Vicious circle

[palmtr33]

Hi, I`m really hoping someone can offer some advice please? I`ve been with my partner a couple of years and he has recently been diagnosed as having "Unstable personality disorder". From what i`ve read this is similar or same as BPD? I struggle with being able to tell him how I feel when something he does or says upsets me. He has started going a lot lately and we are spending less and less time together. He constantly says he "senses" something is wrong and questions me about it, but when i try to discuss it with him and ask that we spend a bit more time together he turns it around and says I am being needy and shouldn`t have a problem with it. He always wants to know "whats wrong?" but cannot or will not accept my feelings and always blames me. Its got to the stage where I dread another confrontation, I always feel trampled. Is there a way of communicating effectively? Its seems impossible to have any meaningful conversations without being blamed for everything and anything.

Thanks for any advice

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[C.Stein]

Hello palmtr33 

Communication with a borderline can be extremely challenging and difficult.  In my own case at times I was just left feeling confused and unheard.  It is doubly frustrating when you attempt to communicate your feelings and thoughts and they get twisted and warped by the other person. 

A good place to start learning how to better your relationship and communication skills is by reading through the lessons.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206

There is a lot of information there to process.  Please don't hesitate to ask questions if you have any.

[palmtr33]

Thankyou, I will do that   

[an0ught]

Hi palmtr33,

He always wants to know "whats wrong?" but cannot or will not accept my feelings and always blames me. Its got to the stage where I dread another confrontation, I always feel trampled. Is there a way of communicating effectively? Its seems impossible to have any meaningful conversations without being blamed for everything and anything.

 this is a question that you can not answer. You are not his therapist - I hope he got one - has he? Any attempt to answer this question will be inadequate and perceived as invalidating. That then makes him more excited and less logical and boom! The best way to handle it would be a boundary - i.e. you commit not talking with him about what is wrong at this point in time. Find a short way to say no and prepare to leave the area if he does not listen. Check out the boundary workshops.

Communication in a relationship with a pwBPD at least for a long time initially should not be problem solving oriented but focused on emotional stability. This is not ignoring real issues but is moving everyone to a place where eventually real issues can be tackled. C. Stein pointed you to a good starting point.

,

a0