Please help- daughter ran away

[landslide]

My daughter ran away a few hours ago- left through her window.  We have no idea where she is but we know she is alive because she has the nerve to post pictures of herself on Instagram while we are here worried sick about her.  She has threatened to run before but never did before tonight.  She was angry that my husband expected her to do her schoolwork while she was at home (suspended from school), and she refused so he would not let go on her electronic devices to entertain herself.  For several years now, she has turned on us when upset, acting as though our home is prison and we are the cause of all her problems.  She lies endlessly, breaks all the rules, and refuses to take any accountability.  At the same time, she has been really dysregulated during the last week in general and I know she is in a lot of emotional pain.  We called the police.  She doesn't have any trustworthy friends, so it's basically impossible to track her down. We're just waiting.  I am horribly upset right now, angry at her illness and how much it is messing up everyone's life, sick that she would just leave, worried about where she is and who she is with and feeling completely powerless.  My husband (who is her stepfather and has helped raise her since she was 4 years old) is so burned out, he doesn't want to try anymore.  I find myself feeling horrified by her as person, incredibly sad and also wanting to shut down and wall myself off from her.  Assuming she comes back, I don't know what to even say or do anymore.  I feel like I can't find the line between holding her accountable and not feeding into her issues by being completely invalidating.  I would appreciate any words of wisdom.   

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Turkish]

She made a choice to run away. You called the cops, which was the right thing to do. That she's psting pics is painful, and throwing it in your face to make you (in her mind) feel her pain. As disordred as it is, and frighteningly painful, at least she's still posting... It's like my Ex once said, perhaps, "I want everyone else to feel my pain!" It's immature and self-centered, but likely how she feels right now.

You're frustrated with her (before she fled). Your H seems fed up, and so do you. You have every right to run your household as you will. However, how can you validate her pain? Finding a validation target is difficult, and probably even more so now given what she's done.

[bpdmom1]

Sounds like my daughter.  Ran away without a phone, found someone with a phone and posted pictures of her and this guy she met on Instragram stating she finally found the guy.  Stated over and over that our house is a prison and I was the problem.  She would have huge meltdowns for no apparent reason and freak out if she couldn't have her phone with her all the time, even at night.  We didn't call the cops as we found that a parent of a good friend picked her up for the night.  The problem kept escalating with running away until she left for a number of weeks and became suicidial.  She became impossible to live with and we ended up sending her to a therapeutic boarding school, where she is today.   

I think you did the right thing to call the cops, something we should have done the first time our daughter ran.  I don't know if it would have changed where we are today or not.

[Huat]

The first time our daughter ran away was on our 17th wedding anniversary.  Needless to tell how we "celebrated" that day!  We got her home and then 2 weeks later on her 13th birthday, she disappeared again.  In total, she ran away 4 times.  At that time in our area, a serial killer was at work and during her disappearances, a number of teens had been found dead.  Add to our fright?  You bet!  She is now 50 and the years have been a roller coaster ride.  All is well and then all of a sudden she blows... .WHY?... .WHAT?  Any explanation from her has made us wonder if we were really in the same room when this "something" happened.  We have watched as she has literally destroyed people, with them scratching their heads as to why/what?

In our daughter's case, most meltdowns have happened on significant dates... .birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, Easter, etc.  Three years ago Christmas was cancelled on Christmas Eve, the presents for her and our grandchildren stayed under the tree, and that episode has continued on to this date.

So, in hindsight I see what we could have done differently and the biggie is that we REACTED... .fed her flames.  With that said, we did the best we could with what resources we had at the time... .and we did differently when we knew better.   As hard as it has been, we have had to draw a line in the sand to ward off her escalating verbal abuse which, if not blocked, could turn to physical abuse... .and we are in our mid-70's now.

Although time consuming (and your world is probably very busy with other facets of life)... .do your homework on this one!   As people with problems like diabetes or whatever have to learn a new way of living in order to survive, so do we with BPD's.  At times of decompression in an airline, you are told to put the oxygen mask on yourself first.  No matter what you do to try to help your daughter, what happens is going to happen.

I am so glad that I finally signed on to this site.  If nothing else, it has given me validation and comfort in knowing that I don't walk alone... .and neither do you.  None of our friends have experienced this kind of treatment from their children.  They are dumbfounded as to what to say when we relate our experiences.  They don't ask questions... .don't broach the subject.  This is where you will get validation and the opportunity to heal.

[lbjnltx]

Hi landslide,

Has your d come home yet?  Is she ok?




lbj

[landslide]

Thank you all for your thoughtful replies.  I have been lost these last few days and honestly didn't even think to check back here until now (shows what a newbie I am). 

