Daughter in law has nearly driven me crazy

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I found this sight after googling! I'm astonished to find stories just like mine! After having this evil woman in my life for 5 years I have been brought to my knees! I no longer know who my once loving and supportive son is! He was forced to give up his police career because she could not leave her controlling, manipulative mother who would have been 80 miles away! They were living a block apart at the time! He does not have any friends left because they are not good for him! Him and his only brother were always best friends, but she has done everything in her power to destroy it, including stealing money from their business! When my youngest son wanted to hire a lawyer and do an audit, my oldest son told him if he did that it would be the end of their relationship and they never wanted to see him or his wife and new baby ever again! As soon as they got married she tried to destroy my relationship with my son. She told me once a son gets married they no longer have a relationship with their mother. She was living a block from hers! After the big fight with the business we found out her husband has to tell her every word of every conversation he has with me or his brother.

The unfortunate part of this whole mess is my precious 5 year old grand-daughter who DIL uses like a pawn. I have tried unconditional love and endless hours of free babysitting to no avail. There is nothing that you can do to earn this girls love!

I have been a nurse for 44 years and have dealt with some difficult situations, but I have never been up against something like this! Love and kindness do not work!

If the IRS catches up with her she will go to prison, because she stole thousands! My youngest son hates confrontation and doesn't want to lose his brother, so she just continues in her bad behavior! It is almost like a game to her! She loves to push the limits and see what she can get away with!

This girl is a compulsive liar, but I don't see that mentioned very often?

I'm going to buy walking on egg shells and am now reading stop caregiving  the borderline narcissistic.

My heart is broken and I feel lost and alone! The boys father passed away 3 years ago! How I wish he was here! He begged my son not to marry her, but she had her claws already into him! Needless to say she hated my husband, but didn't have any problem spending his money!

[bjh]

I found this sight after googling! I'm astonished to find stories just like mine! After having this evil woman in my life for 5 years I have been brought to my knees! I no longer know who my once loving and supportive son is! He was forced to give up his police career because she could not leave her controlling, manipulative mother who would have been 80 miles away! They were living a block apart at the time! He does not have any friends left because they are not good for him! Him and his only brother were always best friends, but she has done everything in her power to destroy it, including stealing money from their business! When my youngest son wanted to hire a lawyer and do an audit, my oldest son told him if he did that it would be the end of their relationship and they never wanted to see him or his wife and new baby ever again! As soon as they got married she tried to destroy my relationship with my son. She told me once a son gets married they no longer have a relationship with their mother. She was living a block from hers! After the big fight with the business we found out her husband has to tell her every word of every conversation he has with me or his brother.

The unfortunate part of this whole mess is my precious 5 year old grand-daughter who DIL uses like a pawn. I have tried unconditional love and endless hours of free babysitting to no avail. There is nothing that you can do to earn this girls love!

I have been a nurse for 44 years and have dealt with some difficult situations, but I have never been up against something like this! Love and kindness do not work!

If the IRS catches up with her she will go to prison, because she stole thousands! My youngest son hates confrontation and doesn't want to lose his brother, so she just continues in her bad behavior! It is almost like a game to her! She loves to push the limits and see what she can get away with!

This girl is a compulsive liar, but I don't see that mentioned very often?

I'm going to buy walking on egg shells and am now reading stop caregiving  the borderline narcissistic.

My heart is broken and I feel lost and alone! The boys father passed away 3 years ago! How I wish he was here! He begged my son not to marry her, but she had her claws already into him! Needless to say she hated my husband, but didn't have any problem spending his money!

[Turkish]

bjh,

I only have little kids still, but I can't imagine the pain of possibly losing them to a mate who is disordered. My uBPDX (undiagnosed BPDx) didn't try to alienate me to such a degree, but being triggered by my mother's presence, we lost time when my kids were babies. I still feel guilty about that, because we were so enmeshed with her family. There was no compromise in that regard. Even so, there are no valid excuses. However, the reality is "on the ground," as it is said.

