Is this triangulation?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello all,

I did something yesterday and I am not sure if it was right or wrong.

As you all know, boyfriend broke up with me (again) a week ago. I've been working hard this time on me, exploring my own feelings and actions... .doing self care and trying to open myself up to a better understanding of this relationship. Right now I don't know what to do when he writes me the apology letter I will get in approximately three weeks to three months. I'm in a lot of pain but not as much pain as previous break-ups.

So yesterday I saw boyfriend's sister. Backstory is she and I have been very close during this relationship. I don't have a family myself, and a big part of the relationship was getting this "bonus" sister. I really love her, and I think we have a pretty healthy friendship. She has MS and I like to visit her, help out when I can. She offers me a lot of support for my work stress and I consider her a close female friend, very much like a real sister.

Another part of our friendship is her sharing with me their family history. I think for the most part this has been helpful. She seems to take a compassionate but clear-eyed view of her brother. I don't see her as defending him, or painting him black either. She's a pretty wise person.

Yesterday she started telling me how boyfriend called her the other day, crying. I thought I should tell her to stop, but I didn't. I ended up discussing the situation with her. We have talked before and she expresses she wants what is best for us, whether it is staying together or being apart. This time she did the same. She expressed she thinks he is "lost" and lacks the capacity to reflect on how he got that way... .he just justifies his behaviors in an endless loop.

Anyhow, I walked away from the visit feeling really upset, anxious and worked up. I really need to examine why I talked to her about this, and why it didn't feel helpful at all. I felt a lot of the FOG around being told he was doing his crying act. And anger that he always makes it about him.

Then I thought maybe what I did with her is the same thing he does with me, which is triangulation.

Was her talking to me and me talking about the relationship triangulation? I don't feel I have many people I can talk to, which is part of the reason I post here a lot and use this board. How can you tell when discussing your relationship is healthy and how can you tell when it is unhealthy?

[HurtinNW]

Hello all,

I did something yesterday and I am not sure if it was right or wrong.

As you all know, boyfriend broke up with me (again) a week ago. I've been working hard this time on me, exploring my own feelings and actions... .doing self care and trying to open myself up to a better understanding of this relationship. Right now I don't know what to do when he writes me the apology letter I will get in approximately three weeks to three months. I'm in a lot of pain but not as much pain as previous break-ups.

So yesterday I saw boyfriend's sister. Backstory is she and I have been very close during this relationship. I don't have a family myself, and a big part of the relationship was getting this "bonus" sister. I really love her, and I think we have a pretty healthy friendship. She has MS and I like to visit her, help out when I can. She offers me a lot of support for my work stress and I consider her a close female friend, very much like a real sister.

Another part of our friendship is her sharing with me their family history. I think for the most part this has been helpful. She seems to take a compassionate but clear-eyed view of her brother. I don't see her as defending him, or painting him black either. She's a pretty wise person.

Yesterday she started telling me how boyfriend called her the other day, crying. I thought I should tell her to stop, but I didn't. I ended up discussing the situation with her. We have talked before and she expresses she wants what is best for us, whether it is staying together or being apart. This time she did the same. She expressed she thinks he is "lost" and lacks the capacity to reflect on how he got that way... .he just justifies his behaviors in an endless loop.

Anyhow, I walked away from the visit feeling really upset, anxious and worked up. I really need to examine why I talked to her about this, and why it didn't feel helpful at all. I felt a lot of the FOG around being told he was doing his crying act. And anger that he always makes it about him.

Then I thought maybe what I did with her is the same thing he does with me, which is triangulation.

Was her talking to me and me talking about the relationship triangulation? I don't feel I have many people I can talk to, which is part of the reason I post here a lot and use this board. How can you tell when discussing your relationship is healthy and how can you tell when it is unhealthy?

[Lou12]

Hi HNW

Sorry to hear of your recent split.

I personally wouldn't say this was triangulation but someone else may disagree and offer a analysis of how they think it is.

What I would say with regards to healthy conversation v's unhealthy with his sister is how you described how you felt when you walked away from the conversation. You say you felt anxious, upset etc... I think a lot more emphasis should be spent on us listening to our gut instinct.

I defiantly believe being in relationships with cluster b's stops a lot of ppl from following their gut and pushing aside what their body is trying to tell them. Scientifically the brain and gut are very connected. On that note if your body indicates to you that the encounter with his sister didn't feel good then trust that your gut is doing its job.

X

[Daniell85]

My understanding of triangulation is when you set up a person to act on your behalf ( for good or ill ) with someone you are trying to effect.

For example if YOU had contacted your ex's sister to give him some sort of message on your behalf. Or HE had his sister tell you off. It puts her in the middle as rescuer, him as persecuter or you as a victim... .or any one of you in any of those positions.

It comes from a victim standpoint and starts that karpman drama triangle. Something most of us are attempting to stay off of... .

[HurtinNW]

Yes, that makes sense. Given he is giving me his silent treatment, then I do think that him talking to his sister and trying to get her on his "side" was probably his effort at triangulation.

