dead mother showing up in my dreams

[claudiaduffy]

My uBPDm died - was murdered, shot in her home by some unidentified assailant, actually - two month ago now. I'm still experiencing all kinds of realizations coming from her unexpected departure. Going through the grocery store, seeing sugarless candy - mom was diabetic - and realizing I have no reason to buy a bag to send her on Mother's Day. Realizing Mother's Day is coming and I won't feel any distress or obligation to do anything (this one is huge!) Having five kinds of birds show up at once at my seed feeder and thinking "Oh - I don't need to debate with myself whether to call my mom to tell her about this pretty thing I'm seeing."

It's been an education, now that she is no longer adding her daily new toxicities to my life, to realize how frequently I actually had been in the habit of collecting the "pretty things" that constituted most of my contact with her. Since I didn't trust her or miss her or feel warm feelings toward her, I had taken to showing her love in one of the few ways I still could - sending photos or voice mails or YouTube videos or small packages of whatever I knew she would like. And she did love receiving these pretty things, even though she wanted so much more that I couldn't give her.

Just this week, she has started showing up in my dreams. In the first dream, my brother had some reason he needed the coroner to "thaw her body" (in real life, she was cremated weeks ago), and she came back to life again and was hanging out with us all at a family wedding. The coroner had told us it wasn't a permanent change, but that she's be back dead again within a couple of weeks. But as I sat there across the table from her, dealing with her normal passive-aggressive conversation, it was like getting pulled back into a cage I'd so recently been released from.

Then last night, I dreamed my mom was in my car with me. Running her mouth so fast I couldn't do anything but nod mutely - you know, standard procedure. But in my dream, I remembered that she is actually dead - really really gone - and while I didn't realize I was having a dream, I was able to tell myself "This isn't real. You never have to have this kind of interaction with her again."

I have no conclusion from any of this - just chronicling it here because it feels important to talk about it.

[Kwamina]

Hi claudiaduffy

Losing your mother in such a dramatic and unexpected way is a very significant event. Even though you had limited contact with her and struggled with how she had treated you, now that she's gone it's really like you've entered a whole new world.

Perhaps the dreams you are having are expressions of your subconscious. Perhaps you are on a subconscious level processing and coming to terms with the fact that your mother is gone and what this means for your life now going forward. It seems like you are indeed experiencing the things in your dreams that are now no longer a part of your waking life.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Claudiaduffy,

I too have had dreams about my uBPDm who passed away a few years ago. It's rather unsettling, but like you, I also remind myself that she is indeed now gone. The dreams have never been pleasant, unlike those I've had of my dad (he passed away 6 months ago).

But in my dream, I remembered that she is actually dead - really really gone - and while I didn't realize I was having a dream, I was able to tell myself "This isn't real. You never have to have this kind of interaction with her again."

It sounds like you are processing a lot of things, and it sounds like a normal part of the grieving process in it's own way. I found myself grieving my uBPDm totally differently than I have my dad. The grief class I'm currently attending to help me with the loss of my dad has brought up some interesting points that touch on the difficult relationship I had with my mom. This week's session talked about when we lose someone and there was conflict in the relationship. One person said that they chose to go back and remember the early years of the relationship that were good, and not the bad ones. As I pondered that, I realized that I have very few happy or good memories of my mom. They became overshadowed by the daily and hourly struggles and conflict that the children of borderlines endure.

I like how you pointed out what you were able to do: 

It's been an education, now that she is no longer adding her daily new toxicities to my life, to realize how frequently I actually had been in the habit of collecting the "pretty things" that constituted most of my contact with her. Since I didn't trust her or miss her or feel warm feelings toward her, I had taken to showing her love in one of the few ways I still could - sending photos or voice mails or YouTube videos or small packages of whatever I knew she would like. And she did love receiving these pretty things, even though she wanted so much more that I couldn't give her.

Wools