up in court. Even if you do find a way to reconcile, understanding your options will help.

[livednlearned]

Hi Mr. Pink,

Welcome and hello 

Wow, you have a lot going on friend. It takes a lot of strength to not be emotionally injured in a BPD relationship, and infidelity can feel like the final twist of the sword.

You've come to a really good place for support. People here have walked in your shoes and understand what it's like. Plus, there are a lot of communication skills that can help mitigate some of what you're going through. Like Grey Kitty mentioned, you and your wife are going to be coparents no matter what happens, and there are some important things to know so that you can minimize the conflict and build up your emotional strength.

Coparenting a child when one parent has BPD is tough. How old is your child? How is she/he doing? As difficult and challenging as it is to raise an emotionally resilient child in these circumstances, it is possible. Powerful growth is possible and probably even unavoidable when you are driven to change old habits out of love for your child. I know that I was not nearly as committed to my own emotional health as I was to my son's, and that love gave me the strength to finally do the deep work on myself so that I could model it for him.

Are you and your wife living together?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Mr. Pink, Welcome!  Most of us Nons have codependent tendencies, as you are already aware, which makes it challenging to separate ourselves from our BPD SO's.  Yet, when it comes right down to it, you are not responsible for the well being of another adult.  Suggest you give up trying to protect your W when she spirals downwards.  Trying to control something that is out of your control, such as your W, leads to stress and anxiety.  Suggest you let go and let God.

LuckyJim

[Mr Pink]

We are living together as we cannot afford a second home at this time. We've come to an understanding to take turns every other night taking care of our child.  This is going well so far, and we're actually getting along ok.  I'm trying hard to get over the infidelity but it is still raw/fresh, and will take time. I just want to try and have as good of a relationship as possible for our son's sake (4 years old).  Not sure how long we'll be in this arrangement, my wife is looking for work so one of us can then move out. She wants to "separate" and work on ourselves and date other people.  I want to work on myself for sure, but not excited to date anyone during this time. Not sure how I feel about her dating, but i obviously can't control that.  Neither of us want to continue our marriage how it was, but I don't want to separate to only then divorce, i'd rather just move forward with the D. If I knew she'd really work on herself fully, then I think I'd be more comfortable with a separation but I know better than that as she'd rather just blame me for our issues than look in the mirror.  I know I've hurt her and lost my temper and treated her unkindly more than I care to admit - i have a ton to work on, but just being able to have some me time, get rest, do other things than take care of her and my son has been tremendous the past couple of weeks.

[Circle]

Glad to hear you've taken time for yourself. Keep standing strong; from everything I've read, BPD people don't respect anyone who can't stand up for themselves.

And, from personal experience; if you aren't comfortable with being 'seperated', you don't have to do it. It sounds to me, like it's advantageous to her, but would be dragging you through the mud (you never had a problem being monogamous, is my understanding-that's her problem). My wife did that to me; she kept me hanging on, while she flitted around. Perhaps you can allow her the possibility of being 'seperated', until you actually get separate places, and then break the divorce news to her, when it feels right.

Just thinking out loud. Keep on taking care of yourself!

[Grey Kitty]

I'm a very pragmatic about relationships, and I'd look at this from a triage point of view for you, Mr. Pink... .here are priorities as I see them.

1. Immediate safety for you and your child don't seem to be an issue. (whew) Your legal rights as a parent don't seem to be under attack right now either. (whew)

2. You will be co-parenting and sharing living space for a while now. Do what you can to make that go better.

3. Your romantic relationship future with her is a problem, with her infidelity, and lots of bad history. I suggest you let that slide without trying to resolve it one way or the other, while you work on reducing the conflict with her.

Work on further reducing conflict with her. One thing you've already done is that the two of you have tried to reduce the time you spend together while living together. I think that should help, so let it continue.

Next, can you describe the sort of conflicts you do have with her? We have a bunch of tools, different ones are better depending on what is happening.

One basic one I'd suggest is working on avoiding invalidation of her and her feelings. This is a very natural thing that most all of us do, and a hard habit to break... .but one well worth doing. One tool we have has the acronym JADE. Do not Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain. If she is upset and accuses you of something, especially something you didn't do, or of doing for a reason you didn't, it is very natural to do so. The problem with doing this is that she feels upset/angry at you, and her feeling is genuine. If you tell her why she shouldn't be angry with you, you are (implicitly) telling her that her feelings are WRONG, and this just makes everything worse. Work on NOT saying these things, because nothing good comes from doing it.

Read more about invalidation here:

TOOLS: Stop Invalidating Your Partner (or the BPD person in your life)

And as I said--please give us a specific example of a conflict you had with her--we can help you find ways to better resolve it!

[altact]

Hi there,

Glad you are seeing that silver lining- however faint. My investment in a BPD/ codependent relationship was blissfully short (many have pointed out that it would only have gotten worse). While it still hurts terribly I am trying to focus on the perspective I've gained and apply what I've learned to seeking out a healthier companion. I'm far from ready to pursue anything now and like you face the challenge of working through my own stuff as a single person.

Thanks for sharing your experience. I wish the best for your family