The books you mentioned are excellent resources to help navigate around a person with BPD. She sounds unhealthily enmeshed with a likely BPD mother (do you knw her at all?), and your son with his wife.

From what you wrote, it still sounds like you have access to your GD, no?

Turkish

[Kwamina]

Hi bjh,

You are dealing with quite a difficult situation here indeed. It is sad that things have turned out this way. It seems your son might be letting himself be controlled by his wife out of fear, obligation and/or guilt:

... .fear, obligation or guilt ("FOG" are the transactional dynamics at play between the controller and the person being controlled.  Understanding these dynamics are useful to anyone trying to extricate themselves from the controlling behavior by another person and deal with their own compulsions to do things that are uncomfortable, undesirable, burdensome, or self-sacrificing for others.

Do you feel like this applies to your son's relationship with his wife? You can read more about this subject here:

Fear, Obligation And Guilt: How We Allow Loved Ones To Control Us

You say your son used to be very loving and supportive. Is this the first time that you feel like he is letting himself be controlled by another? How did he meet his wife and was her behavior problematic right from the start or was there a specific turning point?

Welcome to bpdfamily

[mother in law]

Hi bjh. Your story sounds like mine.  I too am a nurse with over 40 years experience and have also never encountered anything like this.  My now ex dil also has stolen money and I believe other things as a teenager and now is totally dishonest with social services. She too is a compulsive liar and a master of painting people black. I too have cried bucket loads of tears and worried myself sick. My exdil also didn't like me after a few years as I think she realized after I suggested she get help that I knew something was seriously wrong with her. She is a master of pretence in front of others and I had blown her cover (sorry it sounds harsh).

The only advice I have is hang in there for your son and gd. Use this site as a resource it is wonderful. You won't be able to fix everything but just being there and listening I believe is amazing support for them.

You will find ways to talk with them both. The lights went on with my gd when she was about 8 and I admitted to her after questioning that i do worry about her and what she has to live with. She is 13 now and it may not be approved of by all but her and I and her dad all have a bit of a black sense of humor which I have recently started to use with her.  I think it sometimes breaks the tension for her. I still worry about her and am fearful she will end up like her mother.

Read as much as you can they both need someone on their side.  

It's hard work,  it never goes away and you will find that lots of people don't understand. Hang in there and Good luck.

[Panda39]

I no longer know who my once loving and supportive son is!

My SO's (significant other) mother said the exact same thing to him when he was still married to his uBPDxw (undiagnosed BPD ex-wife).  That along with a death bed discussion with his dad were two of the catalysts in his decision to leave his 17 year marriage.  The other was the emotional abuse that was being done to his children by their mother.

The hard thing is that we can not make another person do something that they don't want to do or are not ready to do.  So as much as you wish your son was not in this situation he will need to come to that conclusion on his own.

If your son is like my SO he likes to rescue people, he has a big sense of duty and commitment, takes his marriage vows very seriously and wants to be a good father. (All great traits)  You combine that with a pwBPD (person with BPD) and the FOG (Fear, Obligation & Guilt) that they use then you have a chaotic mixture that your son will keep trying to correct (rescuing his wife), do the right thing, protect his wife, and protect his marriage.  Things that might have been wrong to him before, or that he might have seen as abusive before, he may minimize because this is his wife.  Your son may also have difficulty with boundaries because of his personal code.

IMO one of the best thing you can do is keep communication open with your son so that when he does reach out he feels that he has your support.

Below is some more information regarding FOG (Fear, Obligation & Guilt) or emotional blackmail so that you understand some of what your son might be dealing with.  He is good guy and she is using that.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

Further information on Boundaries (which it sounds like are needed around money and your son’s business).

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a120.htm

https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167368.0

I also want to point out the box to the right --> each item is a link to further information.  When you have time you might want to check it out.

I also want to add that you aren’t alone and that you will find lots of information, ideas, tools, advice and support from the members here.  I’m glad you’ve found us.

Take Care,

Panda39