My ex- boyfriend

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello, I am not sure where to start, I came across this website in doing tons of research, trying to figure out my ex-boyfriend.  I am afraid I am becoming obsessive about the research now.  It feels like a way to still be connected to him although I know I can't be.

[leapinglouie]

Hello, I am not sure where to start, I came across this website in doing tons of research, trying to figure out my ex-boyfriend.  I am afraid I am becoming obsessive about the research now.  It feels like a way to still be connected to him although I know I can't be.

[once removed]

hey leapinglouie and

its very self aware of you that you recognize some of the researching as a way to be connected with this person - i think many of us have been there. these are often intense and volatile relationships that leave us with many questions. i did find comfort in being able to make sense of the insensible, so to speak. you might think of it as a way to connect with us, as a support group. we are here to help.

you can start wherever you like; it will help us to better understand your story

[leapinglouie]

My story is taken right out of the pages of any book on borderline personality disorder.  I met him on an online dating site.  I thought I was doing everything right.  I spent time talking to him first, prior to meeting him.  When I did meet him in person, it was perfect.  Our date was all evening just walking around downtown and talking, lots of talking.  I thought this is really good!  It was a fast intense relationship.  Looking back now, I see all kinds of red flags that I totally ignored, why? I don't know.  That's one of the things I need to look into, why did I overlook such serious things?  Anyway, our whole relationship was only about 9 months long, but his anger started making me nervous, so I had suggested we get some couples counseling, he agreed.  When we went for our first session, he launched into this big huge thing on my parenting style... .I didn't even know that's where we were going with the whole session.  Anyhow, he was very black and white about that subject.  Red faced, crying, the whole nine yards.  The session ended with the therapist saying, "well, we have had a lot of tension in here why don't we end on a positive note?" so she asked him, "what do you love about (leapinglouie)?"  he looked at her, blinking his eyes... .silent.  Then he says, "well, I like how she is as a person"... .she then asked me the same question and I launched into all of the things that I love about him... .something else happened, I don't remember, but he stormed out of the room.  I looked at her and she said to me, "Have you ever heard of a book called, Why does he do that?", then he comes back in and makes an appointment for a private session, (she wanted to see us separately).  So fast forward past his individual appointment into mine... .she told me that he is very rigid and incapable of change and she strongly urged me to end this unhealthy relationship.  She also said, "I know I don't have a right to say this to you, but, I have no doubt that if you move this man into your home, he will eventually become physically violent with you."  I'm not sure if she was supposed to say that or not, but I guess it was the push I needed to end this relationship.  I feel horrible and I miss him, and I love him... .but I know I can't be with him.  I have never broken up with someone that I still loved.  I continue to see the therapist because I need healing for myself.  This has happened about a month ago and I still hurt.  We talk about him in our sessions, she said she couldn't diagnose him because she hadn't spent enough time with him but if she had to she would put him on the personality disorder spectrum.  This has let me here to this page.  It is very scary to me that I was this easily manipulated, and I am scared for the future.  This is where I am now... .

Thanks for reading.

[Mutt]

Hi leapinglouie,

We talk about him in our sessions, she said she couldn't diagnose him because she hadn't spent enough time with him but if she had to she would put him on the personality disorder spectrum.

I'd like to join Once Removed and welcome you. I would listen to your intuition when you say that you're not sure if she was supposed to say that or not in your first session. She later states that she has not spent enough time with him and that she can't diagnose, although she probably meant well.

Ending a relationship is a very personal choice. Do you feel like you're really done with the relationship?

[leapinglouie]

Yes I need to be really done with this relationship.  He hasn't been very nice to me and only got worse after we broke up.  Still controlling the situation.  Telling people that I cheated on him.  I found out some pretty significant lies that he told me.  Really turning the whole entire situation around and saying that I am a narcissist and never fall for one because they will turn everything around on you.  All the signs were there, I just wasn't seeing them.  He had numerous failed relationships, all of them ending with the female doing something horrible to him i.e. cheating on him, domestic violence against him... .these kinds of things, one female he said when they broke up he had to file a restraining order on her because she was stalking him.  There hasn't been any relationship that he told me about that ended gracefully.  I see the pattern repeating with me now... .he is the victim, I treated him bad.  I just don't see how I can go back to that.  I know it's for the best but it's very hard.  I was lulled by the times when things were very good, and when they were good, they were good.  But then they started getting fewer and farther between.  Even a good time at any moment could be ruined by him bursting out and saying I looked at another man.  One time we were taking a walk on this pedestrian bridge, and I happened to turn around to look behind me and he just burst out and said, "NOW SEE? THAT'S THE FOURTH TIME YOU HAVE LOOKED AT SOMEONE ELSE!"... .I couldn't understand it.  The more I tried to tell him how faithful I was and how much I loved him, the more he would accuse me of doing the opposite.  I didn't make him happy.  I heard that more times than I can count.  He told me I was cold, and distant and heartless... .but all the while, if I could just change these things and put in the hard work, things would be better.  He was very black and white about things.  He would say things like "Well, if this works out it does, if it doesn't it doesn't... .doesn't matter to me".  I was becoming addicted to the swirling emotions and going round and round and round.  I would rather be in that situation than be by myself and I know that isn't healthy either.  I don't know who I am anymore.  He was slowly turning me away from my friends, my mother, my kids.  I am really lost.

