I'm noticing some positive changes in my BPDxbf

[Lifewriter16]

Hi All,

When my BPDxbf and I were going out, he'd done 6 months in DBT and was in the process of completing 18 months in a Schema Therapy group. In December last year, he decided to call things a day and refused to have any contact with me at all. It didn't come out of the blue though, as we'd been recycling for 9 months at that point, it was our 8th breakup and it really did look absolutely and totally hopeless. He'd been told by his therapist that he no longer met the criteria for BPD yet our relationship was still amongst the unhealthiest on the planet.

Anyway, on 11th March, the anniversary of the breakup cycles starting, I knew it was the day to let go. I cried and cried in my local coffee shop and a fellow patron comforted me. I was desperate to see my BPDxbf, forever is a long time to be without someone you love. Well, I bumped into him when I left the coffee shop and he stopped and talked and I cried on his shoulder. He said he would like us to see if we could turn things around taking it very slowly so as to not frighten him and thus trigger him so much. He told me that he has joined a therapy group for men who are violent or have very strong emotions. I've no idea how long he's been doing the course, but I am noticing changes in him. Like a willingness to talk about his feelings and him encouraging me to do so too and even listening to what I say (and also to the corrections I give him when he misinterprets me). The other day he texted me as follows: "That's the point of accepting responsibility for our emotions. It allows us to take control of what's happening in our heads and separate it from what's happening in each other's heads. It allows us to be able to feel safely." He is learning.

I triggered him last night whilst we were together when I became distant and what he took to be angry/rejecting. He tried to get me to tell him what was going on for me or what he could do, but I wouldn't tell him. I could see his temper rising but instead of acting upon it (he would previously have simply walked out), he simply said he needed to take 10 minutes alone upstairs and would I go up when the 10 minutes was over? When I did, he was loving and caring towards me. I commented upon the change and asked what he had done to achieve it. He said it was a breathing technique that they've been teaching him in the group. The difference was remarkable. This morning, we talked at length about how he would send me a series of text which gradually became abusive if he didn't get an immediate reply from me. He said he knows that calling me names is wrong now and I've been able to tell him he hurt me a great deal when he called me: 'a cold, heartless b___'. He heard me without defensiveness.

It's all positive, but I am having to really make some big changes in response. I'm learning about me and not necessarily liking what I see. I am frightened at times, I feel trapped, I feel overwhelming love one moment and then in the next moment, nothing at all for him and desperately want to run away. I'm beginning to see my patterns. For instance, how I stand back from him emotionally, how I find fault with everything he does, how I want out all the time. How I lose touch with my love for him and feel nothing. We made love last night and it was beautiful, but this morning the first thing I thought when I woke up was: "WHAT THE H*LL AM I DOING HERE!" and I wanted to finish it and walk away. Then I had a moment of clarity about how changeable I am, how I move instantaneously between one way of being and another and I told him: "There's something wrong with me". We talked about it a bit. I admitted what I thought when I woke up and about me finding fault with him. It turned into a very productive discussion.

So the moral of the story is, if your BPD significant other starts to change, you may well have to change too. No doubt, I will be posting about these things I am learning about myself on the Personal Inventory Board.

Love Lifewriter

PS. I think it's time I called him my BPDbf again.

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[C.Stein]

I have to say this all sounds very positive for both of you.  

What are you doing to address your own feelings and emotions that you have perceived to be damaging?

[Lifewriter16]

Hi C.Stein.

I have to say this all sounds very positive for both of you.   

What are you doing to address your own feelings and emotions that you have perceived to be damaging?

Mainly freaking out and floundering around so far - it's not much of a strategy for personal change, I know. I feel completely at sea with it all. The process is taking me to all sorts of unfamiliar places. Right now, I feel like he's the one with some direction (he's also the one with some therapeutic input) and I'm just bringing up the rear. Personally, I think I would really benefit from some DBT but I was told by a psychologist that I'm not bad enough to qualify for it in our locality. My application for funding for counselling is still with the NHS funding body but I trust it will be made available when I am ready to make good use of it. All this waking up to myself is certainly a good preparation. It should be available soon.

Lifewriter x

[C.Stein]

Mainly freaking out and floundering around so far - it's not much of a strategy for personal change, I know. I feel completely at sea with it all.

This is perfectly understandable LF, it can all be very overwhelming when engaging in self-reflection.  The easiest way to tackle a big "project" that feels overwhelming is to break it up into smaller ones that are more manageable.   

Personally, I think I would really benefit from some DBT but I was told by a psychologist that I'm not bad enough to qualify for it in our locality. My application for funding for counselling is still with the NHS funding body but I trust it will be made available when I am ready to make good use of it. All this waking up to myself is certainly a good preparation. It should be available soon.

Have you looked into ACT?

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Acceptance_and_commitment_therapy

[Grey Kitty]

  Good work on both your parts.

And yes, if one partner grows and changes, the previous dynamic becomes unstable... .and invites the other partner to change and grow as well. From what I read, that is a good pattern in healthy relationships.

$.02 for you: Your feelings are often all over the map. That is true. It is real. It is valid. It doesn't even have to be a problem. The key is to realize that you don't have to ACT on them immediately, especially when they could do a 180 in less than 24 hours.

[Lifewriter16]

$.02 for you: Your feelings are often all over the map. That is true. It is real. It is valid. It doesn't even have to be a problem. The key is to realize that you don't have to ACT on them immediately, especially when they could do a 180 in less than 24 hours.

Yes, you're right there, Grey Kitty. I don't suppose the chances of my feelings becoming more stable are that high as asperger syndrome is characterised by similar emotional lability as BPD. I need to learn to live with them rather than assume they indicate that I need to act in accordance with them. One thing I have noticed is that I feel a really strong compulsion to act on them and I only feel relieved from that once I have acted and they are 'completed'. I then feel free to have a complete emotional turnaround. I need to sit with them not act upon them.

Thanks for popping in. Your $0.02 is very useful.

Lifewriter

x

[Grey Kitty]

Having intense feelings that are all over the map is part of the human experience.

More so when you are experiencing something like a breakup, near-breakup, reconciliation, or other very stressful life event.

People with asperger's, BPD, or other mental illnesses may have more intense mood swings than normal/healthy people do. Probably do. But finding a yardstick to measure mood swings and accurately compare them between people is pretty hard, so it is hard to say.

What I am sure about is that as you become more mentally/emotionally healthy, your ability to hold off on acting immediately increases. You develop the strength to live without the "payoff" or "relief".

Your feelings are important, and they are telling you something you need to know. They are very good at telling you when something is wrong in your life, and you do need to make changes. Please keep listening to them.

The catch is that most of the time the specific action your feelings are screaming at you to do RIGHT NOW is not going to have a good outcome.

That's where the rational/analytical side comes in... .It can figure out when and how to take actions, after your feelings have told you that something needs to be done.

[Lifewriter16]

Your feelings are important, and they are telling you something you need to know. They are very good at telling you when something is wrong in your life, and you do need to make changes. Please keep listening to them.

The catch is that most of the time the specific action your feelings are screaming at you to do RIGHT NOW is not going to have a good outcome.

That's where the rational/analytical side comes in... .It can figure out when and how to take actions, after your feelings have told you that something needs to be done.

I'm feeling pretty stupid right now... .but I see what you're saying. It makes sense.

Lifewriter

x

[Grey Kitty]

And it is OK to feel stupid upon occasion too. Try to take it as an indication that you are learning stuff!

I just re-found this quote... .

Do the best you can until you know better.

Then when you know better, do better.