I need a fix

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello everyone, this moring I woke up feeling great, finally over a round of colds and sinis infections that lasted about 3 weeks. Two separate prescription drugs to get well, wore me down physically. This afternoon after work that feeling rose up inside me wanting to see my ex, be with her, hold her kiss her... . 

Wait a minute I was just thinking how creepy she acted and waves of horrible memories flowed through my mind, her lies, her manipulation, her utter and complete selfishness, her cruel sarcasms and disrepect... .

Why does this happen, why long to be treated like this? What need inside me could possibly explain why I would ever spit on her if she were on fire. It's wrong to hate right? We are suppose to love everyone right? Where else in time did I feel this desperate need for love and reassurance from someone I depended on for love, acceptance and security... .

Oh... .No... .not her?

I know this sounds so insane but there were actual times when the lighting was just so, the mood just so, the abiance just there... .

I would look at my ex BPD and see my mother. This happened most often at night while she slept when she was quiet and still and inanimate. Then I realize I am with her because of the emptiness my mother could not, would not fill me? Mothers conditional love was thin at best and nonexistent at worst. Recreating my horrible childhood and relationship with my mother?

She touched me or as she put it, secret baths in the dark alone on our couch, I remember waking up wondering how I got there and the pain and her telling me I was just dreaming and to go back to sleep. Dozens of times I woke up and the times I could go back to sleep or go there? Until I was old enough and strong enough to figure out this was not right and knowing how to ask questions.

I don't know when it started but it ended before or around age 5 or 6. I always knew it happend but it was always on that edge of reality just about beyond the limits of my reach. I was in my late 20s when I confronted my mother and she admitted doing it, her explanation was she was cleaning me, they didn't curcumsis me and I needed special attention. When asked why she did this in the dark all alone she would get agitated and say she didn't remember that far into the past.

To this day I'm still wondering what this did to my pshyci and yes I do dicossiate but only when with certain people like trusted councelors, I can go numb, feel like I'm floating and just disipear into quiet. Sometimes I wish I could do this on demand to relieve stress, the ultimate relaxation and vacation from reality.

Why do I need a fix of abuse?

[JerryRG]

Hello everyone, this moring I woke up feeling great, finally over a round of colds and sinis infections that lasted about 3 weeks. Two separate prescription drugs to get well, wore me down physically. This afternoon after work that feeling rose up inside me wanting to see my ex, be with her, hold her kiss her... . 

Wait a minute I was just thinking how creepy she acted and waves of horrible memories flowed through my mind, her lies, her manipulation, her utter and complete selfishness, her cruel sarcasms and disrepect... .

Why does this happen, why long to be treated like this? What need inside me could possibly explain why I would ever spit on her if she were on fire. It's wrong to hate right? We are suppose to love everyone right? Where else in time did I feel this desperate need for love and reassurance from someone I depended on for love, acceptance and security... .

Oh... .No... .not her?

I know this sounds so insane but there were actual times when the lighting was just so, the mood just so, the abiance just there... .

I would look at my ex BPD and see my mother. This happened most often at night while she slept when she was quiet and still and inanimate. Then I realize I am with her because of the emptiness my mother could not, would not fill me? Mothers conditional love was thin at best and nonexistent at worst. Recreating my horrible childhood and relationship with my mother?

She touched me or as she put it, secret baths in the dark alone on our couch, I remember waking up wondering how I got there and the pain and her telling me I was just dreaming and to go back to sleep. Dozens of times I woke up and the times I could go back to sleep or go there? Until I was old enough and strong enough to figure out this was not right and knowing how to ask questions.

I don't know when it started but it ended before or around age 5 or 6. I always knew it happend but it was always on that edge of reality just about beyond the limits of my reach. I was in my late 20s when I confronted my mother and she admitted doing it, her explanation was she was cleaning me, they didn't curcumsis me and I needed special attention. When asked why she did this in the dark all alone she would get agitated and say she didn't remember that far into the past.

To this day I'm still wondering what this did to my pshyci and yes I do dicossiate but only when with certain people like trusted councelors, I can go numb, feel like I'm floating and just disipear into quiet. Sometimes I wish I could do this on demand to relieve stress, the ultimate relaxation and vacation from reality.

Why do I need a fix of abuse?

[C.Stein]

Why do I need a fix of abuse?

This is a good question Jerry.  Do you feel you deserve it?  If you do can you identify why you think you deserve to be abused?

[JerryRG]

Hello Stein.

Of coarse the obvious answer is no, no one deserves to be abused. I'm sure my issues run much deeper than my conscience allows me to see. It's just what I've read about how people such as myself are set up to attract BPDs, I truly believe this because I married a drug addict knowing she was addicted to valuim. I am a rescuer in deed, and knowledge is power, awareness is the beginning and action is the solution. I kicked them both to the curb after I realized I was in a hopeless situation. I am growing and healing and getting stronger.

Thanks to all the support in my life, including you here in these forums. We work together to heal and pray for those who are and will run head on into the cold wall of BPD relationships. 

Thank you all, have a great day!

[anothercasualty]

Hello Stein.

I am a rescuer in deed, and knowledge is power, awareness is the beginning and action is the solution. I kicked them both to the curb after I realized I was in a hopeless situation. I am growing and healing and getting stronger.

Thanks to all the support in my life, including you here in these forums. We work together to heal and pray for those who are and will run head on into the cold wall of BPD relationships. 

Thank you all, have a great day!

Thank you for that message. Indeed, we do work together to at least attempt to avoid the cold wall!

I hope you have a great day!

[JerryRG]

Hello anothercasualty,

You are welcome and thank you.

If you're going through hell, keep going.

Winston Churchill