I thought time might make a difference

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I don't know. ... Maybe they are... .CRAZY

does the pedophile give a child closure?

Does a rapist give closure?

Does a con man give closure?

There IS no ending in their mind.  Wasn't even a normal beginning.  Why would the end be sane and tidy?


You served a purpose.  A need. For a while.  And they gave you whatever u wanted to meet it. Then hated themselves for doing it.  Then hated you for having to.

Then if their sick mind needs you in the future what good would it do if you moved on and were inaccessible?


3 months out and I pleaded and begged and dared my ex to tell me never contact her again In a text exchange Monday.  I asked her point blank since she won't talk to me about all her horrible decisions.

":)o you not want me to contact you ever again? ? Just say it! I'll make it happen.  "

This after her ordering me to stop texting her.


Her reply? "What makes you think I do want to talk?  We broke up"

7 more emails the next morning.  All stuff she could resolve in one. Should have been done already.

Again. ... .crazy.  thats your answer.

Why do u think you are here?

After 3 months yesterday and resolving all legal issues for the past 2 weeks where I had to break nc. ... I'm done.  Forever. I thought time might make a difference.

The calendar changes.  They do not. I assure you.  

Healthy people don't end up here. Bpds or nons.

Close it. ... .your SELF.

U will eventually. . YOU will.  When it's YOUR only choice left

[jessedsickabouther]

I don't know. ... Maybe they are... .CRAZY

does the pedophile give a child closure?

Does a rapist give closure?

Does a con man give closure?

There IS no ending in their mind.  Wasn't even a normal beginning.  Why would the end be sane and tidy?


You served a purpose.  A need. For a while.  And they gave you whatever u wanted to meet it. Then hated themselves for doing it.  Then hated you for having to.

Then if their sick mind needs you in the future what good would it do if you moved on and were inaccessible?


3 months out and I pleaded and begged and dared my ex to tell me never contact her again In a text exchange Monday.  I asked her point blank since she won't talk to me about all her horrible decisions.

":)o you not want me to contact you ever again? ? Just say it! I'll make it happen.  "

This after her ordering me to stop texting her.


Her reply? "What makes you think I do want to talk?  We broke up"

7 more emails the next morning.  All stuff she could resolve in one. Should have been done already.

Again. ... .crazy.  thats your answer.

Why do u think you are here?

After 3 months yesterday and resolving all legal issues for the past 2 weeks where I had to break nc. ... I'm done.  Forever. I thought time might make a difference.

The calendar changes.  They do not. I assure you.  

Healthy people don't end up here. Bpds or nons.

Close it. ... .your SELF.

U will eventually. . YOU will.  When it's YOUR only choice left

[WoundedBibi]

I understand that you're very upset, jessedsickabouther, and I feel for you with all you have had to go through. We've all been there, and we know it hurts like hell.

But saying 'the answer is they're crazy' IMO is too easy. It implies we are healthy and absolves us from looking why we entered these relationships. What is that we want *so* badly that we are willing to forget our needs, our boundaries, ourselves? Like you said, healthy people don't end up here. We're not healthy. So we need to make a choice: look at ourselves to become healthy, or not with the risk of entering another abusive relationship.

You said you thought time might make a difference. A difference in what? In your ex responding in a different way? You responding in a different way? The two of you coming back together again?

[jessedsickabouther]

You are in denial.  Thanks for your reply. 

[once removed]

jessed,

i understand youre angry. we arent dealing with pedophiles, rapists, or con men here. those sorts of comparisons arent helpful for you or anyone else. anger is a useful tool in detaching, but painting our exes black is a strategy fraught with peril.

After 3 months yesterday and resolving all legal issues for the past 2 weeks where I had to break nc. ... I'm done.  Forever. I thought time might make a difference.

fair enough. so where do you go from here? how can you use this experience in order to be the best version of jessed?

