years of suffering with family and finace suddenly makes sense

[bpdheal]

hi everyone, that's my 1st post here, after wandering around for years trying to understand the craziness that happens in my life, its a relief to finally understand the roots of my weird problems. its a relief to know I am not alone. thank you everyone for this amazing community.

I mean I finally found a place to be heared or atleast hear other people. I was raised in in a healthy house except for that my dad was npd( as I did the big intervention that woke him up finally) and my mum is a BPD.

some people even dad and mum made fun of me researching pscychology to understand people and their actions, and I guess its them in 1st place who pushed me to do that, as they always used to fight over crazy stuff sometimes its him going crazy sometimes its her, and guess whos the damned judge ? its me the eldest son ! it was always damn me, they will always put me in a situation where I have to be the judge ( since I was a kid !) if I would agree with mum, dad will go loco, if I agree with dad, mum will go crazy and accuse me that am just like him etc etc etc ! the worst thing was that if I never agreed with neither of them they will accuse me of weird stuff.

seriously it was a delimma it was damaging but now at 28yrs old, I can atleast get a closure for my pain cuz atleast I can understand why they were like this. also I can understand that they raised me to be the rescuer and that's how I got with my BPD fiancé in the 1st place ! ( more on that later )

I was amazed to figure out that my father was a narc thanks to my x fiancé , but what was more amazing is me figuring out that my fiancé has BPD, and whats even more crazy is that my mum is a classic waif BPD !

you know at this you just feel lost ? you don't know what to do or what to think. I mean how I couldn't see this stuff before ? I always had an interest in psychology, even got the highest mark in that subject in high school, got many scholarship to study it but I never did as always people thought psychology is about crazy people ( and yes its right ! no offence to anyone) but yeah I had to study and experience real psychology on my own, from my own family.

anyways am just venting out a bit, and wana share that am happy I finally found a place that I belong to with people who suffered like me. I keep reading stories here and you guys are so wise, I stumbled on this site when i typed how to get revenge on a BPD (my ex fiance )as even I kept reading abt BPD over the internet and most sites will describe them as crazy people with no sense of logic whatsoever and just run away !

but you guys gave me wisdom and calmed me way down. thanks everyone, be happy and good luck in your relations with BPD people in your lifes. be happy and thankful that god made us normal or may I say mentally superior ? yes I think you cant survive such abuse unless god gave you extraordinary power of will and stamina to keep with such craziness let alone being able to research it and understand it !

sorry for the long rant, and later ill talk abt my ex fiancé and how It all started to make sense that even my mum is a BPD.

cheers !

[Sunfl0wer]

Hey, I'm on a crummy phone so gonna be quick... .

Welcome!  

Wanted to say I relate as I will always recall when I got my hands on my first psychology book.  I read it, reread it, ruminated over it, and soaked it up.  I was a teen and my older sibling left her school textbook out. I had no idea what "normal" was.  I suspected that so so so many things in that family were not ok, not the only way, not the best way.  I suspected there were alternative ways to handle some things that I was raised and told that this is the way things are... .accept it.

The validation I got that day I will never ever forget!
What I was living was clearly unacceptable.

To have labels for the things and dysfunction around me was freeing to the area of my mind that was struggling with their reality vs my own.

Someone
Experts even
Had words for what I was living
And all of it proved to me that my experiences were way more than just not ok.

Ever since that moment, intellectualizing, labeling and boxing things and such has been a big part of my coping mechanisms.  I am grateful.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome BPDheal:  

Sorry you have had so much exposure to people with personality disorders. It's great that you did the research and figured out so much.  I'm glad that you have found this website helpful and that it has served to calm you.

It was always damn me, they will always put me in a situation where I have to be the judge ( since I was a kid !) if I would agree with mum, dad will go loco, if I agree with dad, mum will go crazy and accuse me that am just like him etc etc etc ! the worst thing was that if I never agreed with neither of them they will accuse me of weird stuff.

If you haven't checked out the link below about drama triangles, you might find it helpful.  At the bottom of the article, there are links to two discussion threads about drama triangles:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

Have you had any success with using some communication tools with your parents, or have things gotten better after your BPD/NPD discoveries? You have probably already discovered the links to the upper right of this post.

