whathappened2
 Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3
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« on: March 27, 2016, 03:52:16 PM » |
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I was going out with a girl for 5 months. I met her on the day that she said she found out her ex of two years had cheated on her. I met her at a store, she was working the counter. We were Facebook friends already but we did not actually know each other. I felt like she thought I was cute and I thought she was so almost immediately after leaving the store, I send her a message saying," hey you are super cute." she replied " you are too" I replied, "can I take you out sometime" she replied "sure" and gave me her number. (I bring this up because she later told me that day she was in the bathroom crying and devastated half the day) which, in retrospect, seems odd to flirt with someone while that was going on.
The first couple of months of the relationship were great. We are both artists so we had that in common. She told me how good I was at it often which felt great. Sex was great. She stated she had never climaxed like she did with me with anyone. I felt there was real intimacy. Then, the holidays came. First was Thanksgiving. She did not want us to spend it together which I though was a bit odd because things were going so well. She said that it was the first without her ex so she felt a bit depressed about things so I didn't push. She then got a bit distant as Christmas came as well. We did see each other that day but she had stated she needed some"space" for a few days beforehand. The new years was coming. I asked what she was doing for it, in am inflection that made it obvious that I meant what are "we" doing for it. She replied she was going to a friends party in a far away town and she didn't invite me. I thought it odd, who doesn't spend new years with their boyfriend. She replied that I didn't ask her until a few days before so she thought new years didn't mean anything to me. The next day or two she got a cold and wound up spending new years with me. I felt it was more that she didn't want to go to the party because she was sick rather than spend time with me.
This wound up being the first of a pattern of needing "space" on her part. I did not see her from January 1 to January 14th. During this time she texted me but with a different tone than before, less loving, and evasive when asking to hang out. When I would ask if something was up she would shrug it off and just say she is busy etc. Finally a mutual friend interjected and was like" what's going on Charles is super confused" a day later she texted saying " oh sorry I meant to return your call tonight but got busy, we should hang out soon" We hung out a day or two later, I took her out to eat we then went top her favorite bar. she said" we should talk" and proceeded to tell me that she thought she wasn't real to date someone and that she couldn't give me what I wanted right now. She stated she was still too effected by what happened with her ex. I took her hand and said," Where am I going to find another you? I will wait. If it takes you three months to call me again to hang out, I'll be there waiting for you. I really meant it. For whatever reason I just really felt attached to her right from the beginning and although she seemed to have issues between dressing sort of punkish/ immature for her 30 y/o age and not really being concerned with her financial future as well as having a very very messy apt with cat hair everywhere and bed rarely made and often with just a fitted sheet half covering the mattress (and an equally jam packed messy car) I felt drawn to her and was willing to overlook it. After my statement to her about waiting. I told her it was important to me that she not think she should fear intimacy with me because I was the kind of guy that would never betray her like her ex did.
We wound up having a good deep conversation sitting at that table and at the end of the evening she was giving me a look. So I asked" what's that look, I think I know that look but given what you said earlier I'm not sure, do you want to come home with me?" She said yes. I replied, see I thought maybe you were just afraid to be trusting in someone and I think you see now that I am not at all like you ex. She had been saying repeatedly to me" where are you from that you are so nice like this" all night. We went home, were intimate and that started a period of her constantly eating me , hanging out with me, and talking on the phone for about another month. That is until her next PMS time when she stated she needed space. I would text her in reply to this request saying positive things like, Just want let you know I think you are the most beautiful girl in the world and I am thinking about you etc. She would usually reply"thanks" or some similar short reply, a day later or so.
After a week or so she would text and say, " hey we should hang out soon" or I've been thinking about you the last few days" and then we would hang out again and things would go back to normal. This cycle repeated for a couple of months after. The space need always occurring within a day or two of the day she would start posing.
Now this is where things broke down/appart. She would say she needed space in the beginning because she was picking up the pieces of herself after what happened with her ex. As time went on she said it was because she was stressed because her father broke his hip and she was worried about him, then it became a general" you have to understand it's not easy for me because I have so much going on that is hard right now" She also used to portray herself as the martyr very very often in situations at work, with her family, with friends etc. So last month, we spend 4 nights in a row together. The 2nd to last night there was an odd occurrence where she stopped us making out and said I 'm not into as much as I was last night. she then got up abruptly and said" why can't I be normal"
The next night she came over after being stressed from visiting her father and having diner with her mother. When she showed up at my place she looked visibly angry. Which she said was because her father and mother were so full of themselves and overwhelming and annoying. But as we hung out she was acting mean to mean, like taking it out on me. Demanding I pour her her wine right now! and tossing my clothes on the floor. She said she had to go to the bathroom, I said I would follow her up the stairs to shut a window up there as it was getting cold out. As we walked up, I took my finger and touched her butt with it making a "boop" noise. I have don't his almost every time we go up stairs, we had a running joke where she would turn around and jokingly say "stoop you love touching my butt" as she would smile and then tell me she liked me touching her butt all the time. This time however, she turned around and out of no where slapped me as hard as she could on the side of the head/ear. I immediately heard a ringing in my ear and said" damn I have 30% hearing loss in that ear I think you just made it worse" she defiantly replied" I didn't know you had hearing loss and walked into the bathroom shutting the door. I went on to shut the window and walk downstairs. I was shocked.