[Mutt]

One time we were taking a walk on this pedestrian bridge, and I happened to turn around to look behind me and he just burst out and said, "NOW SEE? THAT'S THE FOURTH TIME YOU HAVE LOOKED AT SOMEONE ELSE!"... .I couldn't understand it.

Cognitive distortions are irrational and unrealistic thought patterns. Black and white thinking and jumping to conclusions are cognitive distortions.

POLL: Ten Ways to Untwist Your Thinking - Burns MD

I can relate with that feeling like we're lost. It helps to get our stories out and it takes time. It's not uncommon that members feel like they become isolated from family and friends. When you say that it's unhealthy to be by yourself, are friends and family supportive?

[leapinglouie]

I have my mother and two aunts.  I guess they are probably tired of hearing about it all by now. I don't really have any friends.  I have people I work with but other than that I don't have anyone.  It sounds really sad, I know.  I have two wonderful kids and I still feel alone.  I need my thinking untangled a bit too.  I have everything to hear some people talk.  I have a great job, my own house, my own car, I'm not bad looking, I work out... .the only thing missing for ME is I am lonely.  I don't have a significant other and I can't get past the thinking that I am not happy unless I'm "with" someone.  I don't know how to change that.

[Sattva]

Hello, I am not sure where to start, I came across this website in doing tons of research, trying to figure out my ex-boyfriend.  I am afraid I am becoming obsessive about the research now.  It feels like a way to still be connected to him although I know I can't be.

Hello leapinglouie. I know what you mean - I'm a total research-a-holic! And I agree, it can be partly a need to feel some connection to the ex, but I don't think it's entirely about that - or even mainly about that.

After a relationship with a Cluster B disordered person, we are left with so many questions, and also a lot of self healing to do. So I think it's really important to balance those two needs: To find answers but also to focus on self-care. By this I mean rebuilding your life and your self-esteem after the post-relational damage, exercising (getting those endorphins going!), doing nice things for yourself each day (little treats, just as you would do for a friend who is hurting - maybe a massage, a candle lit bath, a gift, a comedy film), yoga/meditation.

With balance between these two things, life improves. But if we just focus on finding answers, our perspective is way too narrow, completely focused on the pwBPD. This is probably how it was during the relationship - the push/pull dynamic of the pwBPD causes the 'non' partner to hyperfocus on them. But we must break out of this now for life to improve - otherwise it's a very a dark place to be at.

[Sattva]

I have my mother and two aunts.  I guess they are probably tired of hearing about it all by now. I don't really have any friends.  I have people I work with but other than that I don't have anyone.  It sounds really sad, I know.  I have two wonderful kids and I still feel alone.  I need my thinking untangled a bit too.  I have everything to hear some people talk.  I have a great job, my own house, my own car, I'm not bad looking, I work out... .the only thing missing for ME is I am lonely.  I don't have a significant other and I can't get past the thinking that I am not happy unless I'm "with" someone.  I don't know how to change that.

Ah, I'm sorry. I should have read the whole thread before responding. It seems you have your life together.

I don't think there's anything wrong with not wanting to be alone. It's normal to want to be in a relationship! So perhaps you oughtn't to be thinking you should change that - why should you? Maybe the problem is holding out for the 'right' kind of person?

[WoundedBibi]

Yes, it is normal to want to be in a relationship but if you feel you need to be in one to be happy, it means you're unable to be happy alone. Having the feeling you're not whole or happy on your own is what makes you vulnerable to an abusive relationship: "There he is! My soulmate to make me whole and happy! The connection I have been craving! Anything to be with him and not alone. As long as you don't leave me feel free to trample on my soul... "

It's what makes us attractive for BPDs and makes us stay in an abusive relationship.

You should be able to be happy alone first before you go into a relationship. And the partner should enrich your life not fill the hole inside.