When you are ready to talk about you ex fiance, I'm sure you will find support on the detaching/relationships board.

[Woolspinner2000]

Let me join in with the rest of the welcoming committee and say I'm glad you are here, BPDheal! 

It really is a tremendous validation when you discover that you were not the one with the problems as you grew up, but that the BPD in your life was actually projecting much of their own issues upon you. I'm glad that you have been willing to read and learn and discover more about BPD to help you.

Sounds like there is more of your story to hear when you are able to share with us. You will find many listening ears and helpful people here who understand much about what you are going through.

 
Wools

[bpdheal]

thank you everyone for your inputs, and your stories.

I had great success with my npd father using a big intervention that involved other family members and even after it I told him to start reading about npd, it took him a few months of him just reading stuff and watching motivational videos and such, however after that he was a changed man.

the problem is I think it wasn't him at all, it was my BPD mum who triggered him in 1st place always, she always used to convince us ( the children ) that she is the victim and his the prosecuter, hes the bad guy and shes the best woman ever , yes I love her and shes so sweet, but after the big intervention with dad, all I see that he changed and she stayed the same, she used to group us against him by using the victim technique.

anyways am really sick of the whole npd and BPD dilemma, 6 years ago mum convinced me to give dad the loan he wants from to expand his business as he had bad credit in his bank account, and I agreed without thinking because dad always gave me conditional love and I was always hungry for his approval and attention beside he assured me that he will transfer the monthly payments to my account, and guess what ? he never did as he and mum always got into trouble and me taking her side made me an enemy for him. even now its been 2 years after he healed but still don't pay me nothing, I am tied to the big loan (about 600k$) for the next 15 years.

its really bad you know ? even now he tells me that any good son would do the same as I did and even more, ahh how sad eh ? and if I would ask him to try to resolve the issue somehow he will either tell me that he will try to pay half of the monthly payment ( which even when I agree he never does ) or tell me am a very selfish person.

my mum is a sweet person but her glass is always half empty, and struggling for 3 years with my BPD fiancé and her npd mother and her npd brother ( the golden son ) I don't think I wana bother fix anyone anymore, they all broke and made me lost , sometimes I feel like am 18 years old who just graduated from high school and don't know what I wana do in life.

not to mention my mother and  father always made me hate my fiancé and her mother, or always pointed bad things about them which really gets into your head after sometime no matter how conscious you are !

even couple days ago I told him I wana leave the house to be alone ( our house is really big, which again I paid for more than half of it ) dad said why your being a selfish person ? seriously WTH ! my mothers answer was funny though, shes like I think you have autism problems. seriously they always want me around to be the rescuer, as they know they wont survive one day without me, they depend on me in everything. and I just don't know how long I need to heal my emotions, personality, or even my credit !

agghhhh super crazy tight situation !

thanks everyone for hearing my crazy story and thanks a bunch for cheering me up

[ijustwantpeace]

I am 44 now and have been struggling with a BPD mom, and uncle.  I learned about the concept of boundaries about 2 years ago.  A boundary is where I end and the other person begins.  I was the constant recipient of emotional abuse from a mother who constantly crossed my boundaries.  She would dump on my for hours at a time about my dad, my uncle, my grandmother.

I told her I did not want to hear her talk bad about the family, but she never listened.  Never respected my boundaries.

The thing I did not know is that I was "conditioned" to care for others and neglect myself.  I had pretty low self worth.  The best thing I can do for me is to cut them out of my life for good and move on.  They are in a constant cycle of dysfunction with constant sickness, divorce, or other major crisis.

They refuse to examine their behavior as your dad did.  Instead they keep making the same mistakes over and over.  These have a negative effect on everyone they touch, but they don't care.

The best thing you can do is to master boundaries and learn that you matter just as much as the "crazies" if not more.  I say you may matter more as you want to change your life for the better, get well, be strong and contribute to society.

I have learned without a strong sense of self and firm boundaries, and the skill of saying NO it is impossible for me to have a happy healthy life.  The most successfully people on the planet in money, health, or love have mastered boundaries.