I think my gut is telling me that as much as I love her, I need to find others to talk about him with. She is his sister after all and I don't want her caught in the middle.

Thanks!

[Notwendy]

I think that you have the answer: find someone else to talk about her brother with. In the broader sense, it is triangulation to tell your side of the story to her and also hear about him.

But- this is progress- you felt bad about it. Pay attention to those feelings- they are your higher self speaking to you. Consider that, when you feel this way around someone, that person isn't doing something to you to cause the feelings. You feel this way when your better self, your boundaries, are violated- when you let yourself down.

I think when we focus on someone else- like when you were focused on your ex, we don't pay attention to our own feelings. These are a warning signal. When I feel this way, I am starting to step on the triangle, or JADEing, or being co-dependent.

We don't get this all at once, and we aren't perfect people. We do something like this and then say "uh oh". But the more we tune into these feelings the better we are at recognizing them. You knew something was up when she started talking about her brother crying.

You have a relationship with this sister, and you can still be friends, but you know that she is always connected to him and so, for you to really separate from him, there needs to be a boundary for both of you to not discuss the relationship. For now it may even be painful to speak of him at all. I would have been like the elephant in the room to not say something, but it didn't need to be as involved. You could simply say that, for now ,it is best not to mention him since the feelings are still hard to deal with. And, find someone - an impartial friend, therapist, to discuss your feelings about the relationship.

Don't be hard on yourself- you are tuned into your feelings and this is a good thing.

[HurtinNW]

Thank you notwendy. I am feeling better about it now. His sister and I have a lot in common: we are both the high functioning, aware people who survived awful families. I really do think she is a special person and want to have her in my life no matter. She has said the same about me.

I tend to be too hard on myself so hearing I can listen to those gut feelings and it is good... .that means a lot. It is stepping outside the triangle for me, I just realized.

[unicorn2014]

I think trust your instincts on this one. I'm not in this situation with my fiancé but my ex husband has a lot of sisters and I could not stand the way some of them defended him. They definitely did not have my best interests at  That of course is different from your situation however I do remember forging a relationship with my ex's twin and that was a big mistake. Blood always comes before love.  I was kind of like you, came from a small nuclear family, my ex had a big extended family.

May I ask why you are willing to go through so many break and make up cycles?

[HurtinNW]

May I ask why you are willing to go through so many break and make up cycles?

That's the million dollar question, unicorn!

In the past every time he did this I would be adamant we weren't getting back together. In fact I found these boards following one of his rage and break up routines and began posting on the detaching board. But then what has happened is my feelings of hurt and anger subside, and he apologizes, and we try again.

What is different this time is I am using this time to examine ME. I am doing tons of reading, active meditation, and posting and reading here. Instead of focusing on how he acted I am looking at my role in all this, including why I am willing to go through so many recycles.

There is a lot to it, but I am realizing how much this relationship mimics my family dynamics, including a mentally ill BPD mother who engaged in much the same behaviors as my boyfriend. I struggle with a lot of fears: fears I am going to be alone my entire life, fears what my mother and boyfriend say about me is true, fears it is my fault. I had never felt as loved and adored as I did when boyfriend idealized me the first six months, and I have never felt as hurt and destroyed as when he kicked me off the pedestal and began devaluing me. I am getting a much better understanding about how much this relationship has been in my head: my hopes and dreams. Having to truly let go and detach means confronting a huge loss and having to grieve it, and rather than just say I am going to do it, I am trying to get a realistic understanding of how I got here. I'm taking inventory and definitely looking in the mirror!

[Grey Kitty]

$.02 on the sister and triangulation... .

Neither of you was really taking the role of being the victim of him, and neither of you was really taking the role of rescuing the other from his persecution. Maybe a tiny bit, but not much, and not seriously.

I would say that it either isn't triangulation, or is very mild as that goes.

That said... .talking to his sister about him and their family history doesn't have to be triangulation to be a bad idea for you right now. And pretty clearly it didn't make you feel good, so the advice that you find other people to talk about him is very sound, whatever label you give to the problems there.

I would suggest that if you do reconcile again, at that point, you might find you feel differently about this kind of discussion with his sister. Be open to things changing.

What is different this time is I am using this time to examine ME. I am doing tons of reading, active meditation, and posting and reading here. Instead of focusing on how he acted I am looking at my role in all this, including why I am willing to go through so many recycles.

And this is going to serve you very well... .whether you reconcile, or whether you don't. Keep up the good but hard work!

[unicorn2014]

Thank you for your reply hurt in nw. I guess you and I are in the same boat for different reasons. I'm tired of the emotional ups and downs and am wondering if its worth it. I'm trying to recover from my FOO and I'm not sure if my current relationship keeps me stuck. I also notice that is very hard for me to resist reacting to my fiancé, which again I'm not sure is healthy for me, and is a different issue. I hope that you can find the confidence you need to make the best decision for yourself.