In short, turned out my daughter had been hiding out at the next-door neighbor's house.  My 9-year-old son was having a sleep over with his friend, and my daughter convinced my son to lie and say she wasn't there when my husband asked him.  Our neighbor knew my daughter was there but thought we knew (which seems weird to me, but my neighbor actually has an adult daughter with BPD herself, so I guess has a high thresh hold for chaos)!  My daughter came home the next morning, no apology, completely remorseless, laughed at me when I expressed how scared I had been.  Later that day, we got into a conflict when she was refusing to eat or get out of bed.  I did absolutely everything wrong because I was so anxious and overwhelmed, begging and arguing with her about taking care of herself, when I should have just walked away.  She ended up hitting and kicking me, which is the second time she has been violent toward me, and I am ashamed to say I then slapped her, which I could never have imagined myself doing.  It shows how out of control I was that it really seemed like a reflex and not something I even knew I was going to do.  I realize I should have called the police or the local crisis line when she hit me and gotten away from her.  Instead, I feel like I validated the worst possible thing, which is acting like the "awful parent" she accuses me of being.  One of her friend's parents helped us that night by letting her stay the night there, which was actually helpful in the short-term although I am not sure that sends the best message.  My daughter started off this week refusing to go to her DBT group, refusing to do her schoolwork, throwing it in our faces that she wasn't going to eat, wasn't going to anything to take care of herself.  Now, today her mood suddenly seems better, she tells me she feels better and is eating better.  She has been tapering off a med and going into a new one, so not sure if she is just settling down or if there is something being plotted.  Sad to say, there is absolutely zero trust.  Things escalating over the weekend, as terrible as it was, has really changed my perspective and finally helped me realize I don't have control over her.  It feels sort of ridiculous to write that, it should be obvious when your child is 16 years old and bigger than you, but I was in denial.  It's made me realize that I can't keep trying to "fix" her but that I need to continue managing my own emotions.  It has easily been one of the worst weeks of my life.  I love my daughter so much, we used to be close and enjoy time together, and I'm scared of losing her forever.  We see her therapist on Saturday, and I know her therapist is struggling with her, too.  I have no idea what is going to happen.  But it feels less scary when I can write it out here.  Thanks for reading.     

[lbjnltx]

 

If we are out of control... .no one is in control. 

It's good that you have had this realization and understand how vital it is to take care of yourself, learn skills for yourself, and to let go of the idea that you can control/fix your d.

Maybe something in this can help you to see some light at the end of the tunnel and encourage you to hold onto your new perspective:

After years of struggling to learn about this terrible disorder that my daughter began to show signs of suffering with at the age of 11... .after years of learning all the skills that are supposed to help improve our relationship... .after 4 plus years of outpatient family therapy and one year of inpatient treatment to try to help my daughter... .it all was really about ME.

How I handle disappointments associated with her choices, how I respond (and not react), how I interpret her actions/tone of voice/body language/attitude/etc... .how I feel, how I think, how I behave... .When I am healthy and respond in healthy ways it has a positive affect on her.

My own mental/emotional/spiritual/physical health is only jeopardized by another when I lack the skills, positive self image, spiritual connection, and self care needed to be healthy.  There are so many people in and out of our lives that are not "healthy"... .it is fruitless to even attempt to try to heal them all through skills... .it is much more effective to heal self and be able to stay in relationship with "difficult" people.  After all... .I can be one of those "difficult" people too sometimes.

How do you see your responsibility to the person you love that suffers from BPD (or is "difficult), your responsibility to others you care about, your responsibility to self?

lbjnltx

You are on your way towards a more peaceful life landslide.  It is a tough journey we must make.

lbj

[unicorn2014]

My daughter ran away a few hours ago- left through her window.  We have no idea where she is but we know she is alive because she has the nerve to post pictures of herself on Instagram while we are here worried sick about her.  She has threatened to run before but never did before tonight.  She was angry that my husband expected her to do her schoolwork while she was at home (suspended from school), and she refused so he would not let go on her electronic devices to entertain herself.  For several years now, she has turned on us when upset, acting as though our home is prison and we are the cause of all her problems.  She lies endlessly, breaks all the rules, and refuses to take any accountability.  At the same time, she has been really dysregulated during the last week in general and I know she is in a lot of emotional pain.  We called the police.  She doesn't have any trustworthy friends, so it's basically impossible to track her down. We're just waiting.  I am horribly upset right now, angry at her illness and how much it is messing up everyone's life, sick that she would just leave, worried about where she is and who she is with and feeling completely powerless.  My husband (who is her stepfather and has helped raise her since she was 4 years old) is so burned out, he doesn't want to try anymore.  I find myself feeling horrified by her as person, incredibly sad and also wanting to shut down and wall myself off from her.  Assuming she comes back, I don't know what to even say or do anymore.  I feel like I can't find the line between holding her accountable and not feeding into her issues by being completely invalidating.  I would appreciate any words of wisdom.   

I recently went through that. The police can track her with her phone, at least they can tell you the last place it was turned on. If she's posting to instagram, that means she has access to the internet. She will probably get a probation officer when she returns home. That might sober her up. She also might get a citation, which might help her realize the seriousness of her offense.