This hurt me and also made a public statement

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I dont get my feelings hurt that much i get more upset or mad. My wife removed any reference to me off of facebook. She defriended me. She took mentions of me that she made of everything. She has kept my kids as friends, family members etc. she took my picture off her profile and placed a blueline on a black background. She is getting back at me for not commenting on her posts exactly like she wanted me to etc. anyway this may sound juvinile to some on my part i will explain... .Got to run for a bit

[byfaith]

I dont get my feelings hurt that much i get more upset or mad. My wife removed any reference to me off of facebook. She defriended me. She took mentions of me that she made of everything. She has kept my kids as friends, family members etc. she took my picture off her profile and placed a blueline on a black background. She is getting back at me for not commenting on her posts exactly like she wanted me to etc. anyway this may sound juvinile to some on my part i will explain... .Got to run for a bit

[Daniell85]

I don't think it's juvenile. On your part. It's her mucking about trying to hurt you and get a reaction out of you.

Ignore her antics.

Talk here, ignore her there  

[unicorn2014]

Your wife did that? If I did that to my partner he would think I was breaking up with him. That's pretty serious and significant. Can you tell us a little bit more about where things are at right now between you and your wife?

[Notwendy]

I think online communication is more significant in a long distance relationship- so I understand that in Unicorn's situation, being unfriended on FB would mean a disconnection in that. However, when two people live together and see each other in person, there isn't much need to be FB friends.

Yes, this can feel hurtful, but in perspective, you don't have to participate in FB drama at all. It's her page, she can do what she wants with it, put up any pictures she wants. Unfriended? This is a sort of ST on FB.

If she is using FB to get into drama with you, then, you don't have to participate. You can be on FB to communicate with whoever you want. I think the point is to get a reaction from you. I'd ignore it, otherwise to get into is is reinforcing this juvenile act.

[formflier]

Ignore her antics.

Very wise advice!

Think of this from the "drama" perspective that Notwendy is talking about.  Have you read about the Karpman Drama Triangle.

What do you think you wife is trying to accomplish, as in what role is she expecting you to play and what role does she want to get into?

Many people have issues with facebook on here.  As soon as you can "show" her that the FB tool is no longer a dysfunctional tool that works for her, the sooner she will drop it.

FF

[Notwendy]

Your feelings are hurt, but if you come at this in victim position ( you hurt me) you are jumping into it with both feet. Just don't play. FB is a teen age ( and BPD)  playground. So, your wife is acting like a teen age girl. You don't have to act like one. Be the adult. FB isn't real life. Unfriending you on FB without real life action is make believe. She hasn't moved out in real life and probably has no plans to.

[unicorn2014]

Actually, if my daughter or my brother or my friend unfriended me on Facebook I would feel hurt and I neither have BPD or am a teenager. Facebook is a place where people with BPD can act out, but Facebook is a very important part of everyday life now. I think being hurt by that is a legitimate feeling.

OP, let me know if you would like me to continue to share my opinion as it is a minority on this thread and i don't want to start a controversy .

[Notwendy]

Unicorn- your opinion is welcome. Please consider that I made the distinction between the use of media in a long distance relationship and one where two people are living in the same place. I am also commenting on this  particular relationship where FB is a potentials medium for drama. I think it is perfectly reasonable to feel hurt when unfriended on FB by someone close to us. However I think we need to consider the situation as a whole when deciding how to react - or even not to.

So please feel fee to offer advice as you wish. A different opinion does not negate the contribution of other posters.

[formflier]

 

I suspect the point that Notwendy is trying to make is that since teenagers sometimes "live" in a fantasy land and sometimes pwBPD live there as well, that a "virtual reality place" (such as facebook), where you can create and present your own reality, can seem like a playground to them.


Personally, I'm not a fan of it.  I've made one FB post in my life.  My wife handed me her phone and wanted me to post something on her "wall" (I think I have terminology right) saying happy birthday to her.  History:  She is in FB all the time, it horks her off that I have zero (or perhaps less than zero) interest in facebook.  

Well, I figure "what's the harm".  I posted a warm, nice post about how I appreciated her, wished her happy birthday.  Basically best I could do on zero notice.   (cue visions of FF as a innocent sheep being led to slaughter, poor FF).

Well, apparently I didn't have enough exclamations points and I didn't say that she was the "best ever" or "better than everyone else", or something.

