What did they choose over you?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I have a decent job. Three bedroom 2 1/2 bath house. Had a room set up for her children when she has them In summer and at Christmas.  Provided stability, security, future, etc. treated her really well in spite of my failings. 

But she chose to live with a girl ten years younger, farther away from her work by 20 minutes or more, smaller house that is not hers (whereas my house was becoming ours). She chose men and women who also seem to have little direction or future.  Going to bars, partying, girls nights out.  She chose to be with people who have fun with her and don't challenge her to grow and no doubt some of which don't have her best interest at heart and wouldn't be there for her when things get tough.

But maybe she is really happier now. I don't know. It sure seems like it.

What did yours choose over you? 

[Scopikaz]

I have a decent job. Three bedroom 2 1/2 bath house. Had a room set up for her children when she has them In summer and at Christmas.  Provided stability, security, future, etc. treated her really well in spite of my failings. 

But she chose to live with a girl ten years younger, farther away from her work by 20 minutes or more, smaller house that is not hers (whereas my house was becoming ours). She chose men and women who also seem to have little direction or future.  Going to bars, partying, girls nights out.  She chose to be with people who have fun with her and don't challenge her to grow and no doubt some of which don't have her best interest at heart and wouldn't be there for her when things get tough.

But maybe she is really happier now. I don't know. It sure seems like it.

What did yours choose over you? 

[Confused?]

Mine chose to not seek treatment for her BPD. So she will continue a life of poor choices and failed relationships.

[steelwork]

I have a decent job. Three bedroom 2 1/2 bath house. Had a room set up for her children when she has them In summer and at Christmas.  Provided stability, security, future, etc. treated her really well in spite of my failings. 

But she chose to live with a girl ten years younger, farther away from her work by 20 minutes or more, smaller house that is not hers (whereas my house was becoming ours). She chose men and women who also seem to have little direction or future.  Going to bars, partying, girls nights out.  She chose to be with people who have fun with her and don't challenge her to grow and no doubt some of which don't have her best interest at heart and wouldn't be there for her when things get tough.

But maybe she is really happier now. I don't know. It sure seems like it.

What did yours choose over you? 

I think this is the wrong way to look at it. It's not a "choice" like that, like voting for class president. I think it's a reaction--like the way some (usually younger) guys will tell their buddies to go out and play the field and sow their wild oats when they get out of a relationship.

About the living situation: I don't know... .maybe that's what she can afford on her own. The last time I broke up with someone, I had to move into an apartment with three people who were 10-15 years younger than me, because it was cheap. I didn't prefer it, and it wasn't a measure of "how much I wanted to get away from" my ex (as he said to me)--I wasn't with him for the posh amenities, after all.

But to answer the question about who he's with now: someone 16 years younger than him, someone who he used to be openly scornful of, whose talents he derided. Someone who was extremely openly competitive with and rude to me, even when I tried to be friendly with her. I used to think this was his way of getting back at me, but I no longer do. I no longer presume to understand it!

[Scopikaz]

I know what you're saying. I know she doesn't prefer to live there either. But to me in and of itself it's not that big of a deal either.  When my wife and I separated four years ago I lived with someone younger in an apartment.  But I paid my fair share to live there. More than half actually because I helped him out some. He too was younger.  But - she is paying 1/4 of cost to live there.  And she can afford a little more. It's like she's taking advantage of it. 

And taken together with all the other things about her it paints a larger picture. 

[WoundedBibi]

Hi Scopikaz,

Thinking about your question some stuff actually started to make sense to me...

After I broke up with my uBPDbf he tried to recycle me. I fell for it once. Stupid. After that we tried, no  I tried, to be civil colleagues. He kept trying to suck me back in. Making remarks about needing a nice blonde, wanting to buy me a bikini so he could see me in it, etc. Not the remarks you make to just another colleague. I stayed cool and did not react or said stuff like "a bikini? A Mercedes Benz would be more useful, I could use that all year round". The last thing he wanted was for me to fill out his Personal Improvement Plan. He wasn't functioning as well as his manager wanted so he needed to fill this form out and come up with what to improve and how. And he really didn't know what to fill out as he could not see he needed to improve on anything (... ). So if I could do it for him because I was so smart. And I said 'no'. "I'm willing to help you, but I'm not going to fill it out for you. It is YOUR PIP." He did not like that. Of course he never got back to the subject. After that things got very bad and the smear campaigne against me started for real. He used triangulation. His best friend (another blonde girl) who was also worked there got very involved. I knew they spent a lot of time together and they were very close so I had had my doubts about the 2 of them already. He kept hinting they were an item now but never actually said so. He went on holiday for a few weeks which meant I could breathe for a bit. Also she suddenly became a little civil to me. I now know another colleague he used to hang out with (a guy from his own country) started a relationship with the blonde at that time. He probably thought "now or never" as my ex couldn't monopolizing her then. This supply also drying up, it makes sense he was asked to leave 2-2.5 months later. He probably chose another supply at work as he cannot be without supply without spiraling into a major depression and it must have blown up in his face... He got kicked out a few weeks later and is now has a blog where he moans about his abandoned heart and how you cannot put out a fire with tears. He is in a fullswing crisis probably. Dismissed, no new job, no more colleagues to use as supply apart from the ones he meets in the pub and gets drunk or high with. No wonder he looked like crap in the picture I found of New Years Eve with 5-6 friends in his own country (in which, really weird, they don't all smile but they all look at the camera apart from him. He doesn't smile and looks up at the ceiling). So, to answer you, he chose his best friend over me thinking she would be his supply. Whether or not they were an item at the time he and I were, had sex, I don't know. But he gambled wrong as she is now on cloud 9 with another guy. One that does remind me of my ex, but with less issues if any as far as I can tell and who doesn't binge drink 6 nights out of 7. So he lost both of us as primary supply and his job.

