my ex and i were engaged for a little over 4 years.Around 3 months before the relationship ended is when i found out she has BPD.I knew about the bipolar and seasonal depression, but forgot to tell me thats she has BPD.She also has traumatic brain injury from a horrible car accident about 12 years back. All the rages and outbursts she blames it on the TBI. She does go see a psychriarist but for bipolar and deperression. He does not know she has BPD,Her and my daughter did not get along so that was constant struggle to say the least. i do love her and miss her very much but on the hand i cant get back with her.That is the hardest part to get over. Our break up was really confusing from telling me to lets start a joint saving account to save for our wedding to already living with another guy in a week.
Hey, sorry to hear you're going through a tough breakup. How do you know she has BPD? Was she diagnosed by another T? You said she has a T already but he doesn't know she has BPD. Has she been to DBT (or ever mentioned it)?
The most important thing to decide is whether or not you're sure you want to detach and move on or if you want to try to improve and stay with her. It sounds like the r/s has had a rupture, but this doesn't mean the r/s is for certain over. I say that because many attempt to come back to their partners (or at the very least keep exes 'in orbit' as fallbacks). Some never come back or try to... .but most of us here can attest that they do come back (mine came back 3 years after we b/u. We were 3 years NC, as well).
PwBPD obviously view the world differently. They live with the constant fear of abandonment and fear of engulfment. It's like a seesaw to them, with abandonment on one end and engulfment on the other. They run headlong from one end to the other only to turn around and go the other way without slowing down. Eventually the seesaw gets to moving out of control (the pwBPD doesn't realize they are controlling the speed), so they jump off the seesaw (i.e., leave you or find another person). Then, as the old seesaw (you) starts to slow and balance, they are now straddling two see saws, but they can't fully trust the old seesaw. After all, it had gotten out of hand once and since they can't trust themselves, they don't trust the old seesaw. It must be defective since it got out of control. So, typically, they'll run back and forth on the old and new seesaw for awhile but eventually jump from the old to new. And start the process all over again on the new seesaw (i.e. New r/s).
If you have decided it's best for you to detach and go forward with your life, I suggest focusing on your healing and your own processing. As hard as it will be, don't focus on her. Focus on you! Keep posting.