After I handed the phone back to her, she chewed my a$$ off and handed it to me,  

Then she proceeded to rewrite my post (since I was on her account).

Since then she has asked or nudged me to do more.

"No" is an amazing word.  No more explanation needed.

Sigh, anyone detect that I don't like FB?  

FF

[Lucky Jim]

Hey byfaith, Sure, it hurts, but that doesn't mean you should engage.  She's trying to get a reaction out of you through a passive aggressive "defriending" on FB.  Don't fall for her trap, is my suggestion.  If she has something to say to you, let her do it directly.

LuckyJim

[formflier]

https://youtu.be/4F4qzPbcFiA

[umberto]

I don't think I agree on the not engaging angle. I don't personally post a lot on Facebook, but it is a public arena to friends and family. So if your spouse uses it to hurt you in a way that is visible to a large group of people you both know, it is demeaning and publicly embarrassing and that is the very reason they did it.

Ignoring it basically says 'this doesn't get to me', but it should get to you because that is terrible behavior and can effect how others perceive you. Is it really that much different to someone suggesting to others in person that you broke up? Because the effects can be very similar.

[Grey Kitty]

  This is one of those tough and very hurtful things that is really hard to figure out how to deal with.

I've just recently read an article about online harassment, and how the law doesn't protect people from it well at all, and that online behavior isn't acknowledged as "mattering" the way real-world behavior is. This just isn't true--online behavior, abuse, harassment, and online "silent treatment" all matter just like they do in the real world.

First off, it was a painful rejection on your wife's part. It was done with the intention of hurting you, and it did hurt. Acknowledge that, and feel that.

This is the online equivalent of giving somebody the silent treatment. It is stating that you don't even exist, which is VERY abusive, and also hard to deal with constructively. We have an entire workshop on this, and I recommend you read it:

BPD BEHAVIORS: Silent treatment - verbal abuse.

Second, think about what to do before you respond. There are a lot of possible (and very natural feeling) reactions to this, and most of them won't improve things for you at all.

Obviously posting something publicly about this on facebook just makes you look bad or weak. Don't do that.

I think you know that talking to her privately and either accusing her of bad behavior or begging her to stop it isn't going to have a good result either.

One thing that will help is something I've realized about times my wife behaved badly in front of other people (mostly in person rather than online, but it applies either way)... .I am not her, even if I'm married to her. If she does something stupid, I'm not responsible for it, I don't have to fix it, and while I probably will feel embarrassed about it, I really don't have good reason to--it is her action, her choice, and it reflects on her, not on me.

If I behave well, and have good boundaries, the "right" people will notice and respect me for it. People who blame me for her actions and treat me badly based on it are showing me that I don't really need to respect their opinions, and shouldn't trust them very much.

If you believe this, it will be easier to avoid engaging in a bad way with her over this.

... .one serious thought for you: When she paints you white again, do you want to accept a friend request from her on facebook? Do you think your online life is better without being facebook friends with your wife?

[Notwendy]

Do you think your online life is better without being facebook friends with your wife?


That's a great point.

Another thing about this is boundaries about posting personal information online. Marital/relationship issues are private. Most of my FB friends and I post very little about this. If I see relationship drama online, I tend to avoid that person's posts. It would reflect more about them than about the partner.

GK has a point - you are not your wife and she will post what she wants. You don't have to participate.

Yes, it may appear like a breakup, but look at the whole picture. Someone seriously breaking up would move out and take more steps to do that than just FB.

[HopefulDad]

I think the number of times my ex unfriended/re-friended me on FB was only outdone by the number of times she gave me back (or threw at me) her wedding ring.  At some point both acts become a joke.

[byfaith]

I became a grandpa 1:54am awesome. Everyone is doing well.

I have read everyones advice. I will give my feedback and thoughts later today. I am handling it the proper way. I have not engaged her in it.

Thanks

Going to go hold my grandson!

[formflier]

 

Congrats!   

[byfaith]

Ok, advice needed so i dont mess things up by not using proper tools.

I believe i have a right to refuse to discuss anything concerning facebook with my wife. I know this will probably send her off on another tangent on me but im to the point of " i dont care" she will want to discuss this or that, get my opinion, she will wonder why so and so wont comment on her stuff. I dont want to be engaged with her. I think her use of facebook is unhealthy, not just because she defriended me.

Needs some tips on how to convey my position on this

[Grey Kitty]

I think her use of facebook is unhealthy, not just because she defriended me.

 

That is the basis for your answer!

