Don't Know What's Real Or Not

[ophnoh]

I was actually on these boards years ago... .please forgive the length

I have a BPD mother. Or so i think. My father claims she was diagnosed with BPD as well as bipolar disorder... .my mother claims she hasn't been diagnosed with either and that my father made it up to make her seem like an unfit parent. My childhood was very unstable. My mother is currently on her fourth husband.She and my dad split up because she had an affair with her client (she's an attorney) who was in prison for murder. My mother still adamantly denies this, though my father did show me the love letters he had found between the two of them. During the years before she found her second husband my father reported her to CPS for neglect, etc. When I had lice she supposedly neglected to wash my sheets after having treatments and she rarely did very motherly or caring things for us. I recall points in time when me and my brother (who has autism and who I tried take care of when I was little) would share a box of croutons for supper. Her and my dad's divorce went on for years. She accused my paternal grandfather of molesting me (I still don't know if it happened or not... .I have no memory of it. My dad claims she made it up to get back at him.) and a big chunk of my childhood from what I recall was the custody battle and testifying in court against my grandfather (my mother wrote me a script, I do remember that).

Her second husband (B) was from a mafia family. B himself had an extremely low IQ but quite a bit of money because his family took care of him financially. I suspect my mother married him for financial reasons. He was a severe hoarder (one of my earliest childhood memories is of my mother bringing me and my brother to our "new home" and not being able to enter the house because of the things piled to the ceiling... .when we ended up moving in the house itself was like a labyrinth). While my mother was married to to B she had an affair with C. She used to use me as an excuse to goose him. She's tell B that she was taking meow for ice cream, to go shopping, to go to the movies etc and then would meet up with C instead and used to make me keep it a secret for her.

When I was 11, she ended up taking me and C to her home country for a vacation, leaving my brother with B. Somehow B found out that my mother was having an affair and when we got back from vacation I literally lost everything except for whatever I had packed in my suitcase. We all moved in with C and literally a week after her divorce with B was finalized she and C got married.

She and C ended up having my half-sister a few years later. At this time she was especially nasty to me... .would often get into these moods where a little thing I did would set her off and she's sit me down at the table and yell at me for hours and hours on end. During this time my mother also had an affair with a former high school sweetheart, who I will call D. C found out about D and went on this rampage where he physically assaulted my mother and attempted to harm me, my brother (who due to his autism didn't even know what was happening), and my infant sister. I actually had to barricade them in my room and call the police. I had severe PTSD from this incident for years to come, as he was threatening to smother my infant sister in her cradle and literally tried to jump on and strangle my brother before I managed to pull my brother away and hide him in my room. Literally one day after C got arrested/after the incident, D moved in.

D was a horrible person who very openly watched pornography/left porn around the house for me to find. He also very openly was sleeping with various other women besides my mother. At this point in time I was a very self-conscious teen (I was 15) and she would often make a point to point out my physical flaws to him, often saying things like: "Look at her. Doesn't she look terrible? So slovenly (she LOVED to call me that) We need to get you on weight watchers. You take after your father's side... .they're all fat." etc. She started having an affair with her boss, E within a few months and, again, I was used as an excuse to go see him. On my 16th birthday she took me on a small weekend trip to a major city... .only for me to discover that she booked a hotel room with E and, again, I had to keep it a secret. D ended up finding out and, again, the next day E moved in. I begged my mother to not have a man live with us for at least a couple of months... .but she get extremely angry and accused me of not wanting her to be happy. I begged and pleaded and she went about a week without E. She was convinced that D was living in our walls and watching us/got extremely paranoid so he moved back in with us and, within 3 months they were engaged and got married a few months later.

Around this time she would attack my appearance/weight... .call me an amoeba, a parasite that sucked the life out of her. She would call me anti-semitic slurs (as my dad is Jewish)... .say she was ashamed and embarrassed to be my mother etc. There was a time she tried to push me out of her car while driving because I lost one of my baby sister's shoes. Honestly my high school years were hellish. To this day (I'm 26) I still can't drive a car. My mother wouldn't let me and convinced me I wasn't smart enough to ever drive. I had very few friends because any friend I'd make she'd decide she hated. There are so many experiences, milestones I have been deprived of because of how she was. Boyfriends I've had have joked that I almost seem like an alien at times just discovering the world around me... .and it's kind of true. She had obscene control over me. When I was 18, 19 I had to have an appointment with my gynecologist and I told my mother I wanted to go alone (which I'm pretty sure is normal, right?)... .she proceeded toast me down at the kitchen table with my sister, brother, and stepdad and they took turns screaming at me and telling me how awful of a person i was for not allowing my mother to be there for my pap smear. She has a tendency to turn my siblings against me which is the most painful thing in the world for me because I absolutely love my siblings and it hurts that at the drop of a hat she can convince them to hate me.

