Why must they try to destroy an EX?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Breakups are never easy, and in a normal relationship fall outs do occur. Why must BPDex's seek to destroy an ex after a breakup?

There are stories of slandering, smear campaigns, false accusations, violence, harassment, and people having lost everything. What sick pleasure do they derive? 

[Rayban]

Breakups are never easy, and in a normal relationship fall outs do occur. Why must BPDex's seek to destroy an ex after a breakup?

There are stories of slandering, smear campaigns, false accusations, violence, harassment, and people having lost everything. What sick pleasure do they derive? 

[once removed]

hi rayban 

its less about deriving pleasure, more about emotional survival, twisted thinking, maintaining an attachment in some form and/or inability to detach.

hope this helps

[joeramabeme]

My opinion/thought on your question is, they are not trying to smear us nons for "pleasure" as much as they are protecting the vulnerabilities in themselves.

pwBPD do not have a solid sense of self.  Breakups and other emotionally triggering events can feel like a hole inside of them that needs to be addressed or explained; it causes free-floating anxiety, no way to associate the feelings to something internally.  One of the traits used to protect their sense of self is Projection; looking outside themselves as the cause of the emotions they feel.  What it appears like to us nons, is that the pwBPD traits seeks pleasure in destroying our character but to them, it is more likely a perceived need for self-defense to feel whole and most importantly safe.

That may not seem like a good explanation in light of the circumstances we each face.  But it does match with the literature about pwBPD by explaining why they do not seem to recognize their actions as being hurtful.

Just another word about the question "why".  The answer to that question, when asking about a pwBPD traits, is often not intuitive or what you would expect.  As my favorite saying here goes; "Expect the unexpected".

Are you dealing with an ex that is smearing and campaigning against you?  

[troisette]

I agree with joramabeme. It's not so much about us, our individuality and our relationships with them, more about their instinctual self-defence mechanism. A form of self-protection that maybe helps them avoid self-contemplation. Taking responsibility for their part in the break-up would be too painful and open up wounds. Easier to direct it outwards.

So if it's happening to you, try not to take it personally. 

[Mutt]

Hi Rayban,

For some pwBPD it's scorched earth when they get rejected. It can feel like an emotional barrage. It will eventually pass, maintain complete radio silence and it will end quicker. Hang in there.

[Rayban]

My opinion/thought on your question is, they are not trying to smear us nons for "pleasure" as much as they are protecting the vulnerabilities in themselves.

pwBPD do not have a solid sense of self.  Breakups and other emotionally triggering events can feel like a hole inside of them that needs to be addressed or explained; it causes free-floating anxiety, no way to associate the feelings to something internally.  One of the traits used to protect their sense of self is Projection; looking outside themselves as the cause of the emotions they feel.  What it appears like to us nons, is that the pwBPD traits seeks pleasure in destroying our character but to them, it is more likely a perceived need for self-defense to feel whole and most importantly safe.

That may not seem like a good explanation in light of the circumstances we each face.  But it does match with the literature about pwBPD by explaining why they do not seem to recognize their actions as being hurtful.

Just another word about the question "why".  The answer to that question, when asking about a pwBPD traits, is often not intuitive or what you would expect.  As my favorite saying here goes; "Expect the unexpected".

Are you dealing with an ex that is smearing and campaigning against you?  

I work with her. Same office. People who I considered to be friends are treating me differently, some are not speaking to me. She knows how important this job is to me, and she's mentioned in the past how she has no problems going directly to management when issues arise. I'm expecting the worse. I believe she's playing the victim card, and I'm out to be a terrible man who treated her poorly. It's sickening because most of these people have known me for 5 + years, she's only been there less then a year.

I guess if you're not with them, then you become an enemy.

[troisette]

In part, your situation resonates with mine Rayban.

I live in a small, gossipy town and am involved in the arts scene - it can be spiteful and self-serving I don't know what type of BPD your ex has, mine is a waif, quiet and high functioning. Charming and when he chooses he can be charismatic. People here take him at face value although I know that some of his credentials are doubtful. The persona he projects is very different from that I experienced.

We split 10 months ago and our social group closed ranks and I am excluded. I have been nc for 6 months. The break up was excruciating, losing my local social life very hard. Nothing nasty was said or done, just a quiet closing of ranks. I have never mentioned or discussed our break up, best to retain dignity and rise above. I do not know if he is painting me black and I don't want to know, there would be no benefit to me to want to know because speaking in my defence would not help and would possibly be deleterious for me.

