My mom stole my inheritance, and calls me selfish for caring

[heartofglass]

My previous post was about how I believe my mom's unrelenting cruelty killed my dad a few weeks ago. This is something else that greatly worries me... .I think my mom has actually stolen our inheritance too.

I found out the other day from my mom that my dad VERY recently changed his will so that everything would go to her. Like two months ago. How convenient for her. I know for a fact this was not how he originally set it up. In fact, their relationship was beyond miserable. He was emotionally and physically abused by her on a daily basis.

In fact, my dad and mom told me last Fall that there was a set amount that would go to my sister and me that can't be touched, as his direct decendents. Now, to my horror, my mom denies that conversation ever happened (I believe that's called "gaslighting". Then she tells me I'm making her feel "awkward" for bringing up money "at a time like this". (She's so good at making me feel ashamed.)

We have every reason to believe that my dad was abused to the point where he gave in and signed our inheritance over to her just weeks before his death. Most of her daily abuse towards him was in fact about money. So she got exactly what she wanted... .she now has complete unchecked control (he used to at least keep her spending in check if he could), and will manipulate how much we inherit according to how we treat her for the rest of her life. We are not guaranteed anything, and she openly doesn't care.  

It's just my sister and me. My dad has no other family we can talk to about this. We are really worried.

I don't even particularly care about the money itself. But I do care that as a BPD, she is capable of spending huge amounts of money very quickly. She also uses money to throw her weight around and as emotional manipulation, so the fact she has all of it is not good news for any of us. It's also making her especially arrogant.

My dad's death has exposed a whole new level of dishonestly and untrustworthiness I didn't expect and it's very painful to me. What are my rights in this situation? Can I prove that my dad was coerced into this?

[Notwendy]

I don't know what your rights are but perhaps the legal board here can be of some help. It is certainly questionable that the will was changed right before he died. I don't doubt he was forced to do it. I think my father was. My mother had painted me black to him before he died. She cruelly withheld any mementos from me. I didn't expect any money, but he had things that were sentimental to me. She refused to let him give me anything and wouldn't herself.

I not only grieved the loss of him, but the loss of having things that were sentimental to him.

She has since relented and let me have some things. I never expected so much as a penny from her.

After my father died, I seriously considered not attending the funeral. He was the only person connected with her that I cared about. I went because my kids wanted to go as well as because some of his family members.

Before he died, I might have considered going NC with her, but since I wanted to keep a relationship with my father, I had to be in contact with both of them. Afterwards, I realized I had a choice. I chose to stay in contact with her- but it was on my terms.

Eventually she came to the realization that it was not a good idea to not have a relationship with me, for her own good, and I believe it is only for that. I don't believe she cares a rat's tail for me, but I think she realizes that she would be alone if not for her children. I was written out of the will, but I think she wrote me back in. Who knows, it could change at any day. It hurt my feelings more than anything else to think my father did that, but I don't know if he had any choice at the time.

Your poor Dad. I know he loved you, but like mine, who loved me too, he was in a tough situation.

[HappyChappy]

Hi Hartofglass,

Firstly I’m sorry over your loss, and to have this on top must be just too much. With reference to your legal standing you would need to consult a lawyer as the law differs by geography. But there is precedence at contesting the will, and the most famous case was Joe Crawfords daughter.

Joan was believed to have a PD, as illustrated in the film/movie "Mommy Dearest".

Those with BPD will approach grief in a very different way to us nons. From you earlier post, it sounds like you Dad did love you, but an old vulnerable man subjected to BPD manipulation, probably never stood a chance.  I know my BPD had my Dad believe all sorts of bizarre (off the scale) things about his kids. These BPD are Master manipulators. Wishing you piece.  

HC

[Notwendy]

Those with BPD will approach grief in a very different way to us nons. From you earlier post, it sounds like you Dad did love you, but an old vulnerable man subjected to BPD manipulation, probably never stood a chance.  I know my BPD had my Dad believe all sorts of bizarre (off the scale) things about his kids. These BPD are Master manipulators. Wishing you piece.  

HC

My mother's behavior during this time was bizarre and cruel. Like you, I had similar feelings, and you have a right to them. The way my mother and her FOO treated me at the time of my father's death was cold and cruel. It actually was not my mother's behavior that surprised me, but the behavior of her FOO. However, I realized that almost everything they knew about me was through what she has told them.

I agree that an elderly man in poor health does not have the reserves to withstand constant demands, and your father may have changed the will just to get a moment's peace. This is not a good way to deal with someone with BPD, but it takes strength to enforce boundaries, and he may not have had this. Although he died suddenly, he was possibly not feeling at his best.

My mother painted me black to my father. It was hard to visit him before he died because he would rage at me. I don't know at which point I was disowned on the will, if he did it or she did, but once he was gone, she controlled that.

My only advice to you now is to grieve and feel these feelings, and let yourself process them and recover.

[unicorn2014]

I'm in a slightly different situation: my grandmother disinherited not just my dad but me and my brother as well so my dad decided to locate an attorney to help my brother and I get our inheritance back. Is it possible you could look into an attorney as well? The type of law is called probate law and attorneys can work on a contingency fee which means they won't get paid unless you get paid.