[balletomane]

I am almost a year out. Sometimes it still feels like yesterday. When I was only three months out, it felt like it had all happened an hour ago, and I was clinging to the hope that one day my ex would realise what he'd done and want to repair a friendship (I knew a relationship was not possible). During the relationship itself, when I was being tossed about like a boat on a raging sea, I was sure all we needed was more time and we'd eventually reach calm water. So I understand the feeling.

My ex isn't a rapist or a conman. He has clear attachment/personality difficulties and the chaos I lived through reflects the state of his own mind. I got out of that in the end. It will be much harder for him to extricate himself. So I'm not angry, and the hurt his behaviour caused me is lessening with time. This is one area where time really can make a difference.

[khibomsis]

balletomane, you are so right That is what I keep telling myself. We come here, we get therapy, whatever, we heal eventually and we get to walk away. They have to live with BPD every minute of their lives. I don't want to have anything to do with them, can't say I'm ready to forgive yet and will certainly never forget. But I can see compassion at the end of the rainbow. It is the only response which makes sense to me.

[Jox]

What is that we want *so* badly that we are willing to forget our needs, our boundaries, ourselves?

This is perfect mantra to work on after the brake up, or even in relationship. This concept has made me quit. And it is excellently developed in a book Women who love too much. One doesn't to be a woman to read it. Very difficult read though.

Resolving this will shed a light on what has happened and preventing it not to happen again.

[ScotisGone74]

Being"The Best Version of Ourselves" is something I dont think was possible with the exBpd in my life.    We now have that opportunity.  They may not have an ending in lies, manipulation, fake relationships, etc , but that doesnt mean we have to.   

[Herodias]

I think with them, time makes the heart grow colder... .I don't know, but the less contact, then more they forget and I think they expect you to do the same. Mine was always surprised that I could not just "get over" all he had done... .I feel like the less contact he has with me, the closer he becomes to my replacement. I think he expects time to heal all wounds where it benefits him. Unfortunately, it may heal us some, but I don't think we will ever forget what we went through... .

[hopealways]

I don't know. ... Maybe they are... .CRAZY

does the pedophile give a child closure?

Does a rapist give closure?

Does a con man give closure?

There IS no ending in their mind.  Wasn't even a normal beginning.  Why would the end be sane and tidy?


You served a purpose.  A need. For a while.  And they gave you whatever u wanted to meet it. Then hated themselves for doing it.  Then hated you for having to.

Then if their sick mind needs you in the future what good would it do if you moved on and were inaccessible?


3 months out and I pleaded and begged and dared my ex to tell me never contact her again In a text exchange Monday.  I asked her point blank since she won't talk to me about all her horrible decisions.

":)o you not want me to contact you ever again? ? Just say it! I'll make it happen.  "

This after her ordering me to stop texting her.


Her reply? "What makes you think I do want to talk?  We broke up"

7 more emails the next morning.  All stuff she could resolve in one. Should have been done already.

Again. ... .crazy.  thats your answer.

Why do u think you are here?

After 3 months yesterday and resolving all legal issues for the past 2 weeks where I had to break nc. ... I'm done.  Forever. I thought time might make a difference.

The calendar changes.  They do not. I assure you.  

Healthy people don't end up here. Bpds or nons.

Close it. ... .your SELF.

U will eventually. . YOU will.  When it's YOUR only choice left

I totally understand your comparisons. I know you are not saying they are pedophiles or rapists like some here are trying to say you are. What you are saying is that those other people never give closure to their victims either (YES we were victims and there is nothing wrong with admitting that). onceremoved writes "we aren't dealing with pedophiles, rapists, or con men here... ." When did jessed say we are "dealing with" pedophiles rapists or con men? He was simply making a point about how certain people do not and cannot give closure to their victims.  And there is absolutely nothing wrong with painting the BPD black.  We don't have any duty to have compassion for them. We are neither their parents nor their therapists.

