Wife of 28 years has BPD, I suck at validation, and I'm the villain/whipping boy

[ftoddw]

Diagnosis of BPD made last spring, now confirmed by three other mhp's and my wife no longer agrees she has BPD.  I'm trying to learn the right responses to validate, to set boundaries, to empathize and my rationality (or inability to keep my self from describing how things "really" are, or making sure she understands the fact that I am right, etc. )keeps getting in the way. I bite my tongue, and swallow the truth and say the most validating and empathetic things I can think of but inevitably I slip and state, what feels like to me, is obvious.  Not to mention, it feels like whatever intimacy and honesty our relationship still had, is now lost in my processing my thoughts and measuring my words before speaking.  I can't pour out my heart or speak my mind, I have to recite someone else's script.  My wife see's right through all my attempts and tells me to stop talking to her like she's a mental patient.   In my attempts to draw near and connect I feel even more distant from my wife, and she blames me for ruining our marriage by being arrogant, condescending, disconnected, untrustworthy, controlling, manipulative, and unconcerned.  It feels like things have gotten worse since trying to follow the basic steps of empathy, validation, and boundaries.  Help! 

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[Lucky Jim]

Hey ftoddw, Welcome!  You have come to a great place and we get it when it comes to BPD.  I'm sorry to hear what you are going through, yet it all sounds quite familiar.  You are not alone, my friend.  I can appreciate your frustration.  There's a lot of helpful information on this site that is worth exploring.  In the meantime, if I can make a suggestion, the place to start is with yourself.  Treat yourself with care and compassion.  Listen to your gut feelings.  Be kind to yourself.  Think about what things are important to you.  It's all about finding your particular path out of the dark woods of BPD, which is something only you can do.

We are here to help.

LuckyJim

[Chilibean13]

Welcome to the board. Lots of great resources here. I think many of us have experienced the same frustration that you have. Check out the link on the right side of the page ------------------>

In reading your OP your situation of validation sounds somewhat familiar to my validation fails.

Are you trying to validate her to get her to calm down/make things easier for you or are you really trying to understand what she is going through?

I have found that when I am genuinely validating my H that it works perfectly. He doesn't even realize that he immediately de-escalates. When I validate just to get him to shut up, he often tells me to stop talking to him like that because it's fake. Not sure how he can pick up on it, but he is an expert at reading through the fake validation. Perhaps when trying to validate, you may check your motives before attempting it. For me I usually have to take a breath, remind myself that he is scared/hurting, etc, then validate.

[joshbjoshb]

Hello and welcome!

Let me quickly say this - the first steps before even doing any of the validation is for you to become strong and emotionally independent.

One simple way to find out if you are - or not - is how do you feel inside when she goes on a BPD attack. If you are anxious, nervous, sacred etc. you are prob. not even in the right state of mind to help her. You need to help yourself first... . 

[waverider]

When validating seems to miss hit and sound wooden, try focusing on not invalidating rather than just validating. This will reap better rewards on the principle of less is more combined with one invalidation will undo a mountain of validation.

The first rule in the lessons is to stop making things worse before you try to make them better.

[iluminati]

Is it a script?  Yes!  Particularly as a native NYer, not being able to confront someone on their BS was a bit rough.  That said, the script is meant as a form of training wheels.  The thing is that as you learn how to talk in a supportive way, you'll figure out what works and what doesn't.  It doesn't mean just giving up.  What it does mean is that you'll learn to say those things in your own authentic. voice.  It does take time though.

[Circle]

When validating seems to miss hit and sound wooden, try focusing on not invalidating rather than just validating. This will reap better rewards on the principle of less is more combined with one invalidation will undo a mountain of validation.

This is smart!