Mom moved in for radiation for cancer...

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hello this is Susie, of course.  My mother has undiagnosed BPD.  I narrowed it down after my counselor suggested the traits of this disorder resembled how she was treating me.  He taught me how to "train" her to respect me.  There is one thing though, that is challenging.  I moved 4.5 hours away for peacefulness and have been doing pretty well since when she called and it would get combative I could just hang up the phone.  However over the last 3 weeks she has moved into my home for radiation treatments because a treatment center is within a 15 minute drive to my home.  The first 2 weeks seemed to be ok, with only 2 argument blowouts that were mended quite quickly.  My daughter is pregnant and is trying to do credit recovery to graduate high school through online school associated with a school about a mile away.  She had to be at school around 9 am one morning and my mother had to be awakened early to take her.  Neither of the 2 are morning people so, of course, they were both grouchy.  Eventually my mother told my 18 year old that something was wrong with her mentally and she needed to be on drugs.  My daughter took that really hard and will not have another thing to do with my mom.  When I heard about it, I got home and decided this was not going to be hashed up with my mother solely blaming my daughter for the entire argument as she had done me my entire life.  At dinner, she tried to bring it up and I stopped her and explained that I was not there and truly did not know what happened and I knew they both were grouchy at that early hour and what was done was done and it was not going any further.  Of course, she did not like this, but kept her cool and moved on.  My daughter has been giving her the silent treatment, which is just fine with me, however considering my mother has this disorder AND is taking radiation treatments after cancer removal surgery maybe even causing a little depression from all this stuff, I think they should try to bury the hatchet so to speak so we can all live under the same roof and enjoy each other's company for the rest of her stay.  I don't want anyone leaving on a bad note, because it is my mother and the trauma behind what caused her BPD wasn't her fault either.   I just don't want my daughter to feel her feelings are not valid or embraced.  A statement that my mother said tells me that the disorder is spiking in her mind to the point that she feels unloved and even as far as hated by my daughter.  That, I know isn't true because my daughter lost her mind when she found out my mother had breast cancer.   I have told my mother that no matter if she believes she did not tell her to get on drugs. to apologize for saying it just in case she truly did and don't remember.  That way it is saying that if she did. she didn't remember, but deeply regrets it.  She wrote my daughter a note and left it on her door so they would not argue about it and as much as I want to read it I do not think it is my business to step in to try to mend once again as I have done for MANY years. Is there something I need to say or do with my daughter to help her be a little more compassionate or not even as much compassionate, but a little more understanding, considering the radiation treatments she is going through or do I need to just butt out and let the 2 of them hash it out?  As I indicated earlier I don't want my mother to leave with only 3 weeks left of treatment and I'm concerned about her leaving on a bad note.  Any suggestions

[Susiecue37]

Hello this is Susie, of course.  My mother has undiagnosed BPD.  I narrowed it down after my counselor suggested the traits of this disorder resembled how she was treating me.  He taught me how to "train" her to respect me.  There is one thing though, that is challenging.  I moved 4.5 hours away for peacefulness and have been doing pretty well since when she called and it would get combative I could just hang up the phone.  However over the last 3 weeks she has moved into my home for radiation treatments because a treatment center is within a 15 minute drive to my home.  The first 2 weeks seemed to be ok, with only 2 argument blowouts that were mended quite quickly.  My daughter is pregnant and is trying to do credit recovery to graduate high school through online school associated with a school about a mile away.  She had to be at school around 9 am one morning and my mother had to be awakened early to take her.  Neither of the 2 are morning people so, of course, they were both grouchy.  Eventually my mother told my 18 year old that something was wrong with her mentally and she needed to be on drugs.  My daughter took that really hard and will not have another thing to do with my mom.  When I heard about it, I got home and decided this was not going to be hashed up with my mother solely blaming my daughter for the entire argument as she had done me my entire life.  At dinner, she tried to bring it up and I stopped her and explained that I was not there and truly did not know what happened and I knew they both were grouchy at that early hour and what was done was done and it was not going any further.  Of course, she did not like this, but kept her cool and moved on.  My daughter has been giving her the silent treatment, which is just fine with me, however considering my mother has this disorder AND is taking radiation treatments after cancer removal surgery maybe even causing a little depression from all this stuff, I think they should try to bury the hatchet so to speak so we can all live under the same roof and enjoy each other's company for the rest of her stay.  I don't want anyone leaving on a bad note, because it is my mother and the trauma behind what caused her BPD wasn't her fault either.   I just don't want my daughter to feel her feelings are not valid or embraced.  A statement that my mother said tells me that the disorder is spiking in her mind to the point that she feels unloved and even as far as hated by my daughter.  That, I know isn't true because my daughter lost her mind when she found out my mother had breast cancer.   I have told my mother that no matter if she believes she did not tell her to get on drugs. to apologize for saying it just in case she truly did and don't remember.  That way it is saying that if she did. she didn't remember, but deeply regrets it.  She wrote my daughter a note and left it on her door so they would not argue about it and as much as I want to read it I do not think it is my business to step in to try to mend once again as I have done for MANY years. Is there something I need to say or do with my daughter to help her be a little more compassionate or not even as much compassionate, but a little more understanding, considering the radiation treatments she is going through or do I need to just butt out and let the 2 of them hash it out?  As I indicated earlier I don't want my mother to leave with only 3 weeks left of treatment and I'm concerned about her leaving on a bad note.  Any suggestions

[Turkish]

You're in a tough spot, being drawn into drama between your mothher and your daughter, triangulated:



You can read more about this dynamic here   PERSPECTIVES: Ongoing Relationship Conflict/ Karpman Drama Triangle

However your mother is (with the BPD traits), you've done a good thing by providing her a safe place in which to receive her treatments.

What your daughter received from her grandmother was hurtful. You want to rescue, perhaps, both of them to keep the peace. You love both of them, and it sounds stressful being put into the middle.

Not all triangulation is bad, necessarily. It can be stressful always being the referee, however. Maybe helping your daughter to be more compassionate on the front end would trigger more resentment. Validating her feelings may be a better approach. We talk on all the boards about validating people with BPD, but we all need validation in order to feel heard.

Communication using validation

This may also help, with your mother as well:

TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

Let me know if you think this info is helpful.

Turkish