Some here including moderators are defining for you the purpose of you being here, e.g. "you are not here to xyz... ." sorry, but you can't tell us why we should be here. Maybe we just need to vent.  All of us have a different path to healing.  Stop trying to put us down as though you all know what our path should be.  I know I know, you are not trying to put us down but it sure feels that way, so stop already. 



jessedsickabouther you are angry and hurt and that's OK!  Let it all out.  I get you! But what I have learned after 8+ months of NC is that I can keep obsessing (and fantasizing) about my ex, or I can stop denying how unhappy and alone I have always felt in my life and work to change that.  It's easier to come to this conclusion after close to a year of NC, but after the daily pain I have faced I think my soul is pointing me towards this direction and it is the right one.  Blaming our exes is totally okay and I still do it (but a lot less), but I realize they did not author the dark lonely feelings I feel now, it was a result of my core trauma from childhood, which is also the reason I chose to be with my BPDx as well as the reason I stayed for so long.

[once removed]

youre very right, hopealways. we do all have different paths to healing. that should be respected.

im not going to debate the merits of the comparison between conmen, rapists, and pedophiles to pwBPD. you and anyone else are entitled to that opinion, but lets keep in mind this is a family site, there are members here with BPD, and there are members with BPD loved ones. what do conmen, rapists, or pedophiles have anything to do with BPD? emotionally immature people dont provide closure.

And there is absolutely nothing wrong with painting the BPD black.  We don't have any duty to have compassion for them. We are neither their parents nor their therapists.

black and white thinking is a childlike view of the world. we all do it, to varying extents. some things should be seen in black and white. youre entitled to your views about painting someone black, though i hope no one is applying double standards when it comes to black and white thinking. you dont have a duty to have compassion for anyone - the fact that youre not their parent or therapist doesnt preclude it though. compassion is not the same as pity and it doesnt preclude holding a person accountable or responsible.

Some here including moderators are defining for you the purpose of you being here, e.g. "you are not here to xyz... ." sorry, but you can't tell us why we should be here. Maybe we just need to vent. 

venting is a necessary part of grieving, healing, and receiving support. its not a goal. nor is this a place strictly to vent. there are guidelines and a healing platform. without them, this would be a very different place. 

[joel6242]

Right out of the gate I come across your post, we seem to walking the same path. I too have legal issues that should be resolved at the end of the month due to my ex BPD. It has taken more than 4 months of no contact to get myself back into a better place, it has been extremely hard. I am getting a grip on my work, financial, and legal issues. He has contacted me in very round about way to find out where I live or better yet did I move. At this time I can not move because I own the house. I am trying to move and am doing renovations to sell in the next 3 to 6 months. What happened to you with the email exchange would be identical to what i would get if I tired to contact him.

I have a life-time restraining order on him so he would go to jail for a year if he contacted me directly. That being said, he has contacted my in a round about way and now I know it is real. I do not have the strength to say get away from me, I thank God that the restraining order is in place.

I can not give advice but right now I do not know what to do but I know that I have to keep moving forward. One that has helped; is before reacting, I give it a day. Thank you very much for your post.

[WoundedBibi]

Actually, the phrase used by onceremoved was "jessed, this is the detaching board. We aren't here to have a nice chat with our exes and work things out."

Which is true. This is the detaching board.

We, as a group, are here because the relationship is over and we want to detach. With or without anger, venting, black/white thinking, guilt, love, hate, doubts, cries for help because we feel weak, etc.

If we wanted to love our ex SO with BPD out of BPD we, as members, would be in the 'saving a relationship that is in or near breakup' board, or the 'improving a relationship with a Borderline partner' board or the 'deciding or conflicted' board. And if any of us change our minds/hearts about our ex SO that is where we should be posting stuff.

But right now we are not. So stating things as "you can't love them out of this, so walk away" are a bit beside the point. We have walked away. That is why we are on this board and not on one of the above mentioned.

Most of realize we cannot love our ex SO out of BPD most of the time. But sometimes someone has a weak moment: "was it me? Could I have changed the outcome, or the person?" And it is good to then support that person and remind them they could not have changed the person and most probably also not the outcome. But we can change us.