Look at this from a boundary perspective. Her use of Facebook is HERS. You cannot change it. Further, if you try to tell her how unhealthy it is... .well, that is just going to start a fight, right?

How her Facebook use impacts you is YOURS. You can enforce boundaries to protect yourself from it.

Lucky for you, she just did the best thing possible to protect you from her crap on facebook already! She de-friended you!

What does that leave for you now?

1. Don't bring up Facebook with her. You don't need her to change anything regarding it.

2. If she asks you about it, messages you there, etc... .make it about you, not about her. A response like this would be good:

I didn't like the way we interacted on Facebook. I want to be with you in person, not online.

And don't let her pull you into a circular argument about why, blaming, etc., etc., etc. Tell her once and the discussion is over.

3. If she goes really wacko-crazy-stalker on you on Facebook, posting all sorts of stuff on mutual friends pages that are clearly aimed at you, the next step is blocking her.

4. (This isn't an action, just driving my point home) It is NOT your job to make her use Facebook in a healthier way. Let her sort that out for herself, or let others try to advise her if they want to take that risk   You may need to work on Radical Acceptance for this one.

[formflier]

 

My wife used to "poke" me with questions about what she had read and want an immediate response.

Rarely went well.

Two tactics worked well.

1.  "the dodge".  "That is an intriguing story, I can see how that would concern you (or some other "light validation".  I'll need to give it some thought."  On the next "counter" I would focus more on listening for emotion or asking about emotion.  Goal here has nothing to do with FB, it's about figuring out if there is anything I can validate.  Note:  I don't validate well, so this is struggle for me, takes intentional effort.  Only attempt this if you are on top of your game.

2.  "the no".  Much simpler.  If you are in a bad place (low self care, tired, etc etc) it is likely you can pull off a neutral delivery of something similar to what GK proposed.  Also, this is much more honest, which means you can likely give a better delivery.

FF

[Notwendy]

Congrats on the grandbaby!

I agree with GK on the in person boundary. You could even consider not bringing up FB at all. It might be construed as a criticism of her. Her FB page is her domain. She can do what she wants with it.

Yours is yours and that is where the boundary can be. One way to say this is:

I prefer to keep my relationship with you private and face to face.



This can be your decision not as a response to her action, but because it reflects your boundary.

If you say "I didn't like the way we interacted on Facebook. I want to be with you in person, not online." this could shift the focus to blaming you " well if you didn't do this ,I wouldn't have done that" or " well I didn't do anything wrong" or something like that.

I am on FB. But I have some pretty strict boundaries on it. No drama, no politics, my relationship is strictly private. My status is married- because I am, and I think it sends a message that I am not available. Many of my friends are in long term relationships, and do the same. Nothing is posted about their personal relationships.

You can be on FB with your own boundaries, and your wife can be on hers with hers. Yours can include sticking to the in person/private boundary and not accepting a friend request. But keeping it positive "I prefer to speak to you face to face" instead of a negative " I don' t like the way we interacted on FB" might be a better way to state it.

[byfaith]

I never mention FB to her. If she says something about FB in anyway I try to just listen for a minute and not engage with her. She has not "pulled" me into anything yet.

I will say that her not even updating her status to married bothers me but I am not going to say anything. I bought her roses a few weeks ago and on her own she posted them on FB and noted " just because he loves me" I guess she shared it to my wall or whatever you call it? Tagged me or something? and then she had posted a picture of me and commented about me being a handsome husband. ( just let me share my being slighted, I know I can't control her) but she deleted all of that. Again this bothers me but I will not say anything.

NOW here is my biggest issue. I refuse to bring it up and let her know it bothers me. There were all kinds of posts about my grandson being born , pics etc by people in my family that my wife is friends with on FB. She made no likes or comments on any of them, which is fine. She then proceeds to post her own picture of my (our) newborn grandson. She writes all of this sweet stuff in her post. The issue is that she didn't comment on any of anyone else's because she feels she is being "ignored" as a step grandmother.

maybe no one even notices how she eliminated traces of me from her page. Also to top it off she became friends with someone (male) after she defriended me, someone she hung around a lot before we met. I know he was interested in her. I know she wasn't interested in him that way but it still sucks.

She is friends with family members of mine that she has never met yet. We have been together for five years. It isn't my fault she has not met them.

From my perspective it is just a weird social media situation. If any more issues come up between us over this I will ask for more advice. I think I am handling it ok for now.