[WoundedBibi]

So Scopikaz, thank you for a new "oh... .that's probably what happened while I was away on sickleave"-insight 

But no, I really don't think your ex is happier now. She might seem that way but you can't expect her to show openly she isn't... A pwBPD wouldn't do that. Or if they did for just a few minutes. IMO a pwBPD can never be really happy. Not for more than a glorious short moment. They don't know how. So don't think she is happy now and you have lost out. She isn't happy. She might pretend to be and flaunt the pretence but that's it. Stay strong!

[Anez]

Mine developed BPD over the years, most likely from rough stuff that happened in her childhood, and therefore is unable to sustain a healthy and lasting relationship.

[Concerns]

In a different context, mine is choosing to surround herself with people she can convince there is nothing wrong with her. She uses that to juxtapose the need for her to be medicated and be in talk therapy. She uses it as a justification for not getting help. So she chooses other men and party girls to create the illusion with her in order for her to be able to divert herself from the real work she needs to do.

[MapleBob]

She chose her ex-husband (as a "best friend" / guy she also hates), daughter, travel, and quilting over me. I guess. One thing I can say from what little I know about her life now: she doesn't seem to be seeking out romantic relationships, so maybe she chose "getting herself together" over me/men. That's probably a good thing.

[JerryRG]

My ex found a guy, not too picky either as it was the first guy she seen according to my friends who know her, she and him started a relationship the first week and were engaged about a month after meeting. She posted this on FB and got so much static from her friends and family that she made a new FB account and deleted everyone who told her she could not possibly be in love this soon, she wanted us to be engaged as well the first few weeks we were together. She post pictures of him and her looking all in love and smiling, this guy looks like he's never had a gf, my opinion no jealousy here, hmmm. Ok he's about 4'9" and 90 lbs.

She posted about a month ago that "I thought you were in love with me and now my heart is being thrown into the fire" so not all is going well, maybe she was referring to me? HAHA! Anyway she is really playing this up as they are the happiest love birds in the world, she sure wasn't happy around me, constant complaints no matter how much I tried to please her.

I got frustrated one night and unblocked her entire mob, her family included to see what would happen if they ever were to try spying on my FB and I typed her name and WOW she unblocked me for the first time in months.  I don't hide any of my info on FB, not sure how to interpret this (don't sound too obsessed do I?) and yeah I'm sure she's been snooping around. She used to know where I was all the darn time stalking me and now that I've gone NC I have seen her once in 4 months. She's a strange little creature... .LOL

Is it any wonder I loved her? How else can anyone get this much excitement and adventure in Eastern South Dakota in winter?

Oh there is going outside and freezing to death... .that would be fun too.

[Jazzy]

Mine chose a woman 15 years older than me, 10 years older than him. She just retired and he feels secure she will " never leave" him as  (in his words) "she will always be there to take care of me as she will not find anybody else at this age ."

[adaw]

drugs, gambling, destructive behavior directionless people and losers. idiotic tv shows the worthless ramblings of people living in the past

[paperlung]

I was 22 and she was 20 at the time. She chose to have an online affair with a man literally twice her age who lives on the other side of the world. After I found this out, I broke up with her and then he took the next flight over here to see her. One day later she's crying on the phone to me telling me she's sorry.

[gundam94]

Mine left a sure thing for a possible relationship. She left just a week before I was going to ask her to marry me. She had an emotional affair with a guy after he confessed his "undying love" for her. That's when she started pursuing him and distancing herself from me.

But now I've heard that he's interested in other women now and my ex is confused.