She came down the stairs and turned to me and stood staring at me with a pouting face. I immediately saw her eyes were super red and said" what's wrong with your eyes? wait wait were you just crying? She replied" you didn't come up to check on me, why didn't you check on me" I replied" I thought you were going to the bathroom like you said you were going to and why would I have checked on you? I had no idea you would be crying as you slapped me not the other way around... .wouldnt you check on me after that? She said she came over for emotional support but I was just ignoring her and doing other things. I told her I just had to fold laundry and the only other thing I did was move the bike trainer from near the couch because she said she hated it there the day before. None of this argument was making any sense to me.
This is were it got very odd. I said why on earth did you slap me? She had this blank look on her face for 20 seconds of silence and then said" you poked me in the vagina" I stood there stunned, I knew I had done no such thing, not even close at all! And then, I thought and said, wait, you just said that because you are ashamed of what you just did to me so you are making that up to justify your action! She stood there for another 10-20 seconds without replying with the same odd blank look on her face then she changed the subject to again say that she came to my place for emotional support and it seems like since she got there I didn't want here there. She kept emphasizing this again and again as I kept explaining it wasn't so them she said she was going home. I was agitated by this whole experience and said, if you leave now we are done (which I now know is a BPD no no) and that she never lets me have any feelings in the relationship and as soon as I express some she talks over me or trys to one up me but never actually acknowledges my right to having feelings as well. and absolutely never expresses sympathy. and I also stated that If she is going to be like that I can't do this anymore because that is how my ex was and I can't go through it again because I know it leads no where to be unacknowledged in a relationship. She left and said she was going to go home to be with her cat. I went outside a minute later, she was in her car crying. she rolled down the window and said, you yelled at me, you can't do that. I replied," listen you can't hit me then yell at me and then expect me to say in a super quiet voice," dear please don't hit me" She smiled, said you are right I can't be mad at you because you are right. She came back in, kissed me very passionately and asked if it was ok for to take a shower. I said absolutely and she replied, I just want to take a shower and go to bed. We went to sleep, spooned each other till we fell asleep, we had made up.
Till the next day that is apparently.She got up and went to work, waking me to tell me she was leaving. From a groggy sleep I said" ok see you later" She texted me 30 mins later saying she forgot her glasses at my place. 30 mins later I relied, yep they are on the coffee table. two hours later I texted" how are you feeling" as I though it odd not to hear back from her and suspected something might be up. The next day!she replied" I've been better. I called her, she did not take the call. but immediately texted. I need space. I replied, can you talk for ammonite, I get nervous and worried about you when you isolate like this" she replied" you must respect my need for space"
Now usually I will text back in a n hour or so telling her how pretty she is and how special she is to me etc. Because I think those things and think if she is down she might appreciate hearing them. This one time I did not do that because to be honest, I was a little annoyed at being hit for no reason without an apology even. A day or so later I text her, get a short reply a day later, she won't take my calls says she is busy etc. about ten days later after me saying please give me a call, she says we should meet and talk, can you bring my glasses. So, I invite her to dinner she ignores the message on face boo not even reading it. I send it again, still doesn't read it, next day i text it she says she can't do dinner tonight but just wants to meet and talk. I say ok call me when you get out of work, no reply, send the message again as she is now saying she doesn't get all my texts. I know she is getting out of work in 5 mins... .she replies I can talk right now my best friend attempted suicide last night by cutting his wrists and he just got out of the hospital and is home and just called her so she is very sorry but she has to be on the phone with his tonight and can't meet. I say I understand and am there for her if she needs someone to talk to. (I have since been told that if you cut your wrists like that and go to the er, you will not be released the next day, there is a waiting and evaluation period of at least days) she then calls me the next day on my insistence while on break from work and breaks up with me blaming me for not asking how she was the night of the fight and " pulling the break up card" yet she then also states she doesn't know why i would be upset about his as we were never going out because she told be back in january at the bar that she couldn't date someone.
A few days later I sent her a loving email and received a reply of " I am open to a friendship with you but i can't give you anything more than that. I don't se us going anywhere.
I then learned the night she broke up with me, she went to the bar with a guy that she wound up " in a relationship" with on Facebook a few days later. But I thought she couldn't be in a relationship because she was having bad feeling abutter ex?
I sent her an email after her response saying that I recognize a pattern of behavior in her now that I have been told by others is a repeated pattern by her even before this bad ex experience she was using as an excuse and that she never takes responsibility for her actions and gets mad at people all the time for slights that they never even do. I ended with " don't ever contact me again I wouldn't even be friends with someone knowing this about them.
After all that though... .I am still totally heartbroken and want her back so bad. I am in love with her. How do I get her back after all this? Or did I just ruin everything by making her fear of abandonment kick in when I said, if you leave it's over? She posted a pic with her new guy kissing her cheek saying he makes her stomach turn to butterflies he is so amazing. Is it real or is she just in a period of idealization with him now? does she should BPD?
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