I feel quilty when I get angry

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

 

Lately, I've been getting angry and thinking bad things about my ex.  Then a little voice in the back of my head says "but he is sick, it's not his fault".  Then I feel guilty that I am calling him names in my head and getting angry about what he's done.  I usually do take the approach of acceptance and forgiveness.  I do feel compassion for him and still do have love for him.  This is hard also because when I'm feeling compassion or sadness for his condition it seems like those are the times where I want to reach out or contemplate working things out with him.  I have always had a hard time drawing the line between unconditional love and my own boundaries. 

Anyway, I know that anger is a natural part of the healing process.  I also know that it is okay to be angry about the situation and the things he has done.  But when I get angry directly at him my conscience seems to step in and make me feel bad.  It makes me want to cry because it feels good just to be angry and think about what a nasty person he is and it also helps me stay away and detach.  But then my mind just turns around and makes me feel bad for doing it.

Any thoughts?

[peace74]

 

Lately, I've been getting angry and thinking bad things about my ex.  Then a little voice in the back of my head says "but he is sick, it's not his fault".  Then I feel guilty that I am calling him names in my head and getting angry about what he's done.  I usually do take the approach of acceptance and forgiveness.  I do feel compassion for him and still do have love for him.  This is hard also because when I'm feeling compassion or sadness for his condition it seems like those are the times where I want to reach out or contemplate working things out with him.  I have always had a hard time drawing the line between unconditional love and my own boundaries. 

Anyway, I know that anger is a natural part of the healing process.  I also know that it is okay to be angry about the situation and the things he has done.  But when I get angry directly at him my conscience seems to step in and make me feel bad.  It makes me want to cry because it feels good just to be angry and think about what a nasty person he is and it also helps me stay away and detach.  But then my mind just turns around and makes me feel bad for doing it.

Any thoughts?

[C.Stein]

It is OK to feel angry, this is part of the healing process.  I have been experiencing much anger for three months now.  Angry at her for what she did or didn't do, angry at myself for a variety of reasons.  I don't think you need to feel bad about being angry because you are just feeling angry, not acting on it.  In time the anger will go away but in the meantime allow yourself to feel and process the anger so you can finally let it go.   

[WoundedBibi]

Lately, I've been getting angry and thinking bad things about my ex.  Then a little voice in the back of my head says "but he is sick, it's not his fault".  Then I feel guilty that I am calling him names in my head and getting angry about what he's done.  I usually do take the approach of acceptance and forgiveness.  I do feel compassion for him and still do have love for him.  This is hard also because when I'm feeling compassion or sadness for his condition it seems like those are the times where I want to reach out or contemplate working things out with him.  I have always had a hard time drawing the line between unconditional love and my own boundaries. 

Anyway, I know that anger is a natural part of the healing process.  I also know that it is okay to be angry about the situation and the things he has done.  But when I get angry directly at him my conscience seems to step in and make me feel bad.  It makes me want to cry because it feels good just to be angry and think about what a nasty person he is and it also helps me stay away and detach.  But then my mind just turns around and makes me feel bad for doing it.

Any thoughts?

Being sick is not his fault. But he has hurt you deeply. And you know you have every right to be angry about how you have been treated and about letting yourself be treated badly. Can you make a difference at being angry at the behaviour instead of at him?

I am angry for what my ex did but I still can feel compassion for him for having to live in hell. Doesn't mean I want him back; I don't want to live in his hell. And I know he's not going to be better.

In my view the only unconditional love that exists is from a parent for a child. A parent (even more so for moms I think, as dads do more often walk away and never look back) will always love their child. Whether they steal, abuse, kill, their love remains and they stick with their child. Visit them in prison, hide them from the law, justify their behaviour, whatever.

Love between partners is never unconditional. There is always a line that when it's crossed makes the love go away. The line (the conditions) are just different for everybody. For some it's being raged at, for others it's being hit, for the next it's being cheated on. "Everybody has their price" or in this case, boundary.

[peace74]

Thanks guys.  I appreciate the support.

I still have issues of my own to work out.  Our relationship was more like a parent/child one.  That is not what it was in the beginning and that is definitely not the way I wanted it to be but that is what it ultimately was.  In a weird way even though he is my husband I feel attached to him like I would one of my children.  I have detached enough that I no longer try to save him or guide him to avoid negative consequences (except if it relates directly to our child).  That's a huge weight gone in itself.  I did love him unconditionally or at least tried to.  I guess I just need to accept my anger and direct it more to his actions instead of at him as a person.  Because when I lump him and his actions together and get angry at him it just makes me feel worse.

[WoundedBibi]

I did love him unconditionally or at least tried to.

Isn't that part of the issue? Unconditional love would mean you love no matter what he says or does. So you will love him even if he calls you names, shouts at you, beats you, cheats on you, gives you an STD, or even kills your child.

[once removed]

hi peace74 

i understand the feelings of guilt accompanying feelings of anger. are there other times in your life that you have felt similarly?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey peace74, I think you are doing a healthy thing by acknowledging that you feel angry.  Suggest you look at your anger and observe, without the need to do anything or attach guilt to it.  As has been said many times here, feelings just ARE.  They are neither good nor bad, just part of the authentic you.  My suggestion: embrace your feelings; they are part of you.  The next step is to process your feelings, which I'm happy to expand on -- if you are interested.

Let go of the guilt!

LuckyJim