At first, the split and the exclusion melded into one huge pain. I have recently understood that it is two separate issues. I am recovering from him and now see the exclusion as a separate problem. I have stayed with my choice to never discuss the reasons for the break up, to discuss him and to present a friendly face to the world, while retaining my boundaries. No one knows (apart from a few close friends), that I was breaking-up inside. It was hard. But I don't regret taking this route.

I always believed everyone adored him. Yesterday I was told that someone mentioned that he "has a dark side". Dissing our ex might bring some immediate satisfaction but in the longer term maintaining your dignity is better for you and in the even longer term, the mask cannot be maintained for ever.

Hard I know, even harder for you because you see her daily. But in the long term you will retain your self-respect. 

[WoundedBibi]

I work with her. Same office. People who I considered to be friends are treating me differently, some are not speaking to me. She knows how important this job is to me, and she's mentioned in the past how she has no problems going directly to management when issues arise. I'm expecting the worse. I believe she's playing the victim card, and I'm out to be a terrible man who treated her poorly. It's sickening because most of these people have known me for 5 + years, she's only been there less then a year.

I guess if you're not with them, then you become an enemy.

Yeah, worked with my ex (he got dismissed a while back, while I am on sick leave).

Yeah, had a lot of people against me all of a sudden that I used to get along with. My real friends at work stuck with me because they are adult enough to see something was up with him, but they didn't really openly chose sides. They still spoke to him. Like I said, they behave as adults. But opposite me I had at least 60 less adult people acting as flying monkeys, minions etc. he had started a smear campaign based on lies but as he is magically charming and gorgeous to look at he of course must have been right that I am the wicked witch.

I had nothing to do with him getting dismissed as I never spoke to management about what happened or what he or his minions did to me. As per usual at some point his behaviour got out of control; issues with authority and can't keep his pen out of the company ink even when he was their manager and there was a hierarchy that you don't mix with personal stuff. He had been warned about that last bit already but kept at it after I disappeared from the scene. Undoubtedly he in his paranoia thinks I got him fired. A lawyer with a mix of BPD, NPD and OCD with a sauce of paranoia on top, a side helping of severe depression and substance abuse as appetizer and desert. Lethal combination.

Anyway, he is still in this country instead of buggering off to another country or his own, what he normally does when he f***s up a job. Too bad for me.

It's good I don't have to work with him anymore though. But when I can walk again I will have to face the 60 or so flying monkeys. I never liked monkeys, I prefer apes.

So, I know what you're going through and are up against.

My advice:

- don't paint her black. That way you cannot be accused of doing anything against her

- stick to the friends you have left at work. They have stuck with you for a reason. They are probably the only normal ones around

- spent as little time as possible at work. Don't hang out with any of her bunch after work but go do your own thing with unrelated people so you can relax at least part of the day

- try to see as little of her at work if at all possible

- save EVERYTHING you ever got from her. Texts, emails, letters, the lot. That way you can prove a relationship was there (in case she wants to deny it and accuse you of harassment) and what actually happened/was said by her. Just in case.

Hang in there     I know it's draining and you feel isolated, but try to keep as strong as possible.

[HurtinNW]

My ex and I are part of the same arts community. He has a lot of NPD traits and is socially super charming, and has a mask of being the world's sweetest, nicest guy. In private? Not at all. One of the difficult, crazy-making things for me has been having him rage at me, be extremely abusive, break up with me... .and then go out and play the victim act.

For almost four years each time he abused me and left he convinced people that I had broken up with him and he was just waiting for the chance to make me happy. I would get calls from his superficial friends following a break up, one telling me how much he put me on a pedestal, how sad he was, and so forth. He posts weepy sad songs on facebook, changes his profile pic to pure black, and elicits people to come support him after being so cruelly treated by yours truly.

It is totally maddening. It is also very manipulative. It is his way of not only enlisting people to take his "side," it is way of painting me black to others.

But please keep in mind that no one can play the victim forever. Sooner or later people get tired of it, or see through it. I'm see that happening now. He's back to do his poor me routine. But people aren't responding anymore. He's making a fool out of himself. Frankly he has for some time and I was blind to it.

If you are like me it is hard to have this happen. For me it brings up family issues. My mother did the same thing, triangulating people against each other, and that is why this hits a nerve with me.

Try to step back. Don't engage with it. Think about it. Most people don't respect someone who trashes their ex. Most people will see through it eventually, and those that don't, you don't want as friends anyhow. Keep your chin up and act with dignity.