I moved away (or ran away, really) at 19. She bullied me into going to college right own the street from her... .and my situation was the same. I had no friends because she'd require me to babysit my sister every weekend and had almost complete control over my life. I met a boy and out of desperation to get away from her moved with him completely across the country.

I guess I've been ok the past several years. I definitely have found myself drawn to abusive people when it comes to my romantic relationships. I've been in two relationships where they were emotionally abusive, controlling, verbally abusive and, in some cases, physically abusive. Sine I moved my mother and I have gone through periods without contact. She's never visited me in the 6 years I've been here, despite promising to. My father has helped me financially and with school. I'm graduating in a few months. I should be excited. However, I'm dreading it.

During my high school graduation it turned into this ___ing hot mess of drama because she felt I was more gracious to my dad than to her... .and it turned into one of those 6 hours sessions of her and my siblings taking turns yelling at me. I don't want that at my graduation. Plus... .she hasn't given me a dime in the years I've been gone despite the fact that she and her current husband are very wealthy. I feel as though she hasn't really earned the right to be there considering how she has treated me in my life. I communicated this to my father and he decided to take me on a vacation as a graduation gift during the weekend of my graduation... .that way I wouldn't have to deal with her. Well, it's become a completely war between her and I. She's telling me that I've been cruel and insensitive towards her. She's saying that I am being horrible to my siblings, who she claims are heartbroken now. She's now claiming that she planned to surprise me with family from overseas and I ruined everything for everyone etc etc. I kind of snapped while speaking with her today because she went on about how my entire life I've made everything much worse for myself than I should... .and it made me SO ANGRY because as a child I NEVER asked for what I went through. I NEVER deserved what I endured... .and I am NOT going to take that kind of treatment from anybody again. I told her this (I was on speaker phone so my brother, who as I said is autistic and automatically parrots whatever she says, could join in) and she claimed she never was abusive in any way and if I thought that I clearly just wanted to play victim for my entire life.

I don't know... .this triggered me a lot. I sometimes wonder if I am just playing victim. I sometimes wonder if what I went through was even all that bad. Even if it was that bad... .people have been through worse and probably are doing much better than me/are better people than me. I guess another thing that makes me question if what I went through was undeserved/abusive is the fact that she is AMAZING toward my sister. Like... .despite the fact that my sister's dad moved away to another country after he tried to attack us that one night, my sister's living situation is very stable. She's always lived in the same house growing up. She has friends. she's allowed to have hobbies (whenever I had a hobby it was used against me), interests, a life. My mom finds her beautiful, while she always told me I was ugly and fat. My mom is saving money up for her college education (she wants my sister to go to an ivy league) while she never paid a single dime toward mine. I feel horrible for being upset about this. I don't wish what I went through upon my sister... .but it makes me pretty ___ing angry that she's suddenly mother of the year for my sister. It makes me question if there was just something about me that made her treat me the way she did, if it was my fault. If it was the fact that she really did think I was ugly... .or if she truly thought I was stupid or dull. I don't know. It just hurts a lot.

I wish I knew what was normal. I wish I had a way to let all this anger and sadness out. I wish I could truly heal... .that I deserved to heal. I wish I knew what was real.

[Turkish]

ophnoh,

That's a story of horrible abuse on so many levels. Not to go armchair clinical, but even if she painted you the scapegoat due to her hatred of you father, her behaviors are neither your responsibility, nor your fault. She treated you horribly. She didn't protect you when you were a child.

Though college graduations are in my opinion like weddings, about YOU, there is still the pageantry about families which can't be denied. Given the barriers your mother put in fronot of you early (making you dependent in order to fill her own emptiness), and also the utter lack of financial support, she doesn't necessarily need to be there unless YOU want her to be. Your dad sounds like he has given you an out, an elopement, as it were. It's your accomplishment, despite her, not because.

Turkish

[Kwamina]

Hi ophnoh

I am glad you've find your way back to our boards

You have really been through a lot with your mother. Based on how you describe things, I would definitely classify your mother's behavior as abusive. The verbal and emotional abuse is very unpleasant and difficult to deal with when you're a  child. That she tried to push you out of a moving car is just horrible. I am very sorry you had these experiences.

Your mother sounds quite controlling. We have an article here about the dynamics of controlling relationships, here's an excerpt:

... .fear, obligation or guilt ("FOG" are the transactional dynamics at play between the controller and the person being controlled.  Understanding these dynamics are useful to anyone trying to extricate themselves from the controlling behavior by another person and deal with their own compulsions to do things that are uncomfortable, undesirable, burdensome, or self-sacrificing for others.

