MC today at 5..should be interesting

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

 

Yeah, I've noticed a couple of times she is very big on "what the counselor says we have to do" when it is something for me, and when it is against her, she "wants grace".

FF

[formflier]

 

Yeah, I've noticed a couple of times she is very big on "what the counselor says we have to do" when it is something for me, and when it is against her, she "wants grace".

FF

[KateCat]

Is there a danger the biblical counselor might be too rough on your wife, formflier? The man used some pretty strong language in his recent communication with you regarding the type of counseling to expect with him.

[formflier]

Is there a danger the biblical counselor might be too rough on your wife, formflier? The man used some pretty strong language in his recent communication with you regarding the type of counseling to expect with him.

Perhaps. 

I put this under the heading of her choices and not rescuing her from her choices.

He is moving fast, we are really "at" the meat here.  That is good. 

He has also used strong language in person.  Reasons are, we have done this before, many times.  Either we are serious and will take hold of it, or there is another agenda.  He didn't use word agenda, but something close, don't remember.  He look at both of us and said it will be come obvious, very quickly.

He also said that since we had been through the training and since we have had previous Biblical Counseling, that he is pushing ahead quickly on that front.  (Some people show up as non-Christians and spend a lot of time figuring that out)

FF

[empath]

Yeah... .I've noticed a couple of times she is very big on "what the counselor says we have to do" when it is something for me, and when it is against her... .she "wants grace".

I ran into this kind of thinking recently, too. My h was all 'up in arms' about something that I was doing and calling it sin. He had done the same thing for at least a couple of years (out of anger and unforgiveness). So, I said that I was confused because in his mind, when I do x it is sin, but when he does x it is just fine. He asked if he should just roll over, and I said I was just asking for consistency and integrity in his actions. It can't be sin and horrible for me to do it 'to him' and okay for him to do it 'to me'. He had to think about that more and said that I had a good point.

My actions are not out of anger or unforgiveness; they are an act of obedience to what I think God would have me do. (a way of having good boundaries supported by Scripture)

Not that it has made a difference in his thinking yet.

[formflier]

My actions are not out of anger or unforgiveness; they are an act of obedience to what I think God would have me do. (a way of having good boundaries supported by Scripture)

Now you have me curious, can you give any more details?  What actions?

FF

[empath]

Sure, I am choosing to 'not associate' with my h while he is verbally abusive; the way that plays out is that I am choosing to attend our former church when he is at our current church. He feels ashamed and reminded of his sin when I am gone. I'm also sleeping separately from him.

[formflier]

 Huh, so, he considers that a sin because, ?

Also, has he ever come to you and asked your forgiveness?  Gotten over himself, humbled himself and asked forgiveness for verbal abuse?

Sure, he will probably do it again, and I'm not saying it's ok to do it again, but hey, we are all sinners.  That is our condition.

FF

[empath]

It's a sin because he is not leading/managing his family well. He claims that there are other verses, but he hasn't been able to come up with those (because there aren't any). Humbling himself isn't happening either.

He has asked forgiveness in a general way, no specific interactions have been addressed. He continues to be verbally abusive with an incident as recently as this morning, one that indicates planning and forethought. So, there hasn't been repentance.

[formflier]

So, any use of the Matthew process to confront him?  Church discipline?

[empath]

He is one of our church leaders,  and our pastor and supervising clergy are aware of the issue. Our denomination is really reluctant to use church discipline - it's one of the 'distinctives'.

He has been told that he cannot progress further in leadership without addressing the issues; I can't either. This was something that was initiated by the leadership after reports of concern about physical safety. So, he's trying to prove himself to the leadership and is well trained in 'doing the right things'.

[Cole]

After reading your posts for awhile and getting a better understanding of what you have been through, this is what really stands out to me:

Your wife has a very powerful NEED to put you in a bad light--to your children, to her parents, her sister, your employers, therapists, your pastor.  I think this is what drives all her disordered behavior, every bit of it.

Yep... .Verbena... .I think you have it.

FF

FF,

This is a description of Mrs. Cole's view of me last year. Only after she moved out last fall did she realize that she loved and needed me. Her entire view of me and her behavior has changed radically since I allowed her to come back.

She has realized that she has a big empty hole in her sole; It is an absence of self with which so many pwBPD suffer. She expected marriage to me to fix that. When it didn't, she felt abandoned and turned against me. She has learned through T and MC that no one, including me, can fill that empty feeling for her.     

This may or may not be the issue Mrs. FF is dealing with, but thought I would put it out there as a possibility.