The aim of detaching is moving on.

You can just detach from this one person, but with anger that remains it is not real detachment, and no lessons will be learned. It might very likely lead to the next abusive relationship.

Or you can detach for real. Process the anger at some point, learn lessons about ourselves and have a chance of a healthier relationship. Or no relationship if someone wants to make that choice.

Nobody can say when it is time for anyone to stop being angry. Everybody has their own pace and path in life. But "just walk away" and "we shouldn't be here" goes against the purpose of the board. If we could simply let go of the ex SO with BPD we wouldn't need this board, but we cannot simply let go. We have already walked away and now want to detach (which is not the same as walking away) and learn.

This is the "I have walked away but What the heck just happened and how do I move on from this person to a healthier me, please help me" board.

[jessedsickabouther]

Hope always. .

Thank you for translating for me. I assure you my comparisons were valid.

This is emotional rape. IMO. intentional or not.

I'm going to withhold any further comment.  I've had "inside information " that I'd rather not have had. This stuff is sick and sinister. Compare it to what u want.

[Mutt]

Hi jessedsickabouther,

After 3 months yesterday and resolving all legal issues for the past 2 weeks where I had to break nc

I'm sorry to hear that. I didn't read all of the comments. I can see how that would be hard to see your ex after having not seen her for 3 months and you have to deal with legal problems. Three months is not a long time. I would feel really triggered if I saw my ex. How are you today after yesterday?

[troisette]

"I get you! But what I have learned after 8+ months of NC is that I can keep obsessing (and fantasizing) about my ex, or I can stop denying how unhappy and alone I have always felt in my life and work to change that.  It's easier to come to this conclusion after close to a year of NC, but after the daily pain I have faced I think my soul is pointing me towards this direction and it is the right one.  Blaming our exes is totally okay and I still do it (but a lot less), but I realize they did not author the dark lonely feelings I feel now, it was a result of my core trauma from childhood, which is also the reason I chose to be with my BPDx as well as the reason I stayed for so long."

Thank you hopealways, so well put.

I've read posts that say we should be concentrating on ourselves, not on our exs. I think part of the journey is exploring them as well as ourselves, to make some sense of the utter confusion we felt during and after. I needed to understand what BPD is in order to understand my experiences and why I was vulnerable. This doesn't mean that I ignored my own part in the misery. I've found the need to vent diminishes with time and distance but it helped.

[Nuitari]

jessedsickabouther,

I can completely understand your anger. Its something I struggle with every day. I couldn't see it while it was happening to me, but when I look back, all I see is a pattern of use and abuse. I wasn't a person to her. I was just a "thing" for her to use. Here is one example. My exBPDgf was married but separated from her husband. She and the husband decided to reconcile and get back together. Well, it turned out the husband, for medical reasons, couldn't have sex for 3 months. You know what she does? She suggests that she and I continue to have sex until she can get it from him! And its like it never even entered her mind how this might make me feel. Everything was about her needs. She would continue to call me after I repeatedly told her that I need to move on. My feelings just didn't matter. Something that helped me to some degree was going on road trips. I had planned a trip to see mammoth caverns in KY on the weekend of their anniversary, because I knew it was going to be hard for me and I needed a distraction. She tries to talk me out of going at the last minute because she might need my help with graduate school applications!  I could go on and on about her selfishness.  Before meeting her, I never would have thought it possible for one human being to be so emotionally abusive to another.

But then I have to wonder what was wrong with me that I took this abuse from her for so long.  I should have recognized from the very beginning that something was off with her.  Even after the relationship ended, I let her pull me back into her life over and over, and I would die inside a little each time.  I am very ashamed to say it, but in a moment of weakness, I accepted her offer of sex, knowing full well I was being used because she didn't have access to her husband.  It was just so hard for me to resist her. She was like a drug. When I take a step back and objectively look at the situation, I have to admit to having issues too.  Why else would I choose to be in that kind of messed up situation? She isn't the only crazy one.  I am too, and that scares me.