Would you say your mother tries to use fear, obligation and or guilt to try and control you? You can read more about this here:

Fear, Obligation And Guilt: How We Allow Loved Ones To Control Us

BPD Parents unfortunately often have a tendency to 'split' their children in 'all-good' and 'all-bad' categories. It seems your mother has done this to you and your sister. Here is some general information about the BPD behavior known as 'splitting':

Splitting refers to a primitive defense mechanism characterized by a polarization of good feelings and bad feelings, of love and hate, of attachment and rejection.

Splitting is a powerful unconscious force that manifests to protect against anxiety. Rather than providing real protection, splitting leads to destructive behavior and turmoil, and the often confused reactions by those who try to help.

... .

Individuals suffering from borderline personality disorders live in an immature psychological world, fueled by certain constitutional vulnerabilities, where they attempt to shield themselves from conflict and anxiety by splitting the world into all good and all bad. Although this produces an sense of psychological safety, in fact, it renders relationships fragile and chaotic and drives away the very people who are so badly needed to provide stability in the borderline's life.

I can also relate to you asking yourself what's real and what's not. When you are raised by a BPD parent, that reality is basically all you've ever known. Even when you don't like the way things are, it is still all you know and are used to and in a way is 'normal'. Your mother seems to be constantly projecting her own inner negativity and turmoil onto you:

Projection is a defense mechanism, operating unconsciously, in which what is emotionally unacceptable in the self is unconsciously rejected and attributed (projected) to others.  Projection is denying one's own unpleasant traits, behaviors, or feelings by attributing them, often in an accusing way,  to someone else.

When you've experienced these projections all your life, it can be very hard distinguishing the 'real you' from the projected version. The projection is a distortion of reality, though after all this time it can be hard to tell where the distortion ends and where the real you begins. When you've dealt with this behavior from a BPD parent all your life, you could say you never even got a real chance to develop a real you. That's why I'm glad you are reaching out here for support and advice.

To aid you in your healing process, I encourage you take a look at the Survivors' Guide for adults who suffered childhood abuse. The guide takes you from survivor to thriver through three major stages: 1. Remembering --> 2. Mourning --> 3. Healing. Each stage consists of 7 steps. The healing process isn't necessarily a completely linear process though. Often you'll find yourself working on several steps at the same time and also revisiting steps you had previously worked on. When you look at the survivors' guide, where do you feel you are now? Which steps listed there do you feel are currently most relevant for or descriptive of where you are now?

Take care

[ophnoh]

I'm currently on the phone with her.

I tried to explain to her why I did not want both my father and her at my graduation. It turned into this long rant about how I supposedly cause all of the drama between her and my father and have done such since childhood. She basically tried to say that child psychologists thought I was a sociopath (really humorous considering the fact that every therapist I've ever seen has diagnosed me with depression and PTSD from my childhood) and that I always liked to cause problems between them for sadistic reasons. She then went on to say that she raised me and fed me and that I was ungrateful and when I tried to bring up cruel things she's said and done to me, things I remember VIVIDLY, (something I've never had the courage to do) she claimed she could not remember them and stated I was lying and had deluded myself into believing my own lies.According to her I was never abused but was instead ungrateful and wanted to feel like a victim. Honestly this has sent me into this huge spiral of self-doubt... .maybe I really have deluded myself. Maybe I'm really strange and messed up. She proceeded to go on about how she loves me and my siblings but that I am especially difficult to love. She said that if she was so cruel... .how come my siblings were so great while I was so bitter. I tried to tell her that I felt like she tried to specifically single me out and she tried to say i was so delusional that I believed that. She said she found childhood diaries of mine where I wrote "horrible lies" about her, that I was always bad and a liar. I don't remember writing those things. She said that she wished she had just moved back to her home country and left me and my brother behind but didn't merely or my brother's sake, because of his disability.

When I asked her why, in the 7 years since I left, she had promised to visit me and never has... .she said that she was "frightened" to visit me alone... .that she was frightened of me because I am such a manipulative person.

Like I said I don't know what's real anymore :/

[ophnoh]

I don't even know if I was abused now. I really don't know.

[Kwamina]

How are you feeling now ophnoh?

Your mother is disordered and as a result of her distorted thinking and distorted perception, reasoning with her might be utterly futile. It could be that in her disordered mind, she doesn't see what she did to you as abuse. That however does not mean that it wasn't abuse, in fact the very things she said to you the other day were very abusive such as saying psychologists thought you were a sociopath, saying that you have sadistic motivations, that you want to be a victim, that you were supposedly always bad and a liar and are manipulative. There is no love in those words. This is verbal and emotional abuse. In the same conversation in which she was denying ever abusing you, she was in fact abusing you again which only proves your point even more that she's abusive.

Your feelings are real and justified. Whether your mother acknowledges it or not, you were abused as a child and your mother's current behavior is also very much abusive.